[Rapunzel]

I'm scared. I thought I was trying. I feel like I can't get anything right. T said she was just about ready to give up on me and that I could add her to my list of therapist I have defeated.

Last email from her:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Quote removed. It was inappropriate to post a private communication here, even from a person who is not a member of this site. I am sorry.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Am I really not doing enough? Is she expecting too much of me? Help! Maybe I don't deserve to get better.

Rap

[Fuzzybear]

I am so sorry Rap! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I see you as trying very hard. Maybe this just isn't the right T for you after all

((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

PS I just PMd you, I will think of a better response tomorrow, hoping my brain will be working better Maybe suggest you take a short break from therapy? Then YOU will be making a choice

[gardenergirl]

Rapunzel,
I'm sorry about your struggle. Therapy is so hard, and it sounds particularly upsetting right now. And your T certainly does sound frustrated and maybe is feeling helpless right now. That said, I'm not sure I agree with the things she says in her email. I don't know what your therapy relationship is like or what she's like. I can only view this through my own experience and education. But I think she's crossed a boundary here by telling you so much of how this is affecting her. She sounds a bit burned out, and if she is, I seriously doubt it's all from you. I guess it makes me a bit mad that she seems to be placing the responsibility for her feelings on you.

I hope you two can work through this and come to a place where you both share a common vision and hope for the outcome.

Therapy's hard. (I guess I believe that enough to need to repeat it.) And it's scary. It's scary to change. This I know. I'm going through my own conflicts and regression related to approaching termination of my own therapy. Who knew that getting better would feel so threatening? Sigh. But it is. Change and the unknown are a risk and are scary. I guess I'm saying it's okay to be afraid or unsure about trying something you might advise someone else to do.

I've got a couple of other thoughts, but I don't want to write a novel here, and it may be me going into problem-solving mode when that's not what you are looking for. So feel free to PM me if you want to talk a bit about this.

Take care,

gg

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))

We've discussed this before, but I want to say it publicly...Inappropriate with a capital "I".

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. So many times my t has had to hear the same story 100 times, at different aspects and finally it started clicking...after YEARS. It takes alot of time sometimes.

I think this one's on your t. I'm so sorry.

Love,

KD

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Fuzzy, GG, KD)))))))))))

Thanks so much for your replies. You know what I want the most? I just want her to like me and think that I'm an okay person. And I'm scared that she hates me and thinks that I'm bad.

Rap

[kimmydawn]

Well, I don't know ANYONE who wouldn't feel like they'd done something horrible based on her reply...her being the t.

(((((((((((((wendy)))))))))))))

kd

[gardenergirl]

I can't speak for her, but I'm sure she doesn't think that. I know I don't think that about you. And I think we all worry about that from time to time. But her email certainly is not reassuring about that. I hope that whatever might be going on with her gets resolved or at least gets pulled back out of your therapy space.

(((((rapunzel)))) (I just love that name!)

gg

[(JD)]

(((((RAP))))) that post is NOT about YOU. It's about HER. Step back from it a bit... she is projecting onto you what is in HER life! She's reach a breaking point in her life... and it has nothing to do with you, IMNSHPO!!!!!!

Step back away slowly... make no sudden moves. Then get away quickly.

I'm sorry you had to share what should be a private communication, but of course, email therapy isn't considered private anyway.

Perhaps you feel the connection because she has been building this rather skewed (my latest favorite word) relationship to fit HER mind. I think you've been used.

Now, I would consider the therapy relationship over...unless...you wish to counsel HER! She appears to be asking for help. I'm sorry, I don't think you can do much for yourself in this at all. Can you step away, and consider what needs to be done for her, what would you do if you were the therapist's advisor here? You are under no obligation to take care of your T, but it would be good training to figure out a solution to get her help...

AGAIN, this is NOT about you... ((((hugs)))) Please seek immediately professional help to deal with this upset... IRL...even if it is 2 hours away. You need a live, breathing, balanced psychologist, impo. Please. Trust me on this one. PM me as needed.

