[SoupDragon]

T has tried without success to get me to be with my inner child, younger me or whatever label they give it. But I have always resisted as I hate that part of my life and like to keep it at arms length.

I have written elsewhere on PC about my retreat at the weekend. I did lots and lots of meditation and on the last day, I was sitting quietly waiting to leave, when in my mind I became very conscious of an image of a younger me. She appeared lonely and scared and sad, I said (can't remember whether it was out loud or in my head), ahh, come over here and in my head we embraced and it felt close and powerful.

I remembered it in my session with T yesterday and part of me wanted to tell T, but another part was very frightened of sharing with T. In the end I said about my struggle to tell T and did share it briefly, not as much detail as I have written here though.

I am really trying to understand why I had such an issue with telling T all the detail - it is like I wanted to deny liking / or was it forgiving that part of me still. I keep playing the scenario in my head of telling T all the detail and it just still feels so uncomfortable.

Thank you for posting this, Soup. I have really, really struggled with the idea of interacting with that inner child and with how much I hate her and how gross she is. I have taken some tentative steps in the direction you're talking about, but it still seems so weird and strange and hard to talk about. It just IS uncomfortable to talk about, I think.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thank you for posting this, Soup. I have really, really struggled with the idea of interacting with that inner child and with how much I hate her and how gross she is. I have taken some tentative steps in the direction you're talking about, but it still seems so weird and strange and hard to talk about. It just IS uncomfortable to talk about, I think.

Thanks for sharing that MKAC,

sitting with T was such a contrast to how I was at the weekend with this image, it is like it came from nowhere and I felt such warmth in my heart towards her - it even feels weird writing that today, I never use such fluffy talk - warmth?, hearth? yuk not me!! - but that is honestly how it felt at the weekend, it was fairly mind blowing.

And I so get that feeling of hatred and grossness, that feels much more comfortable and safe .

I had a very similar experience during meditation once...had a vision of the child me, and invited her to sit on my lap and be loved. It came out of nowhere, and I was totally surprised to feel the warm feelings toward her, because I had spent my whole life hating her.

For me, hating her felt familiar and "right". I did tell T about what happened during the meditation, but I felt shy and unsure, because I didn't know if it was "okay" to not hate her.

Right before I left regular therapy with T, I realized what a total badass that little me was to get through what she got through and my feelings about her finally changed, maybe for good. It took a while to get to that point.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by nightsky

I had a very similar experience during meditation once...had a vision of the child me, and invited her to sit on my lap and be loved. It came out of nowhere, and I was totally surprised to feel the warm feelings toward her, because I had spent my whole life hating her.

For me, hating her felt familiar and "right". I did tell T about what happened during the meditation, but I felt shy and unsure, because I didn't know if it was "okay" to not hate her.

Right before I left regular therapy with T, I realized what a total badass that little me was to get through what she got through and my feelings about her finally changed, maybe for good. It took a while to get to that point.

Thanks nightsky. that is so like it was for me - exactly.

I have been thinking a bit more today and I wonder whether I didn't want to tell T as I was scared of T digging around too much before I felt ready to go there freely myself - I am still so surprised by those feelings I had.

Thanks for sharing - Soup

[Perna]

I think anything new to us, we're uncertain how T will take it? Are they going to run with it and make a big deal of it before we are ready? Will it mean we have to admit we were wrong in some way? To what extent do we feel we are "in charge" of our experience and feelings and what we have to talk about? I remember my T wanted me to breathe deeply with her but I could not; it was like I would feel entrained http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entrainment_(biomusicology) (see "Evolutionary function of entrainment") and not myself/able to break away.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think anything new to us, we're uncertain how T will take it? Are they going to run with it and make a big deal of it before we are ready? Will it mean we have to admit we were wrong in some way? To what extent do we feel we are "in charge" of our experience and feelings and what we have to talk about? I remember my T wanted me to breathe deeply with her but I could not; it was like I would feel entrained http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entrainment_(biomusicology) (see "Evolutionary function of entrainment") and not myself/able to break away.

Yes that is how I do feel Perna.

There is also something fairly weird in my head going on - I think it is that I have pushed "her" / that part of my life away and escaped it - I feel more content with how I am now than how I was then, T takes notice of me and I think maybe I am scared that "she" is going to steal the limelight and T will start interacting with her instead of me and I will be left out (defintely a trigger for me). Now that is really weird to see written down.

Originally Posted by Perna

I think anything new to us, we're uncertain how T will take it? Are they going to run with it and make a big deal of it before we are ready? Will it mean we have to admit we were wrong in some way? To what extent do we feel we are "in charge" of our experience and feelings and what we have to talk about? I remember my T wanted me to breathe deeply with her but I could not; it was like I would feel entrained http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entrainment_(biomusicology) (see "Evolutionary function of entrainment") and not myself/able to break away.

YES! THIS!! Don't touch it! Don't run with it! Don't make a big deal out of it, yet. I've hugged her a couple of times, but DON'T want to talk about it. It sounds so stupid and woo woo.

[Wren_]

That's such a big step you took the other day soup ... a tentative, delicate step that ... makes sense to want to protect that and to maybe take some time before looking at it more in therapy. I've found sometimes that when I raise things that are precious or important to me, the T can say something that undoes that delicate balance and has me running in the other direction again so maybe there is some kind of concern about that happening also?

