[FourRedheads]

Hi all,

I hope this is okay. I need to write this out. I had my session at 10 this morning and already I don't remember much of it. I'm hoping to jog my memory by writing.

As some of you might remember, I wrote down the CSA and other stuff after last week's session. I've never written it down before. It was always up in my head, a big mass jumble of confused thoughts. I'm sure it looked that way in my journal, too.

As soon as I got in T's room today, I handed her the journal and told her I'm giving this to her now before I decide not to.

And....she sat there and read it to herself! Time went soooo sloooow as she read. OMG. I was humiliated, embarrassed, shaking, couldn't breathe, it was awful. I think I made some kind of noise or sighed or something, because at one point she stopped and looked at me (I think...I couldn't look at her) and asked if it was okay for her to read right then. I said it was okay.

So she got done reading, and I'm staring at her bookcase and wishing I could disappear. And she started talking. And her words were soft and soothing, and her "s" sounds on her words were kind of long and drawn out but I found it soothing. Weird thing to think about, but I was focusing on that as she talked.

I don't remember much of what she said. I know she thanked me a couple of times for writing it down and for trusting her. She told me I was brave.

She asked if I wanted to talk about what I wrote, or if I wanted to focus on the here and now. I said I could talk about it.

So she asked questions, but very gently. I don't remember much. At one point, she was trying to figure out what triggered the memory of the CSA. (I began remembering a few years ago). And I didn't know, but then I remembered and I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't talk. And she asked if I was remembering and I nodded yes. And we sat with that for a few minutes. She asked if I could tell her. And I tried. And finally I told her. Just a little bit, but I told her.

One of my memories involves sitting on the person's lap. And she talked about that. And about what can happen to a man...you know what I mean. And that it wasn't my fault. I was so ashamed when she talked about that. I couldn't say anything to her.

I wasn't able to look at her at all during the session. She talked a lot and said more things but I don't remember much. I think I must have been disassociating a lot because it's all hazy. Things still don't seem real to me. None of this feels real. I don't feel real either. I was feeling cold, very very cold.

Then it was over and time to go. She asked if I had any questions. She has never asked me that before. So I sat there and thought about it. And I asked her if she hated me. And she said no, she didn't hate me. She said more but I only remember the not hating me part.

Then she asked if she could keep my journal for the week!!!!! She said she was a slow reader and she wanted to read it again I didn't know what to say. How can I trust her with that? I asked if she would show it to anyone else and she said no way. That she would never show it to anyone and that I could trust her with it. And I said it was okay for her to have it but now I'm not sure. It was very scary leaving those words behind with her.

She walked me down the hallway, and as she said goodbye, I turned, and without thinking, I looked up at her for the first time. And I saw her eyes. And I saw compassion there.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((( fourredheads ))))))))))))))) wow you ARE brave. And your T sounds wonderful.
I hope you can take it easy tonight, bubble bath or icecream or something that is pampering for you. You have done so well.

[FourRedheads]

I don't know why, but your post is bringing tears, sawe. Good tears! Thank you. I think I get so little good validation in my real life it's just good to hear it. Thank you.

I don't think I am brave. I am feeling vulnerable and unsure, and messed up, and afraid. I want that journal back. I need to trust her with it but I don't and I'm scared. What if she reads it more in depth and decides she hates me or can't handle it or she's disgusted by me.

I'm trying to take care of myself tonight. I went for a run this afternoon and that was a very good thing to do. It helped a lot.

[Perna]

Oh, you did so well! I used to type out stuff to give to T, then she could "keep" them and they'd be a little more coherent/edited from my journal, etc. I did leave my journal, accidentally with T once, in her office, but she did not look in it or read it. How brave you are too. Know that you are brave if nothing else. Brave can keep you moving forward when you are afraid (I don't have Puss N Boots as my avatar for nothing :-)

[mcl6136]

I think you are exceedingly brave. Also clued in to take the run, give yourself some rest.

I think you are in good hands, too...your own and hers!

[sittingatwatersedge]

4RH - I don't know how far away T is from you and forgive me but I can't remember whether you are in touch between sessions, but maybe you could go by on Monday or something and get it back? Not tomorrow, give yourself some time to calm down & then decide?

[granite1]

and did i sayi think what you did was beyond amazing and so so brave.i would so love to know how you were able to do this but i bet you don't even know.my heart goes out to that girl that that happend to and to you now.it is so hard to remember and feel those feelings over again.big hugs

[FourRedheads]

Tears.

Thank you all SO MUCH!

Sawe, that's a great idea. T is off tomorrow...this time she remembered to tell me. So Monday if I'm still worried about the journal I could call her. Just to check in too.

[SpiritRunner]

I agree with the others, you did so well and I think your T did well, too; she sounds gentle and caring. Isn't it wonderful to see genuine compassion in someone's (T') eyes after you tell them something so difficult, so painful, like your trust in them is justified and safe.....I remember how much that meant to me too. I hope you feel release/relief/rest......

