Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

maybe you could ask her not to look when she returns so you have that safe place here?

I have the same affliction, I am afraid. Neither of my Ts ever call me, though. I fear I have reached the depths of insanity.

I wish you would say the words I wanted you to say; asking feels wrong somehow but I can never understand why you don't. Even people I hardly know say it, even if i walked up to a total stranger and said what was going on they would say it, why don't you?

You seriously have the best freakin timing sometimes, T. I was just about to lay down and take a nap because I didn't think you were going to call me afterall tonight. 10 mins after I decided to start getting ready, you call. ♥ You sounded really happy and refreshed- I'm glad for you. :3 I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I hope I've made you proud at least a little bit with how much I've been trying.

Dear T....

Ah...screw it....I got nothin'.

i'm scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never thought about your other patients before. But yesterday, the lady you saw before me stormed out into the waiting room in a major tizzy. She slammed the door and everything. I can't help but think you did or said something that really p i s sed her off!

So I was intentionally pleasant yesterday. It's not like I had intended to be unpleasant or anything. But I did make myself act more "emotive" than usual. Is this a bad thing? Being fake? It doesn't seem that way to me, but I guess one could argue that I was paying more attention to your feelings than mine. Which I guess is true. But it was a still a good session, so I can't get worked up too much about it.

I don't know why, but I am still impressed whenever you bring up random, trivial details of my life. One day I will give you all the credit that you deserve.

i totally get this...

I am thinking of you. I hope that the surgery goes quickly and smoothly, and that you can begin the recovery process ASAP. I miss you so much. I didnt think it was possible to think about you more than I already do on a daily basis but yet again, you hav prooved me wrong. I know that you are in good hands in the hospital, and you told me that you are going to sneak in the chocolate that I gave you yesterday, so I know you will hav that. I hope that you aren't in too much pain, and that you will be able to walk out like you hoped in 2/3 days time (but I also hope that you will use some good sense and not demand to be released if they dont think you are ready). I will be thinking of you! <3

dear t, it was so good to talk to you yesterday morning. you sounded so happy and i am thankful that you shared your feelings about your first week or so in your new home. it sounds beautiful!! I was smiling all day yesterday.

I'm scared, T. I don't know why. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. People around me are saying that I've changed but how can I change if I don't even know who I am? I don't know what makes me "me".

I feel like the break in routine over the past 2 weeks made me regress again. I'm back to being nervous and anxious before our appts. I get this sinking feeling in my gut because I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of. I was doing so good too!! I was almost done being anxious before the meetings. But it's hours beforehand and I'm scared again.

Sila

Thanks Anti. Session went over well in the end. I just get scared... She said that people change as they get older, and go through things, their experiences etc...Change isn't always bad and people need to realize this sometimes. I didn't really get to tell her that I didn't know what made me me but i'll get to it eventually, possibly next time.

...and yet here I am, after our session, feeling odd again. Like, I feel like I wasted time. I didn't know what to talk about. I really need you to help reign me in and get me moving... When you just ask me if I have any thing i want to talk about I freeze up because Idk what is important. I don't know how to do this 'therapy' thing. I bring up whatever I feel like is important, but in the grand scheme of things is it really that important to talk about how I felt awkward sitting outside black friday because people tried to talk to me? Or that I was teased a lot in school? I don't really know what to do. I really wish you would just take initiative and help me start somewhere. I need a game plan. I wish you could read this.

T!

Thank u so much for telling me that u made it! I have been thinking about you all day!

I hope you aren't in too much pain... I don't know how much effort it took to text me, if u are still knocked out with painkillers, but regardless, thank u so much! Thank u thank u thank u. I can rest tonight knowing that u are ok. <3

I miss you so much! I can't wait to hear from u again.

dear t, tomorrow? yikes? i have a weird feeling you are going to cancel.

i'm scared.

You texted me again!

I know that you said that you "may be able to have limited communication before the 2 weeks are up". I thought that maybe you were saying that to cover your bases, but it seems like we are going to be able to talk anyway! im not going to say, i knew it! but i did hope that this would be the case. Thank you so much!

You said that you snuck the chocolate I gav you into the hospital, and that you are resting with the quilt that I made you before you left. That makes me so honored that you brought them.

I dont hav the heart to tell you that the quilt is a decoration... lol. you hang in over a banister or hang it on a wall. its not meant to be used (thats why it is so small lol)

I HATE that I've never asked about contact in between sessions, and that I'm so afraid to call you. I really wish/need to talk to you right now.

Yay T!!

You are the best. Thank you so much for checking up on me today. I did not expect that at all. You are so kind and sweet to me. Sometimes I don’t know why. Especially after yesterday. I love you so much and thank you thank you thank you soooooo much I feel so much better and you are the bestest ever!!!!!!!!! Maybe I will make you a happy drawing

So I did it, I scheduled an appointment with another T in a couple of weeks. I told you about it, and you thought it was a great idea. But now I'm terrified about the idea. I'm going for a consultation, yes, but what if I can't even articulate what's wrong? How screwed up is it to need therapy for therapy?

I know you need to tell me that whatever I do is okay. But I really, really wish you would tell me you would like to keep working together.

T,

U said 2/3 days in the hospital. This was second day, but 1st full day... So... How many more? I don't know if u meant full days or not. I miss you.

Dear T,

Tonight was a tough session and I almost left in total despair. But somehow (?) you changed that. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! For not letting me walk out in that state of mind. You gave my feelings validation and said you understood why I feel the way I do. You said we'd continue our discussion next week and that gave me some hope to hold onto. I need you so much and I desperately need the comfort you give.

i think that, should I go to my next session, it'll prove telling how good you really are at your job if you are truly able to help repair this situation.

dear t, i don't know what the goal was tonight, but all i am thinking now is, why wait?

it seems like every time i feel collaboration with you, you feel it too and run for the hills. i am sorry. i hate me too.

i was totally excited when you told me "i get you" a couple of appts ago, i actually felt hope. it just seems like now maybe you didn't really say that, or maybe you said and didn't realize who you were actually talking too?

ps tonight wasn't the night to be yawning. it just added fuel to the fire.
pss you should have just cancelled
ppss i don't have any hope left