[mommyof2girls]

Sitting at work....a million and one things going thru my mind.....UGH!!!!!

[nicoleb2]

Have to go see T in just over an hour. Worried. She's going to see how poorly i rally am doing... not good

[pbutton]

19 days since my last session, 9 more to go until the next one. Ughhhhhh.

[beauflow]

Sigh. Yesterday i was pleasently surprised. we got all the things i wanted done at home

Today back to work which i am dreading due to basically the last time i was there i was told all these things i had to do when i came back even thou some one else was in over the weekend that could have done it. Blah. Need to get back on mood trackin which i know like sunday was the only ok day with out leaving earth thoughts.

Today will be good thou if i can try to have a good attitude maybe? I'll spend what time i can, with what i want before having to go to work tonight.

I don't see t till next week cuz she's still on vacation. And i still have court to come which at least my lovely got insurance. His sister now says she wont be sending proof that it was insured. I'm beginning to think she didn't have it insured which isn't nice to lie about. I know not all courts are like what she said "they don't care as long as you have it insured when you go" no when i was 20 i had similar thing- they just reduced the amount i had to pay. Needless to say i'll be happy when i'm done with court regardless if she helps out with a small piece if she can or it's been a fib. I'll be much happier when the car gets registered to my boyfriend as well.

On a good note- my cool phone broke recently with me being stupid- the good note is i had the back up insurance on it so i'm getting some money back on it. Think i'll just pay off a credit card with it.

[nicoleb2]

Therapy was every bit as difficult as I thought it would be, and then some. I left there feeling like everything I've been doing and trying to get better is wrong.

I am just a truly bad person who is a truly lost cause.

[delicatefade26]

I feel really blah today...I have 4 hours till I see T...I think I'm going to sleep-I feel like I want to scream and cry and just lose it in front of T...I feel so weird...ugg

[Nelliecat]

Feel flat and yuck today. Feel nothingy.

Still feeling disconnected and unhappy. Didn't want to get up out of bed. Finally forced myself to go to the supermarket this evening, for something to do, to try and feel better - but it didn't work. I usually enjoy the drive, listening to the radio, but not one good song came on, and I just felt grumpy at other drivers tailgating me etc. I wondered if I was even really safe to drive, as I didn't feel like I was 'all there.' I went around the supermarket in an anxious daze, only buying a few things, all unhealthy nonsense. At the checkout, the girl was chatting away at me, and I was all fake smiles and giving lighthearted opinions on that most important and vital of shows - the X Factor - whilst thinking 'you work in a supermarket, why so freakin' chipper? You must be so deluded. EVERYONE is SO deluded!!' And then I was basically silently judging everyone in that supermarket on their being seemingly content with their sad little lives, thinking 'I see the truth! I see how it really is, and they don't, because they're stupid! Ignorance must really be bliss, you lucky f******' and other ramblings of a crazy person. I got home and somehow got talking to my dad, telling him some of these 'insights', and he calmly told me I need to tell my therapist this type of thing. I think he thinks she needs to see how crazy I really am, beneath the careful construct of intelligence, logic, sanity and calmness I try to put off.

THEN I had to ring my mother, as some kind of go-between, because someone was trying to get in touch with her but she always has her mobile switched off and won't give anyone else the landline number (DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!) It ended up being a stressful conversation -- most of what she was saying to me was irrelevant and I just felt really impatient to end the call, and she kept telling me she couldn't hear me, even though I was speaking as loudly as I cared to. Maybe she would hear me if she would just SHUT. THE. F. UP for a minute. In the end I had to shout down the phone, which I know came off as aggressive, and she got really short with me and we said our curt goodbyes before slamming the phone down. I'm supposed to go for tea with her tomorrow, but I just don't want to, I feel so mad with her right now.

So, following that was a binge on all the unhealthy nonsense I bought. Just so that I can feel sick and guilty on top of everything else. I've been cutting again as well, which just adds more guilt in to the mix. See how smart I am? I am just SO unhappy and SO frustrated and p***** off that I don't know WHAT to do anymore. I feel like throwing things and smashing plates.

I wish I could blame my mood on PMS, but it's not, I'm just a total b**** with an ugly heart. So now you know.

[beauflow]

I tried to have a good attitude but when i found i wasn't going to the store that sort of dragged me down. I needed trash bags to do what i wanted to do today. I had to leave dropping my package off in the hands of my lovely which upset me a little. I'm gettin tired of depending on others, esp with what's going on now. Sigh i'm anxious to go to work i hate it. I'm anxious about court, i don't have means to make it now how to make it in court? I got rid of my health insurance today too cuz i can't afford it and it isn't paying for much any ways. God i feel slowly slippin back into whatever i have been in for a bit. Thankful for the sprits of happiness i guess

[ShaggyChic_1201]

((((((((Just Some Girl)))))))

I feel like your psychic twin.

