[jenluv]

Does it work to not ask for things so you don't have to deal with the rejection? From T, primarily.

I always seem to take a deep breath and dive in and ask for what I want. It doesn't work. I can only think of one time when I got what I asked T for.

So it's an honest question, because I'm not done with T yet but I don't want to be so effing raw and rejected anymore either. Does it really work to not ask for what you want? Or does the not asking create worse problems of its own?

Originally Posted by jenluv

Does it work to not ask for things so you don't have to deal with the rejection? From T, primarily.

I always seem to take a deep breath and dive in and ask for what I want. It doesn't work. I can only think of one time when I got what I asked T for.

So it's an honest question, because I'm not done with T yet but I don't want to be so effing raw and rejected anymore either. Does it really work to not ask for what you want? Or does the not asking create worse problems of its own?

I am totally back to not asking for anything. And not sharing anything that feels even remotely "over the line." It feels much safer.

[Fixated]

Can you give any sort of example?

Our minds can trick us into thinking never asking is safer (I know mine does), but I do not really think it is best in the long run though. Do you and your T talk through what your requests are being denied? Does T know how much it has worn you down?

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I am totally back to not asking for anything. And not sharing anything that feels even remotely "over the line." It feels much safer.

I second that, I found that out the hard way with old t. There really is TMI or too much expressing of dependence on t.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by jenluv

Does it work to not ask for things so you don't have to deal with the rejection? From T, primarily.

I always seem to take a deep breath and dive in and ask for what I want. It doesn't work. I can only think of one time when I got what I asked T for.

So it's an honest question, because I'm not done with T yet but I don't want to be so effing raw and rejected anymore either. Does it really work to not ask for what you want? Or does the not asking create worse problems of its own?

Jenluv,
I am sorry to tell you that you should not ask for what you want from t and in fact you should not put anything extraordinary into that relationship. I would advise you to invest in something that can be returned. Asking my old t for things or crying over what I couldn't have broke the whole relationship. If I would have known that would happen I would have cut my tongue out like an avox.

I know you want to hear the flip side of this, Jenluv, you can do it, it will be alright but don't believe those people, it does not work. Just keeping it real and trying to save you some heartbreak.

[likelife]

I'm kind of with Kacey on this one. For awhile, asking for what I wanted felt helpful, even though I was sometimes told no. But more recently it's become clearer to me that my asking has become too much for my T.

That said, I do think it could potentially be helpful to talk with your T about your experience of asking.

People will say that it's not always about getting what you want, that the act of asking itself is important, especially if you're accustomed to not asking for what you want/need in life in general. I'm getting ready to call ******** on that though, because it really, really sucks to be rejected over and over again.

I don't really know if not asking works. I tried that my entire life and felt like it wasn't working, but I don't know that the alternative is any better.

Sorry I can't be of more help or more encouraging. Empathy for you though, that I have in spades.

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Can you give any sort of example?

Our minds can trick us into thinking never asking is safer (I know mine does), but I do not really think it is best in the long run though. Do you and your T talk through what your requests are being denied? Does T know how much it has worn you down?

T was supposed to have H and I down for two hours this Friday since we seldom get in to see him as a couple for marriage counseling. I've been struggling a lot with starting trauma therapy with T2 and wrote T to ask if one hour could be individual therapy and the second hour marriage therapy (instead of both marriage t). He replied that he only had us down for one hour. My H took off work for this session as H works two hours away. I emailed T back that he possibly forgot that we had decided on two hours instead of one hour, and would he have any time tomorrow for individual therapy since we only have one hour on Friday. As per usual form, he hasn't responded. And I knew he wouldn't.

We've talked about this type of thing a lot. I don't know if he knows how much it has worn me down. I don't know if he gets how fricking important all of this is to me. And his lack of response to me (which, by his own admission, has been calculated) just triggers the **** out of me.

[jenluv]

Kacey and likelife -- thank you.

Likelife -- I'm getting ready to call ******** on that as well. My family pattern has always been to ask and NOT receive -- pretty much ever. So I take a great risk when asking. The asking in and of itself isn't something I have a problem with -- it's being ignored and devalued that's the problem.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by jenluv

T was supposed to have H and I down for two hours this Friday since we seldom get in to see him as a couple for marriage counseling. I've been struggling a lot with starting trauma therapy with T2 and wrote T to ask if one hour could be individual therapy and the second hour marriage therapy (instead of both marriage t). He replied that he only had us down for one hour. My H took off work for this session as H works two hours away. I emailed T back that he possibly forgot that we had decided on two hours instead of one hour, and would he have any time tomorrow for individual therapy since we only have one hour on Friday. As per usual form, he hasn't responded. And I knew he wouldn't.

We've talked about this type of thing a lot. I don't know if he knows how much it has worn me down. I don't know if he gets how fricking important all of this is to me. And his lack of response to me (which, by his own admission, has been calculated) just triggers the **** out of me.

Dang. So you are asking for totally realistic things and your T is being a flake ( and on purpose sometimes). That is a tough shake to deal with. It has happened to me a few times but T has almost always seemed contrite.

I am sorry for your frustration.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by jenluv

Does it work to not ask for things so you don't have to deal with the rejection? From T, primarily.

