Awful Day

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:22 PM

So I went to session today and it was okay. I of course picked out one sentence he said and dwelled on it and then emailed him about it. He asked me in session why I just didn't stay home. (which was out of concern for how tired I was for getting out of ER late that night) That totally triggered my abandonment issues.

So I sent him an email asking him if he was tired of seeing me. He replied "I want you to answer that question, you should already know the answer." That provoked a meaner response, from me. I told him that his new approach with me sucks and it only makes me feel like he hates me. (he has taken on a new approach with my abandonment issues, to not enable those thoughts, when before he was SUPER supportive) Anyway he replied that he needs me to look at situations and understand the reality and not just rely on his approval.

Now fast forward two hours. My father was going to meet my little sister who is sixteen for the first time in twelve years today. I lost my dad when I was five (I was taken from him). I lost my stepdad (suicide) when I was eighteen, and I lost the "big brother" cop who practically adopted me in high school I was ninteen when he abandoned me for no reason. I took all my abandonment issues out on my T REALLY hard today. I didn't even know how to cope with the feelings that came up when my dad left to go meet my sister. I must had sent him ten emails. He finally gave in and sent me a reassuring email. I feel horrible I did so badly. I hate myself. I hate that I can't trust our relationship now matter how much I SHOULD. I hate that I am so BROKEN. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for tonight. I should have coped better. I should have tried harder. I gave into my feelings, and I failed miserably at impulse control. He hates me now.

Kacey2 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

So I went to session today and it was okay. I of course picked out one sentence he said and dwelled on it and then emailed him about it. He asked me in session why I just didn't stay home. (which was out of concern for how tired I was for getting out of ER late that night) That totally triggered my abandonment issues.

So I sent him an email asking him if he was tired of seeing me. He replied "I want you to answer that question, you should already know the answer." That provoked a meaner response, from me. I told him that his new approach with me sucks and it only makes me feel like he hates me. (he has taken on a new approach with my abandonment issues, to not enable those thoughts, when before he was SUPER supportive) Anyway he replied that he needs me to look at situations and understand the reality and not just rely on his approval.

Now fast forward two hours. My father was going to meet my little sister who is sixteen for the first time in twelve years today. I lost my dad when I was five (I was taken from him). I lost my stepdad (suicide) when I was eighteen, and I lost the "big brother" cop who practically adopted me in high school I was ninteen when he abandoned me for no reason. I took all my abandonment issues out on my T REALLY hard today. I didn't even know how to cope with the feelings that came up when my dad left to go meet my sister. I must had sent him ten emails. He finally gave in and sent me a reassuring email. I feel horrible I did so badly. I hate myself. I hate that I can't trust our relationship now matter how much I SHOULD. I hate that I am so BROKEN. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for tonight. I should have coped better. I should have tried harder. I gave into my feelings, and I failed miserably at impulse control. He hates me now.

(((((((((((Lost)))))))))))))

WePow · Apr 05, 2012, 07:32 PM

((((Lost))))))

Why don't you write it all out and be honest about all this pain and send it to your T. Be percise and let him know what is going on. May help make you feel better to just get it all out.

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:34 PM

I was brutally honest in all the emails I sent him earlier. Maybe tomarow when I'm in a clearer frame of mind I can write a better email for him. If he even still cares by then.

CantExplain · Apr 05, 2012, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I must had sent him ten emails. He finally gave in and sent me a reassuring email. I feel horrible I did so badly. I hate myself. I hate that I can't trust our relationship now matter how much I SHOULD. I hate that I am so BROKEN. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for tonight. I should have coped better. I should have tried harder. I gave into my feelings, and I failed miserably at impulse control. He hates me now.

Your T knows you have abandonment issues, and surely he must anticipate that you will behave like this.

Of course he doesn't hate you.

Apr 05, 2012, 07:37 PM

I am so sorry you had such HUGE losses. That must have been devastating.
I think your T does care. I doubt your T is tired of seeing you, and he want YOU to be able to validate that. I know how hard that is though!
If it were someone here that were writing this post, what would you tell US?

