[SoupDragon]

T and I are just starting to explore my SI. It has taken me a long time to get to this point with T.

T knows one of the reasons I use it is to stop the Sui thoughts. The thing is that on two occasions I have gone a bit further than just having thoughts - a practice run I guess. I am absolutely fine right now, but I am ashamed of those times - I was seeing T at the time and never said how bad I was feeling and I am worried that T will be angry with me and lose trust in me.

I want to tell T, but I am scared to. I even wonder as they were in the past whether T will even want to hear about them, maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and they are not important to share.

Just wondered whether anyone else has experience of spilling the beans and being open about these things?

[nicoleb2]

I have to go to T today and talk to her about the fact that I si'd on sunday to avoid sui. I was in a very bad spot on Sunday. I am really nervous about today.

You are not alone.

I hope things go well for you!

[mcl6136]

It is so brave to be able to say this. I am so ashamed of the fact that I needed my cold distant Ts responses, validation, and now I see that I would have done anything to get them. And I am so far away from being able to spill the beans, because I think I would have been judged for it. My heart aches for the chance to do that with a professional who could help. Congratulate yourself for considering taking the steps around self disclosure. For me, I have to have some false starts before change can stick, so keep in mind that you can run to the edge of change, look up, back off, approach again, look sideways, run sideways, and then fly. You guys are so brave and inspiring to me, particularly after my disaster yesterday. It's really affirming. Hugs, MCL

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I have to go to T today and talk to her about the fact that I si'd on sunday to avoid sui. I was in a very bad spot on Sunday. I am really nervous about today.

You are not alone.

I hope things go well for you!

Thanks for sharing this nicoleb - sorry to hear that Sunday was a bad day for you. Let us know how today goes with your T.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

It is so brave to be able to say this. I am so ashamed of the fact that I needed my cold distant Ts responses, validation, and now I see that I would have done anything to get them. And I am so far away from being able to spill the beans, because I think I would have been judged for it. My heart aches for the chance to do that with a professional who could help. Congratulate yourself for considering taking the steps around self disclosure. For me, I have to have some false starts before change can stick, so keep in mind that you can run to the edge of change, look up, back off, approach again, look sideways, run sideways, and then fly. You guys are so brave and inspiring to me, particularly after my disaster yesterday. It's really affirming. Hugs, MCL

Hi mc16136, part of me does think that T will be angry - I think that is part of the shame, but also because I didn't tell him at the time and it was probably significant to tell him then as I was struggling and it was important that he didn't push to much then. I am worried he will think he can't trust me in the future and will therefore refuse to work with me - that would devasate me, it is OK for me to want to leave him, but not for him to want to leave me. I can be braver on here - but my brain swears me to silence in that room with T.

Thanks for the bit about running to the edge of change that makes sense to me - the therory part of this T think is relatively easy isn't it? How do we transfer it to the doing bit. Take care mc16136 - Soup

[mcl6136]

Hey Soup. Part of the problem for me with T (I went back, which was totally self-destructive, btw), was that after not telling for so long, telling got harder and more things stacked up, and then, the relationship was impaired. That's where I went wrong in therapy and I can own that in a big way. I blew it. I should have been much more forthright about how badly I was faring, how much the actual therapy hurt, and I didn't, and then, it got so bad that...there was little left to salvage. If I've learned anything lately, it's SAY NO EARLY, and disclose more often once it feels safe. And if it doesn't feel safe, then that is its own answer. I'm not saying it's always T's fault (though in my case, I think he contributed) but it's still its own answer.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks for sharing this nicoleb - sorry to hear that Sunday was a bad day for you. Let us know how today goes with your T.

I saw T today. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

It was hard. I had to do a chain analysis (a dbt thing), which basically required me to write down the thoughts I was having, body sensations, emotions and actions I did leading up to cutting.

I was having a really hard time with it, because I really couldn't identify what emotion went with some of the thoughts I had.

T helped me realize that some of it was rage, which I never would have even considered given what my picture of rage was in my head.

It makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, that was basically a long way of saying I managed. It's hard, but I managed.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am absolutely fine right now, but I am ashamed of those times - I was seeing T at the time and never said how bad I was feeling and I am worried that T will be angry with me and lose trust in me.

Maybe one solution would be to resolve that from this day forward, you will tell your T if you are having suicidal thoughts or behaviors. What's past is past, and if your fear he will be angry because he wasn't fully in the loop before is a stumbling block toward disclosure of past events, just start today.

I have told my T a number of things from the past that he asked me why I didn't tell him earlier. Sometimes, my answer was because of trust or shame. My T did not react poorly or judgmentally. He acknowledged that it takes time to develop a relationship where one can tell another person the hard things.

Do you think if you had sui thoughts/actions again, that you would be able to tell your T about it now? If you don't have enough trust for that, I think that is something to share with T, so at least he knows you need more trust between the two of you. (He may not know there is anything wrong on the trust front.) And maybe he can help you develop greater trust in him...

i agree with what sunrise has said. let your t know about those thoughts and then "try" to trust in the future that t does have your best interests at heart.
i really understand holding back in t, not wanting to receive a certain reaction from t...
but if i look back, t has tried being gentle, calm and not angry. it is usually me that is looking for t be angry and rejecting

[learning1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Hi mc16136, part of me does think that T will be angry - I think that is part of the shame, but also because I didn't tell him at the time and it was probably significant to tell him then as I was struggling and it was important that he didn't push to much then. I am worried he will think he can't trust me in the future and will therefore refuse to work with me - that would devasate me, it is OK for me to want to leave him, but not for him to want to leave me. I can be braver on here - but my brain swears me to silence in that room with T.

Thanks for the bit about running to the edge of change that makes sense to me - the therory part of this T think is relatively easy isn't it? How do we transfer it to the doing bit. Take care mc16136 - Soup

I identify w the bold part. I'm admiring you for your honest, self aware op. I hope it goes well for you with your t

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I saw T today. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

It was hard. I had to do a chain analysis (a dbt thing), which basically required me to write down the thoughts I was having, body sensations, emotions and actions I did leading up to cutting.

I was having a really hard time with it, because I really couldn't identify what emotion went with some of the thoughts I had.

T helped me realize that some of it was rage, which I never would have even considered given what my picture of rage was in my head.

It makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, that was basically a long way of saying I managed. It's hard, but I managed.

Hey, well done for sharing this with T - maybe for lots of things in life the anticipation is often worse than the reality - see I am really good at the theory, but when I get in there it is so different.

The chain thing sounds useful, my T was getting me to do a similar thing, but slightly less structured - but in the moments before SI I am not very aware of what I am doing and it is so hard to remember and put myself back there. So I can relate to your diffficulty in putting thoughts emotions together.

Great that you have some new insights, I think you are really brave to have done this with T.

Thanks so much for sharing how it went, it is nice to hear how people get on and also inspiring.

[Wren_]

I think it's a really hard decision to make. This is such a delicate and important area and you are just starting to open up to T about it all; you fear sharing but maybe you also fear not sharing the past experiences as well? do you know what is prompting wanting to tell him about those?

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Hey Soup. Part of the problem for me with T (I went back, which was totally self-destructive, btw), was that after not telling for so long, telling got harder and more things stacked up, and then, the relationship was impaired. That's where I went wrong in therapy and I can own that in a big way. I blew it. I should have been much more forthright about how badly I was faring, how much the actual therapy hurt, and I didn't, and then, it got so bad that...there was little left to salvage. If I've learned anything lately, it's SAY NO EARLY, and disclose more often once it feels safe. And if it doesn't feel safe, then that is its own answer. I'm not saying it's always T's fault (though in my case, I think he contributed) but it's still its own answer.

I agree with the sharing. When I am honest and open with T my session is helpful. When I hide and play games, T knows and the session becomes harder. I am trying to incorporate the idea that Hiding Hurts and Sharing Helps.

