[SoupDragon]

As long as the T you swap to, is as good as the original T (or better) - what are the pros and cons of changing?

I find the relationship with my T really difficult and put it down to my stuff and my inability to trust people - however what if, instead it is because my T isn't the best T for me and how would I know that - this is the only T I have ever had and for all I know could be the very best or one of the worse, as I have nothing to compare it against how would I know?

What are the advantages of staying with the same T?

I am realising I have an issue with showing absolute loyalty to people to the extent I get walked over and on occasions abused - so I am very confused whether I keep seeing the same T, because we are working well together, or because I just feel loyal to him.

All very confusing stuff in my head right now - any pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated - thanks - Soup

[wheeler]

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I had a T for many, many years. I thought she was a perfect fit until she dumped me. I spiraled for about 5 years after that until I found what I consider to be the 'really perfect for me' T. Don't get me wrong, the first T helped, but only so far. I went through a serious of other T's after that, but none of them felt right so I kept looking.

I can only see the Pro's now, but I'm hopefully on the other side now. Not that therapy is a breeze, but I finally able to deal with the 'hard stuff'.

Have you discussed this with your current T? It helped me, because I was afraid I was just jumping from therapist-to-therapist, unwilling to commit, but talking it through with former T's I can see that just wasn't the case for me.

Good luck, go with your instincts, and do what's best for you.

[CantExplain]

Speaking as an Aspergic, I find it takes years to form a good relationship. (I'm feeling very Aspergic at the moment. I hope it will pass.) My emotional life is filled with misreadings and misunderstandings. Starting from scratch with a new T means learning to read a new face and a new voice, and that's tough.

Unless the new T were much better or much more in tune with me (and how would I know that?), I'd stick with the one I've got.

You'd think that I would have learned something about therapeutic relationships that I could take with me, but my recent experience at the group suggests that new relationships are always going to be a challenge for me.

[Sannah]

Would you be changing to avoid intimacy?

I couldn't even contemplate switching T. Even if she wasn't so great, I'd still hate to start 'at the beginning' with a new T - I think that would be the biggest 'con' for me, hypothetically.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for your replies.

Wheeler: I am constantly worried that my T will dump me - this week we talked about some images that I have in my head at times and T let me talk for a while and then asked how I felt talking about it and I said I felt nothing - T then said we should come away from it and focus on something else - T said maybe the concern wasn't about me but about his stuff. So now I wonder whether my stuff is too much for him and I am worried that he is seeing me purely because it may not be ethical for him to dump me at the moment - but in fact that would be his prefence.

Cantexplain: I think that is it for me - the thought of having to start again with a new person is daunting and how would I know I would not get to this place again. I do feel more trusting of my T, but there is something there that always gets in the way.

Sannah: I have difficulty understanding what intimacy is, my T has talked about intimacy in the past, but for me it just equates to sex. From what T explained, I am assuming that is not what you mean here - but rather just feeling close? And yes that does scare me, but probably because of exactly my skewed view of intimacy - physically I trust my T totally, but my mind mixes things up and I feel I need to keep my distance. I will think about this some more though, so thank-you for this thought.

Just Some Girl: Yes I think this would be the biggest con for me, but the confident bit of me, says it would be fine and a great way to test whether I have made progress with my T. But then if I have made progress, what would be the point of changing and if I haven't made progress how do I know that is down to T or me.

I wonder whether at some point if the relationship really isn't working with T, I will absolutely know it and not be in this place of deliberation.

Thanks for your views - Soup

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

however what if, instead it is because my T isn't the best T for me and how would I know that - this is the only T I have ever had and for all I know could be the very best or one of the worse, as I have nothing to compare it against how would I know?

I think that's a great question because how can you know? I think one sign it is a great match would be if you just felt it was right without the doubting. I'm not saying that if you don't feel that, you should switch, but if it is a super good fit, I think you know, even if you have no comparators.

My current T is my second T and we are a great match. My relationship with my first T was nothing like this, but I wasn't dissatisfied with the relationship. See, I didn't know that you could even have a relationship with a therapist. I thought I would just go to her and maybe she could help me climb out of the pit. I saw her off and on for 9 months, realized she couldn't help me further, so I ended therapy. I didn't intend to find another T but just stop therapy altogether, since I figured a therapist could not help with my problem. I accidentally started seeing my current T because someone I know insisted I visit him. It was completely different with him right from the start. I knew after meeting him that this man could help me. And we got along stupendously. There is no comparison to the first T. This is therapy. I don't know what I was doing with the first T.