[Nelliecat]

((((FourRedHeads))))

I just PM'd you.

[Chopin99]

4RH, you're my hero! So so brave!!!

[FourRedheads]

Not feeling all that brave. But thank you!

I am so so tired and I have a headache. I am feeling all of this and I don't know how to process. I don't know what to do with myself. How do I sit with this? My entire world has been altered. And T KNOWS. Omg. She KNOWS. And that makes her unsafe, because anyone who knows is not safe. There is so much shame.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Not feeling all that brave. But thank you!

I am so so tired and I have a headache. I am feeling all of this and I don't know how to process. I don't know what to do with myself. How do I sit with this? My entire world has been altered. And T KNOWS. Omg. She KNOWS. And that makes her unsafe, because anyone who knows is not safe. There is so much shame.

maybe T can help you reframe that feeling that no one who knows is safe.....she can show you that it is safe for people who care about your healing to know, because then you're not alone in the knowing or the pain of knowing, and when someone who cares and can help knows, then there can be healing. and there is shame, but it doesn't belong to you. it by all rights belongs to those who hurt you.....
think of the compassion you saw in her eyes....hold on to that.....

[FourRedheads]

Thank you for reminding me of the compassion. I'm trying to hold onto that and not let myself spiral down to that dark place.

[precious things]

I am so proud of you! My goodness, guilt, shame and fear aside, that was an incredibly brave move on your part! How does it feel to share with your T? Do you feel like now that she has more of the details, it is a way of healing these memories for you? I ask because although I have put CSA out there, I have not gone into details yet. I wonder if this is healing for you?

And good call on the run! It is important to nurture the body when doing such tough mental work!

4RH, I sent my T an email last Friday about more of the details of the sexual abuse. Some of it was stuff that I never planned to tell anyone. Ever. Ever. EVER. ****ING EVER. I did not think it was relevant. it didn't matter. Shoot, I spent a goodly part of my life denying that it happened at all. So, I empathize with the courage and/or desperation that it took to actually hand that information over in a written form to anyone.

I wish you had spent more time looking at your T. When I first told my t about certain things, he kept nudging me to be sure that I saw his response and could see his eyes. I also kept thinking he would think I was gross. I still am worrying about that. I actually keep asking, "You don't think I'm gross, right?" He keeps saying he doesn't and reassuring me that no matter how I feel or how I've thought of things up to this point, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't our fault, 4RH. Right? Not your fault, not mine. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't either. I wish it felt that way for both of us.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

One of my memories involves sitting on the person's lap. And she talked about that. And about what can happen to a man...you know what I mean.

Yes, I do know what you mean.

But if, one day, you can bring yourself to say the words, you will go a long way towards breaking the evil spell.

[growlycat]

I always admire when PC people share their experiences. All I have been able to do is jump in and say "me too". Some very brave thoughts are expressed here. Thank you.

[KazzaX]

You have an awesome therapist and you are very brave.

[Sannah]

Good work 4RH! I'm sorry that it is so hard.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by precious things

I am so proud of you! My goodness, guilt, shame and fear aside, that was an incredibly brave move on your part! How does it feel to share with your T? Do you feel like now that she has more of the details, it is a way of healing these memories for you? I ask because although I have put CSA out there, I have not gone into details yet. I wonder if this is healing for you?

And good call on the run! It is important to nurture the body when doing such tough mental work!

Thanks again for all the support. It means so much and it is helping me get through today
I feel like I'm disappointing you all, because it does NOT feel good to have shared with T. Not at all. I know it's supposed to be healing but it is just hard.

Today I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for my kids. They deserve better than this. I don't have anything to give them.

That's all. Just lost.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Yes, I do know what you mean.

But if, one day, you can bring yourself to say the words, you will go a long way towards breaking the evil spell.

Okay.

T was talking about my memory of sitting on the person's lap. And she said it's common for a man to get hard with that. And that it wasn't my fault and the other stuff was wrong.

God, it was hard to type that.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Thanks again for all the support. It means so much and it is helping me get through today
I feel like I'm disappointing you all, because it does NOT feel good to have shared with T. Not at all. I know it's supposed to be healing but it is just hard.

Today I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for my kids. They deserve better than this. I don't have anything to give them.

That's all. Just lost.

This healing stuff is not a linear path, okay? It is a journey and one that will take you on many twists and turns . Honestly, if you said. "gee I feel perfect and have zero regrets about sharing..." I would think .

And as far as your children, they deserve a mother who is trying to heal , and trying to grow, and that is exactly what you are giving them!

[wintergirl]

It's a little odd to feel a great deal of admiration for someone you know only through the computer, but I felt so happy and proud of you when I read your post! I hope this is the start of great things for you.