Forgetting my T?

I'm still away, enjoying my family except that I've had a cold/virus for the last few days and feel crummy.

I still have not emailed my T and it will be 2 weeks on Tuesday. I'm supposed to call her if I want but I'm coughing too much. It also seems like I forgot her! I mean that I can hardly visualize her! Isn't that weird? It seems like she's not there anymore. I want to email her because I have so much to tell her, but maybe it's better just to forget her until I get home. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not sure if I will be home the week after next or not.

I haven't been online much and just wanted to check in.

i was thinking of you earlier today - good to hear from you!

2 weeks is awesome!

hope you feel better soon, rainbow!

I just checked the library. My T returned In Session. I wonder if she read any of it.

I am sorry you are not feeling well. It sounds good that the urges to contact the t have subsided some for you.

I cannot remember what the t looks like from week to week. I fully believe if I passed either the current one or the one from three weeks ago, I would not recognize them out of context. I cannot call up their faces. I was always surprised in the just past one, how her office was well lit each week when i went in, because in my memory it was very dim and dark. So I don't know if it is odd or not that you cannot remember.

Well done Rainbow. You are making it on your own! I bet T will be very proud of you! Emjoy the rest of your trip and I hope that you feel better soon.

I always hate getting a cold when I am on vacation. Happens without fail though for me.

Two weeks is impressive! There will be so much to tell T when you return. She will be looking forward to the stories I am sure.

I've been seeing my T for about 2.5 years now, and I have the same problem. I sit across from her every week, but if can't call a picture of her to mind if she's not right in front of me.

She says she thinks it has to do with my background...that the whole "object constancy" think didn't really work itself out successfully for me as a kid. Makes sense, but I hope I can fix that eventually...I think I'd be a good bit happier if I did.

I will say that I've seen her twice out of context, and recognized her right away. I guess it's just the picture/connection I can't hold when she's not there.

It is odd, but when I am physically ill, the therapy need goes out the window for a while. My T said that is explained in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

http://psychology.about.com/od/theor...archyneeds.htm

We first need to be physically well/safe before we can work on the emotional needs.
That made sense to me.

But you haven't forgotten her completely because you have thought about her here. The not being able to visulise was a biggy for me also. I use to really fight to remember her face. That changed. Not sure when, think it was a gradual thing. Think it was when I begun to trust that part in me that was now "us", I stopped "killing" it off which enabled me to remember much more of the time.

Wow, Earthmama. It's so interesting to think of it this way. All along I've been thinking that it--visualizing her in between--is something I just can't do yet, like a skill that I don't have that will come with time. (And I imagine it will.) But it never occurred to me to consider that the reason why I can't remember her has to do with my own active and purposeful forgetting. But now that you mention it, knowing myself, that seems even more likely the case.

Anyway, so I'm not completely hijacking Rainbow's thread...Can you tell us, Rainbow, how you're feeling about your attitude about/handling of your current absence from T? And what do you think she'll think about it?

Hugs to you...hope you're feeling better soon!

Hey Rainbow,

you have done so well to not email your T in almost 2 weeks and I hope you are having a lovely time! I can imagine it's hard to be away from T but you are doing great. If you can cope without her until you get home then I would consider doing that but if not don't beat yourself up too much, im sure a phonecall to check in would be ok if she said it was .

I hope you feel better soon with your cough/cold

all the best
xxxxx

Hi, Rainbow

I'm new here, and wasn't sure where to jump in.

When I saw your post I related to it so much that I wanted to reply. Hope that's okay. It reminds me exactly of what I went through on a two-week vacation I took earlier this year. I don't know if you relate to this, but I typically have a hard time keeping my therapist in my mind, especially after a day or two after an appointment. Before I left for the trip, I had a lot of anxiety about leaving, and then once I left, it was like a protective switch was flipped and she was no longer "there."

I may be pointing out some things that you already know, but I just wanted to offer what I think happened with me since it sounded so much like your situation. With me, it was like I "forgot" her. (Not literally or completely) but once the bout of anxiety was over and the switch was flipped I really had no urge to contact her and she was as good as "gone" until I returned home. I thought about emailing her but I felt like I could take it or leave it, and decided not to because I much preferred the "numb" feelings I had somehow achieved to how I usually feel. I really felt nothing in particular about her, which is nothing like the norm. That told me it was an unconscious protective mechanism of some sort having to do with my history. But I really appreciated it! lol

Anyway, I just wanted to say that since I related to your post. I may be wrong, but for me although it definitely made my trip easier, I know it had a lot to do with object constancy and a history of being "left" or alone. It was a protective mechanism which I sure wish I could draw on consciously sometimes to numb my feelings

I hope I didn't ramble too much.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.

I do this too!! Every freaking time I come in and think "Wow, this place is way more well-lit than I remember!". It's so odd.

same here. especially at the beginning of therapy. i could not remember what my therapist looked like and the room was always brighter than i remembered it to be. it IS weird.

I just wanted to quickly address what rainbow wrote, and others echoed, about not being able to remember her/a T's face. For those of you with BPD (particularly if you're a "quiet,as-if borderline"), this is a dissociative trait rooted in your psychopathology. I first learned about this from Cohen & Sherwood, I believe, but borderlines can expect to have trouble concretely remembering or visualizing their T's face between sessions. This is often why borderlines will want or keep a photo of their T as a transitional object between sessions for comfort.*

Incidentally, this phenomenon will also occur with anyone else a borderline feels intensely about.

