Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Switch · Feb 09, 2012, 04:16 PM

T,

YOUR FOCUSING ON THE WRONG THINGS!!!

I know I have the weird and abnormal side of mental health in me, and I know it's really interesting, and yeah I want to know more about why it's in me too, BUT ITS NOT WHATS HURTING MY LIFE!!!

I tried to tell you, and I think you got it, but I don't think you know how to step away from the fascinating.

I will work on this with you, I won't say no. I'm curious too. But can we focus on getting me out of the house, and getting my assignments in on time first? I want to be able to back to work, and pass this school year. I want to look forward, and you're insisting I explore my past.

I've lived without those 6 months for this long, I can live without them a bit longer. Let me get stable, then we can break open the walls in my memory.

Switch.

lostmyway21 · Feb 09, 2012, 05:04 PM

Dear T,

There is something I just realized you said in session. You mentioned that you couldn't physically protect me from someone. I never implied anything like that, but now I am slowly realizing how intuitive you really are. I do want to FEEL protected by you. Not physically, but I want you to take that role. Wow. I'm impressed.

JustWannaDisappear · Feb 09, 2012, 05:07 PM

Dear T,
I hate the front I put on when I see you.

I hate being in therapy but I'm too scared to quit.

I hate working on self esteem issues because I KNOW where they come from and I feel horrible talking about it, I don't want to talk bad about those who love me even if they did hurt me.

I'm scared I feel like I've ruined my children with my mental issues.

I really want to get up punch something, scream and swear then walk out so you will understand how pissed off I am- at EVERYTHING.

likelife · Feb 09, 2012, 05:27 PM

Dear T,

I'm a little surprised I've been able to avoid emailing you for the past three days. I can't tell you how much it hurt to receive such a canned response to my last email. I wish you didn't mean so much to me. I wish I could get you out of my head.

vanessaG · Feb 09, 2012, 05:29 PM

I HaTE this!!!!! I feel so loving towards you sometimes & other times I absolutley HATe HATe you (like today!)

Idk I you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or what but today's session SUCKED.
There's a reason I asked to come in today instead of tomm....cuz I can't wait!

Sorry that your going thru crap in your personal life...don't take it out on me!! I was merely making a suggestion to maybe help your situation & you snapping at me was like whoa. Then you telling me 'oh your pissed off now??"

Love how u tell me u were depressed sat too laying on couch all day & I said good thing I didn't email u! & you say 'yeah! Cause I wouldn't have replied!'

I just wanna wave my middle finger and be like efffff yoooouuuuu therapist! Go shove it!!!

precious things · Feb 09, 2012, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Towanda

I'm embarrassed and feel foolish. I've been acting like a regressed, needy 10 yo seeking approval from her father where you're concerned and that's wrong. I'm an adult, and acting and feeling like a needy child is wrong. I need to keep my emotions in check, especially where you're concerned. Our relationship has been the center of my life and thoughts for the past several weeks, and that's not good. I've been depending on that relationship too much. I've given you too much power over my life. The kind of need I've been feeling, and the vulnerability I've been showing in session is for children. And I'm not a child - well, I can act and feel like one occasionally. I can heal her. I don't need to keep embarrassing myself and you. The self disclosure, total honesty, total vulnerability b-lls-it is for children. Adults need to self monitor and not blurt out every babbling thought and feeling that pops into their heads the way I have been.

I've got to stop depending on a T to meet my needs,, or to be there for me like a father. When I do that, unanswered email (like last week) from you translates into rejection from my dad. It hurts to need someone that much - you can be hurt too easily, as you're only human (one of you, 40 clients). I'm a grown woman, not a little girl, seeking her father's approval. I have to meet my own emotional needs, my own needs for approval through what I do everyday, and through my relationship with the important people in my life.

I need to grow up and keep my feelings in check. I've become, in therapy and with you, too needy, too emotional, too childish - I've let myself regress and let the wounded girl emerge. The teddy bear and the wounded child need to stay in the closet where they belong. I can't risk letting these new memories emerge - I'm done with therapy. I'm tired - I can't deal with you anymore.

I can relate to this.....

lostmyway21 · Feb 09, 2012, 08:27 PM

Dear T,

I have the urge to SI right now.

franki_j · Feb 09, 2012, 08:41 PM

Dear T,
I hate that I only have 45 minutes a week with you and 3/4 of the time I spend talking about all the drama that is going on with my present day life, which I do need to talk about, and then the other 1/4 of the time when we talk about things with my family or my past I just sit there not talking. It feels like we will never get anywhere going like this, because there is just so much to talk about, but I always seem to forget or lose the words or chicken out when my session comes.
I want to tell you that even though I told you I wanted to quit therapy if we continued talking about my family, I actually do want to talk about them, but it is so hard for me to do that. When you bring up things like "abuse" and "post-traumatic symptoms" I freak out because I don't feel that way and never have until I came to therapy and then started thinking about certain things and it freaks me out and I don't know if I am misleading you or you are exagerating and I just get so confused.
I want to tell you that I think about you all the time and that you are such an important person in my life. I think that you are a beautiful person. I do. I know that that sounds cheesy or whatever, but to me, you are.

precious things · Feb 09, 2012, 08:42 PM

dear t,

No matter how cool or indifferent I may act, therapy is the only place I feel safe. It means more to me than I can show.

