I Don't Want to Hurt T's Feelings

Sky ..... I'm going back to what I thought from your first post and something else you said (so sorry because I know it's gone a few places since then) ....

what I wonder is ....

what does a perfect delightful client look like to you?

and ......

are you there in therapy to make a friend or .... to get help?

You're making me laugh out loud now. Dang, you guys are great - honesty on PC is a welcome ingredient.

Okay - a delightful client cooperates with their T; she enthusiastically attempts any exercise or work that the T suggests; she listens attentively and tries to incorporate T's lessons into daily life; she brings her problems honestly and authentically to T so that they can work together to try to solve them; she also brings some lighthearted topics to session so T knows that she's more than the basket case she sees in her office; she's on time; she pays on time; she shares her triumphs along with her failures; she takes a leap of faith and goes where she's never gone before in self inquiry; she brings her whole self into therapy, not just the pretty stuff; she's willing to feel painful emotions and confront unpleasant feelings so as to be able to address them more fully; she doesn't lie (at least not consciously).

I think I have done all of the above but I guess I'm getting cold feet now that I've been TOO authentic and honest and maybe pushing boundaries too far. I guess it's beginning to feel way too painful. Before July 20th, I could go and share my problems with T and she was there to help guide me but now that we've entered transference territory, it is getting much much more difficult.

I know enough now about therapy that this is the 'gold mine' of the therapeutic process - the 'here and now'. Gosh dang though - I'm scurrying back to my burrow after being so honest with her. My T has such a soothing and comforting presence that it's almost impossible to not be candid and truthful. It's like having taken a truth serum or something and it scares the h*ll out of me.

"Make a friend ... or get help?" Of course, get help but how to do that best is the question. Brutal ugly honesty or can the honesty be couched in more pleasant garb? As I'm writing here it just came to be that there is a fear also of losing control. I think many people in therapy have a similar fear based on what I read on PC. And losing control adds to the humiliation that is already present. My T and I have talked a lot about humiliation and my sense of being 'Deeply. Flawed'. So, it's not new territory for us to explore.

The thing is though, how out-of-control might I get if I let down my guard? And what if that happened 5 minutes until the end of session? And then out on the street to fend for myself. It happened once to me and I had to sit in my car for 30 minutes before I felt safe enough to leave. T's should have a decompression chamber next to their offices for situations like that.

So, bottom line - I DON'T KNOW- total and absolute confusion.

Hate to be disagreeable, Skysblue, but what are you going to GET OUT of therapy if you're always patrolling or monitoring your response to your therapist? Therapy is about being real and who you are. Sure, I get that this isn't always comfortable or desirable, but if that was the case, we'd all be in loving, ,mature, caring and carefree relationships. I don't know about you but reading here about people engaging in therapy (myself included) makes me realized that pretty much most of us have a real hard time having those loving, , mature, caring and carefree relationships.

Look, I'm not saying that we have to be uncooperative, tyrantical or obstructional when it comes to therapeutic relationships, but it can't mean that we can always be the "delightful" or cooperative client who does what we believe our therapist wants or expects. How is that healing or corrective? If I believe that the only way I can have a relationship with another human being means that I have to bury or deny my beliefs and/or needs in the interaction/relationship, how is that helpful to me in learning to be an equal partner in an intimate, vulnerable relationship? I'm not saying that we need to run roughshod, over anyone, but we do need to let down our guard and let our therapist's see a bit of the "ugliness" inside of us. Otherwise, we don't heal or change . . . .we just continue the charade. My take on the issue anyway.

Umm... the person you describe, in my opinion, would probably not need therapy!

You are absolutely right. I had thought that I would retreat as much as possible from the hard issues for my next session Wednesday but you and all the other PC 'therapists' have told me that that is not the purpose of therapy (honestly, I did know that - funny how we forget axioms of truth when we need them the most) so maybe I'll plunge back into the cold frigid waters of brutal honesty with T. Yikes

Skysblue,

So you don't really remember your childhood, wow, not very eventfull huh? Do you even remember having any closeness with either parent?

Everyone has some fear of abandonment or even rejection. Ofcourse you didn't really say what you T said that upset you and made you mad here.

Also it is not unusual to not really make a connection with a therapist. If you feel like your not making progress than maybe you might want to find a different therapist. After all they are just people you know. We cannot pick our parents and we cannot change our past but we can change our therapists.

It is almost like finding a good hair dresser or even a teacher. There are crappy hair dressers and crappy teachers too. If you go to a hair dresser and she cuts your hair crappy all the time do you keep going back? And if you took up say, piano lessons and the teacher was crappy and had hurtful comments would you continue going?
It is the same with therapists, some are much better than others.

Open Eyes

Well actually, DID can't be used as an excuse for anything. It may be a diagnosis, but its not an excuse to try to get away with anything "just cuz I'm DID".... Just sayin'

What would happen if you were difficult sometimes? Isn't EVERYBODY in the world difficult sometimes?

