Interviewing T's

***Trigger for talk of termination***



I broke things off with my T, which has been a long time coming. I should have done this last December, but I hate change. There is this tinge of fear that I am "running away" from something, but I don't think so.

My thought was to find a female T to process some body stuff with, even though I am really uncomfortable with women. Really uncomfortable. So I called about 8 t's last week and from the ones I heard back from I have 2 appts. this week.

1) Is an older woman who actually first told me "no new clients". Then she asked what my issue was and I told her I needed to process a mastectomy. (seriously...I have many) She got excited, told me she too went thru that and said she'd make the exception. So I am meeting with her today, for a 90min session She said I would fill out several pages of forms first, which scares me. I don't want to go into my whole sorted history (mental health or otherwise) with someone I've just met. The fact that she's older scares me a bit too. I am calling her Frau T [whinny]

2) Is actually a man who's web page I found interesting, as he explained a lot about my own issues on it (but not the body stuff). I am more relaxed with the thought of telling him stuff because he didn't make me pinpoint an issue over the phone. But I don't think I can discuss my breasts with a man. I call him Mr. AOL because I found it odd that he still uses an aol email.

Dilemma. I am going to call a few more t's... but what do you all think? I am going to make my own choice in the end of course, but a lot of you know me quite well and your input is usually helpful. My big fear about Frau T [whinny] is that she will reject me when she finds out that I have a lot more issues. I would love to talk to someone who has been thru what I have though.

Hi Wikidpissah - wow what a dilemma - the fact that Frau T said she would make an exception for you when you shared one of your issues means that she obviously has an interest and experience in one of the issues you want to explore and I also appreciate that this may be more difficult with a man.

But for me it isn't so important what specific experience a T has and in some ways if they claim to be an expert with a specific issue, I wonder whether they may pigeon hole me and think they know what my issues will be, rather than waiting to listen to find out.

I would go with the one, that my gut told me was the right one - so choose on the basis of feelings, rather than logic.

#1 seems to have alot of interest in you. I dont think she will reject you for having more issues. Maybe you can go for your first appt and ask her if she is willing to help you with other issues unrelated to your breasts.

It's really hard to tell before meeting either of them I think. I think they're both interesting but getting a head start at this point is like choosing your favourite dinner restaurant by looking at the website kwim? The point of dinner at a restaurant is good food. These t's can sound great or ok or a little weird with first phone call but until you sit down with them in person you won't know if they fit or if they refuse to speak out loud in anything other than pig latin.

Wikid - you actually do not have to make a firm decision today, do you? You may like or not like either or both of them and give them each two or three tries. I know it is scarey to see any of them (says the woman who has thrown up almost every week before the appointment with the same person). But it is possible to give yourself some room to breathe and think and decide. And if the first one who is chosen does not work, you get to (I know this is not fun - but it is doable) move on to try another. Nothing about this is in stone. I have interviewed a lot of them over the past two years. Some were easy to cross off the list, some I have in reserve, and I see two because I could not make that last decision. I have found accepting that right now this works better for me than any other combination I have tried - is a kind thing I can do for myself. I realize you probably won't choose to see two - my point is - try to be kind to yourself over the selection process. I hope it goes well.

Hi Wicky,
Well the first one does sound like she could help with your specific breast cancer recovery thing, and I certainly wouldn't want to talk about that with a man either! Actually if it were me I wouldn't even be interviewing male ts. It was a very easy choice when the intake coordinator at the mental health center I'm starting out said that all the female staff ts are full, do I want a male staff t or a female intern? I went with female intern without even having to think about it!
But a man might be good for you, since you seem much more comfortable with men. I'd also call a few more if you can to give yourself as many choices as possible.

I think you should tell the female T that you have other issues besides the breasts that you would like to work on and ask if she can provide therapy for those things too, or does she just do body issues? (You don't need to go into great detail about what the other things are at this stage, I would think, just general, like "relationship issues", or "grief", etc.) If she only provides therapy for body issues, perhaps go to her for a few sessions to work on that and then transition to someone else who has a broader practice.

In any case, you will know a lot more about what you want to do after you visit both of these Ts. Good luck.

Didn't you say you have already seen Frau T before?

If not I apologize...

I would be upfront with the woman, not too specific as sunrise said, but up front as I would hate for you to process the breast cancer and it begin to leak into other areas and her pull the rug out.

1.We are looking for someone who is in it for the long haul.
2. No deal breaker behaviors - ie. pornwatcher

I completely understand not being comfortable with women. I say give em both a fair shot and lay out the cards. You'll know.

I would go with the female T as the you are too uncomfortable talking to a male T about the mastectomy. But as others have said I would also tell her some of the other issues/topics you have. Perhaps you can process the mastectomy subject with her and move on if she can't help you with your other topics? Big Hugs!!!

With the two I see, I did tell them about my anxiety over seeing them. Could you just tell the woman about your discomfort with women in general to see if she can use the info in some way to help you.

I would bet that Frau T expects that you have other issues, and is focused on what you said about mastectomy stuff because it resonates so much with her how hard it can be to find the right person to talk about that stuff with, and she's excited to be the right person for someone. I don't think she'll reject you when she finds out you need to talk about more than that. I agree that it would be great to talk to someone who's been through it, and I hope it works out that you can do more than just process the mastectomy with her.

