Partial Disturbing Memories

Such great insight Peaches!! I would suggest starting working on what you talked about in post # 21 , and just keep in mind what you talked about in post # 23 & 24.

Peaches - I can relate to this SO strongly. Its kind of where I am right now.

It sounds like you had a productive session and feel more confident about working through the feelings about your memories. I like that you're discussing how to trust your memories and feelings instead of dismissing them as being imagined. I can understand how difficult it is to let your T see some of the hurt, child parts. I have trouble with that too. Our protectors are protecting us, but I wish they'd go away sometimes.

When you said you were working with ego states, is that the same as IFS? Does your T call it that now? Just curious as to why you used that terminology in your post instead of IFS. I know it's what sunrise's T does, and it's a little different from IFS.

Hi Peaches..

Sounds like in opening up to your T about wanting to discuss again the issue of past abuses and traumas that ya'll ended up having an incredible session and a lot of revelation. I had picked up on the invalidation of your mom when you had told her about your sister.. Between that and the church and everything else, I can certainly understand your reluctance. I think the idea of just dealing with the emotions and letting yourself remember what you do remember without "having" to put a name or face to it for now is a great idea..just let if flow and untangle at it's own pace.

You know a few years back..I was working in a financial institution up in a high rise and someone had been getting into some of the ladies' purses and stealing some money and things. At one point, I had caught a girl behind my associate's desk as she was standing up. She had no business at all in my area of the institution (it was off limits) and my friend kept her purse down there. I was SO incredibly hesitant to do or say anything or to place blame. Finally I did say something. They brought in an outside detective, and he questioned me at length. I told him in a very detailed way EXACTLY what I had seen, where her hands were and everything she did. He told me in NO uncertain terms that I had witnessed an attempted theft, and had foiled it by walking in on her. In the end, it turned out that she had a drug addiction, and had been the thief, and all thefts stopped after she left. A kind hearted banker had brought her in as a friend of the family.

The point is...I too had been trained not to blame others and had been shushed and invalidated enough as a child not to trust my own eyes. I was so embarrassed to lay blame for something as serious as theft in a financial institution. I felt terrible guilt for getting her fired. My wonderful boss who was the only other one that ever knew what had happened gave me a firm but kind talking to about it finally...he could see my hurt.

Invalidation and not being heard or listened to is an INCREDIBLY POWERFUL force. I'm so glad you recognize that mother part in you and how domineering she can be over your other younger selves. I hope you can learn to work around her and let your T and your adult self honour and cherish and truly "hear" what your younger self has to say...

Loving huggles for all your inner selves today...they've been working very hard to heal...

Wysteria Blue

I mean several things-- guilt can keep one stuck and lower ones self esteem. the "little voices" of low self-esteem might tell one-- "you aren't worth such attention", "you aren't loveable" and perhaps, "you mess everything up". So feeling guilty about ones past can give power to that low self-esteem, which feeds the mind to think of more negative things from the past -- and after a while the negative gets bigger and bigger and becomes overwhelming.... and seems too huge to cope with.

does that make sense? guilt + memories= growing negativity.

****** caution --- may trigger *****

I get caught in the "suction" of guilt-- a lot of times, I don't even realize it... it grows and grows if I don't get a hold of it, or get help to get a hold of it. --- "If i was a better/loveable 4 year old girl my mom wouldn't want to kill herself."-- "I watched through my child's eyes, paralyzed, while babies were slapped, pushed and beaten, I wasn't able to stop it, so I think those babies must hate me"--- "If I was a worthy person something would have been done to punish that guy that had the gun"..... so unloveable, hated and unworthy....
that's me
that's the power guilt has......

I wonder what power it has on you.....

Hi Earthmama,

It's interesting that your mind associated SA with emotional abuse. I suffered what feels to me like a lot of emotional abuse from my dad. But then, i have always been very sensitive, and probably felt hurt and traumatized by things that other kids would have just let roll of their back. So I am not sure if what my dad did was that bad. I just know that he picked at me and made fun of my feelings, sometimes until i cried and he would sometimes laugh about it. And he yelled at me alot for not doing things just right. But I'm fairly certain that I'm not using SA as a symbol for emotional abuse, although i totally can see how that happens sometimes.

About the partial memories of SA of my sister, which i think i overheard happening, I just really, really do not want to probe my mind about "who" it was, if it indeed happened. I do have a fear it was a certain person, but my h has put that into my mind because that's what he thinks. So this may be influencing me into thinking it was that person. I also have partial memories about SA of me involving a neighbor, which i absolutely know did happen, but I can't recall all of the details. I'm sorry that you suffered emotional abuse. It is hard to pin down. You can see a broken bone, but you can't see broken feelings.

I'm a person who likes to understand things and have definite answers, so it's very anxiety producing and frustrating for me NOT to be able to put 2+2 together!!! I really believe it is standing in the way of me healing from it. How do you heal from something that you only partly remember?