I truly believe that it is probably a very very good thing that this is going on with my T. It's a big issue for me and where best to work with it than with my T. It's the 'here and now' which is great because my T doesn't need to just hear my side of a story that i might tell her - this is a story she's involved with and is seeing it from beginning to end. So, I'm lucky. It's tough, it's painful, it's confusing, it's scary but... I guess it's for the best.

I thought you might like reading these articles, by a therapist:

http://discussingdissociation.wordpr...client-part-1/

http://discussingdissociation.wordpr...lients-part-2/

Maybe a T's idea of a good client is different than what our ideas of a good client are

I don't WANT to be difficult. I want to be a good girl.

I know you want to be good, and be seen to be good so things stay safe and T will stay there and there won't be any risk of her going ....

but I think that part of you that feels deeply flawed, that feels so very very hurt ... is also longing to be accepted and know it's ok for her to be revealed also

and if you keep aiming for what you think is the perfect client; she doesn't get to be exposed in the ways that are needed for her to know what it is to share, to be accepted and for someone to stick around

and the healing you want .... is covered up by these layers of protection (which we all have)

I know it's confusing

I agree with what everyone said, including you skyblue, that it's good to be as honest as you can and not to try to be careful about how you express yourself. Being careful sounds like holding back and restraining yourself from being authentic.

I also agree with you that being considerate of other people's feelings is a good thing to do. I don't think you have to suddenly stop doing it in therapy. If you think you were too sarcastic, it's okay, and nice of you, to tell your t that. I 'spose it's safer in therapy to be accidentally inconsiderate (or even intentionally inconsiderate) while we're learning, but when we realize we could do better, it's good to do that too.
I think you sound very sensitive and considerate, skyisblue, to have thought of your therapist's feelings and my guess is she would like it even though she wouldn't think it was necessary to apologize. I also think it's pretty normal, even if not perfectly ideal, to act out (though it doesn't sound like you acted out very much at all) when you're hurt that much.

http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/10-qualities-a-therapist-recognizes-in-a-good-client-part-1/

Will you treat your friends and family members with kindness and respect even if they have done things you do not like? He!! No! You are treated as you deserve. Period. What the heck does this matter to a therapist?

Maybe you've got to get through the difficult to get to the good?

That is very thought provoking. It reminds of the analogy of therapy being like remodeling your home. When you begin the remodel everything is chaotic and dirty and dusty and disorganized and a total mess. But it's necessary to have that upheaval in order to get to the final part of the reconstruction. Hmmmmm

I have read that one reason therapy can start out being distressing is that it starts to bring up those feelings and memories that have been denied and suppressed all these years. No wonder it can be distressing! It takes work on both parts and skill on the part of the therapist to manage that distress so that it is not overwhelming.

Our words are more about us than the other person; just because you say to your T, "You're an ignorant, arrogant, so-and-so" does not make her an ignorant, arrogant, so-and-so! Your T has her own feelings of self worth, her own better knowledge of who she in fact is so your words merely help her see how you view the world rather than tell her anything about herself and hurt her feelings. What you say is not about "her" at all so cannot really hurt her feelings unless she is uncertain of herself and who she is (in which case she probably should not have chosen to work as a therapist).

In therapy, our perceptions of our T are often projections of how we perceived others in our life who seemed to act that way. That's one good reason we don't learn much about our therapist and their lives; to help with getting those projections out in the open where they can be examined by the two of us, together, and misunderstandings cleared up.

When we're growing up we don't really understand the adult world very well and our perceptions of what is going on can reflect that. Unfortunately, when we're 15-20 we haven't have much experience in life either, other than with those close to us and we don't "know" that there's "more" out there.

I vividly remember a hard lesson I had when I was in my mid-20's. My stepmother had been a hard task-mistress all my growing up, was controlling and big on making sure we children did a goodly amount of chores and did them according to how she felt they should be done (can you spell p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n-i-s-t :-) "Naturally", being a "child"/teen I did not want to do chores, did not understand about pulling my own weight and being trained to be an adult and be able to do for myself "some day" so resented the time I was ordered about. True, her "style" wasn't very kind but my training was pretty good, now that I'm of an age to appreciate it :-)

So, we're visiting a friend of hers, down on the water and having a family day and she and our friend, whom I knew as "Aunt" Martha, were sitting, relaxing with a drink, and my stepmother started issuing clean up chores for me. I'm sweeping and clearing off the table and taking out trash and stacking dishes, etc. and finally I got one "command" too many and rather hatefully spit out, "I hope you're enjoying your bourbon and water!"

My stepmother was never at a loss for words, especially angry or hurt ones. In no uncertain terms she opened my young eyes to all the work she had done to get the party going, versus what little I had done to help with the clean up. Oops. You know how you thought your mother had eyes in the back of her head when you were a child because she could tell when you were misbehaving when you thought you'd hidden it so well? Same thing. I wasn't experienced enough to put the whole picture together and see the entire period of time; how the set-up, cooking, cleaning, planning, etc. were done with me out front riding a bike and playing with the dogs, going for a walk to look for "periwinkles" by the water's edge, etc. while other people were working to allow me that time. It was now my time to contribute to the group good time and I was being a brat about it. Yes, I had a legit complaint about how my stepmother was ordering me around but. . . it was an ugly comment on my part and only showed me how much I had "missed" about what was really going on around me. I don't make that mistake very often anymore.

