Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

will I ever be able to trust you? To be able to tell you what's really going on for me instead of a few vague lines that don't really help either of us? I'm so scared of you sometimes. I start to tell you things but it's like alarm bells go off and I realise what I'm doing and catch myself. I must be really frustrating and I'm so sorry

Dear T,

That email I sent this morning admitting I was having transference, can we pretend I didn't send it? I'm so embarrassed.

I had to cancel for next week to make sure I am not attached. When I cancel and do not have a reaction to it, I feel better.

i am not sure if i agree with everything you said yesterday but i want to agree. agreeing would make me feel better. i am so glad you're on my life, T!

Dear T

I hate you!
Why did you have to leave me!
Why did you abandon me and make me fight by myself!
I wish you knew that I don't have the strength, I wish you would help me to get on the right path again. I wish you knew how much you hurt me and how much I really miss seeing you.

I wish you knew the amount of tears I have shed because of you and the hurt that I have felt.

I am so sorry you were abandoned and are hurting, I can't even imagine the pain.

Dear T,
I wish i could see you more than 45 minutes a week, we would start to get somewhere then. I hate it when you turn up 5 minutes late then end 10 minutes before time, it forces me to find something to talk about and that for me is dangerous.
I'm terrified when this ends, it's going to hurt so much, i'm not in love with you but i'm in love with what you let me feel and say and i'll miss that so much.
I'm never going to be ok, but were on the right track.
I'm sorry for the emails i sent you but everyone i sent in my world was a emergency.
You're going away for 2 weeks soon and i'm going to really really miss you. I don't know how to cope for 2 weeks.
I look forward to our sessions but in the morning i get so anxious and panicky, so silly.

Dear T,

The end of a session with you feels like the jarring breaking of a spell. As if there is something magic about those chairs we sit in that makes intimacy and connection possible. It seems so human while we sit there.

Then, we get up, the spell breaks, and I can no longer give you eye contact, humiliated by what I've just revealed to a "service provider." You very pointedly do not touch me as you hand me the appointment card or as we walk to the door. You give me some impersonal send off phrase like, "Take care," which I hear as, "Good luck with that crap." And off I go trying to pretend the interaction was not bizarre.

I do not know what this is.

Every patient has transference (though Stopdog and Ygrec might disagree), and T is not going to hold it against you.

I don't disagree -i think there is transference all over, not just in therapy. I just dislike it in therapy. Attachment on the other hand, is the thing I think does not have to happen.

Thanks it was just really awkward to admit those feelings to him, and the fact he hasn't responded has got me really worried. Even though I know in reality I shouldn't be.

Wow..I know I just joined, but I think this is already my favorite thread. What I would say to her..

____, would you please STOP caring so much? When I tell you I can't come in for 3 weeks, I am trying to push you away-I don't want you to say "okay, but let's schedule a phone chat, next week?" I don't want you to know that I need that. I don't want you to keep offering to come to court with me..I don't want you to keep e-mailing or saying the exact thing I need to hear. I love it..I love how easily I can relate to you, and I love when you say how much you are like me, and when you say "you really picked a therapist just like you"..and show me who you really are. I love it and I hate it, because I don't want to need it. I told you need is the worst 4-letter word, why don't you believe me?

Dear t,

I am really anxious about my appointment on Monday because I si'd again. I thought since i told you already, it would make it easier to go in and tell you, but I don't think it's going to be

Dear T,
I made a bad choice- one you warned me would be a bad choice. I did it anyways, and now I don't know if I am supposed to tell you or just leave it a lone. I don' know if you will ask me about it at our next appointment, I don't know if I will admit it to you, and I don't know how you will react if I tell you the truth. I don't know what to do anymore actually. One mintute I am good, and think I can handle all of this.. I have plans in place.. The next, I am down in the dumps, anxious about everything, and really hating my life. Please, please don't give up on me. I am afraid you will.

Dear T,

I am really struggling with missing my first Monday appt with you EVER, because you are away. I miss you. Please email me back, or FaceTime me so I don't have a total breakdown.

T...
I need totell uhow scared i am right now...T..ur probably somewhere else..sleeping..having coffee just having a normalday..while this freak.Me the freak is thinking about u wishing Iwas safe...I wish.. I wish I wish ..I feel like Go dis gonna punish me for wishing so much...
Im so sad T...Im so alone ....Im too scared to tell u everything I feel like ill keep secrets forever

T,
I'm sorry. I really tried... I wanted it to happen so badly...but I can't do it...I don't know how... It's like swimming lessons all over again. Yes I could learn to swim but first I have to let my feet off the bottom of the pool....

I'm sorry there is too many fears of emotions and too many control issues for me to let you help me. I'm too tired of banging my head against the brick wall. I sent the "I quit" email and I know you won't email back. But our last session was our LAST session.

Thanks for everything.

So I know I am supposed to tell you when I feel like this, so you can stop me, help me. But I can't. Cause I really want to be left alone this time. I know the date, the time, and the place. I don't know yet if I am going to let you know. In case I don't tell you, know that I love you and always have and always will.

Lauru- What you just wrote sounds so scary. Please, PLEASE know that there are lots of people that care about you- including your T and us here at PC.

Hang in there Lauru. Please let us know what's happening.

Dear T,

I want to tell you what I have done, but I can't. You may not want me to ever come back. It might really upset you to know that I know where you live. I had to know. It was driving me nuts not knowing.

Squiggle

Dear T,

When I sent you a email at 5am teling you how upset I am that I dont have a session tomorrow and felt alone. The LAST thing I was expecting was to look down at my phone two minutes later at a response. Thanks you for telling me that I'm not alone, and your just an email away.

You'll be on vacation soon, and you know what hurts me the most?
That this time, these three weeks that I'll spend crying, lonely, depressed, alone, longing for your return, will actually be a happy time for you. You'll probably go away with him who shall not be named.

I probably won't be on your mind one single time.
You'll be my only thought.

I can't take this any longer. I don't effing deserve to feel this way.
Somebody or something better take me away from this soon. This is hardly a life anymore.

Dear T,
OK, are you trying to make me crazier than I already am or what?
I send you an email with an issue close to my heart, and apologizing for something I've done that I thought caused you distress - you don't respond.
Next week, I send you a light hearted, funny email, and distinctly tell you I'm in a good place and you DON'T have to respond, and FOUR MINUTES LATER you email back??!!
WTF?? OK I'm confused...was it just a mood or what? Are we playing a new game here? If you are I don't like the rules

You're the best! Thank you for being available to help me, as always.