[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Can I ask why you don't shower? I am not trying to be rude, just curious...

Ah! there's a whole nuther thread on the subject, from earlier this month! I did take one today tho, I had T, and talked about being the last to know, and my 9am xmas day dinner invite. T suggested it's so I am unable to bring a controversial companion on such short notice. WHERE *U* BEEN?

[beauflow]

grr.... so i was so drained this morning that i crashed to sleep after trying to saty up, when i was to saty up to hang out withmy boyfriend, he said it was ok and we slept my head was like throbbing like my heart ponding, it sort of concerned me but i was so tired .. then like maybe at most 5hours later up.. feel so drained and been trying to sleep but it is not coming.. i am glad my animals are with me though. both cat and dog on the bed with me its going to be a long day agin.

[nicoleb2]

Doing ok, made it through most of the day without flashbacks
One year ago today i attempted suicide and I am feeling extreme guilt and shame about it

[mommyof2girls]

So So So So tired of hearing the same people whining at work about the same things night after night....

been awake since 2am and I feel like I'm being gripped by the throat again.

[skeksi]

I hate that feeling, just_some_girl. It's one I can never get away from.

I was up all night, scared. I have been super-triggered since the holiday (had to see the person who traumatized me) and I've had lots of repairmen working in the house, which scares me. Something they repaired was making noise and I just felt sick about having to call and have someone out to the house again. When I called, though, it turned out to be a simple fix I could do. PHEW. Now my adrenaline has subsided and I am crashing big time.

[Unrigged64072835]

Financial planner this afternoon. I wish this nightmare was over. I know most people would think I'm very lucky money-wise, but I still feel like I need to grab and hold on to every single penny. I guess growing up poor and going without basics does that to me. I know the actions my husband and financial planner want me to do make sense, but I'm very reluctant to follow through with them. It'll put me in a position that I had been in only once in my life, and that time it felt extremely weird. Like it's not normal. I don't think they'll understand. Wish I had T before this appointment instead of tomorrow so I can sort this out but that's how the schedule worked out. And I know, wouldn't everybody just love to have an issue like this? It makes it hard to talk about because I should be so freaking happy, grateful and generous, but I really feel like crap about the whole thing. It's about more than just the **** money. It's about how I lived my whole life and how it's going to change, and I really feel uncomfortable about it even though it's good. Why can't I accept the good things when they happen??

This just looks like pissy whining when so many are struggling. I'm sorry. If I had enough to bail everybody else out I would. I just don't get bailing myself out first.

[Nelliecat]

Feeling flat today. Nothingy. Went to see an elderly friend this morning who I help out with her housework and she was pleased to see me. Think I forgot to take my AD yesterday. Missing my T. Still feeling a bit crappy with my cold. I'm bored with myself.

[PleaseHelp]

Not happy with the SO last night. He was a bit rude on the phone. Got all huffy like I never let him out of the house. Geez, I just asked what he was doing. I get home and he's drunk. He doesn't get drunk very often, but its a huge trigger for me. I just wanted to go to bed.

This morning, I was trying to get everything ready for when the girls came. We opened our presents together. I was the only one that didn't get something from the girls. Apparently they hadn't had enough time to work on it, so they were going to work on it today while I'm at work. I called about 30 mins after I was at work to ask something and the girls tell me my present is done. OK so it took them less than 30 mins to finish it. SO couldn't have made sure it was done before we opened presents. Already have an idea of what it is and SO has said it looks like a piece of $hit. Well that's great. Glad you helped them put some effort into it. I get that they're 10, but SO is how old! I make sure that they get/make him nice things. I help out alot where they needed it. This will be the 2nd Christmas in 5 years that I've ever gotten a gift from the girls. I've never gotten a birthday present and I've gotten 1 Mother's Day gift. I understand they aren't my bio kids, but still! I make sure he gets gifts for all his "special" days and that they are meaningful. Hell up until this past Christmas I made sure that the girls made their mom gifts! This makes me feel even more useless and like a piece of $hit. I probably shouldn't be getting so worked up about gifts. But it just really really hurts. Its like no one takes the time to think about me. I do all this stuff for them and get hardly anything in return. And then maybe its just how things are, mom's get the short end of the stick.

