[Wren_]

How do you ...

honestly, openly

really face emotions

the good ones and the hard ones

without distracting, without escapism, without replacing one emotion for another

without trying to change your thinking patterns or labelling the emotion as either good or bad

what does facing it mean?

this has come up in therapy a bit but I'd really like to hear what others have to say and what your experience of addressing emotions has been like in therapy and outside

not good with emotions

[rainbow_rose]

my therapist used words like 'distress tolerance' ... but all i heard was 'blah blah blah'. nothing she said really helped. i kinda had to work it out on my own.

what helped me was knowing what i felt in my body when the emotion came to the service. i have identified what fear feels like in my body... and when i sense that feeling in my body ('cause sometimes I'll feel that before the emotion)... i make a conscious effort to not fight it. maybe i allow myself to feel it for 5 seconds. ... the next time... maybe 10... being in the emotions is not fun, but i've discovered that it does get easier and doesn't hurt as long if I just allow the emotions instead of resisting the emotions when they come up.

my therapist says that it is the resistance that causes more pain that the emotion itself... it magnifies it.

hope my blathering here helped some (or at least made sense)

[eskielover]

The DBT group I am involved in, points out that all emotions are necessary......the bad ones are red flags to tell us that some kind of action is necessary to resolve the problem that is causing the negative emotion (fear, anger, shame, etc)........good emotions help counter the negative ones & can be used to help regulate them.

It's important to understand your emotions you experience.......which starts off with an awareness of them & then describing them & then working on understanding what their purpose is (what problem are they telling you needs to be resolved)......not that easy to do because emotions are complex & our understanding of them without help is difficult.

You can reduce your vulnerability through that understanding & learn to let go of painful emotions without holding onto them after the fact for longer than the situation calls for.......can also change painful emotions through opposite actions....like watching a funny movie when you are sad or angry just to get your feelings in a different direction.

There is always some event that causes our emotion....it's good to identify that because then you can focus more on what emotion is truly tied to it & not something that is a secondary emotion like feeling guilty for feeling angry.

Emotions actually come as waves because they come with experiencing a situation.....it's when we get stuck holding onto the emotion that it becomes a mood.

There's a lot more to our emotions than what I have touched on here.....you might want to google (or whatever you use) DBT emotional regulation & do some more reading on emotions to get a better feel for it.

Will try to get back with more, but need to get some sleep tonight because we have a friend who is having outpatient knee surgery tomorrow morning & it's quite a drive to the city from my farm.....no sleep last night from all the emotions & wise mind trying to solve some problems in my life I'm too exhausted to put my thoughts together very well right now.......

Your T is right in some ways....but it's important to acknowledge the emotion & understand it first before letting go of it & dwelling on the the feelings isn't good....acknowledging them is good........& the behavior should be that of resolving what caused the negative emotion....not acting in a negative way on a negative emotion.

Like I said....there is just so much more to emotions....might be a good thing for you to read what you can find online about it & hopefully others will have some input also.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

my therapist used words like 'distress tolerance' ... but all i heard was 'blah blah blah'. nothing she said really helped. i kinda had to work it out on my own.

what helped me was knowing what i felt in my body when the emotion came to the service. i have identified what fear feels like in my body... and when i sense that feeling in my body ('cause sometimes I'll feel that before the emotion)... i make a conscious effort to not fight it. maybe i allow myself to feel it for 5 seconds. ... the next time... maybe 10... being in the emotions is not fun, but i've discovered that it does get easier and doesn't hurt as long if I just allow the emotions instead of resisting the emotions when they come up.

my therapist says that it is the resistance that causes more pain that the emotion itself... it magnifies it.

hope my blathering here helped some (or at least made sense)

it helps, thanks ... how long should we actually stay in these feelings for do you think? as in, right now it might be only a few seconds but ideally how long are people meant to that helps also with resistance magnifying things

Originally Posted by eskielover

The DBT group I am involved in, points out that all emotions are necessary......the bad ones are red flags to tell us that some kind of action is necessary to resolve the problem that is causing the negative emotion (fear, anger, shame, etc)........good emotions help counter the negative ones & can be used to help regulate them.

