Trigger for terminating Therapy.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I'm trying to terminate T after I meet with the "director" to get my complete record and review it. My T in the last session threw out several shots of demeaning "observations" about me which left me aghast. She reacted out of feeling defensive, somehow...a coping skill we both worked at on the "outside" to not react when we are threatened. I was threatened because my meds were discontinued with no call back from Dr. after I reported a side effect..no nothing. No explanation, no new med, no immediate appointment!
I was angry, for sure, but not at my T. Angry I guess to be just cut off from regular meds after a 4-yr. contract. Oh, my T. did say on the phone when she called back to say "the Dr. will NOT be calling you back....you are smart..you know what to do." She did ask if I was suicidal; how nice of her? Who, off anti-depressants, ever knows when and if they will be that depressed, what they will do?

I was threatened in a very real sense because with a functional depression I had to drag through Christmas, miss seeing my daughter, until I finally got an app't. with a new doc. We still haven't found the right med for my functional depression and I'm back to square one. I'm not giving up, just moving on. When Ts and docs rear their heads of selfish manipulation or exploitation of the individual who is depressed or otherwise in need of psychiatric medications, it's just time to say, yes, this is how it is. This is how people are. Some of the most controlling psychopaths and sociopaths can lurk in the helping professions for their unsuspecting victims under the guise of "care givers."

I'm happy enough to be moving forward.

And my T took the message and really knows why...she's just protecting herself and her paycheck; I finally realized she didn't really get to the correct core issues over 4 years! 'just alot of me jabbering on and on to cope with the events of each week. She was threatened because I got very assertive and upset the balance of power. Make no mistake about it...the T holds the power. When I meet with "Director" I will refuse to pay for that session of abuse. They are only people, with credentials in psychology.
In the end, psychology didn't help me.

Wow. Just.....yeah. Yikes. I'm sorry this happened to you this way. You were having some issues with a previous T, no? (sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else). This is just.....awful.

Thank you so much. No, that was me

I do despair of finding someone who can work with me. I admit it. I'm not easy. Am I, bigdog? Okay, I'm a hardened case...!

I have reallly benefited from hearing the words of support on this board. Last night was somewhat better. Thanks to you of you....I needed that.

I feel like I am hanging on...but by a thread. I've worked really hard on my therapy process, and I feel like I am making problems but DESPITE my therapists, not because of them, and it wasn't always this way. I wonder if I'm really cut out for this now, which worries me because I wonder if it is some very deep and abiding flaw of mine. But when a therapist continues to shift blame and basically not show up....despite me trying to ask for what I need....and when I'm basically bleeding financially just to pay the bills ($150 for 50 minutes!), there's something wrong. All of those issues aside, I just cannot deal with a therapist who loses their sh%t in the actual appointment.

I guess on some level, I don't think therapy should ever be an argument, and that's what it was. It was horrid...

Others on this board have suggested that I find someone new quickly and that strikes me as sound advice, because I'm internalizing this in a big way and feel fundamentally BAD. I blame myself, and I compare myself to others here who have these amazingly great relationships with their T and I think...what is wrong with me? Then, people post and say, hey, it's cause I worked really hard on it...I don't want to dishonor you..I know you worked really hard on it. so did I! And it still shipwrecked.

I feel kind of inconsolable actually. but your words have helped me in a big way! Please continue to support me.

MCL

We'll all be here, MCL. And we'll just keep saying it: it's isn't you, it's them.

Hey all,

In one of those funny coincidences that life throws our way sometimes (when we need it?), my insurance provider from work stopped by and we had an honest talk....She had a lot of insights into my T!

Yikes! Major red flags!

She gave me some pointers for people she thought could help me in a big way. a few different approaches and people in the network that can help as preferred providers.

I feel so much better.....So, so, so much better....

I can see light at the end of this tunnel.

Getting through the next few days will be hard but not as hard as the feeling I had when I left the t's office....

Working hard in therapy is only one element that leads to progress, in my opinion. If a person's T is incompetent, all the work in the world might backfire. It is NOT your fault. Your T is an a$$hole. Unbelievable that a professional in any field would behave that way let alone in the helping profession.

