Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I am 99% sure you will accept what I can pay you but I hope you email back. I don't think it's against the rules if you just say "ok". Otherwise, I know I can wait until Tuesday.

I don't know if I can read what I emailed you that I would say to the preteen part. You're right, though. As usual. I can see that it was more helpful me saying it than you. But I HATE those anatomy words. I don't want to say them. I'll read what I wrote but I'll be sort of disassociating unless you make me be aware of saying them. How can I hate words? It's what they represent. I know we have to do more EMDR about this subject.

I don't know if "you telling me no" is about that subject or about "I'm not important enough to get what I want". I keep thinking of different negative thoughts to go with that trigger but I don't know which one fits. Is it about refusing me, or is it about not talking to me about growing up? I'm getting so confused when I try to figure it out but I need to for the EMDR, don't I?

I know you said you don't judge me, but I wonder if you secretly think what I talked about is disgusting.

Dear T,

I'm still really waffling about whether I want to cancel our Wednesday session. It's been surprisingly nice to get a little distance from you, though I still find myself wishing each day that I'd see your name in my email inbox.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off just walking away. Then maybe this wouldn't hurt so badly. Maybe I wouldn't be caught thinking about you all of the time and wishing that you could provide more to me than you really can.

I'm tired of feeling like a client, even though that's what I obviously am.

Oh T....
I cant I cant I cant .....Im so scared.. I cant function..I have so much work to do and no time no time no time please T please.....I wish u were here to make me feel safe...I feel scared and alone...

I was fine just a minute ago and now Im thrown back into panic...

Dear T,

I so appreciate your responding to my email while you were on vacation and I'm really sorry not only to have sent an email (though you said that I could) but also not to have waited until the mood passed before sending it. You work so, so much - 6 days/wk of clients + teaching and you write me emails as early as 8am and as late as 11pm - and almost never take vacation. You probably needed a complete break from your work. I know you said that I could write, but I just want to thank you again - it's so generous and I promise not to write again until you are back. I actually don't miss you too much (like I did when I was gone for the holiday or your one-week trip in September) - I mean, you're only gone 4 days, 2 of which are over the weekend.

This was a tough week - a really emotional appointment on Tuesday with our signals a little crossed. It was hard to see your frustration w/ me, not that I don't understand it. Thank you for checking in with me that evening. It means so much that you called me before your daily call to your mom on the way home from work. I really felt cared about and loved (and thank you for saying when we talked that you love me). And I'm glad that we could meet for longer on Friday to talk about what was going on for both of us. I didn't realize that my constant fear that you'll leave me was triggering you... and I appreciate your looking inside of you to figure out just what I triggered.

Sending you a big "enjoy your vacation" and "I just can't thank you enough for everything" hugs. I'm going to be OK and we're going to be OK.

Dear T -

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life. A teacher once told me that someday we kids will wake up in middle age and realize in a panic that life is half over. Now that I am there, why do I feel relieved that half of this disaster is behind me?

Things will never be right. T, you will never love me the way I love you. You will always love your kids more than me. My own dad will never really care. I have to watch my "real" dad have a charmed life. My dad lives in luxury among friends with wife #3 while we grew up struggling with little and often no support from him.

T, you will never be able to make things right. You might love me in a way, but is it enough. Will anything ever be enough?

I am going to have to really quit to get you away from me.

you talk. i don't want to.

Dear T,

I will see you in less than 12 hours. I'm not sure I want to. I am afraid of what you'll say about me cutting again. Are you going to give up on me? I feel like I would give up on me, so why wouldn't you?

T,

I forgot we are meeting up tomorrow until just a few minuets ago. Its not that I don't care, but I'm just so tired. I don't want to go, I don't want to be reminded that I'm crazy, and I don't want to talk about how bad my life is. I know it's bad. I know it could be a hell of a lot worse. I don't need a reminder. I just need some coping skills.

Peace,
Switch

Dear T,

I'm working really hard on not needing you, and not making you the focal point of my life, like we discussed.

