[elysia]

So I went to session this week after T having been gone for a few weeks. As usual I felt the coldness in our relationship but I've been trying to stick it out because she's the only T I can afford right now.

She said she has an agenda for me to be comfortable in my own body. Thing is, that struck a bad chord with me because I feel that I should be the one setting goals for myself, but as usual I said nothing.

So we did this exercise where she asks me to not talk and notice my body etc, with silence in the background. I find this process incredibly triggering. Finally I just said I'm really not comfortable doing this. It takes guts for me to advocate for myself, esp when confronted by an unexpected situation.

Her response was not to stop, but to keep pushing this on me. We spent the rest of the session doing this. I felt so uncomfortable, triggered, and like the T was the perp. I couldn't really say anything, because I already had said stop, and her response was to continue (just like my perp did to me!). She said it would be therapeutic for me to relinquish control and push myself out of my comfort zone. I'd wanted to spend the session talking about upcoming events and past recent events that were traumatizing which I wanted help coping with. We spent 0 time on that. She said we must do this so we can get to EMDR faster. Is this actually true? Is this a standard exercise that all ppl doing EMDR must complete?

I'm not in much of a position to be picky since it's her or no one. I am afraid to say anything to her for fear she will kick me out. She's hinted I may have to look elsewhere if I don't like her approach, and also complained, numerous times, about me wanting to avoid situations in T that I find triggering. I am scared of her, upset, triggered, and also, disappointed that she did not share all this with me at the beginning. I feel like I've been taken for my money and time.

Can anyone offer some input? Am I overreacting? What should I do for my next session? I am afraid to go. I am allowed to email my T but she will not respond (her policy). Any ideas what I can write or say, or how to cope?

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by elysia

So I went to session this week after T having been gone for a few weeks. As usual I felt the coldness in our relationship but I've been trying to stick it out because she's the only T I can afford right now.

She said she has an agenda for me to be comfortable in my own body. Thing is, that struck a bad chord with me because I feel that I should be the one setting goals for myself, but as usual I said nothing.

So we did this exercise where she asks me to not talk and notice my body etc, with silence in the background. I find this process incredibly triggering. Finally I just said I'm really not comfortable doing this. It takes guts for me to advocate for myself, esp when confronted by an unexpected situation.

Her response was not to stop, but to keep pushing this on me. We spent the rest of the session doing this. I felt so uncomfortable, triggered, and like the T was the perp. I couldn't really say anything, because I already had said stop, and her response was to continue (just like my perp did to me!). She said it would be therapeutic for me to relinquish control and push myself out of my comfort zone. I'd wanted to spend the session talking about upcoming events and past recent events that were traumatizing which I wanted help coping with. We spent 0 time on that. She said we must do this so we can get to EMDR faster. Is this actually true? Is this a standard exercise that all ppl doing EMDR must complete?

I'm not in much of a position to be picky since it's her or no one. I am afraid to say anything to her for fear she will kick me out. She's hinted I may have to look elsewhere if I don't like her approach, and also complained, numerous times, about me wanting to avoid situations in T that I find triggering. I am scared of her, upset, triggered, and also, disappointed that she did not share all this with me at the beginning. I feel like I've been taken for my money and time.

Can anyone offer some input? Am I overreacting? What should I do for my next session? I am afraid to go. I am allowed to email my T but she will not respond (her policy). Any ideas what I can write or say, or how to cope?

You say, you are scared of her. This is a powerful statement of distrust and something I think you need to honor.

It's wonderful to strech and grow and step outside our comfort zones, but for me, at least, no real profit comes from being out of the comfort zone into the panic zone. The stretch zone is great but it sounds like she forced you far beyond that.

She sounds like she is moving far too fast for you, even if it is in the correct direction. I would be as upset as you...I might even freak out and run. I would urge you not to do that if you think this is repairable.

But if you're truly feeling like this is too much you need to convey that in the strongest terms, I think. It's the "as usual, I said nothing," part of this message that seems so familiar to me....and strikes such a chord.

Hang in there.

Elysia..... I am glad you stood up for yourself and I think you should try it again. Remind T she is the paid professional. I think sometimes T's do push , but not to the point that it frightens the client. I don't know anything about EMDR sorry, But regardless of the type of therapy or approach it should be to help you and not further traumatize you. You say your choice is her or nothing? The other choice that you haven't mentioned would be to tell her what you have said here and let fate decide. Sometimes no T can be better then a bad T.

[elysia]

Thanks so much for your response.

