Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

*whimper*

Only 2 more sessions left.

I CAN'T BELIEVE U LET THEM DO THAT TO ME. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM!!!!!!!! I knew it. You are leaving. Not just ohsyically. But mentally too. I can't count on u now either. Fantastic. Might as well just go back to my old ways. At least I knew what to expect. I take comfort in that predictability. Not this. That was total ********. I am not going back

I hope you know how deep u sunk us

((MSwimmy))

Why can't you see what they do? They are more than happy to cause problems and wave all my flaws in front of my face. But when it comes down to it, they don’t know what the **** they are doing. And when things get serious, they have no idea what to do. So they walk away. Or pretend nothing is wrong when the world is crumbling. Its like a triple whammy. Attack, flaunt, abandon. Over and over. It’s a cycle. And I cant tell you how sick of it I am. I thought you were gonna stand up for me. Tell them that it wasn't ok to do that. but you didn't. now what

So you have just two sessions left altogether if I'm understanding right? I'm sorry if you feel you were let down emotionally too.

I do know how much it hurts. I'm losing mine too.

I do also think you're strong enough to keep moving forwards. What she gave you will never leave you. It's understandable if you fall apart for a while too. It's tough and it hurts, a lot. So I can understand that feeling of wanting to give up.

I'm so sorry if she's not going to be the one who is there for you any longer. You will get through this. I know it's awful, but you can do this. I know it doesn't make it less painful for you right now, but so many of us here do understand the pain you're experiencing.

I know that it really helps with the fear of abandonment if you have that stable person there for you for a while. After my four years, I feel SO let down by my therapist, but I know it's not because she's chosen to abandon me.

Ok I know now that I'm on my own. You made it clear that if I wasn't gonna listen to you, then u weren't gonna help me. Well u are. Just not in the same way as before. It's up to me. You almost seem... Bitter. I don't know. I just want u to know that I'm sry. Im sry. I miss you already...

Dear T,

Therapy is like marriage to me. I mean that I am getting the love and feelings from you that I should be getting from __. I want you to punish the part that thinks that. She is bad, isn't she? I don't know why you want anything to do with her! I have to keep trying to make RL better but ended up crying last night because it didn't work.

rainbow

Dear FM,

I was so glad to see you today. Thank you for holding me for such a long, long time, and alleviating my little girl fears about the coming holidays. I was so confident when I made the decision about flying home, and then spoke to the parents. Now I feel like a storm drenched scarety-cat. Ha, ha - heres to adulthood! I wish I could just send the kingager. Nah, I would miss him too much. I need my baby with me for these last few holidays. Soon, some beautiful young woman will want him to spend the holidays with her family, and I will understand. I'll be okay FM flying home. I have lots of hours to prepare with you. Holding me - lots!

We planned on your reading today. It didn't happen, again. As you said your not going anywhere, neither is the book. Instead we had lots of laughing holding, and cuddling. I'm going to miss it when I'm away. I have plans for my friend in Boston to hold me either there or in New York City, my SIL in Virginia, and I'm getting up the nerve to ask dad - the hardest, nevertheless, I want to get to the asking stage. Mom will be so left out. I just don't feel any warmth with her - yet. I will at least try to sit next to her.

Also, thanks again for your feedback on my post re: your thank you. It was comforting to hear what you said about the people that were of a different opinion. It had to do with them and their issues, not about me. Also, thank you for pointing out the positive feedback I got. In my past life I always threw out the good, and focused on the what I perceived as the negative. You were there to remind me not to do that. You said you were really proud of my thread, and that means so much to me!

Thanks FM. I love you a lot!

GTGT

Miswimmy
Wow! Your writing is tragically beautiful. It really touched me, and I wish I could give you a huge hug. I am SO, SO sorry this happened to you! I think that your therapist IS on your side, in fact I KNOW she is. Here's the problem: if she sticks up for you, which I will bet she would, but she knows that your parents have control over whether or not you see her. She knows if she pushes past their defenses, that they may remove you from therapy. This is a VERY tricky situation. Your therapist, I think - correct me if I'm wrong, was ensuring that SHE could be there for you because she KNOWs they won't. Now, I, on the other hand, would have and could have let them KNOW that the way they treat you is NOT O.K. It is NOT even close to O.K. I would have stood up for you because I could have. I honestly think your therapist wants to KEEP YOU as a patient. Because YOU are a KEEPER I am sickened that anyone would treat you in any other manner than what you deserve - to be LOVED and CHERISHED. You are loved and cherished by me, though I know I can't change your past or present. You WILL make it through this, you will! I am SO glad that you are a part of my online life I wouldn't have it any other way

Antimatter,

What beautiful words to Miswimmy1. Wow! Wow! To both of you.

Dear FM,

I have become not a good writer, certainly a prolific one😜.

FM: Ah, but the more prolific you are the more practice you get - the more you practice the better you get. Remind me one day to tell you about my ex's high-school teacher.

Dear T,
You made plane trails across my sky today.
Did you see me waving?

((((((((((((((((((((nightlight)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),
You are in my thoughts. Termination is painful, I know, and it is difficult to explain to people irl. Please know that I am here for YOU! I have been through an ungodly, awful, painful, devastating abrupt termination over three months ago. I am still in massive pain. It helps to process things here on PC. PM me if you EVER need me. I KNOW what you are going through, you are NOt alone! I have read a few of your posts and am concerned for you. Please continue to post and get it all out, anything you say is fine! I am here for you. Take care.

Dear FM,

Here it goes again. All of this just makes me laugh. Like it made us laugh today. I am glad that I have learned not to blame others. My Radar is on. If you don't take on mommy's view then you are a bad little girl. If you say something she doesn't like then, and you don't get in line with her opinion, then you have to be"fixed." Dogs get fixed.LOL I don't have to walk on egg shells. They were broken long ago. There poor children.

That was so touching. Thank u so much! I'm so glad you are part of my online life too!

Thanks so much. I've been trying to be okay, but I'm not doing very well. I don't know what will happen next week. Thank you for saying that you are concerned. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before, not even my therapist. It almost makes me feel, for a second, that I'm worth being concerned over. Silly really.

I don't think I'll be okay this time. Thanks for hearing me.

You are worthyI'll keep you in my thoughts. Keep us posted

xT,
I had hoped the pain would have dissipated by now, but it hasn't. I do work on it with newT, and I NEED to know what happened. I just don't understand how YOU, a person I trusted, a person who said, "You will choose when you terminate. You can stay as long as you like. When you leave, you can come back however often you'd like."

Did you think those things were true until you really found out who I am?

so apparently, you hav some idea about how you are going to communicate with me while you are out. "i have some ideas..." then gleefully: "it will be fun!" that really scares me. i hate surprises. even tho you said it was going to be a good surprise.

its all so messed up. you are there but you aren't. you do things that a friend would do, but then we aren't allowed to be friends. you care but sometimes it seems like you dont. you do things like this that i am so thankful for, but then, i feel like when it comes to the real therapy work, you really aren't there. i dont know... sigh. you would say, "so is the process of therapy." but i hav a hard time believing that is the case for everyone.

Will YOU PLEASE just mail me a letter? If you say, I hate you with a passion and you got what you deserved, at least I will know. I NEED TO KNOW.

Dear FM,

I am finding it harder to want to fly home. I want and need to reveal myself. If I don't they will make me up. ~ V. Satir

GTGT

How does one reveal themself?

Thats lovely.

Lonelybychoice - Thanks. Group therapy with my mind-body, flower pill pushing, thigh tapping group leader is a hoot. She objects to me drinking green ice tea in group. We realized its not the tea. It's the logo on the cup - a chain.