I always seem to take a deep breath and dive in and ask for what I want. It doesn't work. I can only think of one time when I got what I asked T for.

So it's an honest question, because I'm not done with T yet but I don't want to be so effing raw and rejected anymore either. Does it really work to not ask for what you want? Or does the not asking create worse problems of its own?

My T would rather I asked and coped with her refusal.
Easy to say!

[unaluna]

That just sucks. Scheduling should NOT be an issue! I either put an appointment change in my phone IMMEDIATELY, with begin AND end times (sessions are 45 minutes) so i'm sure I have it right since my phone auto-schedules for an hour, and I ask T about 5 times, OR he writes an appointment card for me. If this were an ongoing issue, I would email him with a confirmation every time we scheduled. If T is not getting the appointments right, it's like he's not getting the MOST BASIC part of the job done, and he needs to go back to T school. It's just ridiculous. Smoke is coming out of my ears. I am so sorry this is going on for you.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by jenluv

We've talked about this type of thing a lot. I don't know if he knows how much it has worn me down. I don't know if he gets how fricking important all of this is to me. And his lack of response to me (which, by his own admission, has been calculated) just triggers the **** out of me.

Okay, WTF? He's not responding to you on purpose? AND he's screwing up the schedule. I think he gets a slap to the head for both of those.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by jenluv

T was supposed to have H and I down for two hours this Friday since we seldom get in to see him as a couple for marriage counseling. I've been struggling a lot with starting trauma therapy with T2 and wrote T to ask if one hour could be individual therapy and the second hour marriage therapy (instead of both marriage t). He replied that he only had us down for one hour. My H took off work for this session as H works two hours away. I emailed T back that he possibly forgot that we had decided on two hours instead of one hour, and would he have any time tomorrow for individual therapy since we only have one hour on Friday. As per usual form, he hasn't responded. And I knew he wouldn't.

We've talked about this type of thing a lot. I don't know if he knows how much it has worn me down. I don't know if he gets how fricking important all of this is to me. And his lack of response to me (which, by his own admission, has been calculated) just triggers the **** out of me.

This is appalling. There is nothing about his behavior that is therapeutic. I would feel diminished and would lose my `voice` in a situation like that. I would flat-out find another therapist, because his behavior would feel so destructive to me. Anf mind you, it is my impression that this is an example of his typical way of handling reasonable requests. It`s almost like he`s `trying` to create an angry reaction in you. grrrr

[granite1]

i have only been brave enough and able to ask for one thing one time and it was to have my appointment moved to a different day.it was horrible I'm just not good at risking being told no.i had to be in a very bad way to even consider asking anything. she went out of her way to do that for me. i still feel guilty about it because i have never told her the reason i asked because i think she would change her mind. it will be a long time before i can ask for anything else i don't want to push my luck.

i think your T is messing up badly if he isn't responding to even basic scheduling requests .at the very leas he should be able to give you some ways of coping if he has no openings.is there some other reasons that you stay with this T

[WikidPissah]

If you can't ask and get a reasonable reply then you need a new T. Scheduling appointments should never be too much to ask for. One time I asked T for an extra appt and he didn't have anything open, but we talked about it the following week and I was ok.

[peaches100]

My problem is a little bit different.

I ask indirectly for what i need (in email usually). But when I'm there in session and she offers (say, to sit next to me or if i need a hug), I say "Thanks, but I'm OK."

It sounds sort of passive agressive, but I don't think that's what it is. I want support and connection with her very badly. But when it comes down to having it, I'm afraid that I'll get too attached and it will be too hard down the road when we terminate.

Once in a great while I accept a gesture like a hug, but it's rare and is usually followed by feelings of anxiety.

I'm so scared of letting her mean too much and then losing her.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm so scared of letting her mean too much and then losing her.

yeah but you're not gonna marry her - it's more like she's gonna walk you down the aisle and hand you off to your new life I wouldn't even let my dad walk me down the aisle when I got married, I had him and my mom walk together, and I walked up by myself. wow, that was weird! but it felt more truthful to me, and the priest backed me up on it.

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by likelife

Okay, WTF? He's not responding to you on purpose? AND he's screwing up the schedule. I think he gets a slap to the head for both of those.

Yeah. I called him in serious crisis/fear early last week and he never called back. When we met on Friday he said it was because he didn't get my message until 9pm and calling at that time was beyond his boundaries. But then he didn't call back AT ALL.

Needless to say, I haven't heard from him today. That worked out okay because my daughter is home from school sick today -- but yeah, wtf?

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by granite1

I think your T is messing up badly if he isn't responding to even basic scheduling requests .at the very leas he should be able to give you some ways of coping if he has no openings.is there some other reasons that you stay with this T

Yeah, attachment. And I'm watching all of my issues play out with him (see "My mother is a 32 year old man" post). They don't play out with T2 as I haven't developed any attachment to him yet -- but thank God for T2 or I'd be completely unglued.

I told T1 in session that I was up **** creek without a paddle. He said, "But you're swimming." I said, "Yeah, thanks for cheering me on. But I need someone to get in here with me. You're not in here with me. Either that or you're wearing a **** brown colored wetsuit and are completely camouflaged."