i don't understand..

i just don't get how it's possible to process my feelings for my therapist WITH my therapist. the most i can do is say they exist... and i've done that and she was great about it...

BUT... i start floundering when I try to process it with her... i don't feel supported... i don't feel heard... very hard to communicate about it... she can't hear or understand what i need ... not my fault ... not hers.

i just don't get how it is possible for me when all i feel is pain.... and there aren't many words, if any. i don't even know how to write it.



i don't get it how it's possible. i don't get it at all.

I don't really have an answer. I'm actually going to try this tomorrow.
I just wanted to give some

I'm sorry you feel this way, rainbow_rose. You know of course that I've struggled with my feelings for my Ts for years. At first I never talked to my T about them. Then I started doing it because I felt so bad and I needed help. I think Ts should be able to help you with your feelings toward them but I'm not sure how much it helps, as I'm finding out.

What about drawing your feelings and giving your T a picture? Or describing what the pain feels like? Mine feels like arrows piercing my heart sometimes. Some Ts don't want to "go there." Is your T one of those? My former T heard me talk about feelings for her, but then she wanted to move on to the way "she" did therapy. Whereas, my current T did IFS so the parts that had feelings for her were encouraged to speak out.

Can you write it out instead of talking, so your T has an idea of what you are trying to tell her? If the pain is perverbal, then it's hard to describe.

I am very sorry you feel unheard and unsupported when you try to process the feelings. I think I get that with my T too, because what's she going to say? The feelings are from the past, probably. Will she discuss that with you? I flounder around too. I try to say what's in my heart and my T accepts it, and then doesn't know where to go with it either. I feel like I have to keep repeating it to her, but that's probably because I need to do it. Maybe you have to repeat it to your T again, and tell her you wish she could help you process the pain?

Sorry my response is floundering around too. It's hard cause I'm in the same boat. I DO understand your pain.

thank you, rainbow. I know you understand (and I'm sorry that you do 'cause it's not easy) ... i've tried to do art... but she pretty much takes it at face value and said something to the effect that i'd already expressed those feelings and she already had an understanding about them.

doesn't my bringing it up again mean i need to talk about it?! that i need to go further and that i need help with that? the conversation seems to get shut down or diverted in another direction and by then i've already shut down and no longer have the energy to fight to be heard... then i leave and dissociate from the session and end up in a stuck place... again.

what's the point!?

This has happened to me a lot because I'm too focused on my feelings for my T. Not sure what icon fits since that's old news, LOL.

So, my T does try to move the conversation away from my saying the same thing over and over. She also knows my feelings about her already. I think our Ts realize that it's not productive to rehash our feelings for them over and over. Yet, for us, it serves a purpose. I'm not sure what exactly. Do you know why YOU want to tell her again? What response would you like from your T? I want to tell my T again tomorrow when I see her. As though I want to get the feelings out of my system!! Maybe your T wants you to process who the feelings are really for? I know you and I think they are for our T, but you know they think otherwise.....

i want to process the feelings because they are very hard to regulate, not really 'cause they are about her. And they are happening now, in this relationship - not in the past.

I don't care about the past in this regard. i want to deal with what I am feeling NOW. I don't want my therapist to be anything more than what she is and can be for me. It's the feelings i want to understand and process and learn from while they are as intense as they are. I clearly don't know how to do any of this, 'cause i so easily tuck these feelings away until something triggers them ... this is the 2nd time i've been triggered like this. So, of course, it's not going away and needs to be dealt with.

i just don't know how. and I'm not keen on writing something down, or showing her my posts ... each time I've done that's been a rupture... or something rupture-like... so ... still.... i dunno.

thanks rainbow for talking with me about this. i'm not sure how to resolve this. i seem to be brave enough to talk about almost anything else but this.

I am sorry you are struggling with this . I know it can be a very confusing and painful experience.

Is it possible for you to express that you don't want to rehash them, but it's more important for YOU to have an understanding of them, NOT her? She is not the one who needs to resolve them, you are and she should be sensitive to helping you do that.

i just don't know... (thanks Psychicbaby )

My T would ask you "where in your body do you feel those feelings" and then she'd have you do something to process them. That's somatic experiencing.

