Does your therapist tell you what you want to hear?

I feel like I'm a traitor and a horrible person for even thinking this way (because I swear I do like and respect my T), but:
Do you ever feel like your therapist is just placating/pacifying you?

This thought occured to me as I was posting elsewhere, in response to an email I got from my T. I just felt like my email to her was needy, like a baby crying, and her response was like 'hushhhhh...it's okaaay...' (which, ironically, is kinda what I was after, so I don't know why I'm taking it like this: )

My initial reaction was that I found her words comforting, but then I re-read it and considered how carefully constructed it seemed. Like, the 'perfect' response.

I'm new to this therapy thing, and I felt it had been going well, but now she's on vacay - and this is coinciding with me hitting the first real low point since seeing her (prompted by my car accident the other day) and I guess I'm questioning everything... I realise I've been putting a lot of faith in my T being able to help me... but what if she can't? What if it's all carefully constructed responses and stock answers? Smoke and mirrors? New age woo? What if there are no real solutions to my problems?

Yeah, I guess I'm freaking out. A lot of mixed emotions right now. Is this the 'self-sabotage' aspect of my depression? Maybe it can be chalked up to 'abandonment' or 'attachment' or 'rejection' issues...

But anyway, regardless of my reasons for asking this question, I'm interested to hear your responses, no matter the circumstance.

Sounds like you are afraid of being disappointed. I think you are on to something when you write it might be abandonment or rejection issues. All of this is part of the therapy journey. When we have gone without what we need it is scary to trust that our needs can be met. It sounds like you have a good T though. Other people can meet our needs. The trick is finding these people and then allowing it to happen.

My T is never about just telling me what I want to hear. If he was, I honestly wouldn't have stayed with him. My T tells it like it is, whether I want to hear it or not. He doesn't baby me. He doesn't mince words. I like it that way. It wouldn't do me a bit of good to just be catered to. I need to be challenged, and my T is not afraid to do it.

Yes....thats why I stopped seeing my therapist.

In the beginning of therapy, when you're just setting up a relationship with T, it's very important that she get your implicit trust so you can talk with her about very private things you normally wouldn't think of discussing with another person, even your best friend. What you may be experiencing as "placating/pacifying" you may very well be part of her attempts to justify your trust in her. This is entirely normal and standard and really shouldn't make you doubt her sincerity or her willingness to work with you on your problems.

Ahhhh, the "vacation blues." When the cat's away the mice wonder about all kinds of things. This is actually a tradition that goes back to the beginning with Sigmund Freud. T's usually take the month of August off, everywhere in the world, and there's a whole, huge, bunch of really, really normal negative reactions on the part of patients left behind for the month of August. And those normal negative reactions can very well include all kinds of doubts about T's sincerity and her professional abilities or, as you say so well, whether it's all "smoke and mirrors [or] new age woo?"

Statistically, there very probably ARE real solutions to your problems. It's entirely doubtful that of all patients in the world you yourself have come up with some kind of a problem T can't help you on. I'd strongly advise to you present T, on her return, with all of the doubts and worries you describe in your post here. And I think she will very sincerely be able to lay those doubts and worries to rest, without giving you some cardboard cut-out answers she found in a book. Give her a chance.

Yes, the vacation blues do have very much to do with "abandonment," or "attachment" or "rejection" issues. Which only means you're a normal human being. Do tell them to T, in great detail! She needs to know! You need to know that she really does care how you feel and that you make progress in therapy! Give her a chance! Take care.

My T sometimes kind of gives me that "nurturing parent" when I need it. Sometimes she does tell me what I need to hear but she never tells me what I "want" to hear. I really trust and respect her and know she calls me on my stuff when I need it. Sometimes our Ts job is to just give us a little emotional support and soothing and sometimes it's to push us or challenge us. I would talk to her about it at your next session and see what she says.

Awe he!! no! Love me T dearly but she is blunt, direct, and honest. I don't think she has ever even tried to 'comfort' me in any emotional state... She will empathize (I know I am drawing a weird line here) or suggest ways for me to comfort myself... but warm fuzzy 'It will be OK's"... Nope!

I think that T's are very good at saying what is appropriate for the situation, whether that's placating or challenging. I also think that T's are, in general, very careful about what they say in email. I think a lot of it is just the T knowing their client and knowing what is needed at that point in time for that particular client.

My T replied to one of my emails today, and it was exactly what I needed to hear, but my email to her was very emotional, and I needed validation of those emotions. I replied back thanking her for her response and commented that she's frighteningly good at saying exactly what I needed to hear.

Thanks, Sannah, your insight has been really helpful. I think I am afraid of being disappointed. I'm glad this appears to be 'therapy journey' type stuff rather than me going rogue! I think I do have a good T, and that I probably need to stop questioning her so much - it's just been my nature to be cynical... it's hard to just... trust.

Thanks so much for your insightful and in-depth response, I find it very valuable. I think you may well be right about the 'vacation blues'... I was trying to handle it like a big girl, but I guess some stuff slipped though! It's just really unfortunate timing, I think...

I think I need to stop trying to pick things apart. I need to trust her - 'give her a chance' - instead of trying to find excuses and reasons why this won't work.