It's important to understand your emotions you experience.......which starts off with an awareness of them & then describing them & then working on understanding what their purpose is (what problem are they telling you needs to be resolved)......not that easy to do because emotions are complex & our understanding of them without help is difficult.

You can reduce your vulnerability through that understanding & learn to let go of painful emotions without holding onto them after the fact for longer than the situation calls for.......can also change painful emotions through opposite actions....like watching a funny movie when you are sad or angry just to get your feelings in a different direction.

There is always some event that causes our emotion....it's good to identify that because then you can focus more on what emotion is truly tied to it & not something that is a secondary emotion like feeling guilty for feeling angry.

Emotions actually come as waves because they come with experiencing a situation.....it's when we get stuck holding onto the emotion that it becomes a mood.

There's a lot more to our emotions than what I have touched on here.....you might want to google (or whatever you use) DBT emotional regulation & do some more reading on emotions to get a better feel for it.

Will try to get back with more, but need to get some sleep tonight because we have a friend who is having outpatient knee surgery tomorrow morning & it's quite a drive to the city from my farm.....no sleep last night from all the emotions & wise mind trying to solve some problems in my life I'm too exhausted to put my thoughts together very well right now.......

Your T is right in some ways....but it's important to acknowledge the emotion & understand it first before letting go of it & dwelling on the the feelings isn't good....acknowledging them is good........& the behavior should be that of resolving what caused the negative emotion....not acting in a negative way on a negative emotion.

Like I said....there is just so much more to emotions....might be a good thing for you to read what you can find online about it & hopefully others will have some input also.

thanks I hope your friends surgery all proceeds well tomorrow and you can sleep. I tried reading some dbt things and started to do an online course but promptly failed it by being overcome by not being able to do the exercises or rather deciding they were beyond me. I'll take another look at them and go back over what you wrote as well; really is lots to them

[KazzaX]

I don't think its possible without years of therapy. Defense mechanisms are unconscious. Therefore you cannot manipulate them when they arise. I have a few conscious ones that I also use, that do the trick. Like right now, it feels like acid is leeching out of my heart and through my pores for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Its not very nice, is unnecessary and irritating. So I do a few swallowing motions and say to myself in my mind "suck it downnnn!" (its a line from a video game i used to play, lol) and bam... feelings gone. But other defense mechanisms I do without knowing, and they are so good that I don't even notice I had a feeling in the first place. Problem solved.

I know that if i just let myself feel these unnecessary emotions for 5 seconds, there would be dead people on my street. Dead people leads to jail, and then we all know what happens after that. Its called harm minimization. And all for what? I would have gone to jail for no reason. Why go to jail when you can just use your coping mechanisms to your advantage?

[Wren_]

Now I'm more confused because that makes so much sense also especially if feeling tge emotion would prompt that kind of response. Interesting about the unconscious defense mechanisms ... I know some things I do but they are more obvious things hmm
Thanks

[Butterflies Are Free]

Well, I think that the more you are able to share with safe people, the easier it will become. Just today I read a letter/drawing that my inner child wrote to my T(I had a session today) about her vacation next week. I felt very vulnerable at first and even had some tightness show up in my chest/diaphragm. I sat with these body sensations while talking and staying connected to my T and it was hard to do! In the end, my anxiety level dropped and I was able to look my T in the eye. I felt heard and understood. Try small steps with one or two safe people - I will be thinking about you!

[Wren_]

So it was having that connection that helped change the intensity of the feelings?

thanks butterflies

[kiki86]

my group T talks about "sitting with the emotions and learning to tolerate them". i honestly still have no idea what that actually involves.

Good question. The other replies have been interesting. I can only try to answer how it is with me. To me, facing an emotion means not running away from it but feeling it. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy with this as I've tended to only allow myself to feel the emotions that either make sense or that I classify as OK - the other ones I've tried to shove back down.

So I'm trying to allow myself to feel any emotion that comes up without judging it. But of course there's a difference between feeling and acting. I may suddenly feel so angry that I want to take a hatchet and knock a few holes in the living room wall. But I can FEEL this without actually DOING it.