Screenager · Feb 09, 2012, 09:00 PM

I'm glad your reply is positive, but I'm still disappointed. It doesn't seem fair that I write several paragraphs and you only reply with a few lines and the promise to talk about things on Monday. I know you were probably busy, but I kind of expected more...

Feb 09, 2012, 10:06 PM

Dear T,

I am sorry that I was so rude to you yesterday. I keep telling you that when you push me on some things, "ugly" will come out and she is not nice! You know that I don't mean those things about you. Don't you?

Squiggle

karebear1 · Feb 09, 2012, 11:50 PM

Dear T-

I have an appointment with you tomorrow and I'm not sure I want to go. This week was a very hard one and after what happened on Monday, I couldn't stop myself- I SI'd. If I go tomorrow, i should say someting, but I don't want to. I don't want you to know how hurt I was this week.

nicoleb2 · Feb 09, 2012, 11:54 PM

Dear t,

I am a stupid lost cause. You should probably give up now.

Feb 10, 2012, 12:31 AM

Dear T,

I have tried to remind myself of all the reasons I should stay, but it's easier to remember all of the reasons I should leave.

likewater · Feb 10, 2012, 12:37 AM

Dear T ,
You want to know everything and then you are gone the rest of the week. You stir up this nest of snakes with emdr then leave me to battle them. Then you graduate and are gone for good in April. Seriously, how am i supposed to be ok?

Feb 10, 2012, 01:26 AM

Dear T,

You're always telling me how I need to open up & let my guard down, but once I start to do so you make me regret it every time. Yesterday I told you that I'm back feeling & having thoughts of dying & you replied why are you telling me, what do you want me to do about it. How could you be so insensitive? I didn't want you to do anything...I was just expressing myself.

You also made me feel bad about the situation between me & that girl at school. You made it seem like I had no right to be upset & that I was causing my own turmoil. You really make me want to shut down & I think I will let you know that I don't want to waste your time any longer. Isn't that what you think anyway? That I'm just wasting you're time? If not, you sure make me feel that way.

I feel bad because I had to lie to you. You asked had I SI'ed & I told you no, when in fact I had done so. You scared me when you said if I told you I would harm myself you would have to take me to the hospital so I thought that if I told you that I'd cut you would take me to the hospital or call my sis...so I decided against it.

Why do you make it so hard to be open with you? It's like you don't understand & a part of me feels like you just want to see things your way. I really like you & look forward to seeing you, but I'm not so sure that you're helping me.

*sigh*

Chris

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 10, 2012, 07:04 AM

Dear T,

I don't have the courage to ask you but if I even thought you were reading PC and knew who I am, I think I'd
for me this would be a real violation.
If you are, could you come clean about it?

Chopin99 · Feb 10, 2012, 09:58 AM

Dear T,

If I could talk to you today, I would tell you this. I am amazed sometimes of the depth of your love for me. After talking yesterday, I realize how much we really do have in common and how much we actually like each other. Two months ago, I wanted a friendship with you. I know you wanted that too, but you took time to consider all the ramifications it would have on me and my healing and chose to tell me no. I think back on your actions during the rupture session and I realize how uncomfortable you were...you were hurting too. Despite all that, you are willing to put your own wants aside to do what is best for me. That is something my mother could never do. You are helping me heal and that will mean so much more to me long-term than any friendship.

Despite the fact you are forgetful, despite the fact you are not intellectual, despite the fact that you lose your train of thought, and despite the fact you make mistakes, you are very good at what you do. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Love,
Chopin

Screenager · Feb 10, 2012, 01:44 PM

I want to ask you for a hug, but I don't dare to. I'm scared and lonely and embarrassed.......but I need you.

confuseduk · Feb 10, 2012, 02:08 PM

Dear T, you read to me, you sat close to me, it was nice. Is it wrong that I really wanted to rest my head on your shoulder and join in? Don't fret, I wouldn't do that. Thank you

nicoleb2 · Feb 10, 2012, 02:38 PM

Dear T,

I texted you to let you know about the cutting on wednesday, and that I am really struggling. I don't know what would be better, for you to respond, or not to.
I guess it all depends on how you respond.
Please, please don't give up on me. I already have and if you do, I will know I am a lost cause and that would be bad.

Feb 10, 2012, 05:28 PM

Dear T,

I don't think I will be needing your services anymore. I am tired of trying to think of stuff to talk about. Sometimes our sessions are boring and I feel like I wasted my time and money. How in the world can you see those kinds of sessions as being productive? Do you say this just so I don't feel so stupid that I came that day?

Squiggle

Towanda · Feb 10, 2012, 07:28 PM

Dear T,

You will never know how much it meant to the scared, needy little girl that has been showing up so much lately that you told me today that you cared about me, and that you respected me. I felt like a huge wound that has been in my heart forever has been healed.

No wonder I think so highly of you! Thank you for always doing your best to never let me down.

TheaJA · Feb 10, 2012, 07:51 PM

Dear T,

stop wearing those sunglasses inside so I can see your gorgeous eyes

and i dont dare tell you of my relapse, i dont want to seem weak.

greengrasshopper · Feb 11, 2012, 01:56 AM

I'm not sure I can do this. I'm trying.

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Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

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