Trigger for terminating Therapy.....

You are not alone. I like to then wrap it up and put it away... Moving on don't dilly dally !

mcl, I am one of those people with a really great relationship with my current therapist. I also had a really good relationship with my first ever therapist. I do not pretend that either relationship is great as a result of any amount of work on my part.

My first therapist absolutely enraged me and I went off on him (well going off for me at that stage of my life - which involved *slightly* raising my voice and saying I was was NOT fine). His response to my anger was a gentle humor and asking me what I needed from him to make my therapy experience easier for me to handle. He certainly did not melt down back at me.

In between my two successful therapy experiences was a whole string of unsuccessful therapy relationships. I swear, one T absolutely HATED me. Every appointment she checked to be sure I was sane (oriented times three, etc.) even though I repeatedly explained I was not delusional and just depressed.

Your experience in having difficulty finding a T with whom you connect really isn't unusual, and it REALLY doesn't say anything about you as a person!

You deserve to have a T that you connect with. Don't worry about terminating by voicemail, especially if the alternative is paying for a session during which you terminate.

I terminated with a T after a few sessions because she wasn't a good fit for me. I left her a voicemail. Never heard a word from her.

mcl, I think it's perfectly fine to terminate through a voice mail or letter. You really already told this "therapist" that you weren't clicking with him and he went ballistic on you. That's about him NOT you. I agree with critterlady, why pay for the session that might mean more of the same!

I told a therapist through a letter that I had decided we weren't the right "fit". I angsted about it a bit because I had been referred to him by my previous therapist who was in partnership with him before she retired. I felt as though I had let her down . .. but deep in my gut I knew he wasn't the right therapist for me. That belief was cemented for me when I found the therapist I'm working with now . .. we have our moments of difficulty, but she has stuck by me and weathered the ups and downs in our relationship without EVER putting the blame on me. She sees the difficulties as something we both have a part in. . . that's the sign of a true and genuine partnership in therapy. I know the right person is out there for you!

I don't think you owe this guy anything. Quit however works best for you. If he doesn't like it, he can go see his own therapist.

Like all "addictions," the withdrawal is painful and recovery is no fun. But I can tell you based on my recent experience, it is worth it. And the deliberate, slow termination process is only more painful -- like pulling off a band-aid bit by bit.

that would be me. I am just now reading this thread and my jaw is hanging.

Mcl, voicemail / email / phone call / snail mail are all valid ways to say "I am not coming back", don't hang yourself up with guilt over that. You want to be sure though that the message gets through, so he can't claim you didn't tell him.

Wow I am so sorry for what you are going through.

That band aid had gone bad....all gummy and ingrown....and I picked off the edges then tried to slap it down again....all in the name of long-term pain.

I believe that a phone call cancelling the next "appointment" which I am fairly sure T expects me to attend is the way to go

And just so you all know how much I am obsessing over this....there is the matter of what I should say.

How about Dr. xxxx I won't be returning.

Seems to kind of capture things, right?

Thank you so much. This totally blows. I want to emphasize that I was no sweetheart during the last appointment. I def had my part in things...but it was truly UGLY. UGLY. It was an ARGUMENT like you would have in a bar for crissakes....and it's been many years since I did anything like THAT! I feel like my therapist pushed my buttons, and then, I pushed my therapist's buttons and then it was completely out of control. Standing face to face.....Holy Crap! Honestly, this is just sinking in, and I cannot imagine what the weekend is going to be like.

I am so freaked out.....trying hard to take care of myself and benefiting greatly from postings here. So now the bad news: expect to hear much more from me in the next few weeks....

Good luck!

In a way, therapy is like a love affair. Some people marry for life, others wear out their relationships and move on. I guess the most important thing is to recognise which way is right for you.

Celebrating human diversity!

Nice attitude! Thanks!

One option is to take a break.