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

I am so sorry you had such HUGE losses. That must have been devastating.
I think your T does care. I doubt your T is tired of seeing you, and he want YOU to be able to validate that. I know how hard that is though!
If it were someone here that were writing this post, what would you tell US?

That your T cares about you and doesn't hate you and understands why you act the way you do.

BUT I AM a huge failure and it doesn't apply, cause he DOES hate me now.

WePow · Apr 05, 2012, 07:45 PM

Your T knows you are in therapy because you need help with these issues. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to just keep processing things. Your T is there for you. He is doing his job by holding space for you to heal.

Kacey2 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:47 PM

He doesn't hate you but I have to caution you from experience that he is human too and has feelings like we do. If you verbally attack him in emails it will have negative consequences on your relationship. I am not judging you at all or trying to chastise, I am simply trying to save you from undue hardship and pain.

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:47 PM

In his reply to calm me down, he said "as I stated before I am not going anywhere" it sounds like he's had enough of me and my abandonment issues. Oh man I messed up tonight.

WePow · Apr 05, 2012, 07:49 PM

My T says that to me a lot. It is said to help you see that you are not scaring him off. He accepted you as a client. That means he is invested in your healing. He is not going to abandon you.

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kacey2

He doesn't hate you but I have to caution you from experience that he is human too and has feelings like we do. If you verbally attack him in emails it will have negative consequences on your relationship. I am not judging you at all or trying to chastise, I am simply trying to save you from undue hardship and pain.

Oh no I could never be mad at him. My emails were all sad emails about being hurt and abandoned as a kid and not knowing how to deal with the pain, and how it affects my relationship with him. The meanest thing I said was your new approach sucks, earlier in the day.

Kacey2 · Apr 05, 2012, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Oh no I could never be mad at him. My emails were all sad emails about being hurt and abandoned as a kid and not knowing how to deal with the pain, and how it affects my relationship with him. The meanest thing I said was your new approach sucks, earlier in the day.

Oh good. I was thinking you were sending him angry emails. Thanks for clarifying.

unaluna · Apr 05, 2012, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

... I of course picked out one sentence he said and dwelled on it and then emailed him about it. He asked me in session why I just didn't stay home. (which was out of concern for how tired I was for getting out of ER late that night) That totally triggered my abandonment issues.

So I sent him an email asking him if he was tired of seeing me... He replied "I want you to answer that question, you should already know the answer." That provoked a meaner response, from me... I must had sent him ten emails. He finally gave in and sent me a reassuring email. I feel horrible I did so badly. I hate myself... I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for tonight. I should have coped better. I should have tried harder. I gave into my feelings, and I failed miserably at impulse control. He hates me now.

so these quotes make it sound like you think it's your behaviour that makes your dads or T get mad and leave. which in a way would be better, safer, because then you would be able to control their leaving. so maybe that's why you got "meaner" with T.

you have formed a strong partnership with T, you should be very proud of yourself. I don't know if the above description is exactly your old family dynamic, but I would say you FELT your feelings, not that you "gave in" to them. you're very brave to do so.

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

so these quotes make it sound like you think it's your behaviour that makes your dads or T get mad and leave. which in a way would be better, safer, because then you would be able to control their leaving. so maybe that's why you got "meaner" with T.

you have formed a strong partnership with T, you should be very proud of yourself. I don't know if the above description is exactly your old family dynamic, but I would say you FELT your feelings, not that you "gave in" to them. you're very brave to do so.

Thanks for this. Does anyone else have any insight? I'm definitely going to address this idea with my T next session. Thanks Hankster.

likelife · Apr 05, 2012, 09:13 PM

I don't have any further insights; I think hankster's analysis sounds pretty plausible.

I just wanted to say that I know how difficult it can be to hear T say "I want you to answer that on your own." I understand the rationale behind it (kind of), but it's so not helpful in the middle of an emotional spiral.

