[mixedup_emotions]

Nevermind......

[CantExplain]

I'd like to hear it.

[Sannah]

Sorry you are struggling so much with this at the moment, MUE I think you are very brave to keep going back. If you want to share we are here to listen and support you . Can't Explain may be a particularly helpful listener given his good/bad group therapy experiences. Thinking of you

[mixedup_emotions]

Sorry....I just had a moment when I felt too vulnerable - especially when quoting what I posted on my group blog....and that I felt punished by being overlooked - which is what I am feeling at group at the moment. I know it doesn't fit for me here at PC, but those feelings just overwhelmed me....

Here's what I posted....

I've been having a difficult time speaking in group T lately....and I got a lot of pressure from group members during the last session. Most of the members were angry that I won't open up and that I don't trust them.

I felt awful. I felt frozen and cornered for so much of the session....

Ultimately, the focus did move off of me, thankfully, and it spurred discussion about what to do when needs aren't being met...and both sides of the equation in a relationship, etc....so good work was being done.

Towards the end of the session, I asked the group what they needed from me in order to stay connected with me, without pressuring me into disclosing. What's the compromise? Because at the moment, I am feeling like I need to either work super hard on not letting things affect me so that I can be there for other group members....Or, just accept that the relationships are damaged and move on. Unfortunately, there wasn't time left for people to respond...and it was suggested that we follow up on the group blog.

After group T, one member posted on our blog about my trust issue....and I responded with:

"I have spent most of my life in protection-mode, so the idea of being open and vulnerable - even to myself - feels life-threatening. I trust each person in group in different ways - some more than others. During my first year in group, I allowed the reactions of others to affect me deeply, without considering the idea that some of the ownership lies on the other person. After quite a struggle, this became a huge gain for me. But I find that knowing this, sometimes, still isn’t protection from feeling hurt. What I’m struggling with now is the huge resistance I feel within me to keep big feelings from surfacing. So many factors come in to play. My biggest obstacle is not believing that I could survive it. At the end of the day, I am the one who is stuck feeling the big feelings, and I am fearful that I won’t be okay. What starts out as one simple feeling connects with others, creating an interconnected web of yuck - and I’m scared of not being prepared for what paths it could lead to. At this point, it’s not so much about trusting people in group. It’s more so about trusting that I will be able to live with myself while allowing the awfulness to share my present space."

Of course, now it's crickets....No feedback, no acknowledgement, nothing. Someone posted a response to another person's post...bypassing mine.

It's ok. I doubt people understand where I'm coming from. If I'm not going to open up in group, perhaps I really just shouldn't be there.

I see T today, and I'm not really in the mood to talk....

[stopdog]

Groups sound kind of harsh for me. Is this your first one?

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, stopdog.....

I've been in this group for 3 years. 3 of the members have been there since I started - others have come and gone. It's gestalt based, so the main focus of the group is to express what you're feeling in the room, in the moment....so, when people are angry, they are encouraged to express it.

I think a lot of the members are just getting tired of waiting for me to open up and are distancing themselves from me because of it. And that ends up being something valuable for them to work on. In the meantime, I'm stuck with trying to find a balance to where I can still have close relationships with people without having to give up my right to keep certain things to myself.

[Sannah]

I really like what you wrote on the blog. It is very insightful. I'm thinking pull the bandaid off quickly. This slow pain that you are in, is it better?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Because at the moment, I am feeling like I need to either work super hard on not letting things affect me so that I can be there for other group members....Or, just accept that the relationships are damaged and move on.

No chance in you opening up?

[karebear1]

Do you not talk at all in group or is it just that you have things you don't want to talk about and the group is mad that you won't talk about those specific things? If so, how do they even know there are other things you should be talking about? (Please forgive my ignorance of how group works- I've never been in one)

Aren't you allowed to have your own private thoughts in this group and shouldn't they be respectful of them???

Wow, MUE, I'm so impressed by what you wrote on the blog! It is so insightful, thoughtful, and reflective--makes me think that I wish that you were in my group! You have a great handle on your processes and are very self-aware. Maybe you are just ahead of others in this way and they're not sure how to respond? YOU are doing great work, it's really evident to me and more important, I think it that it's evident to YOU.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I really like what you wrote on the blog. It is very insightful. I'm thinking pull the bandaid off quickly. This slow pain that you are in, is it better?

No chance in you opening up?

Thanks, Sannah....