Sorry for the ramble. I know I should just be greatful.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I am getting quite discouraged at the hijacking of most threads I introduce. Perhaps one or two people are trying to drive me off of PC entirely.... they do it to me A LOT and have just no apologies.

... T, do you suppose anyone would care if that happened??

[nicoleb2]

Had some energy today and got some cleaning done. Now I just feel crappy. I feel like crying my eyes out, for no good reason (not that I will, cause I just don't). Blah

[mommyof2girls]

Feeling GREAT !!!!! Had a GREAT session with t today.....

At times I feel like people will never care for me the way I care for them & that saddens me deep...to the core of my soul 8(

[mommyof2girls]

((((((((SoFragile88))))))))

We are always here for you.....And we CARE about YOU!!!!!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I am getting quite discouraged at the hijacking of most threads I introduce. Perhaps one or two people are trying to drive me off of PC entirely.... they do it to me A LOT and have just no apologies.

... T, do you suppose anyone would care if that happened??

actually I was going to ask you where you've been, but I thought that would be kinda rude to pry. maybe the thread-ignore switches finally kickec in on mobile? seems like I don't see anybody anymore. If people are ignoring ME, I can still see them, right?

Today was a good day. Cleaned out the garage and threw away some things that really should have been gone a long time ago. Watching "Hoarders" really gets me going about not holding on to things that I will never use!

[beauflow]

Actually got some sleep--- Well the wake up was ok, the being awake was like wtf, try to remember things are not falling apart... Like My phone- I have paid for it (up for 2 months due to I knew I would be short on cash so I made sure- and the phone company is like pushing back my refill time- I am about to write a letter cuz as of now i have 6 minutes left for basically till the 3rd 23:59 or the 4th actually-- what ever-- Then I checked the mail to find a red slip.... disconnection notice for heat! I was upset with my BF he was to get this time around cuz I got the other large bill earlier this month- both were originally almost but below $100; but like 5 dollar difference-- I was not happy when he got in-- He paid it right then saying he thought he had till next month- IDK I did not get overly angry- I just knitted on a bear that i am making-
I was going to say Sorry- ME say Sorry cuz I felt at fault for some reason-- Then I just DID Not- Cuz I was like why me sorry for him not doing what he said- so I just sat there quietly -- He Said Sorry eventually for being delayed and that I was under stress-

A thing that sort of got me was he said -- You did not need to cry over it- I got mad at that cuz I did not cry- I was upset with him and bout the whole thing and It popped up memories for me from childhood of the sort but i tried best to stay calm- I just sat down and started to knit -- I looked upset I am sure- But I did not cry-- I told him that so too- i DID NOT cry! and he said sorry for that.

I love my boyfriend don't get me wrong, but that first off it's rude- second off even if I did cry-- I can cry if I want to cry mofo....

We are ok-- we played some games, it was nice.

but still- upsetting -- In ways it is calling me a cry baby cuz I get upset so some times and cry due to IDK what else to do at times-- a Cry Baby Huh?? - I don't view myself that way and I surely don't think others view me that way-- more of a b1tch to others than anything else.

Anyways-- Oh I forgot I was calling myself god yesterday morning LOL in a joking way-- I had laid down a piece of carpet rug in the bathroom under my cat's tinkle box; and my cat was like what is this, and then laid on it-- I told my cat that I was god and I put carpet on the floor- then turned to my boyfriend and said I was god.... I am sorry -- Simi funny to me but also, realize that -- that feeling I get when I say such things-- sigh-- I have been a little "hi-ffy" at work today as well- like wtf people, get this stuff done, wtf people why did you not catch this and i am catching it?, wtf people why can't you put simple info on this sheet- i will do it. get a cracking on stuff is me--- And Now I have nothing to do

sigh.. No wonder others here at work do not like me right? WTF people do this! Fine- I do it then! Done! ---- lol only my supervisor likes me in ways (she even gets mad with me though) and my Boyfriend which is Lead these days- is like, you don't belong here (in a good way not a bad way).... sigh-- I just don't understand- All it is procedures, and looking at things, and doing a little head scratching-- this is not that hard- takes some motivation but what job doesnt right?

