Trigger warning for discussion of physical abuse.



My head still hurts from therapy and I'm embarrassed about this weird dissociating thing I am STILL doing sometimes in therapy. We started off talking about my email to him last week. He told me how productive he thought it was for me to email him, because he knew me well enough to know that if I waited until the session, I either would not tell him because I thought it wasn't important, or I would forget, or I would tell him but without the accompanying emotion. So he told me that it was a good and therapeutically appropriate use of email and that I did not have to be so vigilante about guarding his boundaries for him.

Anyway, we were talking about the email which involved my dog, a cat and my parents' hoarder style basement. [Literally. Wall to wall STUFF.] We were talking about the basement and me hiding down there and then the dilemma about whether to keep hiding when they were looking for me, or just go out and get the beating over with, because the longer I waited, the worse it was going to be. I was talking fairly calmly, I thought, about the difficulty of giving up a hiding place and going out to get beaten even when I knew that it was necessary and would prevent a worse one later, and then I got lost in my head and really struggling to get back.

At one point he asked me how old I was. I was kind of irritated and like, how many ****ing times do I have to tell you this, Asshole? Then he said he was trying to help me ground in the present and realize that I am safe and in his office, etc. oh. yeah. well. that's okay then, I guess.

Then it happened again a second time when he was wanting to discuss the dissociation thing. The room started sliding off to the side and I was losing control and I ended up whispering, "can we stop please." ugh. so embarrassing. I hate this. AND he wants to talk more about it sometime. I want him to help me hide it and look normal. He wants to pull it out into the daylight and ****ing TALK about it.

Not sure what my point is here. I don't think I have one. In the past, posting on here has been helpful, if for no other purpose than to know that others have experienced something similar. So. Anyone want to share dissociation stories? Does this get getter? It's been THREE YEARS.

[skeksi]

It does get better. I still dissociate in session, but sometimes I don't do it at all and sometimes just a little. Keep talking about it, keep *connected* when it happens, if you can, and it will become less necessary.

I hear you, though--I dissociated a lot in a recent session, enough to concern T, and it's embarrassing. I hate not being able to STAY when I want to. But part of me doesn't--that's why I'm doing it. Knowing both parts of me makes it easier to come out of, somehow.

[Freewilled]

I dissociate in my sessions - the room gets all "slanty" and slides away from me (I like that description as it fits for me too) and my T will sometimes ask me where I went - telling me its protective, etc. Im not sure as I've only been in therapy this time for about 4 months, but Im hoping there is some way to work through it. Does your T ever try other things that might help to ground you?

I'm sorry you are struggling with this for me, it can be kind of scary. My T tries not to draw attention to it all the time, but I think he is trying to normalize it for me in the context of my experience - easier said than done as I feel like its getting in the way of me being T's "perfect" (AKA favorite ) client lol

I'm thinking maybe accepting it as a method of self-protection might help (?) My T often asks me where my self-compassion went so I'm wondering if he would rather I allow it to an extent... I just don't know how to stop it because, for me at least, it seems so automatic. I try to fight it but it can be exhausting...

[Sunne]

Dissocation is a really cool skill, I find. It's how you protected yourself as a child. When you get older it becomes a sort of defense mechanism.

It has gotten better for me. Mindfulness meditation really helped. I dissociate every session. But becoming aware of it and not being scared of it can help you pull yourself back to the present. I can notice it, and turn it off now. Comes with practice.

[feralkittymom]

Yeah, it gets better. I found it seemed easier when I could let it happen, nasty as that is. And it lessened in frequency as the years went by, but it would still happen about 5 years in. After that, it only happened very occasionally, and only if I was blindsided by something, usually in the environment: like a new room, or hearing someone walking past the door outside. And it could feel intense, but it wasn't as deep, somehow.

You know I experienced the same spatial "shifting" of the room; and I didn't usually cry, but would sometimes shake and have no awareness of it.

[pinkbutterfly]

I think that's what I have been experiencing in my therapy sessions. Like it kinda feels like I space out...but it's like I can't control it...and it's like I can't stay inside of my own head. It's like my brain shuts down or something. My T will ask "what are you thinking?" or "where did you just go?" and my answer is "I don't know" -- because I really don't know. it's weird. it seems like it only happens when things get intense

[Willowleaf]

When I first started therapy I would do it all the time and usually for most of the session. In the end she encouraged me to really go into it and she taught me skills to ground myself so I could get out of it easier. I still do it now and she sometimes says to go with it and not fight it so much and wants to explore what exactly triggered it.
I know just what you mean about the whispering the need to stop. Mine is very good and stopping as soon as I get like that, and she rarely asks me how old I feel anymore as my responses can be a little rude.
Anyway I think what I am trying to tell you is that yes it is definitely getting better but that it has taken a lot of work to get it more under control. I wish you luck, I know it can be a tough place to be in, but remember it is a skill you have developed to keep you safe and help you manage some pretty awful stuff. It's not all bad.

[sugahorse1]

I also do it a lot. I just told my T about it, and she tries to pick up on it, to get me back. I feel quite comfortable when I've dissociated.
It often happens when I am subconsciously suppressing really strong emotions

Is this what it is when the room goes all dark and tunnel-like and my T feels like he's moving away from me? Usually I feel 'spacey' and T identified that as dissociation.

[WikidPissah]

XT had this way of pulling me back when that happened. He'd ask stupid questions..
"what color is my shirt" "what color is the carpet" etc. Instruct me to "feel my feet on the floor". When I was in the trauma program last year, they kept oranges in the freezer to hold onto when we were "wobbly". That was awesome, you could feel them and smell them and they would really ground you well. I always wished I could have a t keep one in a freezer for me. Do you think your T would do that? Maybe bring him an orange? Seriously, I can't recommend it enough.