With the bandaid analogy, I know that it's a choice. But it's hard to see that right now....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Do you not talk at all in group or is it just that you have things you don't want to talk about and the group is mad that you won't talk about those specific things? If so, how do they even know there are other things you should be talking about? (Please forgive my ignorance of how group works- I've never been in one)

Aren't you allowed to have your own private thoughts in this group and shouldn't they be respectful of them???

Oh, I definitely talk in group. I mostly respond/react to what other people say, provide insight, support, etc...and share very little about my own struggles.

What's happening at the moment, though, is that I had a very strong reaction in group - and instead of expressing it, I completely shut down for 2-3 weeks in group....so I wasn't reacting/responding to anything that was going on. It was like I was totally blocked off. And now, people are angry with me for not being involved in group...and for me not allowing them to help me work through what's causing me to shut down.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

Wow, MUE, I'm so impressed by what you wrote on the blog! It is so insightful, thoughtful, and reflective--makes me think that I wish that you were in my group! You have a great handle on your processes and are very self-aware. Maybe you are just ahead of others in this way and they're not sure how to respond? YOU are doing great work, it's really evident to me and more important, I think it that it's evident to YOU.

Aww, shucks....

That thought crossed my mind briefly as well...perhaps I'm too much for people or that they would have no idea how to possibly understand.

There have been times in group when I've opened up a little - and get nothing back....silence....and that's so difficult to endure.....

[mixedup_emotions]

I am hopeful that this will be a great learning opportunity, as awful as it feels....

** MAY TRIGGER **

Here's what comes to mind when I'm going through this...Say, a group of friends are getting massages and you joined them. Everyone strips down into their birthday suits - except you. You are wayyy too self-conscious to get THAT undressed. Everyone is getting mad because you're not participating.

You're thinking, "But wait, don't I have a right to set a boundary, to have limits? Can't I get a massage with my clothes on? Should that affect our relationship so drastically?"

But they're saying, "You came to a nude massage parlor, what do you expect?"

So, I see their point....leading me think that maybe I don't belong there anymore.

[granite1]

i think that is amazing what you posted and very brave MUE.i also love your analogy.i hope you will be able to bring it back to the group and be able to talk about boundaries and how this is all affecting you.MUE i always see you as being so brave.i know you are not always and maybe that is what the group is wanting to see just a little of.in small doses

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am hopeful that this will be a great learning opportunity, as awful as it feels....

** MAY TRIGGER **

Here's what comes to mind when I'm going through this...Say, a group of friends are getting massages and you joined them. Everyone strips down into their birthday suits - except you. You are wayyy too self-conscious to get THAT undressed. Everyone is getting mad because you're not participating.

You're thinking, "But wait, don't I have a right to set a boundary, to have limits? Can't I get a massage with my clothes on? Should that affect our relationship so drastically?"

But they're saying, "You came to a nude massage parlor, what do you expect?"

So, I see their point....leading me think that maybe I don't belong there anymore.

I see their point as well, BUT I also see yours MUE- why can't they? So what if you're not chiming in with your thoughts in group right now? What's the big deal? DO you have to behave as they do? (OK- here it comes..... tell me if this sounds familiar.) If they (as a group) choose to jump off a bridge do you have to follow them? Or do you have the right to withhold participating in that particular event because you feel it might endanger you somehow? So what if they don't like that you're not talking or reacting the way they want you to?

If this is what group T is all about, then I don't ever want to be in group T.

My vote goes to you Mue. You do what's best for you- and don't worry about the group in this situation.

Great insight, MUE! I'm thinking that perhaps some of the other group members are chewing on what you said. Don't give up on them responding. AND if they don't respond, how do you feel about writing another post about not getting any feedback from the other group members?

[Kacey2]

Hi Mue,
I can completely relate to what you said about having the group frustrated with you for not being open about yourself. I have been on both sides of that coin. Yes, I am like you in regards to being protective of myself and not sharing homework sheets. People in the group react to that by pulling away but it is not a process group so it really isn't an issue except that it feels bad. I too have been frustrated with people when they are saying things are not well with them but they are too vague. Then there is the third part which is when I feel that I support all these women and don't get anything in return from them when I need something. I love your analogy of the massage parlor but my question for you is.....When you joined your friends did you know you were going to a nude parlor? I really admire your perserverence with this group endeavor. I believe it is 10X's harder than individual therapy. If you don't get responses on the blog I say just blast them with more and more postings. I do hope that you can continue to keep swimming with this group and just remember that all relationships ebb and flow in closeness and farness and it is the ability to move with that that keeps us in long fulfilling relationships. If you can not see that with this group just consider it good practice for RL. Hugs KC

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by granite1

i think that is amazing what you posted and very brave MUE.i also love your analogy.i hope you will be able to bring it back to the group and be able to talk about boundaries and how this is all affecting you.MUE i always see you as being so brave.i know you are not always and maybe that is what the group is wanting to see just a little of.in small doses

Thanks, granite....

