Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

I FEEL psychotic. I always feel like my xT is all around me. It is like when someone dies, you think you see them or hear them different places. I can't stop. This is crazy-making. It is like I don't want to believe he is really gone, so I keep holding onto any vestibule of hope. I'm a bit out of control on this one.

I am still okay. I am feeling a lot of things, but not clingy. I still feel the connection because we will both be reading the same book when I get it. I'm so odd, to have reading a book help me feel connected, lol. It's really odd but funny. A huge thing that has always been for me, is that I want others to think about me when I am not around. My worry when I feel clingy is that no one will think about me or remember me. I have no clue as to why I think this, but I do. It's' like if people don't think about me, then I'm not real. So, you reading the book tells me that you will think of me at least once maybe. And that's all I need.

Dear T,

You were wonderful tonight. You were on top of your game with how you handled me. But (yea there's a but), I don't think you realize how very much I you. I can't actually say it and you would't want to hear me say it, so I'll spare you the awkwardness of it all. But I do. Can't you feel the love in the room? I wished, hoped and actually thought you might express some kind of feeling for me tonight. Am I crazy or what? The hopeless romantic in me was disappointed, as usual. In my dreams you tell me how much you care for me, it's easy in my dreams. That's why real life $*@!%. Please don't wake me from my dream.

Dear T: You're great. You are the first male in my life to have respect for me, not abuse me or take advantage of me, and to actually listen to me and care about all the abuse that has happened to me. I saw that caring in you today when I talked about it. You said you thought I did remarkably well considering all I have been through. I don't agree. I think I have done awful, but then that is probably more about how I think of me than how I really am. For now, it is just enough for you to think that of me. It gives me a sense of hope and just the tiniest bit of self esteem, pride. Thank you.

I know I had so much to say today and could only get through so much, but it was still hard to wrap up so quickly. When you opened the door and there was someone waiting right there, I realised that I couldn't even say goodbye properly. I just said "thanks for all of this year" and you called out "have a good Christmas" as I left. You said it was okay to text so I sent a heartfelt text to say a little of what I couldn't say as I left. I said how much you meant to me, that I hoped you had a great Christmas, that I would miss you so much, and that I was sorry for the difficulties I've caused. You said "that's fine and thanks". It broke my heart. I've tried to be rational, but I've always needed the relationship, feelings...and now...I can't tell if you're still there. It would have helped me to hold on if you'd given me a tiny little bit of something. Wished me well too...or anything. Anything at all. I don't know how to hold on for so long now. I wish I hadn't risked reaching out in text. I've never been good enough for anyone, and I guess after all these years...I don't mean very much to you either. I know there's something wrong with me and that no matter how much I do or how hard I try...nobody, nobody, not a soul actually likes me. Nobody...not even you. I really thought you did. I thought you did.

Hey Nightlight - I'm so sorry your T has been so absent lately. I felt sad reading your post. Your T just seems off, and her text was hurried at best and thoughtless and dismissive at worst.

I know you don't know me, but for what it's worth, I like you.

I don't get to see you Monday because it is Christmas Eve, and I'm really missing you. I really wish you could come to my house and talk to me and take care of me. Being depressed is bad and being physically sick is bad, but when you combine them, it is miserable. I don't know how I'm going to survive until I get to see you on the 31st.

Thanks for the great session with my son and I today. He really feels relieved to have gotten things out in the open and have some hope that things will improve for him. You are SO good with him. I really love sitting there watching you work your magic with him.

i miss you

I'm so sorry this happened. It has happened to me all too often as well in the past. Just know you are being held in my heart and I am sending you well wishes and prayers. I care about you. Yes, I do. Even if I have never met you. Your beauty shows through your words. Please have a blessed Christmas and know you are not alone.

Seriously, huge thanks to everyone who noticed my distress. It means so much to me and at such a difficult time too. I know many others go through really rough spells in their therapy too, and I read about them, and notice, and relate to them too.

This is about the least awful thing that's happened with my T this last month. There were some bad moments during the last appointment too. The last month and a bit has been so hard and I've fought with everything to fix it, but it's not working. I just wanted this last session to be okay...so I could be okay for the break. When it wasn't okay, I tried to fix it in a way that was okay with T, with the text. And after everything...her response...it was just too much.

Likelife, you really made my morning, to wake up and see your heartfelt message back to me (even if T isn't capable of giving me one or hearing mine)!

Lauru, that was about the kindest, nicest thing anyone could have said to me at the moment. I haven't stopped crying since I read it, because it's been so painful that I've been forgotten by T so many times, received so much of her anger, and been so dismissed, even though I've fought so hard to stay so positive...and then to be noticed so kindly by you, it means a lot. A lot.

Just wanted to say thanks everyone. Thanks for noticing.

Dear T,
Everyday I look in the mirror and see the biopsy bruise and I feel like I want to punch something. I am angry and upset and scared. I wish I could afford to see you more often, but it looks like I may have to cut back on sessions with you. There's just not enough money.

