[Abby]

I have stopped, erased and re-started writing this post all evening. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of the need to ask for advice about something as petty as this but I need support because I'm scared and overwhelmed and I would really like someone to talk to.

My therapist has been on holiday for 3 weeks and I will be seeing her again next week. I'm scared. I can't talk to anyone irl about this because they won't understand why I am scared...heck I don't know why I am scared of seeing her again. I want to see her but desperately don't want to at the same time.

All of this I would normally freak out about on my own behind the scenes and then suck up and deal with as best I could. I am often scared of going to therapy especially after a break as I feel it makes me seem so needy to allow her to go away and then when she comes back allow her straight back into my life - especially as I have to go knocking on her door to be seen etc....but those feelings of shame for wanting someone are ones I have to deal with and are an inter-twining yet seperate issue.

This time there are all those feeling plus extra stress to deal with relating to my family and that is really making it feel extra overwhelming. There is going to be a lot of emotions around the start of next week, there are already too many, so I know that although a part of me will want to see my therapist in order to hide in her from it all, in reality I know I'm not going to connect with her in 50 mins after 3+ weeks so I will likely just create more difficult emotions to contend with.

Plus, and I know this shouldn't influence me, but I don't know anyone irl that goes to therapy except me and so I don't ever talk about it really. So with my family around next week they will see me leave to go to therapy and I don't think I can deal with the shame of inside having a huge range of emotions towards seeing my therapist and having to cover it up because it won't be something they will understand. They won't understand/remember that it is a big deal for me because they will be under a lot of upset/stress themselves (understandably) and I won't tell them (my fault but it is hard) but that will mean I can't hide but have to be seen. And that is stressful!

Does any of this post make sense?! I feel as though I am saying too much!

Basically I'm wondering if it would be wise to postpone seeing my therapist till later in the week so I can focus on the family situation because I am scared of taking on too much. My therapist suggested I email another therapist at the centre if I needed someone to talk to whilst she was away but I haven't because I just get so embarrassed about all of my feelings. They seem so silly and pathetic and I can cope with them even if I mentally have a bit of a behind the scenes convulsion! Plus I'm not sure if I can ask her for advice about this, I'm not sure on the 'rules' for emailing her and I wouldn't want to say something and have her thinking 'what the heck does she think I can do/say to help?!'. And then have her telling my therapist about it and/or seeing her later on when I don't feel the way I do right now.

If you haven't already realised - I am anxious!

[2or3things]

Hi Abby! I think a lot of us have had difficult feelings about being in therapy and difficulty around our needs. It's just the sort of thing therapists can help with.

My thought is that if you already know that the week is going to be difficult, it's definitely not the time to cancel with T. You can certainly tell her what's going on and prioritize as best you can, and you can even tell her to go easy on you because you really just need some support right now.

Hang in there! I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you.

[WikidPissah]

Hey Abby! You shouldn't be ashamed of asking for support here, we all know what it's like for T to go on break. I don't think it's needy to want to see her, but if it's going to raise so much concern for you maybe postponing would be a good idea. Maybe at least call and see if she has something available later in the week when it would be a little easier for you. I agree that you need the support though, so don't just cancel without rescheduling.

[learning1]

Hi Abby,
I don't think what you're asking about is petty at all. I'm not sure what I'd do though. Do you think the stress of going to therapy would be likely to cause you have problems noticeable to others? Or problems that you'll have to deal with consequences of in the future? I guess if it was likely to set me off that much, I'd more likely wait. But if not, either way could be okay... good luck with deciding.

[Bill3]

What are the advantages and disadvantages of postponing?

How sure are you that your family situation will be easier to handle later in the week?

[~EnlightenMe~]

It's difficult to not feel shame, at least to me, but remember just because you feel it doesn't mean that there is a reason to feel it. Telling people your feelings makes you more vulnerable, and I think you should tell your T everything you told us. She will help you work through all of this Let us know how it goes! TC

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Abby

I am often scared of going to therapy especially after a break as I feel it makes me seem so needy to allow her to go away and then when she comes back allow her straight back into my life - especially as I have to go knocking on her door to be seen etc....but those feelings of shame for wanting someone are ones I have to deal with and are an inter-twining yet seperate issue.

To me, the whole point of T is that I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not. If I am needed, T will accept that.

Still, I have sometimes been scared to go.

[Abby]

Thank you all for your replies.

I think the disadvantages about going to therapy are:

1) With the family situation I will go to my therapy appt in the evening and then have to come home and do 'family time' which I think will be hard if I am feeling overwhelmed.