I'm sorry it's been such a difficult day. Gentle hugs to you.

karebear1 · Apr 05, 2012, 10:08 PM

Lost- my heart just goes out to you. I understand the feelings you are having based on what you said and emailed. T understands them too. He knows that this is a pattern for you and his saying "I want you to anaswer that question, you should already know the answer." is his way of helping you realize and verbalize what he has said to you concerning this matter in the past. My T will do this to me as well by saying something to me and then saying, "Now, tell me what you just heard me say." She wants me to say it outloud so that 1) I understood exactly what she was saying and if I didn't, she can correct me and 2) That it will register in my head in another way by me vocalizing out loud what she wants me to internalize.

Don't feel bad about emailing T. That is going to happen- and he knows it's going to happen. It's how you process what happens in therapy.

lostmyway21 · Apr 05, 2012, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear1

Lost- my heart just goes out to you. I understand the feelings you are having based on what you said and emailed. T understands them too. He knows that this is a pattern for you and his saying "I want you to anaswer that question, you should already know the answer." is his way of helping you realize and verbalize what he has said to you concerning this matter in the past. My T will do this to me as well by saying something to me and then saying, "Now, tell me what you just heard me say." She wants me to say it outloud so that 1) I understood exactly what she was saying and if I didn't, she can correct me and 2) That it will register in my head in another way by me vocalizing out loud what she wants me to internalize.

Don't feel bad about emailing T. That is going to happen- and he knows it's going to happen. It's how you process what happens in therapy.

Thanks karebear your post really makes me feel better.

unaluna · Apr 06, 2012, 11:58 AM

how are you doing? when do you see T again? how did your sister's visit go, is she alright? I hope you're feeling better, feeling more "contained". maybe something like kacey's weighted blanket would help. I visited relatives in italy when I was in college, and at one home the memory of a very heavy bunch of quilts on the bed still stays with me. I do kind of always feel ke I could just fly off into space. at the end of sessions, I would move my foot to leave, but now T has started really clonking his boot down across my shin so I can't move as he delivers his Jerry Springer-type Final Thoughts - it makes me feel held, wanted, not so broken, crazy. it's all transference, but that's all right - as long as it fixes what's broken so we can eventually move on without the goofy stuff spilling over or leaking out.

lostmyway21 · Apr 06, 2012, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

how are you doing? when do you see T again? how did your sister's visit go, is she alright? I hope you're feeling better, feeling more "contained". maybe something like kacey's weighted blanket would help. I visited relatives in italy when I was in college, and at one home the memory of a very heavy bunch of quilts on the bed still stays with me. I do kind of always feel ke I could just fly off into space. at the end of sessions, I would move my foot to leave, but now T has started really clonking his boot down across my shin so I can't move as he delivers his Jerry Springer-type Final Thoughts - it makes me feel held, wanted, not so broken, crazy. it's all transference, but that's all right - as long as it fixes what's broken so we can eventually move on without the goofy stuff spilling over or leaking out.

Thanks for asking I'm doing a little better today. Very ashamed and embararssed for the way I behaved yesterday. I made bad choices and did things that amplified my feelings. I've must have apologized 10x already to T. I have therapy on Monday. I had pdoc today, and it went okay, T had spoken to pdoc last night and made it a lot easier for me to talk to pdoc today and do my med change. I'm still unsure and scared that T is mad at me but I asked him if he forgives me for last night and he replied "y" so I have to force myself to believe everything is okay. Last night the only thing that kept me calm was the warmth of my service dog laying against my chest, something he's been trained to do since he was a puppy. I feel contained today, I just wish I hadn't coped so horribly yesterday. I hate letting down T.

WePow · Apr 06, 2012, 12:21 PM

Trust your T and the relationship process. You are doing all you can to heal. That is all that is required. My T loves to remind me "We do not do shame."

unaluna · Apr 06, 2012, 12:32 PM

lost, your reply brought tears to my eyes, and I do not easily go there. I hope you can take wepow's words to heart. hugs.

lostmyway21 · Apr 06, 2012, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

lost, your reply brought tears to my eyes, and I do not easily go there. I hope you can take wepow's words to heart. hugs.

Aw I'm sorry Hankster. I am trying to take to take her advice to heart. I know my T cares for me and won't abandon me somewhere inside, but it's hard to trust and keep safe.