AOL. Haha. But seriously, I'm not sure I could discuss my boobs with a man either, unless he was my physician and it's just matter-of-fact stuff. I only mentioned the girls directly once and only once, and that was to explain why I had suspected I was pregnant (they were REALLY hurting, for no apparent reason). I said it as fast as I could and moved on to the next thing.

If only you could combine them both into one T...

You guys are da bomb.
Have I told ya I love ya? I do.

I met with Frau T [whinny] for 90 freaking minutes, and she asked SO many questions. I was guarded and anxious and not real honest. I suck. I didn't even tell her about Residential. I kept trying to go back to the boob stuff. I did manage to say that I wasn't ready to sign release forms. She was maybe 60ish, and a bit overweight (which is good, cause I didn't feel huge), and she has a dalmatian. Why the heck did she have to ask so much though. She asked if I ever SI'd and if there was any CSA, and if I had any SU attempts and if I was ever hospitalized and way more. It was way too much info. And even though I really liked her, I don't think I can go back because I kind of lied and said no to a lot of things that were yes'. We left a second appointment up in the air.

Even if you decided to go back to Frau T you aren't the first person who lied to her and you wont be the last. You can either fess up you didn't tell her for fear of rejection or blame it on the Spanish Inquisition she gave you. Panic led to lying, she can add it to her list.... Love you tooooooooo

Months and months after the fact (it maaaaaay have been more than a year later), I confessed to my T that I lied to him in those initial appointments. He was like, 'yeah, I know. Everyone does.' Have I mentioned how much I love him?

I agree with the others that lying isn't uncommon and that it can be worked through - and a lot learned by both parties, as long as each are willing to own their own stuff. I'd imagine that I'd approach this in a way where I can find a sense of connection with a T based on understanding that I would be talking about my most pressing issues first.

I know that when I first started with T, I absolutely would not work with a female T. Now, I'm wondering if a female T would be more helpful with the things I'm dealing with now. As much as I love my T, we've developed a relationship where it just seems more uncomfortable to talk to him about certain things. *sigh*

Oh, and I remember when I first saw a pdoc....I went to one appt. and that was IT. He asked SO many questions....very personal questions...and then told me about how I should get naked and get to know my body and whatnot....I ran for the hills! Never went back. Sometimes, it's just too much, ya know?

Wiki, Hugssssss...
I am so glad you went to see Frau T as she has so much in common with you and can obviously show some real empathy to you having been in the same predicament.
You may bet that Frau T expected you to not be 100 percent honest. I think all clients tell white lies in their first appt, I would go back to her as it sounds like she really does care and have a genuine interest and maybe tell her in next session(if you decide to go) that you were a little overwhelmed by all the questions and you couldn't think straight. If you can feel comfortable with her I say go for it, but maybe you would like to try AOL T once to see what he is like and keep your options open.
PS, I love the names you gave your T, very funny

hmmm...my feelings always do me wrong, but I totally see what you are saying. I need connection.
Thanks bama. I put this in my notepad for appt 2
There was something about her that I really liked. Just not the questions. Thanks for making me think about this.
Stopdog, you are always the voice of calm reason for me. "slow down wiki, it ain't time to decide yet"
I couldn't do it with my last male T, but I think it's more about my thinking there is no way a man can understand about loosing your breasts.
Thanks sunny. I will ask her this, it is definitely a good way of approaching it.
Nope, this was a first appt. I would like whomever I choose to be long haul. no porn allowed. I think I will try to be honest if I go again with her. Then again, just processing the boobs for several weeks would be a nice break from my incessant personality issues.
That's a good point, thanks geez.
Yes. a masculine woman. Shouldn't be difficult to find around here. She definitely headed all over the place.
awwww....hugs. I am not the only liar on the planet? Wow.
ha. I think she knew I was lying cause she asked one question a million times. She was trying to trip me up.

But ... I DID like her, and I made eye contact and everything. Other than the questions and lies it wasn't half bad.

((button)) They were bright neon green lies. heh. I am finding it comforting that you think more people lie.

I wanna process boobs too, T and I could bond over it. oh, wait...no need too...damn it! Back to the ole personality issue board.

If you only gave untruthful answers to her questions, that is not so bad. It is not like you just made stuff up out of the air to tell her. SEriously.
I am glad it was not a total yucky experience. Would you be willing to give it another shot or two before final decision?

Seriously? No pun intended....I obviously need to get away from this thread as I am channeling a 13 years old boy.

YIKES no ways. Yea, I totally don't get the question stuff, don't they know that we aren't there yet?
he he.

No, I didn't make shite up. I just said a lot of no's. She asked me if I had ever been hospitalized, I said "once". sheesh...crap. I totally didn't want her to think that I was going to be a crazy needy client.

But I DID say no when she wanted to reschedule. I did. And I never say no, just ask exT. And I questioned her about signing the hippa form when there was no hippa disclosure attached. Now that I see the lying isn't horrendous, yes I may go back.

Sad to say it was not intended. I don't do puns (or recognize them apparently)

Sorry Wikid - I will fix. I was not making light of the situation.

Lying isn't horrendous, its life! Everyone lies to some extent, its how many and what they are about that counts

Wiki- you know me right? I didn't mean any harm either I was just playin..