I've shared with my T a few stories from PC about how some therapists act. My T is very very careful not to judge or discuss any other person's case but she has told me that there definitely are some bad T's out there and it is them that give therapy a bad name.

So, MCL - keep hunting. Keep looking. There is a therapist out there waiting for you. And I'd say, as you interview new T's as you decide who you will hire, also trust your gut feeling. If you don't resonate with them at first interview session, don't go back. Don't analyze too much. Trust your feelings.

No kidding!!! I was in such a bad place when I went to this T that I was not in a position to really make a good choice....
and to tell you the truth, my Ts credentials seemed really great and robust and the office seemed professional....all very important, right? I mean, on some level, the whole thing is a kind of stab in the dark I guess.....which makes me a bit queasy for the future, but what are ya gonna do?

And I really need to get over this idea that I need to "rise to the challenge" of dealing with someone who really may be an a##hole at bottom (so to speak!).

yes yes yes yes - therapy shouldn't feel like going into battle. Our T's office should feel like a place of safety and comfort, a place to be supported, a time when we can finally let down our guard.

It matters NOT their credentials or how fancy their offices are. Do we resonate with them? Do we like them? You know how it is when you first meet someone. Whether you're thinking consciously about it or not, you pretty well have an idea whether you're interested in continuing the relationship or you wouldn't mind if you never saw them again. So, using what we use IRL, how we know what we like, would be the same as choosing a T, I think.

i could NOT come up with a better description of how it felt to go into that office than ....going into battle...and it ended in a war.

Ugh!

I am going to use what I know IRL....When our insurance agent stopped by and we chatted about this, I thought...gee, it's so good to see her! I think she can connect me with a great new T!

I had that certain feeling about it, you know?

Hope feels good, doesn't it?

I'm really worried that this says something very bad about ME not my therapist. My therapist is the very expensive, very well regarded person that I could not get along with.

I know I'm all over the place...but I feel so horrible about this train wreck.

"yes yes yes yes - therapy shouldn't feel like going into battle."

That is a new and novel concept. It does feel like going into battle but battle where you are expected to turn over all weapons and shields to this stranger.

Pharoah Hound

There's no need to fear, Underdog is here

My dogged determination all collapsed when I realized that my therapist wasn't really giving me what I needed and when I asked......things went really bad really fast and pretty soon....an ugly argument and T actually turned their back on me!

Holy crap. I felt totally disarmed. And then...T still had weapons....and wasn't above using them.

I can't stop re-living this last ten minutes in that office. It's clear as day and I keep playing it over and over...trying to remember the exact words, trying not to remember them, seeing little snapshots of T's eyes kind of bugging out.

I think I need a tranquilizer. But no prescriptions for anything.

Crickey!

Well, I don't know if you know who Bernie Madoff is. He is the master swindler of the century. And you know what - HE was well-regarded. HE charged a lot. HE was looked up to by thousands of people. HE was obviously someone to trust, people thought, because he was a billionaire. Well, it all came out in the end. He was a liar, a cheater, a fraud, a criminal.

Listen, we all go into therapy because we recognize there are some things about ourselves that need improvement or need work. And many times we enter the relationship feeling very vulnerable and very unworthy. Therapists have a lot of power. Many or most of them use their power to help their clients gain more self-worth and more self-regard. But there are others who misuse their power.

It matters not how 'difficult' we are. They're trained to help us 'difficult' people. One time I got very mad at my T. She wasn't flustered at all. She knew my anger came from fear and frustration. She calmly responded to me. I felt heard and understood. I was not criticized or made to feel flawed. She's always been in my corner. No matter how many dysfunctional behaviors I exhibit towards her, she receives them with understanding and helps guide me towards my own self-understanding.

So, it is not you!!!!!!!! It is your therapist who has screwed up royally. Imagine if we go to an MD with a physical problem. Do we blame ourselves when the MD doesn't know what the hey he is doing? No! We can easily see that it's the MD, the supposed professional in the healing arts who has messed up. We would never consider blaming ourselves. So, why go that route when it's an incompetent therapist , no matter how expensive he is. Just remember Madoff.