2) I don't want a specific family member knowing I am going to therapy because it would feel too revealing. Ideally I'd rather hide it - so to go would mean either having the confidence to control the anxiety of her knowing or figuring out a lie to get out the house easily.

3) I have a feeling there is a lot of emotions related to my therapist being on a break just underneath the surface and I have a bad premonition that it might push me over the edge and it will be hard to cover up bigger triggered emotions and I don't want my family knowing I am upset/having difficulties. I don't like anyone near me at those times.

Whereas the disadvantages of cancelling are:

1) I would need to call the centre and cancel and although I am capable of doing this I hate highlighting my name to the reception staff because I like being unseen and slipping in and out for my appt. I understand this seems silly to worry about but I do.

2) It may be a good idea for me to get out of the house that day and give myself some space to have my own emotions without having to worry about everyone elses...and may be I can keep a handle on it all.

I think I am getting caught up in my anxiety and it is blowing all this out of proportion. I couldn't even sleep well last night despite trying to use controlled breathing exercises! I need to make a decision and just cope with all the consequences that come with it. I suppose I could write to my therapist and tell her all of this so that I don't have to tell her verbally in the session which I know will be harder for me to do, but then again I don't want to reach out too much until I feel it is safe to do so again.

I need to set a time to make a decision by otherwise I will go round and around all this in my head till the next session and the decision will be made for me! I am sorry for long post again, there is so much in my head.

Gosh, these are the kinda reasons we're in therapy. Go! What a perfect chance for healing & deeper connection.

[unaluna]

yeah no wonder we need therapy, with a family that doesn't respect boundaries and won't take a hint, right? you really are entitled to your privacy, even in their midst, and don't HAVE to satisfy their curiosity. What are you, famous? What are they, papparrazzi? Are all your movements reported in STAR magazine? You have to leave, that's all. You'll be back later. You're meeting Tom Cruise, if they must know. I hate family. Unreasonable family, anyway. I know not all families are like this; some are actually human; my cousins are pretty cool.

[Bill3]

Thank you for your detailed answers. How much easier or more difficult will the family situation be later in the week? If you postpone, what are the chances that you ill end up skipping the week entirely?

My T says the best session are usually the ones I don't wanna go to ...and he's right.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Gosh, these are the kinda reasons we're in therapy. Go! What a perfect chance for healing & deeper connection.

I was actually quite surprised when I read your reply earthmamma, I thought I was getting a bit ridiculous in my last post and people would read it and think 'how to make a mountain out of a molehill!'.

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah no wonder we need therapy, with a family that doesn't respect boundaries and won't take a hint, right? you really are entitled to your privacy, even in their midst, and don't HAVE to satisfy their curiosity. What are you, famous? What are they, papparrazzi? Are all your movements reported in STAR magazine? You have to leave, that's all. You'll be back later. You're meeting Tom Cruise, if they must know. I hate family. Unreasonable family, anyway. I know not all families are like this; some are actually human; my cousins are pretty cool.

I had to laugh when I read this Hankster. Thank you for making me realise how completely narcissistic I was becoming by worrying so much about what my family would think when in reality me going to therapy is unlikely to factor into their lives much! I need to realise just because it is a big deal to me doesn't mean it is one to them. Btw my family isn't unreasonable, they are all very loving, but I can't imagine just saying 'I am going out' and walking out the house without any further explanation, that'd be bizarre! But I do get your point that I don't need to make a drama out of it just because it feels that way in my head.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thank you for your detailed answers. How much easier or more difficult will the family situation be later in the week? If you postpone, what are the chances that you ill end up skipping the week entirely?

The family situation will be a lot easier later in the week. I don't think I would skip it later if I postponed because I couldn't cancel twice...But I had a horrid interaction with my manager today trying to get time off work for that day which has made me a lot more stressed out and upset. It makes me want to hide under the duvet and not go into work tomorrow! But it has made me less inclinded to cancel therapy just so I don't have to go through any more stress of interactions! I think may be compliance/not changing anything will be easier in the immediate short term (e.g. tomorrow).

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

My T says the best session are usually the ones I don't wanna go to ...and he's right.

Yes your T sounds right to me too. I think if it were just the therapy situation I would be brave and go but all the family stuff relating to it is really what I am anxious about.

I think I have decided to go to therapy next week. With everything that has happened today I don't want to have to make another phonecall/change to plans. It is too hard. Besides you are all probably right and the benefit of going to therapy will likely outweigh all my other anxieties.

Thank you for all your advice and support. I really needed to talk all of this through so I really appreciate you reading all my long(!) posts and finding the time to reply.

