Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Trigger...personification.

Dear T,

I don't want to be dug out. Please let me sit with (name) until I'm no longer comfortable. I don't expect you to understand, let me have this please. It's just me and "her" right now. I don't want anyone /thing else. I promise I won't hide from you. I know I'm getting paranoid and I'm not being honest with pdoc but there's no way meds are the answer. I have enough pressure to choose "her" or my family. Even though everyone knows I'd always choose "her"! Lets just agree to not choose "her" as a focus this session please. I like you but "she'll" win.


Mm

Dear T,

I wish you would just ask me questions. I don't know why you don't.

I'm amused by your response to my angry email. I knew it would be T-speak, but I thought you would say it was "interesting".

When you emailed saying: "Your email is very good. See you Friday to discuss further." I was totally mad at you.

And then I thought: huh. This is the first time in my life I've been able to tell an adult or authority figure why I am angry and upset without them responding with anger, annoyance or invalidation.

Maybe you think that's a good thing. Maybe you think it taught me something important about therapy.

But I think it taught me something pretty lousy about my actual life.

Seriously, I wish you would ask me questions. Why won't you just ask me questions?

L

Dear T,

You say I have choices. I don't trust myself to make them, as every choice I make leads to heartache and more damage done. Seeing you and getting attached might be one of those choices

Dear T
Thank you

Dear T, lots happening today. need to talk but more afraid of talking. like i need to get everything calmed down before i can relax and feel safe to share. when i feel like i am getting cut off when talking about important to me, the safety disappears.

and since i am planning on quitting in July anyways, maybe this is a good cutting down point.
i appreciate you calling, but i felt like an idiot. did you know what was coming????

probably. sorry. i am going to fix things for the future. it is what is best. i cannot be here when my ex gets out of prison. he will destroy me all over again....i tried telling you, but you just aren't getting it.... so that leaves me all alone. tough when you have a t....

I really wanted to talk about my whole sleeping and not wanting do anything versus only getting 4 hours of sleep, feeling energized, not wanting to sleep, and feeling able to accomplish everything, but instead you (we) spent the whole session talking about my alcoholic family and my dad's girlfriend. I really wanted to talk about that, but I know you'll probably just tell me to find a routine, make a schedule, take melatonin, and sleep. Those things are just easier for you to say than for me to actually do. My mind/thoughts just don't slow down for me to accomplish that. I can make a schedule and try to have a routine, but thoughts will start coming and I won't be able to stick to it, or I'll have so many thoughts (of things I want to accomplish & worry) that I don't even want to take melatonin or if I do I just think right over it, or I have set such high goals that I get up really early to start my day. I just wish you could understand. I'm tired of this not getting out of bed versus not sleeping much and both of those combined with the racing thoughts and worry. I really wanted to talk to you about medication- it's not giving in, I just want help. You asked if I wanted an appointment in 3 or 10 days and suggested 10 since I've seemed to have been doing better at the end of last year and now. I should have told you 3 so we could discuss this and not have went along with your 10 you suggested. I don't know what your email policy is either.

I feel like ****. I feel quite hopeless in regard to my life and future. But Monday is my birthday, and I don't want to talk about any of that - what's the use? I just want a hug, and to enjoy your company for a little while.

Dear T. Thank you for seeing me again. I am gonna cancel our next appointment. Apparently I am acting very mean and attacking on the forum I told you about. Even got for because someone has to be paid to talk to me.

Remember our conversation once. I am letting go. Blesh you for trying and sorry for everyone I have hurt in here.

The end.
LBC.

WHY do I keep thinking about calling you? I resent how much space you take up in head and my heart. I'm so ticked that I want your reassurance that I am not a horrible person. I should be able to do this myself, the way I always have.

i know that's not true, actually. i have never reassured myself that I was not a horrible person. I have always thought I was horrible and just tried to live with it. I am such a mess these last couple of weeks. back and forth. back and forth.

T, I want to tell you it's over between us.

Dear T, i put in a call, so hopefully, maybe next week you can call and we can talk and get this sorted out???maybe

***if the message doesn't get lost, stuck under paperwork, forgotten, thrown in the trash, etc.*** then i might get a call?!?!?

((Skysblue))

I don't know, T. I just don't know.

T, I liked it last session when you stretched your arm across the back of your chair and look all relaxed and glad to be there talking to me.

I told you I love you, but I really do love you, for real, and I would love you even if you were not my psychiatrist!

. @@@
. \. .|. /
. .\. |. /
...\. | /...

Dear T,

I am lost. I don't know who to believe or who to trust. Those two people have killed the confidence and self esteem I had left. How can they be so cruel and hurtful when all I did was show them love, care and kindness. Why am I made to be the bad one when for once I'm not. I don't think you can fix this, I don't think I can fix this. The few people I have told said the things said aren't true, but it hurts me so very much that people might believe any of it. How can things get so twisted and sour when they were so perfect at the beginning. I don't understand.

Thank you for telling me that you're proud of me for being so dedicated to attending our therapy sessions when most other patients with my diagnosis aren't able to. It was a real boost to my self-esteem. Now that we're getting into yet another diagnosis, things are going to get very difficult. But I'm very determined to put my best foot forward and continue to make him proud of me and our work together.

Dear t,

I really don't like you. It's not you personally. It's that you don't listen we'll enough. Plus you stare at me when you are deep in thought and it freaks me out.
Plus the decorations in your room set off my OCD like crazy.