Hard question time? Why do you think he actually "lost it", ie was not in control of his actions and feelings? If you were standing up and yelling, was he just "mirroring" you? Altho even as I write this, I am thinking Harpo Marx and Lucille Ball, not therapy. Reading about Chopin's session today, and your previous comments about your T's disinterest (to say the least) about your recent out-of-town trip, for example, and intuitive interests, makes me wonder if we are trying to coerce "parental acceptance and approval" from our T's under the guise of "unconditional positive regard". Or are you choosing T's who are NOT into UPR, and who DO want you to behave in their pre-approved ways?

here goes. I'm going to take a crack at this, knowing that I'm not that able to see thru the fog of my fear and pain. I wanted this to work. And I don't think it did, and there are a few reasons for this.

Maybe my T was mirroring me, but what does that really mean? It was a kind of chicken and egg thing...arguments escalate, and it was more of that kind of ramping-up thing where it's like two people in a room, awash in gasoline, with lighters...more like that. I guess when I hear the term "mirroring" that's not what comes to mind....if you know what I mean.

I do not believe that I was trying to coerce anything from my therapist, especially not unconditional anything and especially not positive regard. I didn't have a strong need to have this therapist LIKE me particularly. And part of that is, I don't really like this T. that said, I think there's a lot of blue sky between what happened in that session and any kind of regard, unconditional and positive or not.

So..I don't think I was trying, under any guise, for a lot of strokes from this person -- parental or otherwise. However, I did have a really strong drive to get feedback and discussion (perhaps even permission of some kind?) on my intuitive "adventures" and "interests." And that is where I think I went wrong!

i don't think my t has a lot of information, training, or real "handle" on those interests, as I have learned over time. I think my T is kind of "behind" me on that, actually and I feel that I am dragging T along, in a sense! In fact, I think I am very far ahead of T on those matters, and I am totally in accord with CantExplain that on some level, my T was very jealous of the fact that I went out of town and got what I needed from a real expert! I am still so proud of myself that I did that but I felt like that whole session was really the lead-up to this disaster. It all fell down and went boom!

I think I am choosing therapists based on their "reputation", how "highly regarded" they are in traditional ways, and then expecting them to be able to relate to me in non-traditional ways about non-traditional matters. One old AA expression springs to mind about this kind of seeking: Looking for an Orange in a Hardware Store. Well, I got a monkey wrench.

What has been confounding to me is the way that I react to the kind of feedback and emotional-withholding that my last two "analytical" Ts do as a part of their stock-in-trade. I can't stand the blank mask while I reveal my biggest sources of pain! Offering those places to someone who is essentially an "analyst" is a pretty foolish endeavor for me at this time in my life. that's not to say that analysis is wrong or bad or not wonderful for some people, just not me at this particular time and place.

I feel deeply -- and have no "real" reason to be so certain -- that my therapist is accustomed to some pretty heavy adoration from "patients." Over time, I have seen signs of some extreme arrogance, and ignored them. Any attempts on my part to recast the relationship, the back and forth were met with SCORN. Remarks about the man I was seeing were met with SCORN. "Oh, that guy, forget him." Sh*&t like that and I won't go on.

I think the harder question is why I ignored these warning signs after seeing them repeatedly, noting them, writing about them, posting here and YET persisting in the folly of paying such a great deal of money for an exercise in humiliation that eventually ended this way.

And I am not going to shoulder the responsibility for the standing and yelling entirely. I've said I was no queen of decorum. but it seems to me that the responsiblity for decency lies at least a little more at the feet of the so-called caregiver. Granted, I was no sweetheart, as I've said before, but this was a far cry from therapeutic.

Just my thoughts...this is still pretty raw....