[pbutton]

I think it is great that you decided to go. Could you just say you were leaving for an appointment?

[Abby]

I think seeing my therapist again has caused me to slip back down into a mini-depression. I feel completely stressed out and anxious about therapy/her despite the fact that I potentially don't have to see her again for a week (or possibly two as I told her I wanted to cancel next weeks appt and she said that was fine but she was still available).

I wish that she hadn't come back. I was doing fine without her but now I have all these emotions related to her to deal with again and I feel overwhelmed and I want them all to disappear. I don't want to go back to spending all my energy keeping them in control/trying to manage them. I want to have some space to feel other emotions about other people/other situations! I don't want to go back to having that incessant urge to be in contact with her...it isn't healthy to feel that way about someone who I can't develop a 'real' relationship with. She says I am just hurting myself by cancelling next weeks appointment but I don't know how else to manage. I don't want to prevent myself from having support and space, but when it comes with a huge pile of pain I can't see how it is worth it.

What I want is to get some space between me and all these feelings again but everywhere I go and everything I do all I feel is a deep pit of pain in my stomach that I can't seem to remedy. I know I am more than just the feelings connecting to my therapist. She is only 1 aspect of my life and although important, I'm genuinely tired of coping with all the big emotions. I am tired of dealing with the urge to self harm that has re-emerged in the last few days. I tell her how I feel and in my head I know she understands but I don't feel she understands so that makes me want to try and show her another way. Which is plain stupid because I only hurt myself further and I don't show her.

I'm sick to death of being down/depressed. I know I am more than this. I want to learn to put my feelings aside and live my life. But pathetically it feels like life and death. It is stupid that now she has come back I am feeling all the pain of her being gone but don't want her anywhere near me.

I am sorry for this post. I don't want to be the person I am. I don't want to want and I don't want to be so conflicted that it stops me being able to make other healthy relationships.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I wish that she hadn't come back. I was doing fine without her but now I have all these emotions related to her to deal with again and I feel overwhelmed and I want them all to disappear.

I don't want to go back to spending all my energy keeping them in control/trying to manage them.

I want to have some space to feel other emotions about other people/other situations!

I don't want to go back to having that incessant urge to be in contact with her...it isn't healthy to feel that way about someone who I can't develop a 'real' relationship with.

What I want is to get some space between me and all these feelings again but everywhere I go and everything I do all I feel is a deep pit of pain in my stomach that I can't seem to remedy.

I want to learn to put my feelings aside and live my life.

now she has come back I am feeling all the pain of her being gone but don't want her anywhere near me.

Abby you can't learn to put your feelings aside. I would suggest you jump into your feelings with her and explore them in session. This is how you are going to be able to move past this - by jumping in, not avoiding.

[Abby]

But how do I have feelings AND keep things in my life together? I am tired of having feelings that are so big that they drown out any goodness in my life. And I don't want to hurt myself anymore...I know it is my choice to do that but I don't know what else to do when there is no one to talk to during the week and my words don't seem to convey how painful it is. I'm tired!

I understand I have to jump into my feelings but I am so tired of being alone in them. It sounds like all I do is make excuses and then complain that I feel bad...I want to jump into my feelings but I don't want them to control me.

[Sannah]

Once you start working at the heart of it, it will get better. You probably have this huge storage of unexpressed feelings and this is what is making them feel so powerful. Once you start unloading them you will reduce the pressure. The endpoint is to have a feeling and be able to address it then or soon after. After you address it, it will eventually pass. If you don't address your feelings you just keep storing them.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you are in session so that I could see if you are really expressing your feelings?

[Abby]

I wish you could too! I think I do express my feelings because I cry in therapy sometimes and I can tell her I am angry etc....but I don't always want to feel them/sometimes I can't connect with them because they feel so big and I don't want to be left walking out the door drowning in them until another weeks time. I will ask my therapist the next time I see her if she thinks I express my feelings. I know she says I don't like to have ordinary feelings that everyone has but I don't think that is true...I think they just confuse me sometimes.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I don't always want to feel them/sometimes I can't connect with them because they feel so big and I don't want to be left walking out the door drowning in them until another weeks time.

I know she says I don't like to have ordinary feelings that everyone has but I don't think that is true...I think they just confuse me sometimes.

Not connecting with your feelings means that you aren't there yet.

Being confused about your feelings also means that you have work to do.

I think that it would be great to have this conversation with her.

[mixedup_emotions]

I can very much relate to this struggle...and I haven't been very successful in allowing myself to entirely feel those big feelings. I get to a place where it's too much, and then I retreat to regain some sense of control...it's a pattern that I've noticed but have not taken action to change.

