[~EnlightenMe~]

My therapeutical relationship suffered a caustic rupture. The schism appears to be non-repairable much to my dismay. Early this week is the D-day and I already feel ungrounded. I feel so empty, that if you yelled in my ear you could hear your voice echo. . .

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

My therapeutical relationship suffered a caustic rupture. The schism appears to be non-repairable much to my dismay. Early this week is the D-day and I already feel ungrounded. I feel so empty, that if you yelled in my ear you could hear your voice echo. . .

Wanna talk about it?

Everything is repAirable.

Anti-I'm sorry you feel it's unrepairable. But perhaps in due time it will be. If you decide you want to talk about it-let us know.

[CantExplain]

I've had four ruptures with my beloved T and they all seemed irreparable at the time.

[geez]

I had a rupture with my current T and I'm leaving her. She's not safe for me.

There's a difference between a T that's not competent and a T that has said something that has triggered us.

I'm hoping your T's competency isn't in question?

Originally Posted by Antimatter

My therapeutical relationship suffered a caustic rupture. The schism appears to be non-repairable much to my dismay. Early this week is the D-day and I already feel ungrounded. I feel so empty, that if you yelled in my ear you could hear your voice echo. . .

I've had three major ruptures with my T and we've managed to repair all of them. The third one took almost 3 months. One thing I learned is that it takes two to fix it. The phrase "working it out" comes to mind .... If you value the relationship, you may have to fight for it. If you thought things weren't going too well anyway, maybe this is the time to walk away. Just talk about with your T, and try to identify if you've been triggered by something. A rupture is a chance to learn about yourself. I've learned some major stuff through all 3 of my ruptures. Good luck to you. Sorry you're feeling so ungrounded right now. Ruptures just suck.

[~EnlightenMe~]

You all are the best, thanks so much! I'm kind of tired now but will describe things more at a later date. Tomorrow may be my last day so I know the next month will be emotionally chaotic. I have a desire to just destroy whoever the inner me is. But I'm tolerating now, so. . .
THanks! TC

[Wren_]

Sorry you don't have time now; maybe if you can talk more in the morning before your session it would help to see if you could find something salveafable in it; if you can't I hope your t will give you a reference for someone else

[~EnlightenMe~]

I am trying to condense what has happened. Basically, Last Spring I was stressed at work and I became clingy. I basically called him at work and beeped him two different days at home (which is not encouraged but was allowed).

He responded by angrily saying, "Yesterday, I told the secretary to find you an appointment but instead I'm not going to change any other patients or stay late! If one comes open, I'll let you know." Apparently when I beeped him at home the previous night (which he has a choice of responding to or not), he was at a funeral. He told me that the reason that he didn't tell me the day before that he wasn't going to stay late or change patients to fit me in was because he wasn't thinking straight ()because of whoever passed away). I felt like he was angry because I was intrusive and clingy, and was responding this way. Please understand, I totally get that he shouldn't move anyone else to fit me in or stay late. All of this was me being intrusive and clingy. GUILTY as charged.

Unfortunately, I have a dissociated clingy part and an intellectual part that are at odds. The clingy part fears emotional abandonment (not necessarily physical abandonment) and when I sense something coming even if I don't intellectually know it, my fight or flight system goes into full swing.
The major trigger was when my therapist said, "I have to set boundaries in order to keep working with you." This statement even now stirs up major emotional stress. I think this illustrates the crux of the rupture.

I've written this and I can't say that I can work out why I feel so devastated in relation to the statement. But I do. He has to distance himself from me to tolerate me. He has to distance himself to tolerate me. It brings up my shame for being me which then conjures up my self-annhialation impulses. I have been trying to work through this with him but he has become Sigmund blank slate Freud. I hate being Borderline more than anybody will ever know. It is a disease of isolation. I'm a psychological leper.

There's more but that's about all I can get out at this point. Thanks for listening.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

The major trigger was when my therapist said, "I have to set boundaries in order to keep working with you." This statement even now stirs up major emotional stress.

The word boundaries in general makes me cringe.... my XT was boundary this and boundary that... I can completely relate. With BPD and/or people who are clingy, as you call it, I think we ALL need well defined boundaries from the get go. With that being said, you should approach this like a grown up... no offense, but I didn't hence I have this advice. If you like your T you need to talk about this. Boundaries doesn't = I HATE YOU. I know, believe me I know...it feels that way but it doesn't have to be that way. Now if you can both agree you mutually like each other and are a good fit.... them simply putting some rules in place with help things. Being BPD you probably will need more reassurance and time , so schedule extra appointments, ask T for suggestions on how to squelch that urge to beep him, or how he can provide that extra bit of himself that BPD seems to require. When patience over step boundaries with T, they are people too and they may get upset ...its natural...but it can be worked through if both parties are willing to work through it, If T keeps in mind its not fair to penalize you for not knowing the rules of the game.