[kimmydawn]

Rap,

I want to add what a caring, thoughtful person you are.

Let me pose this to you...how would you respond to me if I'd posted that? Please consider that same response for yourself, knowing the same is what you should want, do need and deserve.

Much respect,

kd

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Rap

Let me first say that you are a wonderful person and do help yourself to the best of your ability, otherwise you wouldn't seek out therapy or talk to us here. I usually don't come to this forum but saw the subject.

I am APPAULED at what your T wrote!!!!! How dare she accuse you of not helping yourself and dragging your kids down with you!!! TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. KD is right, it is about HER and not about YOU! My T has heard the same stuff as I'm sure many others have. Sometimes we get stuck in therapy and it's their job (we pay them as a consumer) to help us get unstuck.

She made you feel like a bad person?! What kind of a therapist is that? I'm sorry, I am proboblly speaking out of line, but she's got me all upset for treating you like that! How dare she!

I think you are right, time to find a therapist who is about you, not her. Sounds like she is inadequate as to what to do next and is taking it out on you. Wrong!

I realize that we all develop relationships with out T's, that's just part of the trust issue and I'm sorry if I am hurting you by being negative about your T. Really I am. Feeling disliked by someone we have a relationship with is very upsetting. But she's got me upset for treating you like that.

Maybe it's time to find someone else. It doesn't matter how many therapists you've had in the past. Sometimes it takes a couple for find the right fit. Ask yourself some questions when querring for a new one: does this one have a specialty in my particular mental health issue? what kind of therapist are they i.e. social worker, psychologist, therapist - try a male therapist instead.

I'm so sorry she did this to you. I've read some of your posts to others and some of your own. You are a terrific person and it is easier to help others than to help ourselves. For a year, my T has been trying to get me to see that what I do is important and helpful and that I have the knowledge - it just doesn't "click" when it comes to myself. There's a barrier that we're working through. But, he sees that and doesn't accuse me of not wanting to get better. We just try a different way. I still can't get it through my head that I am allowed to make choices for myself. Oh, well, we're working on it. He's a trauma specialist because that's what I found out I needed.

Does your T work with CBT? This "shock" thing that she did wasn't very sensitive and only seemed to be hurtful.

I hope and pray that you don't take what she said to heart, I know it's hard not to, Lord knows I did. I felt like I was being attacked as well!

Okay, I'm done because I'm just repeating myself. Please please please don't fall into her issues by beating up on yourself. Send her a reply e-mail and tell her how hurtful she was and how it made you feel. See what her response will be. That might be a good place to start. It may show you that she was having a bad day (in which case, she never should have taken it out on you - as a professional she should have had more control). If you have a bad day, do you take it out on us? If someone here posted a reply to someone, would you have deleted it? I think you would have because it was inappropriate, as was she.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Rap.
Songbird

[Fuzzybear]

I have been there too, and the more I think about this the more appalled I feel too. I am angry on your behalf!!!

She has ABUSED you.

(just imnsho)

[January]

Oh Wendy! I'm so sorry.

((((((((((((((( Wendy ))))))))))))))

If there is anything at all I can do, just let me know.

Hugs,

Jan

[funnygirl]

Rapunzel

From what I have read on this thread, your Therapist is in the wrong job!!!

All my good wishes.

FG

[wisewoman]

Wendy, I know what you have shared about deepest trust issues and this woman has capitalized. She even appears to have broken a few laws. Good luck. She needs some drugs and quick!!!!

(((( Rapunzel ))))

She's so wrong.

It's like you're trying to build a new house for yourself, and she just threw the tools at you but never taught you how to use them.

And now she's frustrated because your still trying to figure out how to build the foundation.

All the advice given here is excellent.

It's NOT your fault.

Petunia

[kimmydawn]

Petunia, what an awesome analogy. Agreed wholeheartedly. That makes it black in white in a very understandable way...something you're very gifted at doing.

kd

[Fuzzybear]

good post ((((( leaf )))))

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Fuzzy

[allthegirls6]

Rapunzel,

I read your post and was struck by your Ts words. I know everyone is saying she has abused you, and they probably are right in a way. But sometimes relationships go wrong in T, for what ever reasons. We can find that we push our T to make things better. That we test our T to see if they will stay. Sometimes we can get so embroiled in the relationship (often the most important one in our lives) and get carried away with the small details and forget the bigger picture.