One trick I've learned is to let the emotion flow through me. In other words, I don't let my body catch it and hold onto it - I don't want an emotion to "stick" in my body. I let it pass through. It doesn't lessen the intensity at all, but knowing that it's moving through, and that at some point it will pass, helps make it bearable. It works really well for sorrow and pain. And while this is happening, I try to figure out where it's coming from. If it's obvious, like a friend died, this is no big deal. But I experience intense emotions where I'm not sure where they're coming from. So I try to figure it out. And therapy is helping tremendously in working on where the inappropriate or unknown emotions are coming from.

Like someone else said, it's easier to just feel it than try to hold it back. That just messes you up, because there's a reason you're feeling the emotion. It's trying to tell you something. And ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. It'll just come back again, and again, and again....

My two cents. I know I'm weird, but I guess we all figure out different ways to cope.

[kiki86]

One trick I've learned is to let the emotion flow through me. In other words, I don't let my body catch it and hold onto it - I don't want an emotion to "stick" in my body. I let it pass through. It doesn't lessen the intensity at all, but knowing that it's moving through, and that at some point it will pass, helps make it bearable. It works really well for sorrow and pain.

but how do you do this? i mean what do you actually do to make it "flow through you".

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by kiki86

but how do you do this? i mean what do you actually do to make it "flow through you".

You start by not ruminating on it......thinking about it over & over & over again......when you feel an emotion, you observe that you are feeling it & describe it to yourself.....identify the event that caused the emotion, what you feel is changing & define your action urge. With all that information, you are better at controlling not acting on the urge. When you Id the emotion, then you can better know what to do to handle it, if there is a situation you need to change, or a way of looking at something that isn't correct. When you find yourself in a negative emotion, try to find something that you can do to get one of your positive emotions to take over, watch a movie, go outside, take a walk....listen to music.......go play with your dog especially if you find your mind wandering back to that negative emotions after the situation has passed.

There is so much to emotions & so much different information....one would write a huge novel on it & still have more to say because of all the possibilities & things that we can do to keep the negative ones from taking over & enjoy the good.....there are so many options because is all so individual.

Originally Posted by kiki86

but how do you do this? i mean what do you actually do to make it "flow through you".

I mean I don't fight it - I let it happen. I feel all there is to feel. It's hard to explain. Maybe this example will help. I had to have an MRI a few months ago, and I'm not exactly clausttrophobic I wasn't at all happy about being in such a closed space for so long. I talked about it with T and he said that the way he handled stuff like that was to think of being somewhere else, like at the beach, and concentrate on that. Just go somewhere else for a while.

I was going to do that, but when it actually started I found I was fascinated by the sounds the machine was making, because the second scan sounded different than the first one. So rather than go somewhere else in my mind, I completely gave in to the experience. I listened to the rhythmn and the patterns of the sounds, and how they varied in intensity. I was aware of how my body felt, how things smelled, the hardness of the table, how I was breathing. I imagined those little rays or whatever they are going through my body but of course there was no pain at all. I just sort of became one with the machine and experienced it totally. It was almost a relaxing experience - except for the noise.

So I guess I mean letting the emotion flow through is to experience it completely, just give yourself up to it, don't fight it at all, let it go, become one with it in a way, and let it pass through. I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but I'm alone in this world and I've had to learn how to cope on my own. I figured this out for myself and it works for me. At least I survive.

[geez]

I face my emotions openly and honestly by making myself completely vulnerable in spite of fear. But first I have to completely trust my T. I can do this in therapy easier than IRL.

PS - I have trauma issues and my mind automatically shuts my feelings down as a type of 'protection'. Sometimes emotions bubble up from out of nowhere.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I was going to do that, but when it actually started I found I was fascinated by the sounds the machine was making, because the second scan sounded different than the first one. So rather than go somewhere else in my mind, I completely gave in to the experience. I listened to the rhythmn and the patterns of the sounds, and how they varied in intensity. I was aware of how my body felt, how things smelled, the hardness of the table, how I was breathing. I imagined those little rays or whatever they are going through my body but of course there was no pain at all. I just sort of became one with the machine and experienced it totally. It was almost a relaxing experience - except for the noise.

i would describe that as being mindful. what a wonderful example!