I know from experience if T DOESN'T want to talk about this or through this...then its best to move on and find a new T and be very clear from the beginning of the game...what your needs are what the rules are. Its not the end of the world, even though it feels that way....give yourself a break and keep posting if you need to.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

The schism appears to be non-repairable

To heck with the schism, work on the relationship.

The T has to set boundaries only because you have not learned how to identify others' and set your own yet. It's not a criticism, just a helpful piece of information.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Thanks so much for your answer. I know I need to work on a lot including how to speak when I am emotionally overwhelmed and how to deal with things myself. I wasn't bothered by this anger, it was more about the fact that I was so triggered/fight/flight and that it was responded to in a way that was escalating. I understand that I need to learn how not to freak out during these times so people don't respond to me freaking out but to my underlying fear. I keep saying I'm not there yet as I can't change the past which keeps happening. Maybe I need to get hooked up to wires in a neurofeedback system and get shocked everytime I'm losing it, haha. It's SO hard to make decisions when I'm emotional since that part of my brain is flooded. I am in shock that it has come to this, truly. I see T today, so your post has reminded me to be mindful of how I express myself. I already feel flighty.
TC

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Perna

To heck with the schism, work on the relationship.

Thanks for your post. I don't know how to work on the relationship or where I'd begin. I tend to obsessively review past ruptures and try to work through them because of the shame I feel about being clingy. I've really noticed how defensive I get around this issue. TC

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Thanks for your post. I don't know how to work on the relationship or where I'd begin. I tend to obsessively review past ruptures and try to work through them because of the shame I feel about being clingy. I've really noticed how defensive I get around this issue. TC

The really nice thing about therapy, Antimatter, is that you don't have to know how to do that. You just need to be able to bring it up with your T. You can tell him that you feel shame about being clingy (which is your perception, but truly may not be his) and how you feel defensive. That should be plenty to let your T know where to go from there.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Thanks so much for your answer. I know I need to work on a lot including how to speak when I am emotionally overwhelmed and how to deal with things myself. I wasn't bothered by this anger, it was more about the fact that I was so triggered/fight/flight and that it was responded to in a way that was escalating. I understand that I need to learn how not to freak out during these times so people don't respond to me freaking out but to my underlying fear. I keep saying I'm not there yet as I can't change the past which keeps happening. Maybe I need to get hooked up to wires in a neurofeedback system and get shocked everytime I'm losing it, haha. It's SO hard to make decisions when I'm emotional since that part of my brain is flooded. I am in shock that it has come to this, truly. I see T today, so your post has reminded me to be mindful of how I express myself. I already feel flighty.
TC

I really relate to what you've wrote here, especially the bolded part.

Hope session didn't go as badly as you feared?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Thanks for your post. I don't know how to work on the relationship or where I'd begin. I tend to obsessively review past ruptures and try to work through them because of the shame I feel about being clingy. I've really noticed how defensive I get around this issue. TC

Antimatter - I read your posts and those there after.. I decided to wait a bit before replying because of the wording in your first posting in this thread... the wording is that of a mental health treatment provider, not of a client... by this I mean clients around here where I live and work dont use words like "schema" and "a caustic rupture" to say they had a fight or misunderstanding with their therapist. clients around here where I work and live dont refer to their anniversaries of trauma by the term "D-Day" either.

All that together was telling me you have had extensive educational background in psychology and were /may be a mental health treatment provider yourself. my first instinct was to write to you on the level of a treatment provider, basically saying with your knowledge of psychology you know nothing is non-repairable where schema and ruptures are concerned. it boils down to whether or not each party wants to continue the therapeutic relationship, if so just like friendships, marriages, and other types of relationships it takes work and the will to want a favorable outcome...

now that I have read other postings by you the problem is more clear, you as a client were trying to get from your treatment provider something he could not give you at that time due to his own issues going on in his (the therapists) private life.. he couldnt give you the time you needed because he needed to take time for his own healing.

because he told you this and that he stated he was going to have to set boundries with you in order to keep working with you..

let me tell you something from both a clients perspective and a treatment providers prospective..

