[jazzy123456]

I wanted my relationship with T to be more honest because I sensed that it wasn't---or T was holding back...

Now I know without a doubt that T was holding back,

now that she and I have grown to know one another,

she knows me on a client level

I know her on a therapist level

neither of us hold back our opinions

and it makes me kinda sad

I miss being able to hear comforting words
kind words,

but, at the same time, doesn't this mean my therapist and I have grown
like, because we are so honest.

She disagrees with me a lot! It feels like she is so different then me
and doesn't understand me. It didn't feel that way before and that was because I was doing more of the sharing/talking and she was just listening.

What I believe is, she was still probably carrying the same attitude/demeaner of disagreeing, its just now, she's saying it
instead of keeping quiet.

and it upsets me, because I guess, I miss her "warmth"

thats what it is. I miss that.
but, I'm happy at the same time that we've worked through enough
stuff to be honest with one another.

she talks to me different and stuff, like for example,

I wanted to do something and she said, "No, Jazzy.. do this."
I'll say..."you know I don't want to read this."
And she'll say..."read it. go ahead and read it. you know I'm not going to. I want you to. now do it."
I'll say.." I don't want to be emotional"
Then she'll say..." then why'd you come to therapy? you know thats what its about.."

sometimes it feels rude..at least, only really, that last comment did. she would have never said that to me a year ago. this is SOO like life, when you first meet someone, you don't know what to expect, so your not WHOLLY yourself...and then when your comfortable, well... the lion comes out...

It's like a tough form of therapy but, I THINK she still cares..its just tougher or something.

what do you think? should I be happy that its like this now or should I feel hurt that the "warmth" is gone?

[Omers]

My T has a tough love approach but she doesn't push me around. Dunno, that just seems strange to me. Weird.

[rainbow8]

If you are both being honest, how about saying "T, you're being more assertive or directive with me, and I miss your "warmth". Telling her how you feel about the changes is part of being totally honest, isn't it?

I suppose she thinks you can "take it" now, whereas before you weren't ready. But, is she really not "warm" anymore? I think there's a middle ground. I think a T can be confrontational and push you, but still be "warm". They don't seem like contradictions to me.

[Wren_]

now that i know about "nurturing" (thanks to a thread a few weeks ago ) I wonder if it's that part that is missing as far as the warmth? it seems to be more easy to identify it when someone is listening and you are talking; now you have a deeper relationship and more open honest exchange going on between you and I'm sure the care is still there but the nature of the exchange is lacking part of what it used to provide (and you need/want still) ... have you tried rainbows suggestion of letting your T know that you think it's missing?

[jazzy123456]

Tiger girl that made so much sense. THANK YOU. I will be taking rainbow's suggestion but, I feel like emailing it...just cus' now that its all written down, it makes sense. for so long, I didn't know how to put what I was feeling in words. So, I just didnt say anything. thanks rainbow & thanks for the input omers.

[Wren_]

that's great you are going to share this with her I hope the email exchange goes well and that together you can find what works best for you

[jazzy123456]

at the same time, I don't want too. thats like telling a boyfriend you need them to care, aren't they supposed to do that already? idk if I want to tell someone something that should be done naturally? then I'll feel like its fake, not real

[Wren_]

she already does care so I don't think it's that you are saying that or that it would be fake; it's more that you are addressing the question of that things changed and you value the change but miss the nurturing warmth she used to provide and wonder if there is a way to have both?

[rainbow8]

I understand what you're saying, but with Ts, it's different. You can use an "I" statement like "I feel like you're not being as warm towards me as you used to be. I want to check that out." That wouldn't be telling her how to act. Maybe she doesn't see it the way you do, so you're just asking her for her version. I've discovered that it's okay to tell or ask my T anything! If it bothers me, it's okay to tell her. It's freeing to have a place where nothing is off limits.

[jazzy123456]

it just stinks too--that she seems to care about me less because I've been her patient for so long. I try not to think of it that way. See, I'm not saying she doesn't care. I'm saying she cares less...like cares less if I'm okay when I leave or if I will come or when I will come back. She doesn't return my emails anymore, thats part of the warmth I miss. I asked her one day to tell me to stop emailing and she just kept saying I don't really want you to stop though.. its almost like, some part of her, in therapy, wants me to know its okay to email, she just doesn't want to respond..I wish she would have told me to just stop emailing cus'ever since then, she says ITS okay but, wont reply. like for some reason, that conversation, gave her permission to not reply.. but, thats not really what I needed. I just wanted to know if she wanted me to stop completley..
and she didn't... but, now, whats the point of it? with no response? I didn't realize how much I liked the responses until I didn't get them. thanks for letting me share like this.

[sunrise]

Jazzy, what bothers me about what you wrote is that it sounds like your T acted really differently toward you in the beginning. She was "holding back", she was being comforting and warm, she was seeming to agree with you. But now she is not holding back, she is not comforting and warm, she is disagreeing, she is "rude". If I were her client, that would make me feel like she had been fake to me at first, that she had not been genuine. I really value when a person is genuine and authentic. I think a therapist can be very genuine/authentic and still be effective. (My T is genuine, honest, warm, offers comfort when I need it, and also doesn't take c**p from me. There is no contradiction in all these things.) I would like to see your T be her true self from the beginning. I think it can be very disturbing to a client when a T seemingly changes their personality like that. It leaves one wondering who this person really is and if they might choose to change again. It makes it harder to trust.

