Need help....*Trigger* Possible Termination

I hate being here. AGAIN.

Tomorrow is my appointment with T and I want to terminate. What is wrong with me?!?!?!??!?

I don't want to go. I didn't call today and cancel, I just want to disappear. No call. No note. Nothing. I want to be done.

I am so confused and T is not doing very good at helping me sort it all out. It s****, really.

We've been together over 2 1/2 years. I made a promise to myself ( and T) very early on in this therapy that I would not run away, even with experience of Terminating T but I just can't hold on anymore. I CAN"T.

When I learned he shared my personal email with a staff member, I stayed.
When he overreacted one day last September, I left and it took me a month to return. I felt guilty. I blamed myself and more. I told him I needed a break.
In December, I requested to return.
In January, after a two week break, another rupture. This one over the revelation that my former MT (who on the day of my H and I appointment last year, sent an automated email saying he was no longer in private practice) never left the practice. He was still there and my T (always) knew. My T who sat in the same room and watched me grieve deeply because of my prior experience with TT#1 and now, MT. Who listened to me read an email written to MT requesting a final termination session and MT's response which said he had to leave suddenly and would be unable to provide that request. He suggested we could process with someone else, if needed. My T knew all of this. He knew it was all a lie and yet, he allowed it.

My T says it is all true, but he didn't share with me because he wasn't MT's boss and because he knew how much I was already hurting from the first experience, he didn't want me to be hurt more. He never understood MT's reasons behind the termination.

I told him, his decision not to share left me powerless.

Trust is a HUGE issue for me. A few weeks ago I told T I thought I was building a foundation on which I could stand, but realized it's more like shifting sand. T wiped a tear from his eye.

We both have worked so hard on this, I don't want to let him, or myself, down. I just can't go on like this. It hurts TOO much.

I sent T an email a little over two weeks ago asking him to return to weekly appointments until I am able to fully work through these ruptures and process. I told him, I was struggling and was contemplating walking away. Instead, I wanted to reach out to him and see if he could help me through it. He replied via email, and said he would let his receptionist know immediately. We talked again about it the following week, he said he would look for a cancellation. Last week came and nothing. Last Thursday, I sent an email saying I regretted asking for additional time. A day and a half later (Friday, 4:30ish) he responded with an apology saying nothing opened up.

I sent him back a quick reply which said, I knew. I was sorry, too. I said, " I don't ask for much but when I do, it's because it is needed. Nevermind."

I totally felt, unheard.

And this is my struggle. The pain in T is beginning to be greater than the pain outside of T. I am being honest. I am being patient. I am being real. I haven't run. I have always returned and shared with T, always being very open and honest.

I don't know how much more of this I can take? I want to protect myself.

When is enough, ENOUGH?

I read the bits about your past disappointments, but I want concentrate on this one.

From what I see here, you asked your T for more sessions and T tried to find them. He failed.

Now I can understand why you might feel let down and perhaps even devalued. But can you help me understand why you didn't feel heard?

Sure, and thanks for asking because I don't understand myself. Maybe, "heard" isn't the BEST word, but it's the word that comes to mind? Transference-related, possibly?

In my original email, I said something like ( I am paraphrasing here) , " I am struggling, here. I fear if I don't reach out and try and reconnect and repair this, I will sabotage my therapy. Can I return to weekly appointments until I am able to fully process the recent ruptures?"

Now, I want to sabotage my therapy.

I wrote here on PC last week, It felt like I was heard, yet unheard.
Does that make ANY sense?

It certainly is understandable to me that it is upsetting or frustrating to not get what you asked for, even though you rationally realize the therapist does not have an opening for you to have an appointment. You let yourself ask for something, and it was a reasonable request, and not getting it -regardless of the therapist's ability to comply in your time frame, has left you feeling quite bad. Is that sort of it?

I think so, stopdog.

I feel like this whole therapy I have really put myself OUT there. Made myself really vulnerable through this entire process and keep getting hurt. I read so often here on PC of T's who do extraordinary things for their clients and when I really need T to do something extraordinary because of his errors ( like connecting on our off-week until appointment is found, ANYTHING) he doesn't and my therapy feels unimportant...*I* feel unimportant. ( I'll have to think about this? )

I know it is hard to think logically in situations where we feel we have exposed our hearts. Your T is trying to pull you into a weekly schedule. He has told you he is trying, but nothing has opened up. He can't just knock someone of the schedule and put you in their time slot. Logically you know that. If maybe a brief phone session in between would be helpful, ask him if that might be a possibility. You will only know if you ask. Don't wait for him to suggest it as some kind of proof that he finds you important. Find yourself important enough to ask for what you need. And don't come back with I asked for once a week appointments and he didn't do that for me. Because logically you know his answer was not no; he is still trying to work that out.