from a clients perspective...with me its scary sometimes when a treatment provider makes a change like adding new boundaries. its so easy to jump to conclusions and assumptions and think "she dont like me any more" "Im such a basket case she has to make rules in order to be near me" and other such distorted thoughts I have had in the past. but then when I calm down and ask my therapist whats going on, why the change.. she tells me shes here to help me get stronger, help me to heal, help me to be independent, shes not doing her job if shes letting me take over her private live, running to my rescue each and every time I call on her. like a child learning to walk, or a child learning to read, a child learning to spend the night at a friends house, a teen learning how to say no to drugs and alcohol, like a young adult moving away to go to college, get a job, get married, becoming parents, a therapist like the parent has to know when to rescue, when to be a shoulder, when to offer a helping hand and when to step back and let the client learn they have it in their selves to survive.. when she makes changes it in part means shes got the confidence in me to be able to handle more things on my own. and the only way I will know I can do that is if I let go of her hand and take the steps without her and then she can be there to celebrate my new found self esteem, new found ability to do some things on my own..

from a treatment providers perspective sometimes setting boundaries isn't about the client its about what the therapist needs in order to be the best at their job that they can be. with the crisis center I work for clients are not allowed to call the treatment providers home. this is because therapy is hard even for therapists, theres a high burn out rate with therapists, they listen to 60-90 clients hard times, trauma's, problems and then if they dont get the down time of having their own private life therapists can end up leading their clients the wrong way, I know a therapist who committed suicide because they allowed clients to call their home so the therapist had no way to de-stress from work, didnt have the chance to have some time with their family to enjoy life, all this therapist heard about 24/7 was about all the violence that was done to the clients, she couldnt handle how all the work related stress was doing to her own mind causing her to suffer PTSD, anxiety problems and other work related problems..

in order to be the best they can be therapists must have their own time that private and separate from their clients.

one of the ways therapists take care of their self is setting boundaries with their clients so that their clients become independant and the therapist doesnt get burned out and have to leave the profession.

A good place to start repairing or moving on which ever you decide to do is talk with your therapist, ask him why he's changing the rules adding more boundaries, it may be about him not you for the reason why he's doing this..

[~EnlightenMe~]

Thank you so much for your in-depth answer. I don't have a therapeutic background but I read a lot of books written for therapists as I have found them to be the most helpful.

I hear what you are saying about him needing to set boundaries, and I do get it intellectually. Emotionally, it is a trigger and I become overwhelmed and become afraid, panic, and have difficulty controlling myself.

I totally agree with everything you said, how therapists can burn out and need time to themselves and wished I had never called and dealt with it myself. But, the had has been played, there's no going back.

Thanks so much and take care!

[~EnlightenMe~]

I used the title, Thereapeutic Schismata, both because there was a schism in the relationship, but to also depict how my therapist fell off the cross (from idealization) and now is just one of us regular people. (Why not add drama to the title? I do)

Anyway, last session I told him that this session was the last. I walked in and he said, "We are going to have to terminate at this point." I looked at him and told him that this was already the plan. He might have forgotten. Anyway, the words didn't phase me at the time. Basically we were having a transference/countertransference interaction that had been repeated and repeated but never resolved. I was glad that he was honest with me. We left on good terms, at least on my side.

He gave me a few referrals but I'm not sure whether to take a break or start again. I'll see how my emotions are within the next two weeks or so and then decide.

I have felt so empty and ungrounded lately. My plan is to put on a facade and go through the motions, pretend I'm a real, whole person. My life is changing so much, who knows where it will end?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

He responded by angrily saying, "Yesterday, I told the secretary to find you an appointment but instead I'm not going to change any other patients or stay late! If one comes open, I'll let you know."

Are you sure he was angry?

I have often imagined my T was angry when that wasn't the case.

PS: I have often asked my T, "Are you angry with me?"

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

It's SO hard to make decisions when I'm emotional since that part of my brain is flooded.

If you know this about yourself, can you make a rule for yourself not to make decisions when you are emotionally flooded? Just let things ride, don't take action, wait until a calmer moment to make a decision. For example, about beeping your T during his non-working hours. If you feel flooded and emotional and want to beep your T, don't act on it, wait for 15 minutes and see how you feel. Do something during that time to distract or soothe. I agree, it is so hard to make good decisions when I am flooded. So I just don't do that--the consequences are often not ones I want. It is kind of like that neurofeedback scenario you painted in jest. If we do a behavior and the consequences are aversive, then we learn not to do the behavior. It's not an easy lesson, but it makes life easier. Good luck.