Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

((Nightlight))

Dear T,

I keep trying to picture you with your family, celebrating Christmas today. I'm having a really hard time doing it. If seems weird to picture you doing "normal" things like cooking a ham or wrapping gifts or drinking too much egg nog. Plus, I have no idea what your family is like, so I don't have much to go on in constructing my mental picture.

It makes me sad that I can't picture you in your life. It's also hard to admit that. I'm not a part of your life, outside our weekly appointments. After all this time, I want to be ok with that, but it's still a struggle.

I'm looking forward to seeing you after the holidays. I'm not sure what I think of our new time/day, and I still need to find childcare, otherwise I'll be toting the baby along. And I know how hard it is to concentrate with her along.

I hope that you're well, enjoying good food and time with your family.

I despise myself right now. I am trying to hold the facade, to keep the mask on so no one will know me. Not like anything matters, because it doesn't. I am so sick to death of all of this. Therapy is going well, it will take time, but meanwhile I hate myself to death in other aspects of my life. BUt who cares, it is just me? I am doing fine with not contact still, but I am nonetheless angry at myself. I hate me now.

Dear T, appt tomorrow.. i still have time to cancel. i dunno. scared, silly, afraid.
please don't get mad at me for sending an email. if you do, that is your choice, but it will also be my choice to leave the session early.
i get in enough trouble on the outside, and do not under any circumstances need to get in trouble from you or your office. i know you don't text. and we are supposed to call. just couldn't do it. only to make appts or if i am in crisis. i cannot just call to ask a question. what if you are in a bad mood.
hell, i don't even know if you checked your email.
ps now i am glad we don't email on a regular basis. this would drive me crazy waiting for a reply.

ps please be gentle, calm, and most of all :ACCEPTING. that is what i am needing acceptance. from yes, you.

I lied. I am mad that you can't fix me.

I know you wish you could, too.

Dear Previous T:

I wish I could send you a letter telling you how much you helped me, but I think you never want to hear from me again. My new therapist is helping me a lot, I thought you would want to know. We are working on shame and I am reading a book he recommended. I feel safe with him.


I miss you still and think of you daily and hope you are doing well. I have started to emotionally detach from you but it is terrifying because what if I become totally detached and you are gone forever? I feel like I am solidifying this fate if I let you go, I guess this process takes time.

I often wonder if you ever think of me in passing, if you wonder how I am, or if I have just faded to nothing. Thank you for being a part of my life, you will forever be a part of me. Namaste

Dear Dr W - I'm going to see if writing this will keep me from sending an email. I don't know if I can carry this around for a week. Once again at session today, you didn't even smile when you greeted me. And you hardly smiled at all during the session. What is going on? Are you doing this on purpose because we've been working on my problem with indifference, or are you just showing emotional honesty? Are you simply not happy to see me? And when did that change?????

Did the rupture affect your feelings for me? Yeah, of course it did, but you know how to repair relationships. Don't you???

This is going to drive me crazy for the next week. Curse you, T!!!! Arggh!!!

Dear T,

I hate therapy being normal. I hate it! I feel okay while I'm there with you and we're talking about my problems, but when I leave I feel depressed. Will the meds make me feel better? I felt good when I talked about my fun day yesterday, but when I left the session I just thought about how I can't be in your life. That hurts me very much. I don't know why but it does. I wanted to know where you were last week though I know it doesn't really matter. I just wanted to KNOW. I have to use radical acceptance because you don't want me to know about your life anymore. In my email, I said I wanted to know the name of your cat and dog, and that was stupid. I know I'm pathetic and sick. I'm glad I'm finally seeing a pdoc and I know you are too.

rainbow

I'm so glad you got stuck in a snowstorm in Ohio! I was going to cancel my session for tomorrow anyway. I'm so frustrated with therapy. I wish my being blind didn't affect you so much, and that you were more comfortable with touch/hugs, and did expressive arts therapy. I think that type of therapy is best for me. I hit a wall just sitting there trying to talk about my problems. And I hate how you talk like a textbook. Who sees someone totally crying and says,"I think you're too upset to self-reflect today." I just don't think your the t for me even though I've only seen you like five or six times, but I don't know where to go from here.

Well I got through Christmas without you as my safety net, although extra Xanax plus leaving only 6 hours between my night meds and morning meds instead of 12 hours played a part in that. I've totally forgotten part of Christmas morning.