Too bad it sucks so badly. Couldn't we be psychic twins when soemthing good is happening.

[PleaseHelp]

Not feeling well. Don't want to eat or anything. Made supper for my SO. Am a bit irritated with him. I don't get to see him much b/c he's busy with school and everything. He comes up to have supper and sits down to watch a movie. When I told him that I didn't care for the movie he was watching, he just kept watching it. I'm now sitting in our bedroom on the laptop, while he watches a show. I just want to spend time with him. He's cranky and I understand. But I want time with him. OK enough with my rant.

(((((everyone)))))

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

At the checkout, the girl was chatting away at me, and I was all fake smiles and giving lighthearted opinions on that most important and vital of shows - the X Factor - whilst thinking 'you work in a supermarket, why so freakin' chipper? You must be so deluded. EVERYONE is SO deluded!!' And then I was basically silently judging everyone in that supermarket on their being seemingly content with their sad little lives, thinking 'I see the truth! I see how it really is, and they don't, because they're stupid! Ignorance must really be bliss, you lucky f******' and other ramblings of a crazy person.

I remember these kinds of thoughts, even others with mental health issues, whose minds have been taken away and seem totally content in their own little worlds. And I would be so jealous, Why not me? Why cant I be so deluded that I am happy and content with life? Why do I have to know the truth and see the reality of things? Why cant I be blissfully ignorant? Of course that stupid phrase that I was comparing my insides with other people's outsides always popped up. Who really knows whats going on inside for them. They could be slapping on that smile as well.

Today was a busy day, start of a busy week. Feel people have high expectations of me. Can I meet them? Probably, but when I said I would try to help it was a matter of seeing what I could do for them, not a matter of here these problems are yours to fix now.

HUGS

[scorpiosis37]

I'm extremely busy, and will be until the end of December. I'm in a PhD program and we're getting into finals season. I know intellectually that I'll pull everything together and excel, like I always do, but right now it feels almost impossible. I'm stressing out.

I had a session with T today and it was good but we only had time to get through some of the many things I wanted to discuss. I still struggle with wanting T to just hold me like I'm a kid and wave her magic T wand and make everything OK. I also thought about how much I care about T and how much support and comfort she provides; it will really hurt one day when therapy ends. I can't imagine not having her there to talk to and lean on when I need it. She's an important presence in my life.

[beauflow]

I* feel like a Jack***.. really-- I have been SIMI-b1tch1ng about my boyfriend's sister (I feel rejected some times to be honest, I have trouble enough opening up to people and when I open up to someone and feel ignored- I have issues with that-and I feel as if she has done this to me, and I am sorry).

I wrote a post on my stupid FB, and she replied to it with such great support- She thinks that some of my stuff I make by hand (dolls, and scarfs, and such) i could actually sell- she likes my art she likes the things I make....

I feel like a jackass- i really do, I have felt like she was trying to screw me over with stuff or that she lied about insurance.

I hate being me- i have such conflict with people internally of weather or not getting involved with them.... or weather to like them, trust them, and so forth- I have issues with it and I hate it- I hate that aspect of myself. Usually people outside have no clue the inner self conflict I have with them, they are unaware- they just know that I am distant- hard to get to know and stuff like that.

Like I let her know of my dx's cuz she has some things with her as well due to car accidents a while back and some other things as life as came--- she relates to some of them with me.... These past few weeks I have regretted to let her know I am bipolar2 with Borderline traits (I didnot tell of the severe ptsd though due to I did not want her to ask why).. I am always fearful people will look at me different, I fear she has told their parents and they don't know much on mental disorders of the such,

is this part of pushing people away- I let her know a bit about me and now I am getting mad at her and trying to push her away-- i hate me.. I don't understand me and it is hard to catch this stuff for me

but i feel horrible right now- she has been nice, supportive with you can do what you want- you make good stuff when I doubt myself... I don't hear many other people encouraging me with such things.

blah

[nicoleb2]

I sent my T a text and told her how upset I was from our session today and the fact that she was angry with me (she told me she was).

I told her I am now afraid to talk about my feelings and urges with anyone and I feel like I can't contact her when I am having SI urges as I am supposed to do.