But right now I really need you. Could you somehow jump in my pocket and ride along in my life with me please??

T,

I think you're the bi polar one sometimes. Sometimes I think I'm just another patient, and others I think you really do care. Thank you for today, it meant a lot.

Maybe I should stop being hard on you.

Switch.

Dear T,
You're usually so quick to reply to my emails to book appointments, and you haven't replied yet. I know you don't work much on Mondays and Tuesdays but at the same time, I would like your reply ...10 minutes ago

Also, you know when I start talking about silly things that really don't require a T to answer, like "how about we talk about my hair colour", I'm about 310% sure I'll be quite insistent that we do that this week. This is a week where you should NOT let me do that. My week will have been "ok" but that doesn't mean it didn't out of this world suck and everything has not fallen apart

Tsol

Dear T -

I'm pretty sure you don't email. In fact, I usually LIKE that you don't email, because if I were a T, I wouldn't email because so much can be misconstrued via emails.

But today, just for today, I need to write to you and you need to tell me how to proceed. I NEED YOUR HELP. I don't want to call your stupid voicemail and have you call me back late tonight - that is not going to work out.

Please read my mind and call me with your email address. That's not a lot to ask, right? I don't want to wait until next week to deal with this!

- winter

Winter, does your T have a website with an email address? Can you call T and ask for a more immediate response?

Every time I ever hoped T (or anyone) could read my mind and respond a certain way, just created more distress for me. Usually, I would end up being very disappointed.

You are in control here. In order for T to help you, you will have to find the courage and ask.

Thanks, lost. I'm about 99% sure my T doesn't email, although I need to get the courage to just call him. Maybe. Thanks for the thought!

I'm kinda mad at you. I know it's irrational, but it feels pretty good.

I feel good/okay/indifferent about the e-mail I sent you an hour ago, but I think that's just because I'm still drunk. I hope I won't regret it tomorrow

I may take some convincing that I shouldn't just put my walls back up. That way I can keep an appropriate distance.

Dear T,

I hate the fact that you hold so much power in our relationship. That sometimes I need you so much my heart hurts. Sometimes I wish I could be a little girl, teddy bear in hand, crawl up in your lap, and let you hold and rock me until I feel safe and loved and no longer so scared and vulnerable.

I'm working so hard lately to not make you the center of my life, but it's been a really difficult couple of days for me. My thoughts keep straying to you and the safety of your office, and your soothing voice and compassionate manner.

Please be patient with me as I struggle to find my independence, it's been a long time coming. And the little girl inside me is still so needy

dear T,

I haven't decided yet to fully confide in you what I see happening for me. I haven't fully decided yet that it will occur. I miss you. And I need to talk to you tomorrow, so I hope you are back in town. I hope all is well with your father, and I am sorry I bothered you this weekend while you were there. Although you were very gracious and called me back. I don't know what to do, and I need your help. I'll try to hold on, for you, not for me.

Dear t,

I really don't understand how you don't give up on me. I would have a long time ago if I were you. Heck, I have given up on me, and you still keep going, keep telling me there is hope, that one day I will look back on this as just a rough patch.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Dear T,

Well I did it again, I sent "him" a card.....But on a good note, at least I didn't call him....

almost 5 years now. I felt comfortable with you at first even though I couldn't talk much.
now I'm past that long long time of being totally falling apart all the time. and now....
how am i supposed to be able to relate to someone who is so accomplished, so sophisticated, someone who made all the right moves in their life? jealously, envy, all that stuff. that makes you the kind of person i would naturally move in the exact opposite direction from. share my little life with you? out loud? so you can pretend to know what that's like? it just isn't feeling very good anymore...

you've started being really harsh. saying what you think straight out. I don't know how I feel about that.

I do know I've made a promise to myself not to call you at all this week.

Dear T, I'm seeing you today - Valentine's day, I'm not sure how I feel about it, I've never had to pay for someone's company on Valentine's before, I feel like some kind of sleaze!

Dear T,

I am really thinking that I no longer need your assistance......