[Wysteria]

Hey SoupDragon...

I've had to have that discussion and although really scary, I'm so glad that I did. It allows me now to be much more honest with him. I still hide my wounds and sometimes we talk about it and sometimes we don't. He usually just knows because of the honesty, my patterns, and how I wear my clothes or jewelry. It does help because you can also work on a plan to give you a list of options of who to call or what to do when you are stepping beyond stopping the pain... and stepping in to going somewhere else. It is a fine line, but I believe we know even in our darkest moments when we are going there and can stop and reach for our action plans..or some extra support and love.

We also were able to come up with some key phrases that let him know when I am reaching my limits of being able to control my behaviour, and as a good T he often just senses it as well. I think your T will honour the fact that your trust him now and have come to him openly and want to set a pattern of honesty and openess for the future. and a plan of action so that you don't have to hide from him or yourself.

I hope you will talk to you T and be more open about it so he can help you to heal and find other ways to self-soothe and other answers to dealing with the emotional overloads that hit us. I loved what Sun and some of the others have said... You've gotten some great advice on a very touchy and sensitive topic that doesn't alway get talked about. I think you are very brave and wonderful to have the insight to know that you must be honest with him in the future and need/want help to fight this.

Courageous and empathetic huggles for my very favourite dragon...

WB

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I think it's a really hard decision to make. This is such a delicate and important area and you are just starting to open up to T about it all; you fear sharing but maybe you also fear not sharing the past experiences as well? do you know what is prompting wanting to tell him about those?

Hi tigergirl - I had been feeling more settled with T, but this is feeling really hard right now - I think that is a good question about wanting to tell T these things. We have spent a long time just getting to a superficial talking stage and after 18 months, I want to start looking at the other stuff. There are 3 main things that are important to talk about and this (SI) seemed at the time to be the easiest of them. But then I remembered that I had on 2 occasions started to act on the thoughts, although scared myself and managed to snap out of it. I never told T, I didn't want to raise concerns about me, but looking back I think it would have been wise to. So we are exploring SI but everytime this guilty secret of mine takes over my head and I can't focus on anything else, which is blocking my ability to talk about the other stuff. So this is why I want to tell T, just so it is out there.

I just don't think I can and I am scared of writing it down and e-mailing it, for fear of where it could end up.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Wysteria

Hey SoupDragon...

I've had to have that discussion and although really scary, I'm so glad that I did. It allows me now to be much more honest with him. I still hide my wounds and sometimes we talk about it and sometimes we don't. He usually just knows because of the honesty, my patterns, and how I wear my clothes or jewelry. It does help because you can also work on a plan to give you a list of options of who to call or what to do when you are stepping beyond stopping the pain... and stepping in to going somewhere else. It is a fine line, but I believe we know even in our darkest moments when we are going there and can stop and reach for our action plans..or some extra support and love.

We also were able to come up with some key phrases that let him know when I am reaching my limits of being able to control my behaviour, and as a good T he often just senses it as well. I think your T will honour the fact that your trust him now and have come to him openly and want to set a pattern of honesty and openess for the future. and a plan of action so that you don't have to hide from him or yourself.

I hope you will talk to you T and be more open about it so he can help you to heal and find other ways to self-soothe and other answers to dealing with the emotional overloads that hit us. I loved what Sun and some of the others have said... You've gotten some great advice on a very touchy and sensitive topic that doesn't alway get talked about. I think you are very brave and wonderful to have the insight to know that you must be honest with him in the future and need/want help to fight this.

Courageous and empathetic huggles for my very favourite dragon...

WB

Thank-you WB - your T sounds wonderful - I am sure mine is too if only I could step over that wall I have there. I found your post very calming at a time when I am feeling anxious about it all. Yes there has been a very supportive response from PC (including your post) - I just can't understand why it is so difficult to say it out loud to T. Yes it is that bit of reaching my limit in trying to control my behaviour, that sums it up very well for me and that may be a good starting point for me to raise it with T.

Hugs to you WB Soup