I'm sorry you have this struggle but ... from a horribly selfish point of view, it also helps me to learn others do; I thought I was alone in the whole not liking my inner child or wanting to hug her etc. So often I read of people who seem to do this, and it is so alien to my experience.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

That's such a big step you took the other day soup ... a tentative, delicate step that ... makes sense to want to protect that and to maybe take some time before looking at it more in therapy. I've found sometimes that when I raise things that are precious or important to me, the T can say something that undoes that delicate balance and has me running in the other direction again so maybe there is some kind of concern about that happening also?

I'm sorry you have this struggle but ... from a horribly selfish point of view, it also helps me to learn others do; I thought I was alone in the whole not liking my inner child or wanting to hug her etc. So often I read of people who seem to do this, and it is so alien to my experience.

Thank-you tiger girl - I still find it weird, it wasn't something that I consciously planned it was just there.

Thanks for waht you have written, I hadn't thought about it like that. So maybe I need to respect that moment as private at the moment, maybe me and "her" aren't ready to share with T yet, maybe we need some further time to "bond / connect" before feeling able to share with T.

For me one of the strengths of this site, is reading what others have experienced - for me it makes my own thoguhts an dfeelings feel less weird. I can't say I still feel that warmth for "her" now, I have hated her so much that I would have willingly violently annihilate her, but at least now I know there is a possibility of having a different relationship with her.

Hope you are doing OK today TK - Soup

[elliemay]

Well, I think there might be another way to look at your little you.

I am incredibly grateful for little ellie. I don't know how it she/I did it, but we took all that was dished out and came out of it more or less with my sanity intact.

That little me then did not have the luxury of an adult mind, or independence, or anything, but made it anyway.

I think she/me is a marvel.

In a real way, I owe her my life.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Well, I think there might be another way to look at your little you.

I am incredibly grateful for little ellie. I don't know how it she/I did it, but we took all that was dished out and came out of it more or less with my sanity intact.

That little me then did not have the luxury of an adult mind, or independence, or anything, but made it anyway.

I think she/me is a marvel.

In a real way, I owe her my life.

Thanks ellliemay - that is a challenge to how I have thought of her - I have always blamed her for everything, so in my head it has felt that as long as I keep my distance from her, then I will be OK.

So now I am thinking whether she did actually show strength to get through it all and I guess that means trying to change the way I think of those things as being not "her" fault - wow that is something to think through - I have always thought it was her fault.

Thank-you for giving me another way to think of it - Soup

Exactly Soup, it was your private moment between you and your inner child. Your T doesn't have to know about it unless you choose to tell her. This is something that came up in my therapy how I chose not to tell T lots of things and why I keep so much to myself- it is because these are our feelings our emotions, our memories and our experiences and you can choose who you want to share them with.
Well done on finding your inner child- you might not like her now but it will take some time to get to know and love her again, be gentle with her she is only a child )))

[unaluna]

I keep looking for my inner adult to show up! seriously - I have this outer adult that took over at a pretty early age, and I have felt my inner child just beaming at being seen by T. But this outer adult is like a snakeskin I need to shed and hopefully i'll find a fresh new adult underneath. creepy, sorry!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by button30

be gentle with her she is only a child )))

OMG button30 - this brought a tear to my eye (or was it her eye?) - no-one has ever said such a nice thing about her - she never got to feel like a child.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by hankster

I keep looking for my inner adult to show up! seriously - I have this outer adult that took over at a pretty early age, and I have felt my inner child just beaming at being seen by T. But this outer adult is like a snakeskin I need to shed and hopefully i'll find a fresh new adult underneath. creepy, sorry!

At first that made me laugh Hankster - just the fact that it is the complete opposite of my current situation.

But the more I have thought of it, the more I see that maybe it is not the complete opposite. I learned to be tough early on and found a way to control my emotions which I saw as a definitie weakness and inconvenience. So maybe there was an adult bit there then?

I am fairly terrified of T going anywhere near that inner child, I am not sure whether it is because it feels unsafe for her (sorry this inner child / adult thing still feel pretty weird to write about, I keep wanting to snap out of it), or whether it is about that being seen thing that my T talks about. She was never seen and I feel I have fought hard to break free from that and be recognised, I am (I think?) scared of her and him getting all chatty together and being pushed out by her - that she would take over and again I would be the unseen one. Yeah I'm pretty confused right now.

Thanks for all the input though - it feels like a load of ingredients going into a cake and wondering what it will turn out like at the end.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I struggle at times to show my inner child to my T. One thing I started to do was to draw pictures and write letters with my non-dominant hand. It feels easier to share the pictures but I feel comforted when I am in a session and my T and I(adult) are looking at them together. When my T does not shame me/my inner child, I begin to accept her as well. I do feel vulnerable, though and could really relate to your post!

[Wren_]

((((soup)))) it seems then that not sharing with T is connected a bit with protecting both of you? (adult soup and child soup)

For me one of the strengths of this site, is reading what others have experienced - for me it makes my own thoguhts an dfeelings feel less weird. I can't say I still feel that warmth for "her" now, I have hated her so much that I would have willingly violently annihilate her, but at least now I know there is a possibility of having a different relationship with her.

it helps knowing that a different kind of relationship is possible I think