[Chopin99]

All the replies are really good, but I want to find out how to actually feel the emotion in the first place. The only emotions I feel are fear, melancholy(?), contentment, and mild happiness. I cannot seem to access joy, sadness, or anger. I guess it's good that I now feel melancholy, contentment, and some happiness, because last year at this time, all I felt was fear.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

All the replies are really good, but I want to find out how to actually feel the emotion in the first place. The only emotions I feel are fear, melancholy(?), contentment, and mild happiness. I cannot seem to access joy, sadness, or anger. I guess it's good that I now feel melancholy, contentment, and some happiness, because last year at this time, all I felt was fear.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, too. I was just telling T today that I know I should be angry, but I just don't feel angry. He looked at me and said, "Yet." So, I guess it's coming.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

All the replies are really good, but I want to find out how to actually feel the emotion in the first place. The only emotions I feel are fear, melancholy(?), contentment, and mild happiness. I cannot seem to access joy, sadness, or anger. I guess it's good that I now feel melancholy, contentment, and some happiness, because last year at this time, all I felt was fear.

I get this. One of my biggest problems is shutting down emotionally. And when that happens, I'm just dead. I don't feel anything. I hate it!!! And I know it's because I'm blocking the emotions. They're there, but I've got walls or safeguards that are containing them. It's gotta be my unconscious because I can't control it.

So I think the key to feeling the emotion is to figure out what's blocking it rather than trying to go in search of it. For some reason, it's not safe to feel that emotion. So why not? What would happen if you DID feel it? I've had some minor success using this approach, but it's tough sledding. Talking about the emotion with T, focusing on it, looking at it from all different angles. I dunno ... I'm pretty numb emotionally right now and disgusted with myself because of it. Bah.

[sittingatwatersedge]

how do I? not good at it. Pour me one more, please.

I am really bad at facing emotions. Probably part of the reason we developed DID. I just cant handle much emotionally. When my t tries to get me to deal with my feelings, i wimp out, and i switch and let another alter handle it.

[eskielover]

I have found that I let my emotional mind let me know there's a problem I have to take care of.....something that has made me angry, or whatever emotion......then I switch to my logical mind to solve the problem.....I get so stuck in my logical mind that it ends up exhausted trying to solve the problem & the control of the logical mind can be just as bad as the control of the emotional one.

A thought on when you feel a lack of emotions....sometimes the meds they use to control depression & anxiety issues do shut down our ability to feel the emotions we need to feel to be able to handle our life the way we need to........don't know if that can also be part of the problem for those who say they are not feeling the emotions...just something to look at also.

[KazzaX]

Depression and anxiety are also emotions (fear and sadness I presume). So you are saying to get rid of depression and anxiety you have to just sit there and let them consume you? really FEEL the depression?

Not a good idea!

[eskielover]

NO.....the object to emotions is that they are our minds red flag to the fact that there is a problem that needs to be resolved in our life......when we sit down & understand those emotions, what they are that are making us feel the depression & anxiety. Only then can we really resolve the depression & the anxiety....that is assuming that the depression is caused by a situation & not strictly a chemical imbalance in the brain. If that, we still have to understand the emotions we are feeling so that we can better cope with the things that life throws at us while still trying to combat the chemical imbalance.

[elliemay]

Personally, I think it takes a lot of self discipline - which is a skill that can be learned.

As indicated in this thread, I, too had emotions about emotions. I was scared of being sad, then scared of being scared, then mad about being scared etc... It's a feed forward mechansim that grows and grows.

In the middle of the feed forward mechanism is the idea that we will, somehow, become completely overwhelmed by what we are feeling. Inundated, obliterated. Things can feel that strong and trigger very very old memories of when we felt that way in the past - where we could become obliterated. In order to avoid this, we *had* to shut down.

However, we are not in the past anymore. With each emotion we feel - each blow, each disappointment etc.... and are NOT overwhelmed, we develop confidence to feel the next one. It's kind of like exposure therapy for emotion.

From this confidence we can then develop the ability to step outside of our emotions and look at them for what they are - emotions, feelings, proof that we can still engage with and be affected (in good and "bad" ways) by what has transpired around us.

The "step out" is the step that requires the most self discipline. I think that has to occur.

When we do this, we can then begin to learn what that emotion is telling us. What is it trying to teach us? For instance, grief can be an overwhelming thing. It sadness on steroids really. However, what function does grief serve? I think it is a reminder of the fullness of an experience, the joy we felt in it, the love we extended. We are human, we mourn our losses. Grief reminds us of that experience, it connects us to love.