You did some good work here. It sounds like a repetition compulsion. With these T choices, you keep proving yourself right, which is comforting, but in a bad way. So you were invalidated as a child and now are reliving it yet trying not to. But I think you have a hard time approving or validating your own choices. You never told us what the trip was - that's fine, but was it for fear of disapproval from PC? (again, don't feel you have to answer). My guess is you would find interest here, people are into a lot of different things. If you posted in a different forum in PC, some people here would never see it, they never venture out of the Psychotherapy threads, just fyi! anyway, just some thoughts. I love that orange in a hardware store example.

Pretty raw and real, mcl. I guess all that I can say is that I don't believe any therapist who "loses it" and shouts back at a client is acting in any way, shape or form in a theraputic manner. I do believe that we, as clients, often lose our focus and control in therapy, it's what happens, in my opinion. If the therapist responds in kind, then things become confused, unmanagable and non-therapeutic.

I know that in my own therapy I've often been lost and confused. I responded in a way that would be seen as "lost in transferance" and I don't know if that was where you were in your battle with this therapist, but I do know, without question, that responding by yelling and degrading you in the session was downright wrong on the part of this therapist. I GET it that I sometimes push my therapist's buttons . .. I confuse her, frustrate her and make her question her own competence. But she has NEVER responded to me in a way that expressed this confusion or frustration. She has sat and remained calm in the midst of my emotional storm. I sometimes leave my sessions angry and vowing never to return . .. but when the storm subsides and I am able to evaluate what happened, I understand and respect her ability to stay consistent and still in the midst of my storm. I hope you're able to find someone who is able to do the same. The individual you were seeing wasn't able to do that. His ego got in his way. . . he was too invested in how he was viewed by you ... can we all say, "narcissistic"?

Hope I haven't offended you by my bluntness regarding this "therapist". Good luck finding someone who is more equipped to deal with the issues you're willing and wanting to bring to him/her!

Even if any of this were true, it would make no difference.

T is supposed to be solid and reliable. "You started it" is not the attitude that I look for in a T.

I went on my trip to meet someone who has investigated what you might call a "place memory." Basically, the short version of this, which many may find unbelievable, is that I have an ability to visit places and sense what has happened there, and less frequently, to touch objects and know about their owners, their histories and such. Nothing about the future, only the past. Weird but true. The person I met has this ability only much much stronger. An amazing journey, to say the least.
My T was jealous, as Can'tExplain and I determined. But that's all in the past, so to speak.

There. I've outed myself.

Blessings,
MCL

Guess it went over pretty well!

Hey, no offense, we're just into psychotherapy - not our area of expertise? Have you ever been to Henry Ford Museum / Greenfield Village in the Detroit area? You would go nuts! (in a good way)

how come? Is it haunted? BTW...the trouble is, it's hard to find people who ARE into this stuff who have their gear stowed right, which brings us back to the area of therapy!

that wasn't why I suggested it, but I do remember my mother telling me that her friend who worked there would see ghosts from time to time. my mother also sees dead people. AND their dogs...

Hey MCL,

Just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're still hanging in there. I know the last several days have been rough for you.

Thank you for asking.

I go up and down. Way up and way down.

This morning I had the impulse to call the T and schedule something and TRY AGAIN.

I went to the gym and I l left my phone at home and came to the day job, where I am so far behind that I will be able to lose myself in my work...whew!

today is a bit better, but that is because my T is out of town. When T comes back, will I get a call offering me an appointment?

What willl I do?

Why am I so freaked out? A certain part of me says I am just being "resistant."

that part scares me.

I feel like if I can make it another week until T comes back, and I don't get a call, then I will be okay. In that respect, this really does feel like an addiction, and I have been there before, too.

Gah!

Thanks for asking. I am taking it bit by bit. but the support helps in a HUGE way.

Blessings, MCL

I get this idea. If the t goes away for more than a week or if I go away (quit, take a break, or whatever) - the first week is somewhat off (change in routine, t would say attachment, whatever) , but then it gets fine in the following days (I am not confused and frustrated and enraged over therapy which I pay to do to myself - I am just that way for free over other things but not as consistently or frequently) and I usually wonder why I go back.