I had my individual T session today, and T helped me understand that what I endured during the group session was a trauma response. It's obviously something I need to work on because it's affecting my relationships. Blech.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by karebear1

I see their point as well, BUT I also see yours MUE- why can't they? So what if you're not chiming in with your thoughts in group right now? What's the big deal? DO you have to behave as they do? (OK- here it comes..... tell me if this sounds familiar.) If they (as a group) choose to jump off a bridge do you have to follow them? Or do you have the right to withhold participating in that particular event because you feel it might endanger you somehow? So what if they don't like that you're not talking or reacting the way they want you to?

If this is what group T is all about, then I don't ever want to be in group T.

My vote goes to you Mue. You do what's best for you- and don't worry about the group in this situation.

Thanks, karebear.....

I guess the point of it is that there is always two sides, valid needs/wants from each side, and that it takes work to strike a balance that works. During my T session today, T referred to my thinking as "black and white". It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's hard for me to understand that right now.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Great insight, MUE! I'm thinking that perhaps some of the other group members are chewing on what you said. Don't give up on them responding. AND if they don't respond, how do you feel about writing another post about not getting any feedback from the other group members?

Thanks, Jaybird....

I checked the blog and a couple people responded basically saying that they felt badly for how I'm feeling and that they are there for me. Not sure how that helps me, but I understand that it's complicated and people may be at a loss for how to respond or help....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Hi Mue,
I can completely relate to what you said about having the group frustrated with you for not being open about yourself. I have been on both sides of that coin. Yes, I am like you in regards to being protective of myself and not sharing homework sheets. People in the group react to that by pulling away but it is not a process group so it really isn't an issue except that it feels bad. I too have been frustrated with people when they are saying things are not well with them but they are too vague. Then there is the third part which is when I feel that I support all these women and don't get anything in return from them when I need something. I love your analogy of the massage parlor but my question for you is.....When you joined your friends did you know you were going to a nude parlor? I really admire your perserverence with this group endeavor. I believe it is 10X's harder than individual therapy. If you don't get responses on the blog I say just blast them with more and more postings. I do hope that you can continue to keep swimming with this group and just remember that all relationships ebb and flow in closeness and farness and it is the ability to move with that that keeps us in long fulfilling relationships. If you can not see that with this group just consider it good practice for RL. Hugs KC

Thanks, Kacey....

It feels good to know that you can relate, having been in a group therapy atmosphere. It IS so hard.

I honestly did not know what I was getting myself into when I first started this group. My T was originally our marriage counselor...and then when I was nearing divorce, he became my individual T. At that time, he suggested that I join group T and I dove right in.

But, 3 years later, you'd think I'd be more comfortable and more open by now. I told T today that I felt like I was given an ultimatum - and he said that it was black/white thinking. I feel SO stuck though and am having an incredibly difficult time seeing it any other way. Unfortunately, during the session, I started dissociating because of talking about having flashbacks...so embarrassing.

T really wants us to make some progress with trauma work....I'm scared.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

There have been times in group when I've opened up a little - and get nothing back....silence....and that's so difficult to endure.....

And this is when you tell them "this silence is so difficult to endure".

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Oh, I definitely talk in group. I mostly respond/react to what other people say, provide insight, support, etc...and share very little about my own struggles.

What's happening at the moment, though, is that I had a very strong reaction in group - and instead of expressing it, I completely shut down for 2-3 weeks in group....so I wasn't reacting/responding to anything that was going on. It was like I was totally blocked off. And now, people are angry with me for not being involved in group...and for me not allowing them to help me work through what's causing me to shut down.

It's difficult to know what to do when a group member seems to be left out. Do we wait for her to speak or encourage her to speak. If she doesn't feel like talking should we accept that or try to work out why she doesn't feel like talking? I sometimes felt guilty. Was I ignoring her, or making it difficult for her to speak? Is the group playing too rough, and would it help to be less open?

These days I would say, "MUE, I noticed you haven't said anything about yourself for a while. Is there anything I can do to make it easer for you to talk? You look worried and I'd like to hear about that."