I know I'm supposed to bring this up but right now somehow I can't. I haven't slept or eaten since the session. I feel so much anxiety and dread inside at just the thought of returning to her, that criticizing her right now is too much for me (esp cause she expresses frustration and dissatisfaction at me doing so). I know it's the right thing to do. Though I'm not DID, the traumatized part of me is very young. Doing this exercise without a prior explanation was terrifying to that part, and the thought of confronting someone older and in authority (T is older than the adult me) is too much for that part. That part doesn't have the tools to do it, which means I don't either. I feel like I have to choose my words carefully so I don't cause a rift with T. I have no idea how to strike a balance between saying how I feel vs being careful not to offend T. Not in a good place right now.

[objtrbit]

Hi there;

oh man, she sounds like she is perfectly recreating the abuse you've already had! One reason why you might not be able to assert yourself in the first place is because at some point you were hurt deeply when you tried to tell someone how you felt. This person is essentially ignoring you, and on top of that, I bet it feels familiar as well to have to stay in a situation because you fear the consequences.

That really sucks, not a good situation at all! If you don't experience good things happening when you assert yourself in therapy, you won't be able to properly heal. Your trust in people is likely already shattered, and this therapist-I feel, is actually doing more damage then good and could potentially traumatize you further.

My T tried a "name that emotion" exercise with me, and I got to a point where I didn't want to do it anymore. When I voiced this, she STOPPED.

Therapy is very difficult even when you are going at your own pace; pushing yourself to far has consequences-the more traumatized you become, the less you will be able to function.

I am sorry this situation is so dictated by finances, otherwise I'm sure you'd be outta there in a heartbeat.

I'll pm you a link that might help.

This really sucks, I hate hearing about therapists who don't understand how difficult therapy is-I have to wonder if this person has ever been through therapy herself o0;

take care,
-obj

Originally Posted by elysia

Thanks so much for your response.

I know I'm supposed to bring this up but right now somehow I can't. I haven't slept or eaten since the session. I feel so much anxiety and dread inside at just the thought of returning to her, that criticizing her right now is too much for me (esp cause she expresses frustration and dissatisfaction at me doing so). I know it's the right thing to do. Though I'm not DID, the traumatized part of me is very young. Doing this exercise without a prior explanation was terrifying to that part, and the thought of confronting someone older and in authority (T is older than the adult me) is too much for that part. That part doesn't have the tools to do it, which means I don't either. I feel like I have to choose my words carefully so I don't cause a rift with T. I have no idea how to strike a balance between saying how I feel vs being careful not to offend T. Not in a good place right now.

Can you start with " I don't want to offend you and the last thing I want you to do is get upset with me..... but"

Also .... She only has authority over you if you let her. You pay her....this is your therapy

[Miswimmy1]

You pay her... she should go at your pace. That being said, t's will and can push you, but there is a line, and she should have backed off when you asked her to stop.

Is there any way that you can tell her how much this has triggered you? As a t, hopefully she will be able to deal with the emotions that have been brought up. But the bottom line is that you shouldn't be scared of t. That sentence there was the one that stuck out the most for me. Therapy is a healing process, but it doesn't work if you feel like you can't open up. I really hope that you can muster the courage to talk to her about all of this...

[elysia]

Oh my goodness, thanks so much for all the validation and support. I am overwhelmed at all the kindness. It means so much to me. I feel a bit stronger, like I may have a voice to find.

In fairness to my T, when I told her I wasn't comfortable, she did try to at least change some of the parameters, but I wish she had just let the activity drop. I didn't demand she stop--that is so hard to do when something is sprung on me--but I stated I wasn't comfortable. She knew what she was doing because she said her job was to push me outside of my comfort zone.

I'm scared because she can turn this all around and blame me. I know I have to write her though. I'm still not sure how far I will go because I don't want to damage the relationship beyond repair. But all your words are helpful to me and make me feel like my feelings count for something.

[elysia]

I keep writing her a letter in my head, but it sounds angry and blameful. That's not going to go well. I'm starting to feel scared and powerless again.

[sunrise]

Trauma therapy, whether its EMDR or another type, will be easier and more successful if you have a really strong relationship with your therapist, one where you feel safe. Right now your relationship sounds weak and distrustful. You seem scared of her, angry at how she is pressuring you and not listening to your needs, and feeling like you have to walk on eggshells so you don't offend her. I think feeling comfortable in your body, as your T suggests, might help you not get retraumatized by EMDR, so yes, it might be important. The body exercise is not a requirement for EMDR, but feeling safe is. For you, the feeling safe may involve being able to do the body exercise. However, it sounds like you aren't ready for the body exercise yet, because your relationship with your T is not strong and safe. So my recommendation would be to work on building the relationship by working on less traumatic and triggering topics, for example, how your week went at work, or something else that is just, well, easier. Through this work, you and your T will get to know each other better and you can start to feel safe enough with her to do this body exercise or the EMDR or work more directly in some other way with your past trauma.