Calling other people names, trying to make things about them, almost has to happen until we begin to see and make it all about us. Our lives are about us. How we respond to what comes in, how we deal with what's inside and make sure what we let "out" is what will be most helpful to us in our dealings with others.

I wouldn't censor what you say to your T, I would try to grab and discuss it, immediately upon saying it if you have a reaction to it. Your T is probably really glad you said what you said because it shows an emotion of some sort. Something "triggered" words that aren't "I don't know" or silence or bland discussion of "isn't it hot?"

Reading what you've shared has shed some light on my motives. I think another reason why I worry about hurting her feelings is that I don't want to be seen as a 'mean' person who would do such a thing. So, you're right - it's more to do with me than with her. I still feel compelled to apologize though.

And yeah, by censoring we're holding back our true selves. But I see that that is the 'gotcha' in the relationship. The naked truth is that I don't want my true self to be seen because it's too horrible and it's too difficult to face. So, by censoring I am, in practice, hiding some more from myself and trying to pretend I'm something that I'm not.

My T does address this and we discuss that all humans have 'good' and 'bad' in them and we have a wide spectrum of 'identities'. We talked about how i set the bar very high and that's why I can't ever get past my 'badness'. She says I have unrealistic expectations about myself. No one could achieve the kind of perfection I strive for - not in work or actions but in personal integrity.

T says that everything must be revealed - that all the closed up 'rooms' of the castle must be explored. Dang, just writing this makes my stomach knot up. Wow, thanks Perna

Let me make the opposite case too though. Our lives aren't about us. Emotional interactions take place in the world, a world in which as therapy goers we are trying our best to adjust to- right? This is Freud's idea. I would also contend that how people react to us gives us information about who they are, not just who we are. Yes, we always have a choice about how we want to play it-- cooperate, stick to our guns, fight, flee, or try to relate. But I think it's too simplistic to argue every therapy interaction is taking place within 1 person's head.

Hi Skysblue!

We havn´t met, but I happened to read your thread and thought maybe this can be of interest. In fact, I doubt that you still want to be a "good" client after reading this. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...therapy-client

Oh yes Well, how I'd like it to go is like this: I share with T my issues; we discuss them with clear and focused attention; we make charts and outlines that represent historical events; current scenarios; emotional triggers; etc. etc.

Then we cross-reference all the data we have collected. We take the information to a table and we work together to piece the parts into a coherent whole.

We will discuss how my particular pieces fit into a schema that is easily understood and addressed.

We then will match the data with known effective approaches for change. After matching them, I will employ those strategies.

Each week I will report to T how those strategies were helpful or not. We will then adjust the strategies to my personal situation.

We will continue this until we've found the perfect formula and after applying that formula, I will then take leave of therapy.

My T and I will congratulate each other on our wonderful analytical approach and how well we did in our detective work and how much genius we applied to our mutual effort in decoding anything that was at first not easily understood.

While doing this we will refer to the volumes of writings that support our conclusions and our decisions on what protocols to apply. The masters of psychological investigation will have been our guides in this enterprise.

And we all go home happy and content. Everything under control.

You never watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, did you? I hope Lt Cmdr Data doesn't read your reply, with or without his emotion chip in, I can't decide!

LOL. Yep, I´m with you! Wouldn´t that be just perfect - going through the whole process in a perfectly balanced and calm mood.

Oh dang, I need an emotion chip???

Last night I was talking to my T and my feelings were all over the place. I randomly blurted out "I think you're stupid". "Why do you think I'm stupid?" she asked. "Because I'm stupid", I heard myself say. Oh...

I do understand the drive to be perfect so that others will love us, Skysblue. Always when I ask my T something I preface it with "If I'm good can we...?" Yes, she says, we can, but it doesn't depend on whether you're good. Or I'll ask "If I was gooder would you let me be your child". The reality is you are not my child, she says, and it's not because you're not good. T has never told me to be good, so where does it come from, this phrase which slips out without even thinking, this worldview where everything is conditional on me being good?

When my partner was leaving me last year, my mother's response was to tell me: "All you have to do is be perfect, then she'll want you back". She was perfectly serious and thought this was an entirely reasonable response. I wasn't able to be perfect- have never been able to be- and my partner did not want me back. I don't think my parents wanted me much either, though they did their best with me. And I tried so very hard all my life to be good enough. No, to be perfect.

I think this is why I was so seduced as a teenager by the concept of grace that I converted to catholicism. Grace- a gift freely given, not won by hard work. I work da*n hard in therapy. I pay T for my sessions. But I experience her daily contact, her love, her tremendous care, as a gift freely given. I cannot earn it by being good. I cannot lose it by being bad. I've always thought that if I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter, I will call her Grace. And she will know that it's not about being perfect, or even good. It's a given.

Hope this random rambling is a tiny bit helpful