I do know that by regaining control of where those feelings go is not quite healthy, as it just gets stored in that reservoir, just to boil over at another time....It takes energy to store those emotions. They don't truly go away without being worked through. Storing the emotions, keeping them at bay....all takes energy...so there's no real relief in storing them....only the relief of immediate fear of losing control....but that fear is still there, just less apparent....Such a struggle.

[Abby]

Sannah - a conversation about not always connecting with my feelings because I don't want to or can't at times? She already is aware of this. I'm confused as to what you mean when you said "not connecting with your feelings means that you're not there yet" - where is there?

Do you think it is possible to be ashamed of having ordinary feelings? My therapist says all the time that my feelings are ordinary. I think she is trying to normalise them, and at times it is helpful but at others I become embarrassed for having such ordinary feelings and being in therapy for them. This makes me not want to talk about the ordinary things I find really difficult as I feel like I should be able to manage better.

I don't 'get' feelings. I mean I know everyone has them and we are all supposed to as human beings, but then we can only express them at certain times with certain people in certain ways...how does that work?!

Thankyou mixedup_emotions for understanding. I have a fantasy that if I was in a retreat somewhere that I felt safe for an extended period I would have a breakdown and get all of my emotions out and move on. In reality I doubt I would be able to do that because, as you say, retreating is almost an unconscious action. Let me know if you find a way out of this struggle!

Originally Posted by Abby

I have stopped, erased and re-started writing this post all evening. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of the need to ask for advice about something as petty as this but I need support because I'm scared and overwhelmed and I would really like someone to talk to.

My therapist has been on holiday for 3 weeks and I will be seeing her again next week. I'm scared. I can't talk to anyone irl about this because they won't understand why I am scared...heck I don't know why I am scared of seeing her again. I want to see her but desperately don't want to at the same time.

All of this I would normally freak out about on my own behind the scenes and then suck up and deal with as best I could. I am often scared of going to therapy especially after a break as I feel it makes me seem so needy to allow her to go away and then when she comes back allow her straight back into my life - especially as I have to go knocking on her door to be seen etc....but those feelings of shame for wanting someone are ones I have to deal with and are an inter-twining yet seperate issue.

This time there are all those feeling plus extra stress to deal with relating to my family and that is really making it feel extra overwhelming. There is going to be a lot of emotions around the start of next week, there are already too many, so I know that although a part of me will want to see my therapist in order to hide in her from it all, in reality I know I'm not going to connect with her in 50 mins after 3+ weeks so I will likely just create more difficult emotions to contend with.

Plus, and I know this shouldn't influence me, but I don't know anyone irl that goes to therapy except me and so I don't ever talk about it really. So with my family around next week they will see me leave to go to therapy and I don't think I can deal with the shame of inside having a huge range of emotions towards seeing my therapist and having to cover it up because it won't be something they will understand. They won't understand/remember that it is a big deal for me because they will be under a lot of upset/stress themselves (understandably) and I won't tell them (my fault but it is hard) but that will mean I can't hide but have to be seen. And that is stressful!

Does any of this post make sense?! I feel as though I am saying too much!

Basically I'm wondering if it would be wise to postpone seeing my therapist till later in the week so I can focus on the family situation because I am scared of taking on too much. My therapist suggested I email another therapist at the centre if I needed someone to talk to whilst she was away but I haven't because I just get so embarrassed about all of my feelings. They seem so silly and pathetic and I can cope with them even if I mentally have a bit of a behind the scenes convulsion! Plus I'm not sure if I can ask her for advice about this, I'm not sure on the 'rules' for emailing her and I wouldn't want to say something and have her thinking 'what the heck does she think I can do/say to help?!'. And then have her telling my therapist about it and/or seeing her later on when I don't feel the way I do right now.

If you haven't already realised - I am anxious!

sounds like you will benefit from seeing T. Don't cancel!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm confused as to what you mean when you said "not connecting with your feelings means that you're not there yet" - where is there?

There is being good at dealing with your feelings.

Originally Posted by Abby

Do you think it is possible to be ashamed of having ordinary feelings? I become embarrassed for having such ordinary feelings and being in therapy for them. This makes me not want to talk about the ordinary things I find really difficult as I feel like I should be able to manage better.

This makes sense. You are in therapy because you need to work on things. Please try to not be embarrassed because you have work to do.

Originally Posted by Abby

I don't 'get' feelings. but then we can only express them at certain times with certain people in certain ways...how does that work?!

Yeah, people that you are close to and trust and who are responsive to you. I think that a lot of it has to do with finding the right people and then being able to get close to those healthy people.