Not to mention that you know nothing about me. You don't know about my dad beating me, or my other personalities, or my OCD, really you don't know me. And still you try to "fix" me. Well I don't want to be fixed. I'm happy with myself.

AND STOP TELLING ME TO LOOK UP BIBLE VERSES!!! I'm not that kind of person.

You really piss me off. I want somebody I can talk to. Not another person to tell me I'm not perfect.

You told me to bring my poetry next time I see you. But im going to "forget" it. I don't want you reading my personal thoughts and feelings. Especially since they are mostly about my other personality trying to kill me.

I don't like you. And I don't want to talk to you anymore. You make things worse.

Sincerely, Girl

Dear T

I have finally accepted that things have come to end and we will say are goodbyes on Friday.

Dear t,
You were right. All along you were right.
But now I a really triggered by what I've learned. I don't want to discuss this on Wednesday, but I will. One step forward, two steps back.

Dear T,

I’m sorry if this offends you but I have to get this off my chest. This is very, very difficult for me to address, and I feel like I’m taking a huge risk addressing this with you. If this were any other relationship, I would just ignore these feelings and not say anything. Since this is not any other relationship, and a place where I am supposed to be completely open and honest with you and myself, I’m going to push beyond my comfort zone and tell you this.

I feel like you don’t trust me – that I won’t return, that I’ll stop coming if you make a mistake. I felt that in previous sessions, and again Friday. Maybe I’m over analyzing or being very sensitive. It was the way you kept mentioning and making sure I understand about me needing to keep our sessions “hidden” from my husband, which I agree with, and I’m fully aware of. I’m telling you that I have it under control, and I realize the importance of keeping it from him but I felt that you didn’t realize that I know the importance of being careful and ensuring my husband doesn’t find out, and that I have had to live with similar secrets and doing things behind his back for years. Even after I told you this, I feel like you don’t trust me. I felt this way in a previous session, and even in the beginning when we discussed the prospect that I would eventually be commuting weekly for sessions.

I got the feeling that you wouldn’t trust me to commit to coming, and even in one of our recent sessions, that you didn’t think I was going to return because you wanted me to have a reminder of you, of our sessions (like your card or leaflet or you mentioned I can always refer to your website). Am I misinterpreting your intentions? Have I given you reason not to trust me? I know there was one session where I admitted that I almost didn’t come, and didn’t want to come, but somewhere I found the strength to follow through. I’m committed, I don’t take my commitments lightly, and I am always true to my word. Please believe me, trust me, and know that in the short time we have been working together, our sessions and you have become so important, like an anchor to me – keeping me rooted, giving me hope when I thought there was none, making me think about the “future me”. I WANT to improve myself, to get over my issues. I can’t do that if I don’t feel 100% that you are behind me and if I feel that you are doubting my commitment, or make me feel defensive or that I have to prove myself to you.

The rational side of my brain WANTS to say that you are behind me, and supporting me, and trust me, but the emotional side is not buying it. Maybe it stems from my past issues, my childhood, my mother? My husband? A previous relationship? Maybe I don’t trust myself? Sometimes I can’t help feeling that I am just “a paying client” to you, and not like one of your local clients who don’t have the situation I have, the inconvenience of not being local, and the issue of time deadlines. You mentioned 90 minute sessions, phone sessions. Why? Do you think I need those? Are you just letting me know what options are available? Is it the issue of the distance? Sometimes I feel that you don’t want me as a client because I’m not local. I thought when I told you I’ll be in town for another month, that you would be relieved, happy, because that would be more time that we can have “regular sessions” for at least a month.

Please know that I will NOT put high expectations and pressure on you. I know you’re human, that mistakes are bound to happen, regardless of what those mistakes may be, whether it’s canceling a session last minute after I drive up here, or slipping up and calling me by a different name. If you have to cancel at the last minute, hopefully we will reschedule, I’m flexible, I’ll stay a few extra days if necessary, or if that’s not possible, we will work something out. I don’t want you to feel pressured by me. I’m a forgiving and understanding person, if something happens that you do have to cancel a session after I drove up or if you do slip up and call me a different name, it will be fine, we will hopefully talk it out and work through it. Yes, it will hurt, I may feel betrayed for a bit, but I will move past it. I know it would have been an accident and not intentional and that would be the important part to me. Our sessions going forward and the work we’ve done so far is too important to me to let a mistake like that become an obstacle. I’m forgiving of accidents, of unintentional mistakes if they are from someone I trust.

I realize I’m probably blowing this out of proportion, and being overly sensitive and immature. For that, I’m sorry. Just tell me I’m overreacting and misinterpreting what you said previously so I can put this behind me and we can continue moving forward.

Dear T,

Bi Weekly sessions are not enough, yet weekly is too frequent and I wouldn't be able to afford that anyway. So where the hell is the medium? Why can't I just be satisfied that I am able to get in there at all? There are many people in my situation who would not be able to come ever. So, why can't I just take what I can get, accept it, and be happy? I know why. Because I miss you between sessions even though you allow me to reach out as needed. Because my weekly sessions were ripped out from underneath me before I was ready to go bi-weekly because of H losing his job. I hate that I didn't have a choice because of these circumstances. I would probably feel better about these bi-weekly session if I changed it because I wanted to, not because I had to. I hate that I need to see you. I hate that I struggle between these sessions. Most of all, I'm selfish. like I said I should be able to just take what I can get and be happy, but no. I'm selfish. I want more and I hate me for that.

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OK so I asked for 90 minutes next session, and at the very same time I said 'never mind'.

that is exactly where I am right now.

Bear with me, T.......................