I was just thinking back on a particular session we had.. must have been around January 2012.. and the memory made me smile. You have skills, lady. You really brought me out of myself. Sometimes I forget how far we've come. We have had such a great connection, such a great therapeutic relationship. I know we've been going through a rocky patch, but I (still) think the world of you, you sneaky button-pusher! Please join me back in the boat. I'll stop fighting over that oar with you.

I hope I can find words when I see you. That you WILL still see me. (Preferably on your first day back at work, too - I was only half kidding about that, what you playing at making me wait another day?! )

I feel like I'm sinking. Drowning. There's so much that we need to work on. So many things that you've pointed out as we talk, things that you want to help me with. Things you hope to help change. And I have goals of my own that I want too. I really need you to help keep me afloat during this all. It's a very big change and I'm so not good with changes. Please help me. I'm scared.

...and re-reading that made me want to cry. Dammit I thought I'd be able to handle the 2 week break. What am I supposed to do? I won't bother you during the holidays, regardless of how many times you tell me I'm not bothering you. No one wants to 'work' during the holidays. No one wants to deal with other people's problems. And I don't want to be a downer during your holiday. So I won't.

Dear T,

I want you to know I'll be O.K. for the next 2 weeks. Even if I have some bad days or really bad moments, I'll be O.K. The holiday is just another day right? Maybe I can get a lot done around the house or just relax and read PC threads. I may not watch TV or listen to radio at all. I don't need it and I've had many a quiet holiday before. I just block out all the things that the media tells me I'm supposed to be interested in/doing.

I miss you already and it's only been 2 days since my last visit. I wish I could be with you, if only for a little while. Hope you really do have a nice Christmas and New Year's. I also hope you get to kiss someone under the mistletoe, even if it's not me.

I'm itching to email you. But I know it's better that I don't. It's not like you said I couldn't.. but I don't want you to be overwhelmed by an inbox full of nonsense when you get back. Plus, my emotions are so up and down that things I write may be irrelevent by the time you read them... Plus, because I don't know how things are between us, writing feels like a risk.. I don't want to make things worse.. or make myself even more vunerable.. or feel any more shame... yes, it's just better I don't write. But I miss you. I want to tell you things. Your being completely absent from my life is hard to bear.. I'm not sure it's something I can get used to. I hope I don't have to.. ever, really.. but certainly not yet. I need my 'training wheels' back.

Dear T,
i sent you an email. my very first one. i don't know if you will read it. it was a link to a blog. all i put in the subject line was "see attached, thank you. and the link. no other words at all.

we need to discuss this. hopefully this will help. i don't want a reply, i don't want a discussion on emailing. just wanted to share something with you. please don't be angry or mad or anything bad.
please just make me feel okay and not weird or in trouble.
thanks, me

I'm drinking too much again. I think it's the holidays, but it's so tempting to just keep on with it.

I don't miss you as much as I thought I might. It bugs me that you said we'd be missing one and a half weeks. Although I guess that's technically true, I won't see you until two and a half weeks after our last session. Eh, never mind, you're right. It doesn't matter.

I wish you would talk with me about missing sessions, ask me what my experience of it is. I'm too chicken to bring it up. Don't want you thinking I can't live without you or anything! Ahem.

I am doing well. I am still depressed and unmotivated but I still don't feel clingy I am reading the Nathanson book on Shame, and it is really interesting! Happy Holidays.

T,

I wonder if you're still in the same city as me or if you've gone away yet. I hope you're having a lovely break.

Merry Christmas!

You mean a lot to me. I hope you're looking after yourself and you continue do to that next year. You're really special to me. So I hope you can continue to do your job next year in a way that keeps things less stressful (for us both ). I hope we're okay next year and that you'll continue to help me too.

Lots of love,

Somebody who cares

Dear T,
Feeling so depressed. Just need to keep going day after day regardless of how much I want to give up. So very tired and ready for this awful year to be over already.

Dear T,

I've been thinking of you....

Hope you're having a lovely time. I imagine today to be fun with your family, the kids opening their gifts, etc... can tell you think the world of them.

Christmas is almost over. Less than a couple of hours to go. I've had quite a lot to drink but I feel fine (yay for no medication interacting with alcohol). I wonder if I crossed your mind once today. I'm sure I didn't. Particularly because of all the difficulties we've had recently, as soon as I woke up, I thought of you...and all of those struggles. The relatives house I was at this evening, I've been there before, but it was the first time I'd chosen to sit in the chair I chose tonight. It wasn't until I sat in it that I realised that it was exactly like the chair in your office. It was actually a bit more comfortable, super comfortable, but the height, angle, arms, everything was so similar. It was quite weird. That made me think of you (and it was like my safe place, very weird). I realised after a while that I was fidgeting with the arms of the chair in a way that I only do when I'm in your office (because I'm so uncomfortable talking about myself that I'm usually crawling out of my skin).