Think of the past and what has happened -- you have left. . .and then returned. Why would this situation not play out like that?

Being disappointed that you ask for something and did not get it and then terminating (how I see it) looks a little like trying to "punish" your therapist for not going above and beyond and being something he may not wish to be. Therapy is about you, not him; you are the one trying to change the way you live your life? We try to push the therapist and they don't budge and we declare a "rupture" and ourselves hurt by the therapist. The therapist is not an "object" we move around on our own personal therapy boards?

Our emotions are always ours, not the other person's, not caused by the other person either, but by our own thoughts, memories, and experiences from inside us.

You have always returned. Has your therapist been there when you did? Has he ever left?

farmergirl, I am trying to think logically about this and it is so HARD to hold onto the logical part. T knows I am hurting. Sometimes, when hurt is there, it is difficult to think logically. It's why I go to T. When I can't sort through it and see that what I really need is to connect with T in SOME (any) way, when I can't figure that out for myself enough to ask for more than to meet weekly...isn't that why he get paid? I guess my question is there hope for this therapy without PC to help me work through this because T isn't really helpful?

His email response last week really felt like a carrot on a stick. Just enough to (hopefully) keep me from walking away but not enough to help me through it. On the contrary, it reminded me how AWFUL I feel. Alone. Guilty. I don't need "proof", I need understanding.

I do see your point, Perna. It is my current struggle now. The confusion in my mind if this is the child part of me throwing a temper tantrum and wanting to punish my T OR the adult (healthy) part of me saying, ENOUGH.

Understand, I had just returned to therapy when I was blind-sided with the latest disappintment/rupture. It did hurt. Trust is difficult. A part of me does believe this is T's responsibility. I pay him to, hopefully, be a safe place for me. In the last three ruptures, his choices have not created a safe space. (Of course, my past plays a LARGE part, too!) Because of this, a part of me does have thoughts like, "T you contributed to this mess, now help me fix it!" Instead, I feel I am left with it for weeks at a time.

I didn't "push" my therapist to share my personal email with his staff. Nor did I "push" him to "project" his feelings onto me. I also did not "push" him in the latest rupture, but I think I understand what you are saying. Maybe?

I know my therapy is about me, and not about T. It's just that I was told to ask for what I need. I ask, and then often are told no, ignored or the need isn't met and I do feel devalued. I rarely ever ask for anything. When I entered therapy, I didn't even know I had needs. To expect me to understand this is like trying to squeeze a square peg through a circle.

I HAVE always returned, I do believe it was the right thing to do, try and work through it all. I didn't want to ever leave a T having any regrets. Now, I have regrets. I wish I would have never asked.

Yes, he has always been there. I have only left once after the "projection" incident, but we have discussed the possibility many times.

One possibility that occurs to me, is that MT might have had an incident of his own, been on the point of quitting, and canceled some or all of his clients. If he later changed his mind and worked something out with the clinic, they may have decided to spare you any further ups and downs from interacting with him. If the clinic did anything at all to protect MT's privacy then your T might very well have only a partial picture of what went on, and might want to avoid discussing even the parts he did know.

You could ask "MT's boss" (the clinical director, whoever he/she is?) for an explanation. There are probably limits on what they'd be able to tell you, though. You (and even MT) may never know for sure how much of MT's decision to cancel you had to do with you in particular, versus his relationship with his other clients and the clinic.

Of course all this is just speculation. I wanted to point out, though, that there are possible explanations that are less sinister than what we could come up with if we really worked at it.

Wow, that's a tough question. I wish there was a simple test to answer that.

Something like a home pregnancy test. If the line turns blue, you should quit therapy.

Why couldn't it be both?

To sort of answer my own question, though: I'd expect the adult/healthy part of me* to first call the T and/or the clinic on whatever runarounds they seemed to have given me and ask what we could do to clean up any resulting messes. If we couldn't make that work for whatever reason, then I'd consider saying "ENOUGH". Of course that's just me -- your adult/healthy part might have different priorities.

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*assuming that I had parts