[zooropa]

I saw dbtT today. It was...not a good session. At all. It wasn't horrible, but there was no connection. T got up twice to check on her puppy in the next room that was crying, loudly, the entire time.

I did basically none of the talking, until the very end when she asked me, in complete seriousness, how I wanted to spend my last 4 minutes. I just cried.

I wish I hadn't gone back, because when I saw her last week it was good and I said almost everything I needed to say. It would have been a good ending.

I do have 2 more sessions scheduled this month, but I'm not sure I'll keep going. It just hurts, doesn't help, at this point. I thought we were going to do some closure-type stuff, but it doesn't look that way.

I called her this afternoon and left a message. I told her I want her to know how grateful I am to her. I thanked her for all the times she's been there for me, all the things she's taught me, all the crap she's put up with from me. I told her I know I was difficult, that I pushed her limits and her buttons and probably triggered her at times, and I thanked her for bearing with me through that, and for supporting me through so many hard things, and that I'm sorry it had to end this way, but it is what it is.

I reminded her of the first conversation we had after my last suicide attempt, how I called her from my bed in the ICU and she said, over and over, "I'm so glad you're alive." I told her I've thought of that probably every day since then, and that it was the first time in my life that I ever heard those words, and I wanted her to know how powerful that was. I thanked her for that, too.

I ended by saying that what I want her to take away from our relationship is the knowledge that she did a good thing, that she helped me so much, and that I am and will always be grateful.

It was sad and I cried, but it felt ok. I had a moment, after I hung up, where I felt myself coming apart. I wanted to call someone, to reach out to someone and say "tell me I'm going to be ok, tell me I AM ok" and then I just took a breath and told myself, over and over "I'm ok. It's ok to be sad. I'm ok."

And I am. I am sad, and I am okay.

[Lauru]

Sending you lots of

Thank you for this post, it means a lot to me. And it helped me

[ECHOES]

Oh, zoo, that sounds so hard and painful. Gentle hugs for you

[rainbow8]

I'm wondering: what did she talk about for the whole session that she felt was so necessary? It sounds like the message you left was what you would have liked to say to her in the session. I'm glad you're okay even though you're sad. Why does she have her puppy with her at work?
Maybe you have your closure now and not going back is best. How is it going with the new T?

[zooropa]

I don't know what she talked about, I'm sorry to say. I really don't. We started doing a chain analysis (her idea) but I couldn't think of anything to do one on and I told her it's hard for me to go back and do one on something that happened in the past b/c I forget so quickly what my thoughts and feelings were, which is what the chain analysis is all about.

I don't know what's up with the puppy, it's never been there before when I've been there. She didn't apologize for the noise or for getting up or anything. I asked her "is that a...puppy?" and she just looked at me like DUH.

things are ok with the new T. It's hard b/c it's doesn't feel like MY T yet and it just mostly makes me really sad to be there, but I have hope that it'll get easier.

[roads]

It's okay to be sad.
You're sad, and yet you're okay.
Two insights. Very painful progress for you, but progress.
Consider that maybe you're ready to move on completely to the new T.
Maybe you've already finished up with dbtT, & everything now is repeating that pain.
((*zoo*))

Roadrunner

[karebear1]

Your emotions and reactions sound perfectly normal to me Zoo. Maybe all that's left to do is tell her how you feel about her and be done with it?? Will she let you do that?

[zooropa]

wow, I spiraled out pretty bad in the past couple of hours. Thinking about that last sui attempt kind of got the subject stuck in my brain, and with that and all the unresolved feelings about dbtT...I just spun out. I actually went and talked to a counselor at the crisis center, and it helped.

I think I hear my wise mind telling me, screaming at me, to see how dysregulated I get when I interact with dbtT. I have been forcing myself to do it, to finish things the way we agreed to, because it's what I am "supposed" to do, and mostly because I don't trust myself, don't trust my own wise mind.

But, really. I didn't see her for 2 weeks and I was feeling better. I see her for an hour and spend the evening in compete emotion misery. It's not running away if I don't put myself there anymore, it's protecting myself and my hurt, vulnerable parts. It is OKAY to do what feels good, if it's not destructive.

I need to just let her go, let go of the idea of holding onto her in some small way, just let it all go and move on.