Sannah,

My session is tomorrow, and I'm starting to get very scared feelings like i want to cancel.

Yes, we did talk about it a long time ago, but it has been a long time. I remember her telling me to pretend it was some other kid that went through what i did -- would i blame them and think they were at fault for what happened to them? I know i wouldn't. But i have a different standard for me than for them. It seems different. I don't know why.

Hi Stopdog,

Yes, i wish memory was 100% reliable. In my case, i have a bad memory! Am always misplacing keys, forgetting things. As far back as i remember, i have always been kind of a space cadet. It has only been latley that i have begun to figure out that i think i have trouble with sensory overload. I think that i cannot tolerate too much happening at one time -- i can't process it. It's almost like my mind starts shutting down if there's too much going on. Visually, i get tunnel vision. If i focus on something, i don't see what's in the rest of the visual field. Also, when i am inside my head thinking, i do not notice what is physically around me. When i drive in the car, it's hard for me to drive and try to visit with the passengers at the same time. So what looks like having a bad memory or being forgetful might be a problem with not being able to handle "input," I guess you'd call it. That might be why i do not remember all the details of my abuse too. It was probably "too much" to process or something.

Hi Bonniejean,

It's a hard place to be, isn't it? When you have needs, but yet don't want to seem needy. Does it make you want to deny or bury the part of you that feels needy? That's not a good alternative either, because then we're actually denying a piece of who we are. Have you talked to your t about this?

Hi Rainbow,

Yes, I'm trying to trust my memories. I just don't want to "fill in the blanks." I mean i DO want to know the whole story because i think maybe then i could process it and be done with it. But I DONT want to know for fear it will be too much to handle. So i just want to try to process what i DO remember -- and the feelings about what is fuzzy -- if there's a way to do that.

I don't know why i called it ego states. I think of it as the same thing as IFS -- although maybe there are some differences??

Your dad didn't give you what YOU needed. The best parents give their children what they need. You deserved to get what you needed.

Be brave! Push yourself!

Can you talk to her about why you have a different standard for yourself then?

I think that if you start to unload your stuffed emotions that this would help immensely. Having a bunch of distressing stuffed emotions does affect your thinking.

Read the book Getting Through the Day by Nancy Napier. T must help you with this and the book will explain it all to you even if you do not dissociate. I got the book on Amazon. T told me to read this book and it is by far the best reading on memories I have ever encountered.

I always worry about false memories. I will have to ask T. I have a partial smell memory right now and it is confusing and distressing because I want it to be real and the truth.

Hi Wysteria!

I liked your idea about trying to deal with the emotions & the part i remember, and not worrying about filling in the blanks. "Letting it flow and untangle at its pace" is what i need to do. Part of my problem is in trying to understand everything and getting stuck and hung up (or my mind going in circles) until i find the "answer" or "solution." It's very crazy making!!!

Wow, interesting about the attempted theft you witnessed. I can relate to the hesitancy you felt in saying anything. I have a habit of always trying to "think the best" of people, even when it is probably clear to others that their intentions are not good.

In your shoes, i probably would have automatically thought, "Oh, so and so would never steal!! I'm sure there's some other explanation for it." I have learned from my mom to put a happy face on everything. But sadly, things aren't always rosy, and people don't always good intentions. I want so much to think that people do the right thing, and that they want to do the right thing. It has led to me getting very hurt at times!

I'm glad you said something, and that the outcome validated that you were indeed right in your suspicions.

Yes. . .I can admit, i guess, that my parents were invalidating. My dad did it by teasing, provoking, laughing, or at times just telling me straight out that my thoughts or feelings were stupid or wrong. My mom invalidated my feelings by ignoring it whenever i was in emotional pain. It was that putting on a happy face thing again. . ."If i don't see it, it is not there." I find that I've developed a part of myself that does the same thing, and it keeps me from being able to discern how things truly are.

I don't know when i started being reluctant to let others to be accountable for their actions, or to make excuses for them. But i recall doing it even when a small child.

I remember being in the first grade. I had a friend named Connie. Her mom was my babysitter. One day, Connie and i were standing outside by her mom's peony bush. Connie kept picking the peony buds off and peeling them, holding them to my nose and saying, "Smell these. They smell just like onions!" I remember feeling very uneasy. I said, "Are you sure it's OK to pick these?" and she responded, "Yes, it's OK. They are just weeds!" And she happily picked away. I didn't pick any, as i was afraid they were, indeed, flowers. Shortly afterward, Connie went indoors, and I stayed outside.

Not long afterward, Connie showed up at the window, with wide eyes, she was obviously scared. She said, "Please tell my mom you picked them! Please, she'll kill me!" Just then, her mom marched out the back door with a paddle in her hand. She walked up to me and twisted my arm. "Did you pick these?" she asked angrily. "Yes," i told her. She swatted me good. I remember that it hurt my feelings to get spanked for something i didn't do. But it seemed it was for the greater good. I didn't want my friend to be scared or get in trouble. It was easier to get spanked myself than to see her get spanked.