Any who-- I have the next few days off-- I am excited even though strapped on cash

I am glad I get to just lazy around and do what I want and whatever! I want to make some jewelery ! There is a 50% sale at a local craft store on the items, I am going there later this Friday Yay!! project!! lol

Ok...I'll attempt to go back to sleep before having to get up at 7

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hankster

If people are ignoring ME, I can still see them, right?

I'm not ignoring you Hankster, I enjoy your humor

Today I am back at work for 1st time in 2 wks. Didn't get a whole lot "accomplished" but a lot of good rest; I think I hadn't realized how tired I really was.

Today would have been my Mom's birthday, #87. She would have hated it. For her birthday this year, besides prayers I'm giving her the hope that I am finally learning to understand her, and looking for that to lead to forgiveness. It's something that really needs to be.

Today I am wishing I hadn't given up caffeine

Today I realize that I see T in 4 days, after a looonggg break. I had told her I was going to work hard over the 3 wk interval, but she advised me to give myself the time off, so I haven't done anything therapy wise, really. Now I'm scared to go back, have no desire to address the dark ugly things T has just showed me are going on , & am looking for excuses to quit.

[WePow]

At work again today. I don't have the energy or desire to do any goals for 2012. And I am ok with that. Boss may not be! But whatever! LOL.
My brain was doing odd hot flash things inside last night. EMDR does that to me sometimes!

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I am getting quite discouraged at the hijacking of most threads I introduce. Perhaps one or two people are trying to drive me off of PC entirely.... they do it to me A LOT and have just no apologies.

... T, do you suppose anyone would care if that happened??

((((SAWE))))

I too felt very discouraged yesterday, and kind of invisible on PC. I hope you don't feel compelled to leave. I like reading your threads and replies and I would care if you left.

[Nelliecat]

Still feeling rather flat. Have walked to town with H and kids this morning to open bank accounts for the kids. It rained all the time we were out, horrible drizzly grey rain. H is in an impatient mood today and quite grumpy, but then so am I so whatever.

Slept until about 3pm. Not solidly, but every time I woke up I was like 'nope! I want no part of this! Zzz..' I had one of my recurring dreams again - the one where I want to talk but my mouth is full (popcorn this time) and I chew and chew and try to swallow it or even spit it out to get rid of it but there is always more, so I can't get my words out. Then I start drooling and feeling embarrassed.

So yeah, I guess this 'needing to speak up' idea is playing on my mind somewhat, huh? (Yes, I still have a 'lump' in my throat.)

In other news, I guess I'm now off popcorn. The dream usually involves chewing gum, and I've been almost phobic of it since.

Had the opportunity to go riding today, but my heart wouldn't have been in it. Just feeling too tired and drained.

I might have to actually eat something with some nutritional value soon - besides the mince pies, chocolate, or toasted teacakes I've been able to face. I can almost feel the lack of vitamins. But vegetables? Fruit? Ick. Just ick right now.

Still 5 days until I see T. 5 days until I can actually talk and someone will actually listen.

[agma]

I feel horrible (physically and emotionally). I called in sick today. Yesterday while at work, I had a lot of STRONG negative emotions hit me all at once. I did several things I shouldn't have, and that is part of the reason why I am suffering today. I am frustrated because I don't know what triggered this episode. I see t on Monday and I am hoping she can help me process what happened because it has really scared me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by beauflow

and my cat was like what is this, and then laid on it-- I told my cat that I was god and I put carpet on the floor- then turned to my boyfriend and said I was god.... I am sorry -- Simi funny to me but also, realize that -- that feeling I get when I say such things--

Aww kitty liked it! kitty acknowledged what you did for her. how simple is that, yet how powerful. your bf is acknowledging you too. that is a theme I am seeing across so many threads, it's my new years resolution too - acknowledging my power? something like that. great post!