[Sunne]

I saw my T yesterday for the first time in 4 weeks, as he was on vacation.

Before session I was dry heaving in the toilet. It was purely mental. I felt so sick.

I found the session to be a bit cold. Maybe it was me.

I wrote out a timeline of 'bad things that happened' in my life, and trauma. He asked me to read it to him. It was 4 pages long, typed. I read it, he asked a few questions while I was reading it out which I stopped and answered. At the end he asked how I felt reading it. I said I didn't feel anything, I feel like it happened to someone else.

He said "Yes it's like you are reading out a grocery list. We need cherries, eggs..."

Meanwhile the list had some horrendous things that have happened to me. There isn't any connection emotionally to any of it. Is that strange?

We talked about borderline diagnosis as opposed to complex trauma (which I realize is not a real diagnosis as far as insurance goes). I told him borderline is insulting, that I feel it doesn't take into account all the hard work I have done thus far in my life (stopped SI, risk taking, drugs, and cut way back on drinking). It also feels like the trauma that happened to me in my teen and adult life happened because of a flaw within me, not because of earlier trauma. He said he understands that it's an insulting diagnosis and doesn't like to use it. That I am 'on the borderline of borderline'. That my early life experiences are that of a classic borderline.

He also said the person I present in therapy is very different from the person who emails him. In session I am calm and in control. In my emails I am usually... freaking out.

He has said that I am very close to DID. Like almost on the borderline of that too. We will be doing ego state therapy to get connected to my 'parts'. I have no idea what that will entail.

I felt very detached. It's so strange, because a few days ago I was in hysterics, having panic attacks, crying fits. Then I go to see him and I'm calm as a cucumber. I didn't tell him how much I missed him. I didn't tell him I'm glad he's back. I just sat there mostly.

I really wonder how I am going to get connected to my emotions to do the work. I WANT to be more open about how I feel but I feel a huge disconnect.

I guess it wasn't a bad session. I just wish I felt 'closer' to him.

I did email him after explaining some of my different 'parts' that I feel I have. He has not replied, and usually it's right away. But maybe because it's the weekend. I can't help to think I'm being punished for something I did or said.

[minefield]

It sounds like you have been left with a lot on your mind and i can totally relate in parts i could have been typing. I hate the term borderline it is as if there is a little bit of everything wrong and they are essenitally saying they don't have a clue where to catogorise you... Did you feel close to your T before the 4 wk break? Did you struggle with the gap in t? Was your T suggesting that because you fought and won these battles show that you fit borderline traits as you are capable of having such experiences? Sounds like a cinfusing time... all the best!!

[unaluna]

that is a LOT to try to do on a first session back, wow. I would be in a bubble bath eating chocolates for the rest of the weekend. it's like you ran a therapy double marathon. a hug is not enough, here's a massage

[TheWell]

You said that you feel detached. That's part of dealing with a lot of trauma it's called disassociation. Yes, it's normal. Disassociation is also part of the borderline diagnosis (waving hand). I'm not saying you are a borderline but I am and I struggle with disassociating when I deal with past trauma.

You said you missed him but don't feel close to him. What did you miss? I'm just curious I'm not trying to be snarky.

I take little things personally all the time. Someone said being borderline is like having the emotional sensitivity of skin that has third degree burns. I feel like I'm constantly fighting not to take everything as a personal insult or hurt. I fight back tears all the time.

Good luck!

[Sunne]

Did you feel close to your T before the 4 wk break? Did you struggle with the gap in t? Was your T suggesting that because you fought and won these battles show that you fit borderline traits as you are capable of having such experiences? Sounds like a cinfusing time... all the best!!

I did feel close to him. Before he went away we had a great talk about our relationship and he reassured me of my fears of losing him. I struggled a bit. Some days I was okay and some I was not. Those were mostly circumstantial and feeling like I was unable to reach out to him. I felt a bit lost I guess.
No, that's not why T was suggesting Borderline. We have talked about that diagnosis in the past and as well as complex trauma.

that is a LOT to try to do on a first session back, wow. I would be in a bubble bath eating chocolates for the rest of the weekend. it's like you ran a therapy double marathon. a hug is not enough, here's a massage

Thanks hankster! I actually just made a chocolate fudge cake!

You said you missed him but don't feel close to him. What did you miss? I'm just curious I'm not trying to be snarky.

I missed him while he was away. I missed being able to reach out and have him there, and I missed seeing him. Missed him making me laugh.
I didn't feel close to him in my session yesterday. I'm not sure why. I was just very detached from the whole process. Maybe I need more time to feel that closeness again.

I feel like I am doing something wrong being so distant from my emotions when in that room.
I am scared to email him my thoughts and stuff now because of how different there are when I'm around him. I kind of feel like a freak!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sunne

I wrote out a timeline of 'bad things that happened' in my life, and trauma. He asked me to read it to him. It was 4 pages long, typed. I read it, he asked a few questions while I was reading it out which I stopped and answered. At the end he asked how I felt reading it. I said I didn't feel anything, I feel like it happened to someone else.

He said "Yes it's like you are reading out a grocery list. We need cherries, eggs..."

Meanwhile the list had some horrendous things that have happened to me. There isn't any connection emotionally to any of it. Is that strange?

I don't find it strange because it also happens to me. When I have told the therapist things about my past, she has said I sound like a robot and that I am without inflection or connection or anything. I don't feel anything about what I am relating - I mean seriously I feel nothing when relating it to her, not about the information, not about telling her, not about sitting there - just nothing.

[Sunne]

I am glad you related to what I wrote, stopdog.

Has your T said why this is? Or do they have any clue about how to get your emotions attached to your past?

It bothers me. I feel like a robot too, and tense. I honestly sometimes feel like it wasn't me that went through all that crap.