Im saying this because the relationship I have with my T is going through a crisis at the moment, truth is it has been in crisis for some time. And i have pushed her to the edge, made demands and oh I could go on. What im saying is that it might be that something of what you are doing in the relationship with your T has brought you both to this place.

When I read your Ts message it reads to me like a person who is exhaused, a person who has been trying, a person who is at a loss. It may mean that you guys have to sit down and have some real open conversations, some home truths. What is it you want from T and can she really give you it? It may well be that she cant but maybe you could work on what it means for you.

Im not saying you have done anything wrong to your T or that you deserve to be treated badly. Its just that if the relationship is important, and I suspect it is, then its definatley worth saving, but it might mean you may just have to give up some of your hopes on what you want from her.

If i have got this all wrong then im sorry. It just seems a bit similar to whats happening with my T at the moment and I thought I would share it.

Lots of love anbd best wishes always

atg

[Rapunzel]

Thanks so much for all the support and perspectives. I need to write back to you all individually, but I shouldn't take the time to do that right now because I'm at work. I didn't even feel like coming to work today. Petunia, your analogy with building a house and having the tools thrown at me really puts it in perspective.

T wrote back again this morning and says that I use and mistreat and destroy people. I never want to do any of that. I wish she could be more positive. But it's all my own fault because I don't respond to positive stuff. I throw it back on her face and say that I don't believe it. Or at least I did before. I don't want to do that either.

I ought to be able to find my own way and not need help, especially "using people." I should be able to apply what I know to myself.

Am I really that bad?

I found a kind of therapy that sounds good, and part of it actually sounds a lot like what she's done some of the time. http://www.dnmsinstitute.com/dnms-summary.html Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy Therapy. It deals with ego states and some EMDR stuff, and is supposed to be gentle. T isn't gentle. She told me we're back to 2x4 therapy now. That's apparently what it takes to get my attention.

Well, you guys are wonderful and I don't know what I would do without you. Please don't stop. I need this support right now.

Rap

[Fuzzybear]

wow, I thought my former T was mean... and he was. Your T is totally out of line saying that. If it was me I would give her the boot NOW!

Sounds to me like bullying rather than therapy.

I have said many of the same things you are saying here. T told me that it is OK to need. That those who are worried that they are not trying are usually the ones who are trying hardest. I've told Ts that I don't believe the good things they and others say about me. They have helped me to see the comments as well meant and challenged me to find evidence that they are not true and evidence that they are true. I know how hard it is. imo, for your T to use the words you have reported here is harmful rather than helpful. I do see what atg is saying, but I think the words you report go further than a T who is challenging you to success. those words are negative and destructive. I hope you will feel able to look for a second opinion at least.
Be safe

[allthegirls6]

Rapunzel,

I think for your T to write back and say you use and mistreat people is really quite out of order. I was thinking that maybe you guys could sort things out. But it seems harsh and very unhelpful for a T to send something like that.

Atg

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Holy Cannoli! She said YOU were destructive? What about HER?

Honeybunch, I think you need to look at this long and hard because it looks to me, from what I've seen, that this T is not a good thing. It reads like a cat fight. She's throwing stones at you.

I hope it works out. Keep us posted. By working out, I don't mean making up, she's been too hurtful.

Songbird

[gardenergirl]

That's just so wrong. Personally, I don't know if I could ever have a 2X4 in my therapy toolkit. I'm really having a hard time trying to figure out just how her words are supposed to be therapeutic.

I really don't like to be critical of othes' therapists, but sheesh. That's really got to hurt, and again, I don't see how it can help.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

gg

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

All I read was up to the part where she said that on her crying all day and that made me think...wow so not normal ..I cannot imagine my T saying that to me. Maybe you frustrated her but ummm they are suppose to hide that from you ...