I feel so awful, and I really want to SI, and now I have nobody to go to for help

***UPDATE***
T just texted me back and said she's proud of me for telling her how I feel. I really don't feel any more comfortable telling her when I am having SI urges though

[beauflow]

Nicole hugs to you. I know it's hard to tell ones about stuff but they get mad cuz they care.

As far as Beauflow- she is at work and feels a little manic to be honest. My head is racing. Time is going by slowly *but yet so fast* pacing around waiting for these stoner delivery driver is agitating

*Update I forgot to put that*
*Also I have been extra out of the Organization of Beauflow Norm--LOL To explain what i did would make no sense to anyone- but it is what I didz lol

[mommyof2girls]

Sitting here at work.... and again he is on my mind.... I wonder what he is doing at this very moment... ****sigh****

[WePow]

Saw T yesterday. It was tough love time and I needed that.
Things keep shifting inside. Have a rough work week with stuff.
Won't get to see T again until sometime next week.

[SoupDragon]

Not feeling great - just came backfrom T - an hour just is never enough - I am tired of this therapy thing.

[laceylu]

Feeling almost guilty for breaking away from hard issues for the holidays. I am loving the break. I feel almost normal and main personality is in charge again, doing a wonderful job of keeping it all together. I know I must finish the trauma work, so I will not get stressed and start having flashbacks at weird times. I will see T on Thursday and I am going to share my experience of switching at the store. First time ever that I was aware and could tell I was switching. It was so subtle that no wonder I did not even know I was doing it. OMG this is not what I expected when I started T again this spring.

[nicoleb2]

Still feeling really upset after my session with my t yesterday. Having bad urges but can't contact her because it doesn't feel safe anymore.

Thursday is going to be awful. I see my pdoc for the first time in 2 months, after he ignored me for over 5 weeks. I am considering writing a letter to him because I know I will freeze once I actually get in to my appointment with him. For some reason, I can't speak up so much to him... authority figure and all....

I want to just go to bed and stay there. Till about April.

[PleaseHelp]

Work was crazy busy. My boss is letting me make up hours, I don't get holiday pay. Sometimes he lets me make up the hours. I'm hoping the extra time will help me to get caught up.

I dropped off my weekly "mood journal" for my T. (She asked me to just write up how I was feeling each day) I almost didn't drop it off b/c I talk about being upset about our session last week. Normally I wouldn't say anything at all. I'm still tempted to just say never mind if she brings it up tomorrow.

Feeling disconnected from my SO. Feeling a bit scared that I'll tail spin like I did last year at this time and end up in the hospital again. I can't let that happen again.

Hugs to all who need them.

I woke at 3am and stayed awake until 12.30, before sleeping until around 4pm. My sleep schedule is so way off, and when I'm awake I mostly feel sick. Eating is a bit of a problem, as there's not a lot of things I can face eating right now. Went up to see my horse this evening, who was sulking again, but before I left I felt like we connected again, after just spending time leaning on each other while I scratched her neck and behind her ears. I feel better now we're back on good terms, I can't believe we 'fell out' the other day (I know, I can't believe I take a horse's moods so personally... crazy, right?)

Went to mother's. It wasn't so bad. I just stayed in my shell. She'd made my tea, but the portion was excessive, and afterwards I had to force cake down as well. Ugghhh. I don't like having to eat meals with others, I like to be in charge of my own food. Have to go out to a restaurant next week, which I'm going to find difficult.

Briefly annoyed myself a while ago because I crafted what I thought was a great reply to a post here on PC, but that thing happened where you hit delete and it decides to send the browser back a page. FURY and dismay! I should know by now to Ctrl+C every so often when writing out a long reply.

Feeling sick again so I'm going to try and sleep.

Peace and ((((hugs)))) to all.

[kaliope]

i became upset today. a mom not stepping up to protect children from an abusive dad. like she didnt have a clue it was her job. i explained her job as tactfully as i could. I hope i didnt come across too harsh.

my schedule has got super busy, ten new clients this week alone. the boss is wanting me to go to do toys for tots stuff in my free time and i told her that i am booked solid and she responded "you always have openings". turns out friday, i do have a four hour time block free, but T4T is at another location and i am kind of weird about leaving the office. The office is a "safe" zone. Home is safe. When i get to work, I dont like to leave work. That is going to make the whole T4T thing hard on me as we all have to pitch in going over there to distribute toys for the month. Maybe I will make a point of scheduling T4T time into my schedule and just plan it before work so I go there first, before work, then I wont be leaving the office to go there. Im so weird.

Hope everybody is doing well. sending hugs.

[cin1]

i had a better day. i can not fight something bigger than myself, so am not so angry, and someone made me smile..