What an a$$hole!!! Can you report him? Or at least put up a review on Yelp? Go take a walk outside. Breathe the fresh air deeply. Be thankful you escaped. Things will get better. Your new wonderful T is waiting for you when you find him/her. It's going to be o.k.

Sky, that is such a good point about Madoff! When MCL said she couldn't get along with the highly regarded... bells started going off in my head, but I couldn't think of why, there was just a general 1960's hippie's mistrust!

Oh dear. This really really resonated with me. Thank you...whew....

It is starting to get a lot clearer....as the fog of my confusion lifts.

I feel really disoriented today.

the Maddoff thing is right on. My T's big pronouncements about "clinical" experience, the well-noted reputation. ....the fact that so many of T's "patients" were therapists themselves and this was made into another very big thing.... thus even more vaunted credentials, ...the fancy office...I mean really fancy. And in the end, it was not a corner office, and I did not really feel that my therapist was ever in my corner.

And you knw what the worst part is?

I think that I would have gone back (which is my pattern, again and again, thinking things will be different) had T not said...The next appointment we will begin here. We will talk about what's going on now.

Oh no we won't. I simply can't do it. Won't do it.

So in practical terms....what do I do? I didn't actually say I won't be back.....I left without saying that. YIKES!

Do I call and just leave a voicemail?

That seems like a cowardly thing to do, but I just honestly cannot think that would be a good route. After all, I did that...because I have been down this road before...

which is why it's hard to battle the idea that it's ME....An impossible case...too crazy for any T to deal with or heal.

which is why your posts are really important to me today.

blessings,

MCL

I agree because I hold the same floating trust issues (which actually resolve over time, generally)....but that example is downright chilling. And may have some special relevance here.

message delivered.

I think the trigger/mention of terminating in the title might be scaring some people away from this thread. It's one of the least favorite topics around here.

I can't imagine that you're untreatable. How many therapists have you tried? Did you think this was a good fit in the beginning or were you kind of just making do even back then?

So, what's the deal about being cowardly? What do you owe that guy anyways? You've already paid him a lot - $150.00 per session, right? Man, you owe him squat.

Yes, just leave a message that you won't be coming in again. What is cowardly about that? What - you're supposed to 'explain' things to him? Why? Why?

I don't understand why you feel you need to take on another battle with him. If we don't want to fight anymore, is that really being cowardly or is it being wise?

You are not being a coward by giving him the heave-ho by voicemail. To be honest, you'd be more of a coward by caving in to your perceptions that you owe him this; you'd be diminishing yourself by applying his stupid standards to your behavior.

So, stand up for yourself and give the guy his final goodbye. Sorry if I'm coming across too strong but it riles me so much that you've been treated like this when there are wonderful people out there who are also therapists. Please take care of yourself.

The therapists' therapist? Boy, would I love to be a fly on a wall in THAT room! Of course, you know what flies are drawn to...

I am going to see a friend in a while....after I get done at the day job. I cannot tell you thank you enough.....I think I need help from my friend maybe a bit of hand holding in order to make the call.

It feels like get out of jail free card...remember that?

I wish I had seen all of this earlier.....I feel really disoriented and into second guessing myself, so your posts help a lot.

I feel like I would not know what to do with a supportive therapist...what would that feel like? It's time to get a taste of it.

Thanks again,

MCL

I tried one other therapist for a while....only a few sessions, and then this. I had a "feeling" that this was not right in the second session. T asked, How are you feeling about this,and I blurted out

FINE.

Who's to say one T is a good fit forever? People change and grow , I learned some things from xT and now it's time to learn more from New T.

Amen...also I think we sometimes just KNOW.

I even had my "it's time to end" words ready before...long before this. I just couldn't get them out of my mouth before it all kinda fell apart.

I am just this person who wants things to END WELL rather than badly. I suppose I'm not alone there!

Thanks LC