So.. I think, when *we* think about openly and rationally about emotions, we remove their power to overwhelm us. We can move into them rather than hide from them.

Ultimately this leads to the ability to fully connect to our lives and the experience of them. It is true freedom from fear.

One of my mantras has become "oh yeah, this may suck, but I'm going to do it anyway". Most of the time I have realized it never sucks as badly as I thought.

[Perna]

I try to separate the emotions from the thoughts about them. Usually thoughts about emotions are not very helpful, are judgmental in the negative and tip the balance so I can't think well about the emotion and use it to help me.

Stating the emotion and making sure I am clear what it is and where it is coming from, without judging it helps me. "I am crying because I am afraid my husband is going to leave me". I then "know" I am afraid my husband is going to leave me (a future event, which a lot of fear is about) and I can think about what I can do to in the meantime so he does not. I ask myself questions like, "Why do I think my husband might leave me, what evidence do I have to support that belief?" or, "Where is the fear located in my husband leaving me, am I afraid I cannot care for myself, am I afraid of the future? Have others left me before and my thoughts and feelings are creating an expected pattern that may/may not be there?"

I try to figure out exactly what the feeling and my thoughts are telling me, what the real problem is, and then I look for ways to work on that problem. I think about what I know of my husband (I know mine loves me and he acts like it so any thought he might be leaving me would be coming from my own thoughts and fears, not "reality") and maybe I discuss my thoughts and feelings with him. Maybe I'm unsure so I discuss my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, get an independent second take on the situation. Maybe, in thinking about why I am feeling what I am feeling, I realize that my best friend's husband just left her and I'm reacting to that.

Figuring out what I am feeling, putting a name to it and reasonable reason and thinking about where it came from and what I can do to help feel better, all those things are positive actions. Avoiding what I am feeling and trying to get away from it or giving up and crying in frustration or fear are also actions but not helpful to me. Sometimes I can get out of a nasty feeling by looking at what I am "doing" and asking myself, "Is what I am doing with this feeling right now helpful to me?"

I remember when I decided to go up on my apartment building's roof to sunbathe and had my chair, towel, glass of soda, etc. and my arms were full before I got out of my apartment. I stuck the glass rim in my teeth and the glass, being cheap, broke and I grabbed for it and jerked it such that it cut my lip and soda went all over the place, etc. My response? Sit down and start to cry Eventually I realized that wasn't getting me any closer to my goal, and that, eventually, I'd have to clean up the mess anyway. So, I got up, cleaned up the mess, got another drink and figured out a better way to deal with all I wanted to carry.

I needed to sit down and cry at that moment but have since learned to deal better with my disappointments. No one else can make me feel better, that's not their job; their job is to make themselves feel good. But, I have to be aware that I am disappointed, that I am sad, hurt, frustrated, angry, whatever before I can think about it. We don't just deal with words in therapy, they are the "language" of life; we cannot "do" without thinking and that includes being aware of, thinking about, and expressing in words (to ourselves, but we practice with our T, until we are confident we can get it right), what we are feeling. You cannot think well about what you are feeling if you do not have that feeling identified and in words. And you can't take action on your thoughts until you know what they are.

Take: "I am crying because I am afraid my husband is going to leave me".

I am crying. What good does that do you?
I am afraid. What good does that do you?

You have to put the feeling and the thoughts together until they "fit" like puzzle pieces.

"I am crying because I think my husband might leave me" doesn't do it; I think I see purple polka dots, why would I cry about that? You have to have a feeling to cry, not a thought. I think my husband might leave me, I think I'll have heartburn if I eat that piece of pizza. A thought is just a thought.

My feeling is, "I feel my husband might leave me." What does that feel like? Where does it come from? You have to then think about that feeling, put it in words, get it clear.

"I feel my husband might leave me" feels scary because I feel I cannot exist alone. Hmm. thinking about that, do I need to work on my self esteem or do I need to take action so I can exist alone or if my feeling even valid; what evidence do I have that my husband might leave me?

Feeling to thought to action to feeling to thought to action, etc. We go from inside ourselves to outside, in a circle, like locomotive wheels, to move forward in our lives.