Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear t:
Now I feel really dumb for leaving a voice message about any openings on Monday. But I am in a rough place right now. Tuesday morning you will probably see me cry for the first time.

T-I'm really embarrassed about that text message I sent you the other day after our session. So, considering next week is my off week- can you please just delete it, pretend you never saw it and forget about it before our next session? Please and thank you.

Jersey, I would tell your t that... I'm sure he/she would be more than happy to do that for you...

T,

I miss you. So much. I think about you every hour of every day. A bit excessive, I know, but I can't help it. I just want u to come back

At night, I hug Sam and I think about you.

T,

When you told me on Tuesday, you didn't realize I NEEDED therapy , until now. Then you back pedaled and said , well as much therapy... what am I supposed to do with that? Great a year later you final get I'm a little off....nice.

Dear T

I really wish we could have left things in a good place. You ****ed up, but so did I. I wasn't thinking rationally. Hurt child mode again. This has all just been so hard, this last couple months or so. I knew this break would be difficult for me - I feel like you should have known that too - and I just felt like I asked for this ONE thing, and then it didn't happen, and then I felt rejected and stupid. Triggered bigtime. Unravelled. I wish I could have handled it better.
Sorry.

X
PS: I'm going to try to talk with you know who and get some perspective.

I'm not sure what I'm doing

Dear T,

I'd really like to see you before Friday but I'm too scared to text and ask as I feel I shold use this as a practice for when you go away.
Can you just read my mind and text me instead?

dear T,

I really want to text you and see if you have any spaces to see me earlier next week. friday seems so far away but it also feels good practice for when you go away.
I can't work out if you'd be proud of me for asking help or annoyed with me.
Please just read my mind and get in touch?

t um i did something i said i wasn't going to do and um yes i'm going to tell you that i did it because i want your help to figure out why i did it when i know you were right to say i shouldn't do it but um i did it anyway - i got back in touch with j and she responded. 'oh dear' is what you will say when i tell you

Help! I want u back! I can't see the other t! No!!!! I want u back. Cuz none of this would happen if u were still here!

T,

I feel so let down. Being gentle and hearing me now...it's just not enough after everything. You didn't even say sorry in person, you just asked if I had more to say about it all. I even said sorry! I said that although I had a big reaction, I was still sorry for taking it out on you.

I'm so of lost for words. The only reason I had to ask for help was because of what has happened during my recent appointments, because of all that you said, and took away. It changed my opinion of myself, the world, everything. So I asked for your help in a way I never have in four years. It was so surprising, after everything, to be so completely forgotten. You knew how hard it was for me to ask, and what had led to me asking. You still forgot so completely. I guess I didn't even cross your mind in that time, despite making it clear that I was feeling pretty desperate. You know I don't say that sort of thing lightly. Just the once in four years.

I'm not really over it. Everything has changed. You say nothing has changed...I guess everything I believed was an illusion. I made the relationship into something more special in my mind than it actually is. When I've never had that sort of stable relationship before, that was what allowed me to really move forwards with my life. Now I've lost that. It wasn't just you forgetting, it was all the things you said before that happened too. Can you imagine how it feels to lose the one close, stable, supportive, reliable, caring relationship you've ever had? It feels like a huge loss...and I don't know if you being a bit more gentle with me now, and hearing me is helping me enough to get through this.

Mostly I'm on my own now. It feels different, after having you for the last few years. It feels like it used to be though. It makes me feel numb.

I can't help but compare you to my old therapist and feel that you just don't measure up.

You are such a kind person, and willing to help. I just don't think you can. Maybe it's just me.

Sometimes I hate you.

And sometimes I think you're the only person who understands me, who could help me, save me, free me.

Dear t:
It's bad today.
Me

U texted back. Happy u are being discharged today... Although... U didn't answer my question about sub t's cancelation policy. I guess I will call and hope for the best... I miss you!

I'm having psychomotor retardation.

My thoughts are derailing.

I've got some depressive apathy thing going on with me. And I just discovered that I have lost some weight, despite Thanksgiving.

I know I should be comfortable telling you all of this, but I am not. I feel ridiculous being depressed since I am hopped up on TWO anti-depressants now. But it makes sense that I am depressed. I am perfectly justified in being depressed. So when I see you on Monday, I'm going to sit down and just say it. If I can't say it, I will write it on a slip of paper and hand it to you. I'm not going to apologize or try to put on a happy face. I'm just going to tell you that I'm sick and that I don't know what to do about it.

T,

I am ashamed to see you after last session. We need to talk about that subject more. I want you to tell me what you REALLY think! I know it doesn't matter, but it does to me. I know you don't like labels. I'm just confused and I need you to help me. Are you SURE nothing is TMI? I had a dream that I ran away from you and ended up in a stranger's house after wandering around the city. But you found me and I ran back to you! I never dreamed about you before. I think I'm in uncharted waters and I need you to help me swim and not drown.

Love,
rainbow

hi t thank you for giving me your email address before you moved. i sent you an email earlier with a copy of the active imagination i did this evening. part 1 of my homework for our next phone session! have i ever said thank you for teaching me that? such a helpful technique for understanding my dreams.

thank you for your response. you heard me and understood. i do like and appreciate you a great deal.

You'll be proud of me. I actually did some very pointed journalling about our "favorite" topic this week. I'll bring it with me tomorrow so you can have a look.

T,
I feel so alone right now. I think I have made alot of progress this week. Thank you for sitting with me.and my shame. It was so uncomfortable. I am afraid to go to work tomorrow because anything I am told to do goes in one ear and out the other. It is so scary not to be able to focus or remember. This is so humiliating. My brain hurts. I wish I could find a job and work from home. How will I make it? I have to work and make money but fearing what I have been failing at so long is detrimental. I don't have a life because I know I have to go back where I can't keep up and everyone knows it. I feel like such a loser, incompetent, anx dependent. I don't belong. I am so anxious. If I can't figure out what other jobs I can do that wouldn't require me to be around alot of people, it is going to drive me into the ground. Please, please help me with this. I can't continue to go on trying to work with and understand people when I don't. I have one job that I would have to take a few classes for, and it would take me until next year to finish. I don't know. I am ashamed of who I have become. I want to be helpful and productive instead of self focused. I want to get better. Thanks for helping me. I still love myself, I just feel afraid and frustrated so I can't feel it. I need to remember to ask you about self states. Over and out

Dear T...

Do you see all this honesty and all this opening up and keeping my guard down? It's scary because it gives you way too much power. I think you know that you are able to influence me at this point because I'm so vulnerable. I trust you but that trust worries me. Letting you see the real me will make you want to leave just like everyone else does.

Dear T,

I'm nervous to see you tomorrow after my tantrum last week. I think I will need to hide my face when you open your door to let me in. Ashamed, scared, but need you so much. Please be gentle.

I feel stupid that I canceled my appointment tomorrow. I panicked. I wish you had been there to defend yourself and pursuaxe me that you wouldn't have let me see her unless u really thought she was good. I balked. I'm sry. I guess it shows that I have a lot more to work in therapy. It scares me... Because what is this saying about our relationship? I thought I trusted u... But I guess I really don't.