Why can't I shut off that part of my brain? Please go away and stop tormenting me!

Everything is going extreme because you aren't letting it out of your head/resolving it. If you ever want to resolve this you MUST discuss all of this with her and it will shrink back down to its appropriate size.

Today was my weekly session. I...........told................her.................all..................about..................it!!!

I am pooped right now but will write about my session tomorrow. It's all good

YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excellent work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After much agonizing, squirming in my chair, pacing the floor, sitting back down and turning my chair away from my therapist, I finally told her. I was very choppy with my words and she had to piece them together to figure out exactly what I was saying. I asked her, "Do you really get what I am saying?" She then gave me some of her thoughts about what she thought I was trying to tell her.

She was pretty close, but not exactly. I finally said, "YOU are the main character." She knew what I meant when I said that part. I wasn't looking at her, so I am not sure if she was shocked or not. She didn't act shocked. Of course, therapists are trained to keep that poker face no matter what we say to them!

She explained that she was not surprised about it given my past and the issues I was working through in therapy. She explained that she is the most stable person I have in my life right now. She represents security for me. She is the one that I confide my most private things with, so why would it be odd that she shows up in a sexual fantasy? Sex is one of the most intimate things that we experience. We only share that with people we trust. I trust her.

She was so casual about it. I told her that sometimes I think of her in very demeaning (sexual) ways. She said this was more than likely my way of 'getting back at her' because I am angry with her at times. She makes me face things I don't want to look at. Demeaning her makes me feel powerful and not so vulnerable.

Isn't this weird that she comes up with this? I think she is right because it makes a lot of sense! I hope that by talking with her more and more about this, the erotic transference will go away!

Good work, Squiggle.

That took a lot of courage. I have been there. Whether the transference dissipates or not, you will no longer have to feel like there is this secret third thing in the room getting between the two of you.

That's awesome Squiggle, you should be VERY proud of yourself. I obviously can't tell you what will happen next, but for sure, you will feel differently, and it's a good chance that you'll feel better. In my experience, I've only realized after I've shared something, that it was harder to hold it all in than it was to get it out. So the worse is over!

I am so happy that you shared this with her. Good work!!

I wonder how I would react if someone told me they had those kinds of thoughts about me. Would I feel like they were 'checking me out' all the time? Would it make me want to keep my distance? Probably so. Since she is my therapist, she is trained not to do that. But I wonder how she really felt when I told her. I may just come right out and ask her in our next session.

I hope that you DO ask your T instead of obsessing about it again! I wonder what my T thinks about me right now because in my email I wrote that I didn't feel excited/good last session because she didn't look so good (she didn't feel well.) I don't like that I react that way but I wonder if it makes her feel self-conscious. I wrote it but I'm panicking at the idea of asking her. She says nothing is TMI but it may be TMI to hear her answer. She'll probably say, as usual, to be curious about it, and that she knows I'm not going to act on my feelings for her, and it's okay. I don't have to ask her now. But, Squiggle, I want to know what your T says if you ask her.

Well, of course you're not trained to cope with that sort of thing.

As we have seen, being fantasised over, shouted at and stalked is all in a day's work for a T.

Per the snoopdog, T's are impervious, like lead, or a raincoat lined with Gore-tex! so fuggeddabbout it! actually, I really liked what she said in response as to why you had these particular feelings - and the way you came back here and explained it I think was helpful for many people. I know it was for me, thanks. yes, we DO keep revisiting the same feelings; my first long-term T said it's like an onion, you just keep peeling back layers. I think though it's more like a head of lettuce growing in the garden - you keep picking off the outer layers and inner ones keep growing - until the plant bolts, gets tough, and goes to seed?

excellent thread, gives me the courage to share with my T

My next appointment is Tuesday. I have two days to think about how I am going to act when I see her. I feel like I will be so self-conscious! Worried that if I look at her too long, or in the wrong place, she may think I am having an erotic transference moment! Strange as it sounds, I don't have those feelings while in a therapy session. I am such a nervous wreck in most of my sessions that thinking about something like that is just not happening! I am more focused on NOT looking at her.