[stopdog]

She has called it detachment and a way to not get back into something that she describes in terms I find too extreme for what it was. Something along the lines of I am protecting myself from it because of how bad I will feel if I do.

I don't think I get tense about it either - it is really more of a nothingness for me.

[TheWell]

(((((Sunne))))) Don't feel like a freak. You're just protecting yourself. It sounds like it hurt when he went away. Like maybe you felt abandoned? You should talk about that with him. Process those feelings with him. It's hard but tell him that you felt closer with him Before the four weeks. The only way you'll know is if you talk about it. It's hard but after you learn to share those feelings with him it makes it a lot easier to feel better faster.

[minefield]

I find it increadibly frustrating when I would be thinking all week about what I wanted to share and to make a mental note of my behavour and thoughts I wanted to understand more but when I would arrive at T I would dissociate something terrible and when I would talk it would be in as few words as possible. Wall up as soon as I felt it cracking I would start to panic and fear of a flood, I would redirect my T away. After a year of psychotherapy I never managed to touch on any of the things that really matter. It was not a waste of time by any stretch but this will take a lifetime if I don't learn to share in the real world then I am condemd to exist in this state forever. It has been liberating to find this forum!!!! I have never shared even a portion of what I have on here. I think it is understandable that you are able to be more honest in writing this is a skill I am totally learning on here and it is really good that your T allows you this level of direct contact. I would not worry about the slow reply maybe because he has been on holiday there is a lot of work to catch up on. I hated going through my emails going back to work after a break.

Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there.... I know I have the same experience of you when confronted with the traumas. I am glad you have a therapist you have been able to get comfortable with and it must have been hard to adjust to loosing your out outlet. Just a thought... as this is something I came to think about when my T went on holiday. I realised that she was not going to be a permanent feature that I can't put my trust into her because she will not be around long enough to finsh what we start. It made me feel very alone and scared and even though all she did was go on holiday I felt let down that this really is not a lifeline. This I think damaged our relationship because I had decided she was not reliable. I regret this and hope to take this lesson into my next course of therapy. I never really built up a closeness so I hope you can see past this to rebuild your relationship especially if he has been a good source for you before. Will you let us know if you address this with him and what he says??

[Sunne]

I know what you mean! I can sit and just talk out load about everything that is bothering me when I'm by myself. All the things I want to say to T. I can cry, I can get mad, I can be in touch with my emotions. Then I get to T and I am robot. I don't know how to express myself to him. But I will send these long emails about how much pain I'm in, how much I hate myself (yuck), and how I think he's going to leave me!

I've always been able to express myself better through written word.
I also sometimes worry about what he is thinking and he doesn't like that. Because I can't read his mind, that's his job to read mine.. so he says!

I think maybe what bothers me is that he can't be a part of my life in the way I want. I wish he could be my friend. His strong character makes a big impression on me. Like I need that type of person in my life. He has said that I am going to be a long term client. So that helps.

I do wish I could see him more often though. I am paying out of pocket now ($150 / session) and can only afford to see him twice a month. That might be what's bothering me too. Two weeks is a long time to go in between sessions. Hard to remain close. He has said he could possibly work pro-bono for me. But that hasn't been brought up again, I worry about him resenting me if he gives me free sessions. It's difficult to ask.

[minefield]

That would be really tricky to bring up, especially if you are uneasy at the moment because it is an opportunity for him to let you down at least that is what I would be fearing. But you are a better person than I because i would have been all over that to get it but i have no scruples in that sense - you don't get if you don't ask - this was a philosophy that helpped me become a successful business woman and earned me the big bucks until i had a melt down and lost it all. Yet despite that when it comes to asking for something like that which would be fantastic if it happened it would be like setting yourself up for hurt which is a terrifying prospect. It sounds like you feel your T understands you so I am sure he will be understanding of you for asking. I would suggest pretending to write an email about it to him but not send it and see how it feels to do this activity. May be a daft suggestion but that has helpped me before when first telling my GP why i was in utter melt down, i pretended to write her a letter then a couple of months later when I had to hand in a form I just dropped it in with it. Bang pow puff done on an impulse but it was the first step and I am glad I did it. You could store your email in drafts until you are ready.

I feel this connection you have with your T with my GP and what I would give to have her as a real and permanent feature of my life. I am very much attracted to her though and know it would never happen in a million and one years but it does not stop me wanting it. Sometimes I think it is the only way I will feel safe enough to let go but it will never happen. The only comfort I can take is that she is a partner in the practice so hopefully not likely to go anywhere anytime soon but she could leave me what would she have to give 4 weeks notice. I would have no time to recover she would be gone out of my life I only have faith and confidence in her without her I believe I would be dead already. It is an absolutely terrifying thought.

Have you had any romantic feelings towards your T? does that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at all?

[Sunne]

I might work up the nerve to ask him. For now I'm just going to leave it all until our next session. Like you said, I do not want to set myself up to be hurt. Sometimes I think I am though, I feel like I am already pushing him too much. It's not conscious but I want to know he is safe and won't leave.

I more look at my T like a father figure. My Dad emotionally abandoned me when I was 9. I have never had a healthy normal relationship with a man because of this. I would get myself into very unhealthy and abusive relationships with men because I learned that men are not for good feelings. That being pushed away and hurt was normal. That love is pain. That is what I deserve. I have never told T this. He might read between the lines though on this one..
He is slowly showing me what a normal relationship with a man is like. I really, really need that. I don't know if he knows I need this, but it's what is happening. I think I would feel unsafe if I started looking at him in a romantic light though. It's hard not to idealize him, because he is a beacon of 'normal' in a pretty disruptive past. Establishing safety is so key to this working out.

I hope your GP doesn't go anywhere either. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her. Those feelings do sound confusing though, but they are normal. Talking about it helps.