My feelings toward you are all over the place - sometimes I feel angry, sometimes upset, sometimes sad, sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes I can actually think of the good stuff and momentarily I feel ok.

It is going to take a long time to forget you and to forget what happened and what didn't happen but should have.

Do you (ie Psychologists) actually "get" how much of an impact you have on our lives?

In some ways, I'm not sure they understand at all - in others I think they do.

I know my current therapist, having heard me talk, at length, about the importance of my old therapist, told me that it will likely change his practice.

Would you like for me to come sit and talk to your therapist about my old therapist as well?

It's too late for me - I terminated 6 mths ago. But if you think it will help someone else . . .

Dear T, thanks for the email reply. it was short, sweet and to the point. i appreciate that so much. mostly, thanks for not being angry. in twelve hours i will be sitting in your office. please remember to keep it gentle, and calm. i am trying, i really am

ps it was great being able to see it in black and white what you wrote. not just hearing it, but actually seeing it really really helps. thank you.

pss no bad dream last night and i actually slept through the whole night!

Dear T:
I drank a 40 of beer on Sunday and I'm in recovery (or was). I'm scared you're going to judge me.

Dear T,
I am hanging in so far. Wish I could have some sort of response from you to get me through this next week as I am struggling each day. But, I will make it and it will be okay...somehow.

Dear T,
I wish I was staying with you over christmas. You sounded so excited telling me about your decorations and all the people who will visit and what you will be doing, if I ever needed one of your hugs it is today T. It is two weeks till I see you again and it is too long.
T I wish your children could have came home and if you are looking for a subsitute daughter, well I am here

Dear T,

I cannot believe I am such a babystepper! That is the last thing I'd ever imagine myself to be in any situation!

I appreciate that you're taking time to work on all aspects of me, while I basically fail at doing my work! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Another darn day of not so much!!!!

Getting there-more comfortable about the issues anyway and not in a panic...I think.

Thanks, T.

T,
Sometimes I realize, about ten minutes before session is over, that you're not going to fix anything for me. That I'm leaving with the same problems I had when I walked in and you aren't here to save me, and somehow I have to deal on my own as I always have. You say this makes me stronger than I realize, but I think it just makes me lonely.

I flipped out after we talked and I wanted to call you and ask you to reassure me. I settled for pretending to hear the words I knew you'd say.

I wish you were a female

I'm going to pick up my new car in a couple of hours - it would have been nice to share this info with you.

You were always impressed with the way I've handled my finances over the years - it would have felt good to impress you once again.

Dear T, thanks for not yelling at me. and thanks for reassuring me that you don't hate me. i still didn't feel any connection. i am thinking that maybe it is time for a break. you didn't seem very eager to be making another appt for me.... you hesitated way too much. like maybe you didn't like what you are getting yourself into.
and i really didn't think i had anxiety... now i know for sure that i do i am not happy about that at all.

i am seriously going to have to think about all of this. i have two weeks, so time will tell.
i really feel like it is time to terminate. especially since i feel so disconnected from you... it feels like you are on another planet whenever i am talking. not a good feeling being alone.

Dear T,

I appreciate you allowing me to email you, even though I probably take advantage of it. I do not however appreciate you suggesting I am obsessed about what pdoc thinks/will do. I'm not obsessed over it, I'm extremely worried about it and would say it is more due to anxiety than obsession. Yes, that's right anxiety...want to know how I know? My skin-picking has increased over the past couple of days, something that only happens when I am anxious. I do not have an issue with male authority figures as you suggested in your email. I actually prefer male doctors over female ones. I know you are just trying to help and seeing things based on your training, but good grief.

Dear T,

You win. Going away next week. Hope I still have a couple of sessions before to talk about helping the kid feel safe.

Thanks. You've been a HUGE help...

Dear t:
I had one of those major "ah ha" moments tonight... but I am afraid to explore it too much. I am almost afraid to share it with you. Because when I share it, it becomes real. Someone else besides me knows it. Then I have to deal with it. I don't want to deal with this. It's a big AH HA.
Me.

ETA: So I will play the usual game... "I have something to share but I don't know if I want to" at which point you tell me it's my choice and I hem and haw and then just blurt it out.