In some areas of my life I do this, it masks the anxiety of rejection. To be honest I never asigned that defect to myself until recently. To me I have to be the one that fills any uncomfortable gaps because...... Well IKm not sure really and often end up saying things I don't really feel or believe. I've begun to talk to T about this and wondered what not being a people pleaser would be like, feel like, look like, to be fair the thought of not trying to be so feels me with more anxiety, I hear my mothers critical voice in my head even as I think about this, feeling like its my job to listen to everyone, to be the solver, to be that perfect listening ear when at times I quite honest couldn't careless, which is proberbly normal but was made into a crime growing up. What about others? What's your take on people pleasing?

Yep. Right there with you. I fight the urge to "suck up" to people as my mom would call it.

I did the opposite for many years-- being super blunt, obnoxious, loud, irreverent-- but it was for the same purpose of being anxious about being rejected. But if I could get people to reject me over something specific that I was deliberately engaging in (my own behavior), then *I* wasn't being rejected. It's just really the opposite on the pendulum swing from sucking up, but it has the same effect.

For me, finding my authentic self involved being less reactive and more reflective, which tended to make me more soft spoken, to listen more and talk less, to have a much better "filter." I wonder if focusing on your ability to be reflective (to be able to see yourself as you are engaging in people pleasing) and less reflective (automatically defaulting to this behavior) might be one way to begin to talk this.

Anne

[Dr.Muffin]

i am a people displeaser! and i often urge my friends and family and even my clients to try it out. i can't even describe the freedom that a person can feel when they harness the power of "NO."

i think it makes me more trustworthy and it makes my helpful gestures more meaningful. the people closest to me understand that if i am doing something with or for them, it's because i WANT to....whether its because the task or activity is something that i want to do, or because i want to be there for the person in that moment, they know that i wouldnt be there otherwise.

i've got a few friends who are people pleasers and i can tell you it is EXHAUSTING! i never want to ask them for anything or to do anything with me because, frankly, i know they'll say yes regardless of whether or not they want to. and i have no interest in being around people who do not wish to be around me. with these friends i always preface things with "please feel free to say no!" and then i end with the same phrase....

Anne, yes I'm similar to you. This wkend I made myself sit back and allow a certain situation unravel on its own, it was hard! My chest hurt at first but the results were much better.

Muffin, I have no problem saying no that's why I didn't assoicate people pleasing with me, but the having to sit and look as if what the person is saying si the most important thing I've ever heard is more how it plays out for me. I'm afraid to let myself be disinterested. I guess because that's the relationship I grew up with.

[pbutton]

Interesting earthmamma. I do something very similar and I'm just starting to realize that myself.

[mcl6136]

I've even made a career out of people pleasing. And then, I switched careers into something where I confronted people in power. Then, I switched back and now I'm paid to suck up to people for their money (no, it's not quite that graphic, mostly more symbolic).

This is my way of processing my funky childhood and early experiences in our culture which, especially for women, sometimes rewards disregard for self in favor of pleasing and caring for others. (sorry to get political here, but that's what I got).

Some day, I will have completed these development tasks.....I will be done, and I will be unconcerned about who I please or displease. And I'll no longer be posting on pc and I will be perfect.... in heaven. Kidding! Until then, I sure hear you....loud and clear.

thank god I am not the only one.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

the thought of not trying to be so feels me with more anxiety

I think that is the crux of being a people pleaser; it's not really about pleasing, it is about keeping our anxiety at bay, it's fear of the mother's (or others') expressing of anger and withholding of "love" from us, if they don't like us, they might abandon us.

The only way I have found to change that is to focus on myself. When I am feeling centered in myself, know who I am and what I want and am working on my issues, other people's attitudes toward me, especially former care-takers, are not as important. I know I can care for myself, I know when I have difficulties, how to ask someone for help, etc. Other people's expression of anger is an attempt at communication with me, not a threat to me and my safety. I cannot be abandoned because I'm with me and I do not have relationships with people who are going to/can abandon me.

[stopdog]

I am not into pleasing others at all nor actively trying to displease them- I am more detached/try to stay away from others. Sort of the get out of the way sort from "lead, follow, or get out of the way" phrase.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am not into pleasing others at all nor actively trying to displease them- I am more detached/try to stay away from others. Sort of the get out of the way sort from "lead, follow, or get out of the way" phrase.

I envy you!

I always gotta be in the mix and have made a (fairly lucrative) career of doing so. But some days, I want to hide under my covers!

by the way...I cannot lead and will not follow! Now that's neurotic!

I think its an unconsious need to please. Its almost a survival thing. Thata why its taken me so long to see this properply, of late I've become aware of myself doing it, but the need to repeat this behaviour still lives. Hopefully awareness is the first step!

Ps, I'm not so much a people pleaser that I need to use the "hug" button

[mcl6136]

What's the hug button???

Next to the thnx button? Don't tell me its been removed!! My life is over!!! LoL

[Sannah]

Yes, awareness is the first step emamma and I think that you will work through this just fine. I'll bet there is some fear in there that kept you repeating this behavior all of these years.

I remember when I realized that I gave, gave, gave to narcissists. Once I realized it, it never occurred again.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Perna

Other people's expression of anger is an attempt at communication with me, not a threat to me and my safety.

This stopped me cold! Anger from the parent usually means stop doing that right now or else pain - that is what is being "communicated". But you're right, we're not children anymore. Anger does not have to be scary, does not have to carry a threat. It can just tell, convey a feeling. This is so beautiful. Thanks, Perna.

My first therapist really helped me with this issue where men were concerned. He made being angry at him completely acceptable and never seemed like he wanted anything from me. Hell, he didn't even seem to really expect or need me to feel better. He told me up front that therapy was going to make me feel worse. LOL! He never let me use people pleasing skills or sex to try to get him to like me (he was gay, so the whole sex thing to manipulate or get him to like me was out the door from the beginning).

I still had (and sometimes HAVE) issues relating to women, but therapy really gave me a "corrective emotional experience" with relating to men.

Its not other peoples anger that scares me, I'm not sure exactly what it is, its a scene in my head without words that pkays like a silent movie just out of consious awareness. I try to tap into it but it crackles and I loose the signal. I'm sure once I get it tuned in better I will be free from the chains that bind me.
So much of this crap is just below consious awareness.

[unaluna]

EM, that's because we're like pavlov's dog, we don't see the bowl of food anymore, they don't even have to RING the bell; they just make a slight motion with their hand like they're going to REACH for the bell, and we salivate. Maybe it's not anger that was your trigger specifically, that's just a little side trip I took. I was so buzzed when I saw this thread, it's like what I wrote about yesterday, I think to learning1, about not wanting the burden of cheering up my T or my mom or anybody every again! It feels like a burden has been lifted. That static is going, if not gone. I had told a friend who is a T that I would "return home" when I knew what to say to my family. Now I understand a little better why I DON'T know what to say right now - when you were always expected just to please them, what do you say when you stop? I can't wait to see T this afternoon.

"When you were always expected just to please them, what do you say when you stop"

That hit home! Thnx

[CantExplain]

I never thought of myself as a people-pleaser. (In fact I thought I was rude and selfish.) But in some contexts, a people-pleaser is what I am.