If you are scared to tell her what you need, would you want to look for another therapist if you can't get her to slow down? She does sound kind of harsh/inflexible and perhaps not what you can handle right now?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by elysia

I keep writing her a letter in my head, but it sounds angry and blameful. That's not going to go well. I'm starting to feel scared and powerless again.

Elysia, you are NOT powerless anymore. That is little Elysia speaking. Try a stay in adult mode while you write the letter because you DO have power in your life now. You have the power to say where you go, who you speak to, you have the power to say NO and the power to say STOP. No one can hurt you anymore.

Your T has maybe misread just how much you can deal with and it certainly sounds like she is pushing too hard and retraumatizing you in the process. This is always the danger in trauma work and why T's should always check in with their clients during a session to make sure this is ok for them. When writing the letter to her, why not take some of the comments from here that are useful and put them into your own words in the letter?

x

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

You say, you are scared of her. This is a powerful statement of distrust and something I think you need to honor.

It is not unusual to be scared of one's therapist.
In part, this is the miracle of transference.

[elysia]

sunrise, you hit the nail on the head. I may paraphrase what you wrote in my letter to T, if you don't mind.
you're right asiablue, it is "little" me feeling this way, but I can't not go into that mode when thinking/writing about this. I was abused as an adult, too, so difficult to say what mode I'm really in. I want to make my points and not offend her, but not back down either. I may paraphrase what you wrote, too, in my letter to T if you don't mind.
can't explain--yeah, and it stinks. but she wasn't helping her case any by deliberately setting the conditions in the room to be what they were during my assault. I got the transference, but it's all T's fault.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by elysia

Thanks so much for your response.

I know I'm supposed to bring this up but right now somehow I can't. I haven't slept or eaten since the session. I feel so much anxiety and dread inside at just the thought of returning to her, that criticizing her right now is too much for me (esp cause she expresses frustration and dissatisfaction at me doing so). I know it's the right thing to do. Though I'm not DID, the traumatized part of me is very young. Doing this exercise without a prior explanation was terrifying to that part, and the thought of confronting someone older and in authority (T is older than the adult me) is too much for that part. That part doesn't have the tools to do it, which means I don't either. I feel like I have to choose my words carefully so I don't cause a rift with T. I have no idea how to strike a balance between saying how I feel vs being careful not to offend T. Not in a good place right now.

You are not criticizing her if you just state what you want - and you do not have to make excuses for that either. Just simply say "I want to move slower".

That's it.

Not, you are moving too fast and you suck as a person (that's criticism) or "I'm sorry I don't know what to offend you but (insert offensive statement here).

Just simply state it in terms of what you want.

What she does with that it up to her.

[elysia]

Thanks elliemay, it's a good idea. One part I can do that. The other thing, she hinted at me leaving her because I can't do what she wants (physically can't, not won't). I want to discuss that, too, but not sure how to do that without coming across as saying, "you stink because you said this." This is a T who dishes it out but can't take it, must tread carefully.

[elysia]

The letter is written. I also asked her flat out if she wants me to switch therapists, because she hinted I should during the session. I'm afraid she's going to kick me out, even though I want a better therapist for me anyway. If I lose her I have no one.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by elysia

Thanks elliemay, it's a good idea. One part I can do that. The other thing, she hinted at me leaving her because I can't do what she wants (physically can't, not won't). I want to discuss that, too, but not sure how to do that without coming across as saying, "you stink because you said this." This is a T who dishes it out but can't take it, must tread carefully.

Again, I would have likely phrased this as "I want to feel safe here" rather than "you make me feel unsafe here".

See the difference?

I know you said that you don't have a lot of options except for this therapist but there are always options. Always. You just haven't considered them yet. Skype, etc...

You aren't trapped.

There is an old saying "Better the evil known than the evil unknown". Bottom line, you don't have to settle - negotiate a better way perhaps for you both to move forward yes, but settle... no.

[elysia]

thanks, elliemay. i did stick to lines along what you suggested but at other times i mentioned how her words made me feel.... so i hope she doesn't take that badly.

the issue isn't so much skype/distance.... it's that trauma therapists, specifically those trained in the techniques that will help me, are few and far between. their rates are quite expensive, even the sliding scale rates. i keep hoping that one day i'll find that special T I can actually connect to and feel safe with. thanks for pointing out possibilities, that helps with the trapped feeling, i appreciate it.