I hope you're well. I'm sure it would be a nice thing, a healthy thing, if you were busy enjoying yourself and not thinking about long term clients like me. This is going to be a long, long break for me....and I'm thinking of you, and really, I know you're not thinking of me. I wonder if you will read the card I made you, and what you'll think too. Perhaps you'll just realise that's it's as pathetic as I am.

Hi T,

Yes it's me again. I know, I'm getting sick of hearing myself too. I'm just not sure what else to do right now. We left things in a less than fantastic way. The last session, even the last two, thankfully were a wee bit better. I know you're trying. I just don't understand how you're not hearing me, hearing why I still need to talk about this stuff, hearing how much I've been hurt. I still feel sad that after our almost four years together than I didn't get to say goodbye properly before the break. I needed to do that because things have been so shaky. I needed one little connecting moment at the end. I tried in the text and you seemed to completely ignore my heartfelt message. It would have taken so little to help me. A very small reassurance, that you'd heard me and that you were still responding to me, and trying to help me get through this. You used to try so hard to help me through these times and now it feels like I'm fighting, fighting, fighting...and nothing comes of it.

You said you were present, other than being so tired. If you are, then have I previously just imagined that we have more of a relationship than what we actually do? You do know that you mean so much to me? I mean, how am I supposed to learn to build a healthy attachment when the person I'm attached to doesn't care back about me like I care about them? Is it possible? Do you actually like me anymore? It seems like you are so frustrated with me all of the time despite how hard I'm trying and how much I'm still improving. It makes me feel like you must resent me, deep inside yourself. I'm not even sure if you realise that you do. I think something about me is clashing with something inside of you, and I never realised how bad it was but now you've told me (and you've shown me). I'm trying so hard to fix it, to fix my own mistakes...but it's like even that doesn't matter or get me anywhere. You still seem to be missing how hard I'm working to fix my mistakes...and you're still often responding to me with distance, disconnection, or anger and frustration. I am frustrated because I'm trying so hard all of the time and it's not fixing anything, and I don't know what more I can do.

Please, just come back to me after the break...as you. I don't know how we fix something so big in 50 minute weekly sessions. It doesn't feel possible and it doesn't feel fair that I just have to keep hanging on. I don't know what I did that was so wrong.

You know when things first started to go so wrong? When you accused me of not trying so many times? When you were very angry and raised your voice for the whole session and didn't respond to me while I sat there feeling so horrific? It started because you thought I was resisting you. throwing up a wall. You felt like you'd been physically hit you later told me. Since then we've discussed how I don't cry in front of people. I wasn't sitting there in front of you in that much of a state because I was just processing things (like you thought was typical of people who were crying). That's not like me at all. I fought so hard not to cry in front of you for well over 3 years. How could you think that I was simply processing things when I was suddenly in that much of a state? Do you remember that this is me? Are you responding to me as a unique person? Often what you're doing now feels like it's generic responses, reactions, and comments that should help people in general...but none of it's helping me. You weren't like that once.

So since then we've discussed the crying and how it's a big thing for me. You hadn't realised that after all these years? I told you the only reason I was now crying was because I was trying SO hard not to resist myself. It is happening because for the first time, in my life...I'm truly not automatically blocking the hard stuff and instantly looking away from it. I'm trying so hard to share it with you, like you wanted. So in that initial hard session when you got so angry because I was "NOT TRYING"...did you realise that I was crying at the time when I was trying to answer you, before you got angry? Do you realise that it was happening because I was looking at really hard things inside myself that made me so distressed that I actually cried in front of another human being? I didn't answer your questions correctly, you kept telling me I was resisting. Don't you realise I didn't know I wasn't answering the correct question and I thought I was trying? I was even crying because I wasn't looking away from the awful stuff. I wasn't resisting you. I was resisting myself far less than usual in fact.

That's why this all feels so unfair and I'm so confused about why things have continued to get worse and worse. It was bad enough to begin with...and then you forgot to call me when I most needed it. The one time I've asked. Then there's all the other stuff, like being so disconnected and dismissive towards me. I've been trying and fighting so hard the whole time...and even though I'm not sure I made a mistake big enough to justify what's happened, I'm still fighting to fix every part of myself that led to the misunderstandings we've had. I've fought with everything I've got...and right before the long break...I don't even get to say goodbye. When I risk reaching out in text...after everything, with my heartfelt thanks and apology for my part in it all, you reply "that is fine and thanks".

Anyway T. I guess that's it. This is making the break very hard. I don't know how to fix this in once weekly 50 minute time slots...I guess I'm going to be coping with this for a long while.

Yes. I know. I'm very, very sick of hearing myself.

I hope you're well though. You mean a lot to me, so whether you like me or not, want to keep working with me or not...I hope things for you are good.

Take care,

From the idiot who has far too much to say, no one to say it to, and not enough time to say it all to you.