i quit T

it's ok
.

granite, I can hear your pain about therapy. It's so hard to let T in, isn't it? I know the urge is to quit because you're getting to the painful stuff, the "meat" of therapy.

You've told T a lot, and she hasn't kicked you out. She will be there for you whether you sit and are silent, or whether you talk. I may be wrong, but I think you've gone so fast that it's a bit overwhelming for you right now, so you're shutting down. That seems normal to me. I think if you keep going, you will get on track again.

Please don't quit. You know that T is helping you, and wants to help you more. You've said that in recent threads. You're not going backwards. You're just stopping at a rest area for a little while.

i can't do it anymore . i already quit. why go and sit and hurt .i wont do it anymore .i tried .i honestly just wish i was dead right now i really do

I know you may get angry with me, but you were honest with me, so I'm going to be the same. I don't believe you. I think you WILL go back, but it's okay if you think that way today.

nope i wont .and no i'm not angery.i have left T early and all but have only once on the phone told her i quit,that was years ago.she didn't accept it,she said i needed to tell her in person so this time i told her in person.i am just tired of everyone myself included thinking i have any controle over this .yup i sure do .i just love sitting there and feeling so so miserable i want to jump out of my skin.all this stuff flooding my head. and the emotional pain .all of it and i cant open my stupid mouth. yup i just love it i tell ya. nothing else like it.

i have never ever said i don't believe you.

Granite, I know that it may seem hopeless, worthless, right now. However, that is no reason to quit T. I don't think she is annoyed with you, you are not a waste of space. Give it time, and get in contact with you T. You can do this!

So, quitting therapy is going to somehow fix all of your emotional pain? You won't ever feel that pain again because you aren't in therapy? I don't buy your logic at all. Now you will be on your own completely with all that is going on in your head with no professional support (because you realize those thoughts and pain aren't going to magically disappear just because you aren't in therapy). I don't see that as a good plan.

I know you haven't. I didn't mean that you did. I believe that you want to quit right now, but I have faith that you will realize that it's not in your best interests to do it.

i'm just saying mean, horrible things to people i care about i'm sorry.

granite I'm here for you

You're confused and feeling a lot of conflict, I bet. I don't see you as being mean or saying mean things. Everyone here wants to help you!

So, when you say "it's ok", what do you mean?

granite, others may disagree with me, but I AGREE with you that it was time to quit THIS therapist. You need someone who is willing to work WITH you and allow you write things down and actually allow you to express yourself in the way that seems most natural to you: writing and drawing. Have you thought about an art therapist?

and say as many mean things as you want

In the past, I thought your T wasn't the best for you because she wouldn't read your writing. It seemed like you progressed in spite of, or because she "forced" you to talk. But maybe MKAC is right. I think an art T is a wonderful idea!! You express yourself amazingly through your drawings, and your writing too. Or, maybe a break is what you need right now. Quitting doesn't have to be permanent. Back to the art. You know that my T does art with me sometimes, and it helps. Something for you to consider.

Granite- Do you think that your feeling close to your T and wanting to be by her may have you scared to go back because you are starting to rely on her and that's a scary thought for you?

What did T say when you told her you quit today?

(((( granite ))))

Now is probably not the time to debate whether or not you will go back to T. I can only imagine how hard it is to go in there week after week, struggling to share, feeling vulnerable..or shutting down and feeling such anguish afterwards. It must be exhausting.

Know that I am here and that I care. Please try to get some rest tonight.

(( HUGS ))

To quote a wise and caring person:

Right now in this moment, you just need to take care of yourself...with or without T. Totally your decision. I'll support you no matter what.

If you do decide to return to therapy, I agree with MKAC and rainbow. You need to find a therapist who will meet you at your level. T has allowed me to write things I couldn't say. She might not let me do that now because I've made progress in talking about difficult things; but I think that once I get to the areas of greatest shame for me, I may need to write things again. Maybe for her to read at first, then maybe to read aloud to her, then hopefully out loud looking her in the eye.

I'm here to help you if you ever want to talk or vent.

I know a therapist (professional acquaintance) who has sat and texted with clients across the couch from her who could not speak, she has used computers, drawings and so forth with clients, some for years, who had trouble speaking for a long time, until they could actually talk to her. She has worked with clients of mine.
So I believe it is possible to find a therapist who may be able to employ other modes if you choose to try again.

Hi Granit,
This must all be so hard! I agree with everyone who says that you need to just take care of yourself right now, and decide about therapy later.
MKAC stole my response (smile), but I'll give my own version
I'm not at all surprised you've decided not to return to this t, though I'm sorry it's so painful for you right now. I've always questioned the fit of this one for you. It seems that the "good" sessions were few and far between, and that the pain and strong feelings, and questioning yourself and your t's feelings towards you after sessions, and everything else was just so overwhelming for you. That it was a struggle week after week about whether or how much you'd be able to talk that session, and then how would your t react?
It seems that sometimes your t would know how to respond to all this, like the session where you talked about your past experiences with the group homes and how talking about goals triggers you. Other times, (I'd say most times) she really hasn't handled the situation with the sensitivity that I would think it warrants. Knowing you have so much trouble talking, not reading your writing, or forcing the issue just seems counterproductive. Furthermore I think she has said some things that were harsh, like the comment about "My mouth is dry from all the talking we're doing," and other things.
I think you need a t who can work with you in other ways besides talking. Perhaps someone who does expressive arts therapy. This would be using art, writing, drama, music, and movement to help you access and get out the pain that you're feeling but without the pressure of talking. To me, at this point I don't think regular talk therapy would do much good for you. You've obveously tried it for so long, and it doesn't work, because you have so much trouble talking. And that's ok. There's no need to beat yourself up about that anymore. If you do go back to therapy, you just need to find a t who can meet you where you are, someone extremely comfortable with working in silence, and who is skilled at doing things not in a traditional way.
If/when you're ready I could help with researching such a t.
I'm here for you, as we all are on here. It took courage to just go in there and tell her to her face that you weren't going back. Remember that too.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time, granite.
It does make sense, to me, for you to look for a T who can work with you in a way that allows you to express yourself in a way that works better for you. Some of us don't talk so well, and different Ts are able to work with that in different ways. And like others have said, that's ok. Sometimes I feel a little downcast by reading PC because it seems like I should be able to do what other people here do... but you know what? We all do things at our own pace, in our own way, and talking isn't necessarily the only way to do T. Your talent and ability to create art is something I really think could help you in therapy if you find a T who can work with that.