I hadn't given not being able to remember my tdoc's face much thought until after reading this and realising I've been seeing her for 2 years and I can't visualise at all..

Anyhoo, I came in to bow to Rainbow. You are doing freakin' awesome!

I have a little time to write now. I feel better, but my H doesn't. We all went to a park with a nature museum today, but he stayed in bed.

Christine: that's very interesting about BPD and not remembering faces! What book or article did Cohen and Sherwood write? Actually, in my post I meant not only am I forgetting her face, but my sessions too. I feel kind of in a fog about therapy, like it happened long ago. I'm almost afraid to contact my T again. It's been a peaceful break, but that's how vacation is. When SHE goes away, I know I will be miserable!!

I've never thought about how well-lit my T's office is, but that's interesting too.

Clementine, it's nice to "meet you". Feel free to jump in to anyone's thread anytime! It may in fact be a kind of protective mechanism for me too. I never expected to feel this way. I have such strong feelings for my T and my sessions lately have been intense. Maybe my mind and body needed a rest from all that!

dizgirl, I do feel a little better today. Thanks. I am afraid if I call her I'll miss her so much that I won't enjoy the rest of my trip. But I need to call or email to set up my next appointment. I don't know what to do. I don't trust myself to do either though I know it's okay, like you said. Going this long, especially the first week when I was still home, without emailing, was a major accomplishment. I'm afraid it will "disappear" if I give in now, and that I won't be able to do it again. Or will I?

2or3things: I feel surprised that I could go so long without emailing my T. I'm a little scared that I will be overly dependent on her when I see her again, to make up for it. OR, I will push her away. I'm afraid our connection will be diminished in some way. What will she think? She will be glad I could do it! She'll want to know how I felt not emailing her. I don't really know why the urge isn't there now. My cold, like WePow wrote, may have something to do with it. I have no energy to think about my therapy now.

earthmamma, you're right. I think about her, but not clearly. I had a dream about her too, and I never did before. It was weird. She was waiting for me at my house but I was taking a bath and was bleeding from my period. I knew she was waiting for me but I had overslept and needed to take a bath first. We met outside and there were a lot of people there to see me, and I was annoyed. I don't remember the details. I had to help T with setting up or packing up or something and we had to get away from all those people all over my front yard to have my session. (Note: I don't get my periods anymore and never take baths!)

Thanks, stormy and WePow. Maslow--yes, I remember him and it's true.

stopdog: thank you!

Cats: thank you!

Flooded: Thanks. I'm worried that it won't last, though. But I proved to myself that I could do it!

I just want to add that I can't remember my latest sessions except for the holding hands part of them and the hugs. I remember bits and pieces, only. I think that when I email it helps me to keep the session clearer, but I don't know if that's necessarily good or not. The essence of what my T gives me I remember. I do remember her showing me the photos of her family. It's almost like she's dead (my worst fear) and I'm surviving.

Don't you love it when you start to feel better only DH gets sick? When that happens with us, fortunately he doesn't get quite as sick as I tend do. I'm glad you feel better; I bet your sessions and being with T comes back when you are with her next!

Do you think that since you're busy and occupied that your T begins to take a back seat in your consciousness? Maybe a key to distancing ourselves from T a bit is to be more involved in life itself. Our minds probably can't attend to lots of things at once.

My perspective changed because of some bad news I received. A friend I've known since college died and I won't be able to get to the funeral. She was my age and it was unexpected. I want my T now!! I know I'm going to email or call her. Grief/death is her specialty.

i am sorry for your loss...but can you try & handle it on your own first...see how it feels without automatically reaching for t. you have done good in not reaching out ...so you can do it.

in life there will always be some loss...& there may not always be a t handy to reach out & call...maybe that loss will be a friend, pet, job, etc...

i am not saying calling is wrong...but i can always say my t will be an expert in what ever crisis i am having (she's a phd..& a t...hell she's trained to handle it all)...but i (stumpy) will never learn to heal if i don't try to handle things on my own first...it's like a bird learning to fluy, kid learning to walk etc. i know she is there if i can't do it.

i had a dear friend last year who suicided. i tried to handle in on my own for most of the day, gave it all i had before calling her...because realistically it was my loss to process & no matter what it was going to hurt like hell...there was going to be pain...she might make it less painful but there was no way to ease the sting. she knew it, i knew it.

she asked why i didn't call her immediately...& i told her that...her response was that it was true..especially over the phone there really isn't much she could say or do to make it less painful. she could listen but it was indeed something i would have to process.

so maybe i suggest process your loss for a bit.....your t is not handy...meaning she is not on your trip. she can not be there to hold your hand, or make it all better...the loss is hard but eventually we all face loss. sit with it. be gentle to yourself, & celebrate the friend you knew. make peace with it.

make your t proud by working thru this before you call..or at least trying.

stumpy

Thanks, stumpy. I'm not calling or emailing my T yet. Your post made me sad but you're right. I do need to contact her about my appointment for next week but I can do it later in the week.

What I noticed is that I'm thinking more about my T now. But I'm going to think about my friend and her suffering family and write something comforting for them, or at least express my feelings to them, instead of thinking about my T.

I'm also going to enjoy every minute with my family here. One d. and family are on their way home now. Trying not to worry. One birthday girl here is sick and didn't go to school. We are all under the weather but at least we are all alive and healthy.

I think you are doing great Rainbow! Sounds like you are absorbed IRL instead of your T! I'm sorry about your friend.

I wonder what a period symbolizes in a dream? You were making her wait while you were cleansing yourself. Others were interfering with your being able to connect with T