You say something triggers these feelings. I would think it's important to discuss what is the trigger, or have you already done that? You say it's in the NOW, but strong feelings about our T are usually not from the NOW, but from something in our life, past or present. Though I try to deny that when my T asks me when in my past did I feel anger, for example!

I think you have to keep bringing it up until you get it resolved. Sometimes our Ts just don't understand what we need until we tell them repeatedly, I guess.

Hi rainbow rose, are they romantic feelings or feelings like not wish t was your mother or your friend?
I think t is being unfair, these feelings mean something and they shoved be explored. I do understand that some t s might be uncomfortable worth these feelings but they are trained to feck with them properly.
I told my t 1 about my feelings for her(romantic) in am email! She relied back and said she appreciated how difficult that must have been for me. In our next session we talked about the feelings and she thought because we had done. So much work on healthy relationships that I was finally able to recognise one with her and that's why I was having those feelings but I said it wasn't true, I liked her from the first moment I met her!
Maybe you could email t and tell her you want to find out what these feelings mean as they always mean something, and that way she can't shut you down or change topic! ((hugs)+

What do you mean by "process"? That is a very general word. Do you mean talk about it out loud? Or think about it by yourself? or something like that. I have no idea what it means and I am curious.

I can so relate to this, rainbow_rose. I have maternal feelings for my T that seem to die down, and then flare up again, and even though I've talked to her about them-- and she knows they exist-- it feels like she still isn't fully hearing me. I thought maybe I wasn't being clear enough, so I wrote something down for her to read-- and she talked about the most mild parts of what I wrote, but kind of skipped over the really intense, painful parts. I asked her if what I wrote made her uncomfortable and she said "no, absolutely not"-- but, yet, it seemed like she just didn't want to talk about my maternal transference. And, after awhile, it felt like it went away-- so I didn't need to bring it up again for several months. But, last week, I was talking about wanting to be able to express my emotions in front of other people, and I asked her what she does when people cry. Rather than just talking about what she does with clients (which is what I was asking), she described this really beautiful, nurturing scenario that she has with her friends-- and then said "but I don't do that with clients. With clients, I stay seated where I am and listen." And it just really hurt to hear that she gives exactly what I want to other people, but I can't have it. I have no desire whatsoever to be her friend-- nor do I wish she were ACTUALLY my mom-- but I do really crave maternal nurturing from her, in the context of therapy. I really have the desire for her to sit next to me, put her arm around me, and just let me be sad and cry (if I'm able to). But, for whatever reason, she's never responded directy to this desire of mine. She's never asked me why I feel that way, how it realtes to my past, if there are other things she could do to give me a similar kind of support, etc. I really want to talk about and process this with her, and I feel like she just won't go there. SHE thinks we have already gone there, but I don't feel like we have. I tell her something, she listens, and then she thinks we're done. But we're not. She's so great at processing things I feel with OTHER people-- my dad, my sister, my friends-- but she's terrible when I want to process something that is about HER. It's so frustrating! And I'm sure it frustrates her as well. I need to TRY to have this conversastion with her once again, so I actually just wrote out something that I'm going to give to her at our next session-- so we'll see. I guess, if she tries to dismiss it, I'll just keep directing her back and not just "go with it" if she tries to change the topic. I don't really know any other way of doing this.

With respect to your situation, you could choose to schedule a few sessions with another T for the sole purpose of processing your feelings about your current T. I don't know if you think that would be helpful or not, but it's something I considered awihile back (though I didn't end up doing it). If you want to just continue talking about it with your current T, the only thing I can suggest is just being explicit and direct and saying, in the moment, "I feel like you're changing the subject" or "I really need you to help me process these feelings. Can we spend the session just talking about them?" I think the more clear you can be, the more likely she is to give you what you're asking for.

I wish you the best of luck with this... let us know how things go if you bring this up at your next session.