I don't know that I'll be able to bring this up in therapy, though, it would feel like I was insulting her... which, isn't my intention. I know this issue is mine. I don't want her to think I think she's insincere, because I actually don't :/ I don't have a problem with her, at all, I just sorta have a problem with my reaction to the situation, to her email... to everything. Ohh, why do I have to overanalyse things?

I think maybe you're not used to getting validation - look at your name, just some girl. More used to getting discounted, nagged at, put down, ignored, not LOVED AND HUGGED AND CUDDLED. Well, you're MORE than (((((JUST SOME GIRL))))) to your T, and to us. Sorry, haven't seen MY T in 5 days, I think I need a hug!

because youre afraid of being hurt, dear one....that's why....and its normal....been there myself....and yeah the issue may be yours, but thats what shes there for....share it with her...she will understand and not think that you think shes insincere....or that u r insulting her....she knows what this is all about...and she can help u work through those feelings....be gentle with yourself....

Aw.. thanks hankster! So nice. Made me well up a bit! You may well be right... I don't think I am used to validation...

It seems doubtful that a good therapist will tell you what you want to hear. I know my T does not. For example, I've asked her to help me learn to not be so selfish but she said she's not going to do that because she doesn't see me as being selfish. What I want to hear is her coaching on how to be a better person but she won't buy into my perception that I need to work in that direction. So, I'd say not to worry unless or until it becomes obvious that your T is doing that and then question her about it.

Same. I need someone like me to talk straight. I wouldn't appreciate being babied.

My therapist usually says things I need to hear and occasionally, that coincides with what I want to hear. I love those moments.

No, in fact, she told me that she would not "I won't always say what you want to hear."
And she doesn't. And I try not to also..

haha. that made me lol. I guess that means you challenge your t a bit?

I haven't felt my t placates me because he's more confrontational than other t's I've been to. But I was identifying with this part of what you wrote "I guess I'm questioning everything... I realise I've been putting a lot of faith in my T being able to help me... but what if she can't? " I'm going through that now too. I'm afraid I wanted too much from therapy. I was pretty upset about that over the weekend, but now I'm getting over it. Even if it's not able to help as much or as quickly as I wanted, I guess there's something to it. Anyway, if I quit now I'd still wonder it it could have helped.

I'm also going to therapy about depression. Your interpretation, "Is this the 'self-sabotage' aspect of my depression? Maybe it can be chalked up to 'abandonment' or 'attachment' or 'rejection' issues.." made me think about that for myself too. So thanks for posting it!

These two questions seem really different to me. I do not like to be placated or pacified so if the therapist did that, it would not be what I wanted to hear! They're kind of the opposite for me.

My T is a really good T and we are very attuned so the things he says to me are helpful and often seem to be just the right thing. But he doesn't say them to me because it is what I want to hear, but because it is the right thing to say.

There have been just a couple of times when I felt T was saying something to placate me. I didn't like it! When he did this, I felt like he was trying to cover his butt--he had made some sort of misstep and responded by trying to placate. When he has done this, I see right through it, and wave off his words. I can be pretty dismissive! This happens rarely, though.

Just_some_girl, you mentioned that the placating words came in an email from your T. I would encourage you not to go too much by what is in an email. It's hard to know what someone really means when we can't see their face, hear their tone of voice, etc. Do you also feel your therapist is placating you in person? If so I would urge you to share this thought with her. Would make for a good discussion and increase understanding between the two of you.

It was in the email. What you say about it being hard to know what someone really means [in an email], that's why I found it difficult and deconstructed it :/ I don't usually communicate with my T this way. Someone else may not read it as placating at all! I feel, at least in part, that this was just my interpretation after deconstructing it... May have been, at least in part, my response to what I myself wrote to her...
I don't think she placates me in person, more that she's understanding and sympathetic... which is probably how I should have interpreted the email.
It just got me thinking

My T occasionally tells me what I want to hear, but only if it's something she agrees on. Mostly it's what I need to hear to learn and overcome some of the things I am working on. If she always told me what I want to hear, I would get nowehere.

I on occassion think that, but I dont think she does.
And mostly I KNOW she does that!! About a year ago.. she used the "I" word... (um... you know, the one having to do with s*x abuse in a family).... I cannot even stand to THINK that word .... and one of our teenage alters said DO NOT USE THAT WORD WITH US!! And T yelled "I WILL use that word because you KNOW that is EXACTLY what happened!"
yah, we would have really preferred she NOT be so truthful with us at times.

i would really hope that my T would tell me what i need to hear not what i want to hear.i dont think my T would ever just tell me what i want to hear.she is way to upfront for that.i also dont think it would help me any

Well, no... I have noticed that I sometimes tell HER what I think SHE wants to hear and I think I do that to put me in good light, in her eyes... to be the 'good' patient, to be likable, to be______ (fill in the blank, could be so many things)

Oh I see- I guess you meant the emphasis on the TRY not to.

It never even occurred to me NOT to try to be a good, likable client. That doesn't stop me from disagreeing sometimes, and asking if I should be doing therapy or if therapy makes things worse.