I don't know if it gets better. It sure comes in handy when I am stressed and by myself, not so much when your trying to function though. Sorry you went thru that torture.

[mixedup_emotions]

I, too, struggle with dissociating in session. I understand how humiliating it feels and frustrating that it feels so out of our control.

Yesterday, I was finally able to share with T without dissociating - and it was because I totally blocked out my feelings and spoke as if it wasn't me that I was talking about. That seemed to help.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Yeah, it gets better. I found it seemed easier when I could let it happen, nasty as that is. And it lessened in frequency as the years went by, but it would still happen about 5 years in. After that, it only happened very occasionally, and only if I was blindsided by something, usually in the environment: like a new room, or hearing someone walking past the door outside. And it could feel intense, but it wasn't as deep, somehow.

You know I experienced the same spatial "shifting" of the room; and I didn't usually cry, but would sometimes shake and have no awareness of it.

Letting it happen seems impossible. I do it on purpose before court or things I know I need to have no emotion to deal with. It happens spontaneously in emergencies. I am not sure going all cold and analytical will serve me in therapy, and I am uncertain about what will happen when dissociating under that particular stress and in front of him. I can be really cold and unpleasant in that mode.

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

When I first started therapy I would do it all the time and usually for most of the session. In the end she encouraged me to really go into it and she taught me skills to ground myself so I could get out of it easier. I still do it now and she sometimes says to go with it and not fight it so much and wants to explore what exactly triggered it.
I know just what you mean about the whispering the need to stop. Mine is very good and stopping as soon as I get like that, and she rarely asks me how old I feel anymore as my responses can be a little rude.
Anyway I think what I am trying to tell you is that yes it is definitely getting better but that it has taken a lot of work to get it more under control. I wish you luck, I know it can be a tough place to be in, but remember it is a skill you have developed to keep you safe and help you manage some pretty awful stuff. It's not all bad.

He didn't ask me what age I felt. I think I would have lost all control and just raged or cringed or something. He asked me what age I AM right now - to try to get me back to the present.

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Is this what it is when the room goes all dark and tunnel-like and my T feels like he's moving away from me? Usually I feel 'spacey' and T identified that as dissociation.

Yep. That's how it is sometimes for me. The edges of my vision go dark and all I can see is the "threat" and the need for distance from the "threat." This time it was not like that. More of the room sliding to one side and my face went numb, and various weirdness like that.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

XT had this way of pulling me back when that happened. He'd ask stupid questions..
"what color is my shirt" "what color is the carpet" etc. Instruct me to "feel my feet on the floor". When I was in the trauma program last year, they kept oranges in the freezer to hold onto when we were "wobbly". That was awesome, you could feel them and smell them and they would really ground you well. I always wished I could have a t keep one in a freezer for me. Do you think your T would do that? Maybe bring him an orange? Seriously, I can't recommend it enough.

I don't know if it gets better. It sure comes in handy when I am stressed and by myself, not so much when your trying to function though. Sorry you went thru that torture.

My T asked my age, as I mentioned. Once he told me what day it was and asked me to repeat it. Which was weird because in my head, I absolutely KNEW that it was Friday. It really was Tuesday, but in my head, it was absolutely, positively a Friday.

The orange idea is a good one. I may have to try that. Thanks for the suggestion.

I used to dissociate constantly in and out of my therapy sessions. It was how I coped during my abuse and I would default to dissociation as my coping mechanism when I felt distressed or unsafe. Over time, I learned to actually recognize when it was happening while it was happening and learned how to keep myself present. It took understanding, believing, and trusting that nothing was happening to me in the present that would harm me. It also took getting to the point where my history truly became history for me and stopped having constant power over my present-day life. So obviously it was a slow process, but I did get there in time. I almost never dissociate now, and when I do, I don't go nearly as deep, the duration is much shorter, and the after-effects have much less impact.

I know a big chunk of it is that we are addressing things that I have never discussed before. Not with anyone. I have a friend that I often discuss things with, but I have concerns about triggering her / contaminating her with some of this, and this is literally the first time ever that I have written or talked about these situations. I am not even sure why these particular things are so much worse than other stuff I've discussed; I am sure they are not. For whatever reason, they are just deeply buried, secret things. I haven't discussed the hiding much at all, and never talked about hiding in the basement, for instance. Even just writing about it makes my forehead start to go numb and the room is tilting a little. I have no idea why this is so difficult for me.

It's interesting to hear you all say that you can feel it happening.... for me...I'm just gone... and I loss time usually less than 15 minutes but it is scary and freaky to me when it happens outside of T in RL. I don't seem to have any control over it at all.

my xT used to notice and he would call my name and then ask where I went but I never have had any memory of what I was thinking or even what was the last thing I remember us talking about.

with my current T we are doing mostly CBT stuff about current stuff so it completely avoids the whole dissociating thing...either that or she doesn't notice it...

[refika]

I started dissociating yesterday in T's office. I felt it coming on, and I kept fighting it. At one point, I even felt myself starting to switch and stopped it and tried some deep breathing that T taught me. Then he wanted to talk about it. WHAT!? Sure, let's talk about what's going on with me that makes me feel completely insane and sounds crazy (even though T says that's not the case).

T told me that I need to let my alters out more in session. Heh, not in this lifetime.....

It was strange though, because yesterday was the first time I was conscious of me dissociating. Usually, it happens so quickly, I know nothing until T calls me back or I naturally snap out of it. I didn't like the feeling that it was happening, the room getting all fuzzy, sounds getting distant, the couch feeling all wobbly, like I was on a waterbed or a float in a pool. T asked me what he wants me to do when I start dissociating. Heh, I told him "I dunno" because I really don't. I like the comfort it brings, but I also know it's counterproductive in sessions.