Can you talk to her about this? It sounds like you have some hurt feelings and that will not help you trust or move forward. Good to clear the air? Find out who the real T is? Maybe she can help you see that there is some consistency in her personality after all?

[unaluna]

Hmm. You want the warmth from her, but do you give it to her? No, you give her resistance. I am betting, if anybody needs lessons in warmth and loving and giving and risking, it's me, not my T. He does keep the love coming, but I don't think I could ever talk to him like you say above. I kind of panic even reading it, I think my mother is going to suddenly appear out of nowhere and give you whatfor for the backtalk! I am getting out of the way! Hope you resolve this with your T. I'm sure the love is still there.

[rainbow8]

jazzy, I kind of agree with sunrise. You say that you and your T are honest with each other yet you have all of these hurt feelings inside of you. I wish you could tell your T what they are!! I think you need to do that!

About the emails. Boy, do I relate to that. Maybe your T is like mine, and simply does not want to do therapy via email. Answering your emails would be doing that. Although my T and I decided that she will no longer send me my one email anymore, I still want to email her. I wasn't getting much from that one email anyway. I think there are a lot of reasons it still helps even without the answer. I know my T reads all my emails, so she KNOWS what I'm thinking and feeling. That's the main reason I do it.

Why do you want to email her? Or don't you? Is it the inconsistency that is bothering you? It's that she hasn't made the boundaries clear enough to you? You said you miss the responses. I did too. I mean, I loved it when I got responses to my feelings about the session each time I emailed.

So, your T stopped replying whereas she used to? I think you need to have an honest discussion about your feelings about the email. Again, you say you're being more honest, but it doesn't seem that way to me. It's yucky having questions and confusion about what's going on inside your T's head. If you ask her, then you will at least know. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do but I'm sure you can resolve it!

[Wysteria]

Hi Jazzy,

I don't know..but I feel like being originally from the deep South like you..I wouldn't appreciate her for what she is doing for a slightly different reason. Back home..we can get superficial really quick and be very nice and still cut you to the quick... but true friends in the South are the ones that will be very direct with you and the ones that will speak from the heart and call a spade a spade. You know a true friend because they will call you on your "stuff" and won't let you slide. The friends that don't really care are the ones that butter you up and blow sunshine up your skirts. Please don't laugh, but the first time my T tried to compliment me, I flat out accused him to his face of tring to "blow sunshine up my ***** and told him I wouldn't be coming back if that's all he was good for..." Needless to say, he's very sparing with them now, but I always know they are "real" and meaningful to me.

I would say your T comes as close to deep affection as possible when she cares enough about you to confront you and not let you dangle in the wind and hurt yourself in the end. True affection is hard, and means effort and really working with the people you cherish to help them be the best they can be...not just making them feel pretty... I hope you will still let her know that the occasional healing word, praise or hug would help the 'medicine go down'...so to speak..I'll bet she'd be surprised and grateful for the heads up. Nothing wrong with asking for a hug or just the right kind of praise when you need that too.

As for the emails, look at it this way, even though for whatever reason she had to set the boundary that she would not email out (many are doing that for fear of emailing TO the wrong client...) she definitely made it VERY clear that she still wants to receive your emails, and wants to hear about you outside of session, and to think of you when you are not around...that's pretty awesome! Perhaps you could begin to ask for the first 5 min of your sessions to be her time to respond to some of what you have 'put out there' for her in your emails? I bet she'd go for it if you went ahead and asked to "schedule" it in to your session time... That way perhaps you are asking for what you need within the bounds of what she can give..

I'd rather have a Weezer than just another belle at the ball at my back any day of the week... PTL and pass the ammunition...!

Boy I miss the double blooming azaleas and iris, the dogwoods growing wild and the tall pines clacking gently in the wind when it storms...with the frogs chatting and a lone train in the distance...hmmm

(but maybe not so much the traffic on 285 and 400..lol)

Peachy huggles just for you...

Wysteria Blue

[ECHOES]

Let her know what you are noticing so you and she can talk about it.
What comes to mind for me is that early therapy can be like early developmental years and that T gives what seems appropriate at the stage of development where we are. Like a parent does, nurturing at 3 months of age is different than nurturing at 5 or 12 years of age. Both need nurturing but in different way. Likewise, as we grow in our therapy, the need for nurturing might change or the way it is offered might change. It might seem like it isn't there when it is. That's why it's so important to talk about.

Part of me thinks "hhmmm maybe projection going on here", but then when I read that she no longer returns email, then that is a solid piece of info and her consistency shouldn't change no matter how long together. I wonder if she is having some counter-transference going here? perhaps your growth is a threat to her and she is unconsiously punishing you for maturing?