[quote=scorpiosis37;2596479I have maternal feelings for my T that seem to die down, and then flare up again, and even though I've talked to her about them-- and she knows they exist-- it feels like she still isn't fully hearing me. But, last week, I was talking about wanting to be able to express my emotions in front of other people, and I asked her what she does when people cry. Rather than just talking about what she does with clients (which is what I was asking), she described this really beautiful, nurturing scenario that she has with her friends-- and then said "but I don't do that with clients. With clients, I stay seated where I am and listen." And it just really hurt to hear that she gives exactly what I want to other people, but I can't have it. I have no desire whatsoever to be her friend-- nor do I wish she were ACTUALLY my mom-- but I do really crave maternal nurturing from her, in the context of therapy. I really have the desire for her to sit next to me, put her arm around me, and just let me be sad and cry (if I'm able to). But, for whatever reason, she's never responded directy to this desire of mine. She's never asked me why I feel that way, how it realtes to my past, if there are other things she could do to give me a similar kind of support, etc. I really want to talk about and process this with her, and I feel like she just won't go there. With respect to your situation, you could choose to schedule a few sessions with another T for the sole purpose of processing your feelings about your current T.[/quote]

I have experienced maternal (non-erotic) transference with all 3 Ts that I've worked with to varying degrees.

My first one was an intern about 5 years older than me (I'm 25 and she was 30). It happened from day one. It was very intense. I wanted to be her friend in RL so that she could fulfill the mom role for me in my RL. I told her my feelings the third session I had with her. This continued on for like 4-5 more sessions. I basically spilled my guts and she just sat there and didn't know what to say or do. Our relationship dissolved because of lack of experience/training and she referred me to her supervisor who is my T now.

I was able to keep current T at a distance and think logically for a few months. Then I told her I was having feelings for her. We didn't really discuss them but I told her it was similar to what happened with exT but alot less intense. She didn't pursue a deeper conversation.

I also see another T only for Asperger symptoms to work on social/communication issues. One time she was really sweet when I asked if I could bring my teddy bear with me and it almost triggered the mom thing with her, but other than that I'm unattached with her (thank goodness lol).

The maternal transference I've experienced has been cyclical. It gets better and worse depending on what I'm dealing with in life. I also want her to sit next to me, put her arm around me, and just let me be sad and cry (if I'm able to). I feel like if any T ever sit with me and even just put their hand on my shoulder that I'd break down and bawl my eyes out for hours even though I've never shed a tear in therapy after over a year of being there. It bothers me that she told you what she would do with her friends vs what she does with clients. It's almost as if she's teasing you. I would definately not appreciate that if it were my T.

I agree with the suggestion to have a few sessions with another T to process the feelings if current T seems unable/unwilling to do so. T's are human just like all of us here on PC. In my opinion, they avoid certain situations/topics in therapy because it makes them uncomfortable. Avoidance is a natural thing and T's can get caught up in it too, maybe even unconciously.

rainbow, i know your right ... about keep bringing it up to her. someone else told me that too. but i wanted to wait until the feelings came up again on their own and let me know it was time to maybe try again. i guess maybe that time is now.

button30, i don't have strong wishes for my therapist to my friend or mother. ... don't know if feelings are romantic ... but they are strong... i'm hard pressed to fully understand and express what they are (or what may be underneath). i just know it is overwhelming to let them surface for even a moment.

it is frustrating that i can't express what i need in a way that she understands. she does try ... it's hard not to internalize and say i suck at communication... but it is a struggle to communicate stuff to her, especially feelings.

I'm starting to think talking about talking about it might be a good way to start and and those emotions might stay below the surface enough for the conversation to constructive. i dunno. i'm still in a place of not understanding.

By process, I mean talk it through with her - she has clarity about things i do not. (with some things, processing by myself sends me in circles with no understanding or clarity on what to do)

scorpiosis & bamapsych, i have thought about talking with another therapist if i could work this through with my therapist. ... i just really would love, somehow, to be able to work through this with her. i think it would strengthen the relationship. Thanks so much for your comments!

I don't understand either. I try to tell the therapist and she says i am only telling her with my head and that I don't show her. I don't know what the eff that means. I get very frustrated indeed.

Can you tell her this?

It is very important to feel heard, and it's largely her responsibility (IMHO).

I agree.

i honestly don't know ... maybe not that specifically .. but maybe in another way ... we shall see.

(thanks everyone for the hugs! )