Hi Purplefins,

You are on the mark, when you mention "guilt." I do feel guilty, very often. It's surprising that in all the years i've been with my t in therapy, we haven't talked that much about guilt. We probably should. If i kept track of all the times i feel guilty and why, the list would probably be very long. I'm so used to feeling guilty and bad about myself.

My husband told me just the other day that i always talk bad about myself. When i make a mistake, i call myself stupid. Or if i don't stick to my diet, i am being bad. Then i feel guilty for making the mistake, or for eating the muffin or whatever. I even feel guilt at times for things i can't quite pinpoint. Like there is a part of me inside that insists that the reason my parents didn't show more affection and support was because i did something awful not to deserve it -- even if i can't remember what it was, i feel sure i did "something" i should not have.

I'll make a note that i need to talk to my t about "guilt." Thanks for bringing this up.

I'm sorry that you were made to feel guilty and responsible for your mom's problems when you were so little! That must have been a hard burdento bear! You weren't responsible for her pain.

[quote=peaches100;2044258]Hi Wysteria!

I liked your idea about trying to deal with the emotions & the part i remember, and not worrying about filling in the blanks. "Letting it flow and untangle at its pace" is what i need to do. Part of my problem is in trying to understand everything and getting stuck and hung up (or my mind going in circles) until i find the "answer" or "solution." It's very crazy making!!!

Hey Peaches,

Boy did I ever relate to your story about Connie. Man that must have hurt badly. You know the invalidating part of me I even named "Southern lady" when I did my parts work. That children were to be seen thing can be deadly. How many times were you told when you were very angry or frustrated that "you are just tired?" or to go to your room until you could "get yourself together and be presentable" ? Ugggh!! I still get invalidated all the time by my boss who is also my ex-husband..both in protecting the employees and kids from him and in the work that I do and he treats as if it is monumentally unimportant. Drives me insane, literally.

I hope you will continue to let things unravel with your T as you do you work with them. I've noticed that if I let the stories just come up as they are triggered by him, that they come back in more detail because if I just try to remember them on my own the natural blocks and distortions prevent me from thinking them through completely. I try not to so much on my own anymore, unless I am concentratedly writing about one of them in particular like a specific event or moment.. Don't know if that makes sense to you...but maybe try not to find answers or patterns in the memories yet...just an idea there.

Best wishes in your healing journey and lots of hugs for the hard work you are already doing..

Wysteria Blue

i feel sad for that part also because i feel i know that part so well through my own experiances.it is so hard to trust when you have been so hurt and tramatized.i know for me it is way to scary for me to deal with head on.but my T has been working on this with me.i have been away so i was unable to see this and i hope that you are doing a bit better please let me know how you are doing ok

Hi Sannah,

Yes, i can talk to her about my standard for myself. I don't know why it is different for me than for others though.

I think you are right that i need to get out my stuffed emotions. I think i have TONS of pent up feelings. Unfortunately, i get emotionally overloaded/overstimulated very easily. This makes it hard to let out and process my feelings. Because if i can't gage them well enough, then too much comes out and i end up feeling retraumatized. It has taken my t and I a long time to figure out how to titrate them into small enough portions to actually work on them. I hate being so sensitive and easily overwhelmed by my feelings!

Hi Lacelu,

It is interesting that you recommended the Nancy Napier book. My t recomended this book to me a very long time ago. i got it but never read it, as we ended up taking a different direction. But maybe i should get that book out now and read it? I'll mention it to my t.

Laceylu,

I understand how you feel, i really do. It's hard to work with "pieces."

[quote=Wysteria;2044339]

Hi Wysteria,

Like you, I have alot of invalidation happening in my life now. It makes it very hard to get over the past, and to feel good about myself, because in other spheres of my life, people continue to treat me as though i am invisible or worthless -- which is exactly the way i felt as a child. After awhile, i can't help but think perhaps it's true because it's the message i keep getting over and over, with different people in different situations. I don't know why it happens, but it feels awful.

I want to follow your advice about not trying too hard to figure things out and let the memories come on their own. I use analyzing as a defense against feeling my feelings.

Thanks for the hugs.

Hi Granite,

I'm sorry you're struggling with some of the same stuff. It's hard. And i get the same fear rush through me when i think about dealing with it head on. It's sad to be afraid of what might be hidden in one's own mind. But if something happened so overwhelming that i had to stuff it away, then maybe it is too harsh for me to deal with now. ?? I just feel great fear for no good reason i am aware of. I told my t i want to process the fear/feelings but not try to access the memories. So last week, we just worked on tolerating anxious/scared feelings in my body. We took a little bit at a time, and i told her when it got too scary and we stopped. So i feel like i learned to handle it a little bit more.

Great work Peaches!!!!!!!!!!!!1