If I hadn't seen a second T, I would never have known that the first was so deficient. I don't want to trash her, as she was a nice lady, but just not skilled and nothing between us. I didn't know how important the latter could be in facilitating progress in therapy.

I think a sign of a good fit with a therapist is if you make progress. Are you making progress in therapy, SoupDragon? Is your T helping you?

[ECHOES]

What comes to mind when you think your T might not be the best T for you?

What comes to mind when you think of having a new T - how might that be different?

Is there something you want from your T or that you want to have happen in therapy that isn't there now? Perhaps it is a desire for more depth, for a closer relationship with your T. Perhaps you are sitting very still and not rocking the boat, giving T what you think T wants to hear, pleasing T, and wishing for something more authentic from yourself. Perhaps you are nearing 'dangerous' waters and want to avoid that. Perhaps you wish for more direction, or more of something else, or less of something. Perhaps you are feeling bored in your therapy; that happens sometimes and is important to talk about too.

I have had many times of wondering if my T is what I need, or what I want. Most of those times there was something deeper at work. Often the fear of intimacy. Questioning if T was the right T for me was a way to diminish her and make her someone I needed to get away from.

Or, sometimes there is nothing more frightening that a relationship that is working well. Good grief, how can this be? There must be something wrong here. Or there must be something horrible coming: this can't last. If this can't last, then I'd better start making plans for what happens when it all falls apart.

Those are some things from my experiences. There is much to think about when these kinds of thoughts emerge.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am constantly worried that my T will dump me -

this week we talked about some images that I have in my head at times and T let me talk for a while and then asked how I felt talking about it and I said I felt nothing - T then said we should come away from it and focus on something else -

T said maybe the concern wasn't about me but about his stuff.

I wonder if he wanted to shift to another topic because you weren't connecting with that topic emotionally??

I don't understand his statement about his stuff?

Can you ask him about this and what he meant? Telling him that you are worried that he will dump you would be good to tell him too to get that out there. Also, telling him your thoughts about your stuff being too much. It would be good to check out your assumptions.

Yeah, I was talking about letting people get close to you, not about sex.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I wonder if he wanted to shift to another topic because you weren't connecting with that topic emotionally??

I don't understand his statement about his stuff?

Can you ask him about this and what he meant? Telling him that you are worried that he will dump you would be good to tell him too to get that out there. Also, telling him your thoughts about your stuff being too much. It would be good to check out your assumptions.

Yeah, I was talking about letting people get close to you, not about sex.

Thanks Sannah - this is very helpful for me right now. On an intellectual level I knew you were talking about closeness, but somewhere in me there is a switch that equates initmacy with something else. I don't really understand what intiimacy is I guess.

I think I am scared about checking out my assumptions with T, strangely sitting here, I have images of doing that and see T either getting angry or hurt...hmmm wonder if I could be brave enough to tell him that

[Sannah]

I think I remember you checking assumptions with him before and it was a really good session?

Being able to check assumptions with someone is a required skill so at least stay with your T until you have mastered that one!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think I remember you checking assumptions with him before and it was a really good session?

Being able to check assumptions with someone is a required skill so at least stay with your T until you have mastered that one!

Thank-you Sannah - I feel in a much better space right now partly due to taking a Beta Blocker, but also a group mindfulness session I have just returned from. My head is no longer spinning, it is clearer and more logical and T doesn't seem such an ogre - I wish I could take more risks with T, I think that would even "kill" or cure the deliberation. How am I to find out about us as a fit if I don't test it a little?

Yes maybe I will set myself a goal as checking things out with him more, asking him more questions when I don't understand what he is saying / doing.

Phew!! It is so good to feel calmer again.

[mcl6136]

the very act of changing has been empowering for me. Essential, in fact.

why couldn't you quit for now, make a change and if it doesn't work, go back?

You're at a crossroads and have been for a while....some new energy might help!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I feel in a much better space right now partly due to taking a Beta Blocker, but also a group mindfulness session I have just returned from. My head is no longer spinning, it is clearer and more logical and T doesn't seem such an ogre -

I wish I could take more risks with T, I think that would even "kill" or cure the deliberation. How am I to find out about us as a fit if I don't test it a little?

Yes maybe I will set myself a goal as checking things out with him more, asking him more questions when I don't understand what he is saying / doing.

Phew!! It is so good to feel calmer again.

Yes!!.....