You know what? I do sneak a peek at her when she's not looking. Like if she has to walk across the room for some reason. I will take a good long hard look at her just to see what she looks like! I forget so many times because I stare at the floor and the walls most of the time! I wish that I had a full length picture of her. I have one from about her shoulders up, but I would like to see her from head to toe. Weird? Yep! I would say that is weird! Why do we do these strange things? I don't get it at all. What difference does it make how she looks? I didn't come to her so that I can look at a cute woman sitting in a chair. I came to her to give me some help! Now I am doing these ridiculous things that don't make any sense.

And they like it that way.

Teflon. Bullet proof vests. Batshields...

Your therapy will be twice as effective if you share in session what is going on with you in the moment while in session.

These are both the same things! Your ridiculous things are symptoms of your issues that she is going to help you with.

Sometimes it is hard to know what is just a 'passing thought' and what is really something we need to discuss. If I have a random outrageous thought like, "I wonder if she does this or that when she has sex?" That is not something I think I should say to her, is it? That stuff is just curiousity we all have. Thoughts that come and go in our minds.

Sorting through which thoughts are valid to my therapy, and which ones are just human nature, is where I get confused. Where is the line? I mean, sometimes I have to urge to get in her face and tell her off. I wouldn't do that. But should I tell her that when I feel like I am having the urge to do it? What would be the point? It could be that I was just having a hard day and it has nothing to do with her or the therapy session.

Picking and choosing my words is difficult for me. We have to censor some things, don't we? If we blurted out every thought that came to us, we would all be in trouble!

If I blurted out the sexual thoughts I have at times ..... let's just say that would not be a good thing!

Yeah, you don't have to mention this one.

This would be good to talk about, though. Even if it is just because of your hard day it is good to talk about.

I think that with practice you'll get better at it.

I would like for the seeds to die! We can't be this messed up. I am thinking this is just part of living. The ups and downs. Emotions and feelings. Good times and bad times. That's life, isn't it?

If that is true, then why do I think I am so different from everyone else? Maybe they are the different ones? Or maybe we are all different and that's okay? Who wants a bag of all blue M & Ms? Not me. Who wants a box of crayons that only has purple ones? I prefer red!

My point is that we can all be different with different issues and be just as normal as anyone else. I mean, doesn't everyone have erotic transference at some point in their life? Maybe not. I sure never thought I would. It's bizarre and totally stupid if you ask me! Is anyone asking? Not sure. But that's my take on it. It is an odd sensation.

This is not good. She has to cancel our appointment tomorrow because her daughter is sick. They are going out of town on Wednesday, so I will have to wait until next week to talk with her again. She did tell me to call if I need to. She also told me to email when I need to.

I really don't want to do that. Part of me is glad that she is cancelling because I don't want to go back and talk about the erotic transference thing. But part of me knows that I need to. I don't want to do that in an email or over the phone. That needs to be done face to face.

This is the second time we have had to cancel a session. The last time, I fell off a cliff and missed two days work. I guess this time, since I am on spring break, it won't matter if I stay in bed for two days. Hopefully, I won't go to that. I need to start being able to handle things better. Maybe if we weren't right in the middle of some very hard stuff, it may be different. I am almost afraid to tell my husband. He will be upset because he knows how I get when I miss a session.

I feel so bad for you, Squiggle. You're living what I fear most about therapy, that my T will cancel a session. But you do handle it and the time passes. You're an inspiration so that if it happens to me, I'll be okay.

I understand your wanting to talk to your T face to face, but it's nice to know that she will welcome an email or phone call if you need to!

If you want to discuss erotic transference more, feel free to PM me.

I am stuck with these feelings for another week..........

Pace Sannah, your T might be very pleased to hear your "irrational" thoughts, whatever they might be.

What does 'pace' mean?