[crazycanbegood]

Your original post really touched me. You had such a beautiful relationship with your T. Unfortunately, the end of your relationship with T has been rocky, to say the least. I still say, focus on the positive as you did in the original post, what you have learned and what you have experienced. I am sure that your T will continue to hold a positive image of you despite whatever happened, and I know you can too. I mean, you can hold onto the positive experience you had and still move on to a new point in your life. You can have these warm memories that touch you and you can remember that even though you no longer see dbtT, she is still very much glad you're alive and wishes you well.

[rainbow_rose]

i know it's so hard, zooropa, but you are working through this so amazingly well. grieving is hard... harder when having contact with your DbtT. i resist the urge to offer advice 'cause only you know what you want/need to do. Listen to that wise mind, no matter how quietly it may speak to you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I wish I hadn't gone back, because when I saw her last week it was good and I said almost everything I needed to say. It would have been a good ending.

I do have 2 more sessions scheduled this month, but I'm not sure I'll keep going. It just hurts, doesn't help, at this point. I thought we were going to do some closure-type stuff, but it doesn't look that way.

Been there.

My experience is there is no way you can reach closure in two weeks, or four weeks, or indeed to any timetable.

My advice to everyone is never pass up a chance to say, "I love you", "Thank you", "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you", if that's how you really feel. That applies in therapy and beyond.

Life is uncertain and suddenly you've got week, day, an hour to say good bye - and it won't be enough.

Love to all!

PS: Zoo, have you told your therapist you want closure? It might help.

You: I know we haven't finished our work on (whatever it was), but what matters to me now is closure. Endings have always been difficult for me and that's what I need to talk about.

(((((Zoo))))))

You are doing a beautiful job of allowing the and/both to be there. I'm sad and I'm okay. T helped me and seeing her now hurts too much. That is where the truth is...in the gray area in the middle.

Thinking of you and sending love

[mixedup_emotions]

((( zoo )))

Such a painful place to be...but your awareness is a gift. Recognizing the pain and knowing you are ok is priceless....as much as it still hurts a lot.

(( HUGS ))

[zooropa]

I told dbtT today that I wasn't happy with how things went yesterday, and that I have unresolved feelings about what has happened between us that I need closure on.

She replied that sometimes closure can take 4 sessions but "in this case one should be enough". WHAT. What???

I wrote back and said "I'm fully, painfully aware that you want me out of your life as soon as possible. You don't actually have to keep hitting me in the gut with it."

That was emotion mind on my part, and if I had taken more time I probably would not have replied, but jeeeeez.

I went for a walk tonight and it occurred to me that maybe I'm approaching this wrong. Maybe I need to attempt to resolve those feelings by talking about them with my new T, and just be done seeing dbtT. I don't see how I can really significantly heal when the wounds keep getting ripped open.

[roads]

Originally Posted by zooropa

Maybe I need to attempt to resolve those feelings by talking about them with my new T, and just be done seeing dbtT. I don't see how I can really significantly heal when the wounds keep getting ripped open.

Consider eliminating that first word, "Maybe". Let the wounds heal.

Roadrunner

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I told dbtT today that I wasn't happy with how things went yesterday, and that I have unresolved feelings about what has happened between us that I need closure on.

She replied that sometimes closure can take 4 sessions but "in this case one should be enough". WHAT. What???

I wrote back and said "I'm fully, painfully aware that you want me out of your life as soon as possible. You don't actually have to keep hitting me in the gut with it."

Ouch! I wish I could be that honest!

[crazycanbegood]

DbtT has proven inconsistent, emotional, unprofessional, incompetent, and indifferent at times certainly. But that statement seems uncharacteristic for her, unless I missed some details towards the end. Did you tell her first that you thought you didn't want to see her again?

In any case, you may be onto something about sharing your feelings with newT. I am glad newT is there for you.

[zooropa]

No, I didn't tell her I didn't want to see her again. I was still hanging onto the idea that I could finish with some sense of resolution or closure. I told her that, and she said she thinks closure will only take one session.

I am so relieved to have not heard from her since my last text. There is nothing, nothing at all, that she could say now that would help, and every time I interact with her I become completely dysregulated. I need some space, and she's giving me buckets full of it. It feels good.

At this point I don't think I will see her again, but I also know myself well enough to know that how I feel now may not be how I will feel a week from now, so I'm not making a final decision now. Or at all. I don't think I have to make a "final decision" at all, I will just do what feels right.