Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Touch of gray · Nov 23, 2012, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Touch of Gray,
Have you asked if he can see you more often? Once every four weeks seems like a maintenance schedule and you sound like you might need more at this point. I guess some clients come and go, so if you ask maybe he can put you on the waiting list and give you the same time/day every week or every two weeks, whatever you are thinking. Just wondering? I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

thanks for the encouragement. i think i'll try to muster up the nerve to ask about that. there's nothing especially good about therapy the way it is now. i hope you had a nice holiday today. (m
y turkey turned out very good.)

Nov 23, 2012, 07:42 AM

Dear FM,

Thanksgiving was good. We spent time with friends and their family and friends. The food was delicious, and the friends were comfortable. I hope the holiday went swimmingly for all of you.

Have not gotten the lawyer stuff finished...ahh started. I made that pact that I would, I think there is time before I see you today. Why is it so hard to go after what is rightfully my kiddo's? It has kept me more depended on FOO for all the luxuries., including therapy, since you don't take insurance. I know the man is suppose to reimburse me 50%, but it's easier just to forget he could be a source for anything and pretend he doesn't exist. Also, no increase in payments in 14 years as his income doubled. My craziness says if I don't annoy him after 16 plus years he will finally want to play daddy. You ask what the reality is after all these years? I keep hoping. I think every child needs to happy parents. I wanted the perfect family for my kid and his sister. I feel I blew it for both, but if I sit tightly he will at least acknowledge my kid. I know it's a pipe dream, and I need to stop and just let the court decide what is right and not let him off the hook. I am going to try to remember to bring the papers to your office today, and maybe look at them together.

Gah! I don't want to deal with this stuff...him. This is the happy season. I'm really happy. Can't I put it away till next year?

likelife · Nov 23, 2012, 08:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nightlight

T

Nice to know when I'm feeling a bit suicidal (yes I'm angry and being sarcastic by saying "bit" because you either are or you aren't) and I ask for help, you'll agree to help me, and then...forget. Thanks for the four years. This wasn't the thing to forget. This wasn't the ending I expected. I've worked so hard the last few weeks to get back on top of everything, after you spent an entire session lecturing me. Even though you think that was in response to me and my emotions, it was too much, you took it too far and I didn't deserve it.

Although that session wasn't as bad as being forgotten at a time like this. It was always so hard for me to ask, and risk asking. It was a vulnerable thing to do, particularly at this time, when you've already started changing boundaries in a way I never expected. Because I'm so respectful of any boundary, I was shocked you'd need to.

And when I push myself to still be vulnerable and risk asking, like you wanted, I was not passive, like you wanted. I had to ask more than once, and you offered help when I most needed it...and you didn't come through. I was so worried that you might not be okay, and I'm glad that's not the case, but you "forgot". Thanks.

I think the saddest thing might be that it was the first time I knew you were going to follow through with what you said you'd do. You haven't always, and so I try not to hope, but this time, I knew you would...but you didn't.

So this might be my final goodbye T. I haven't decided if I can sit through this in person.

I'm so sorry your T dropped the ball, Nightlight. This sounds heart wrenching. I hope that you've got some support outside of T. My heart goes out to you.

Nov 23, 2012, 08:53 AM

Dear FM,

I'm glad we have a good relationship, and that it includes touch. I remember being one of the "UNTOUCHABLES," glad I'm not anymore. I would hate to be one of those clients that sticks with a therapist and wakes up two or thee years and more and says this isn't working for me. What a waste of my time and theirs. Your right I gotta stop reading about them. They can stop me from taking in the good stuff, but i wont give them that power. Don't want to end up like them - in the same place. I wanna be me. It's about moving forward in therapy. Thanks for having my back.

Nov 23, 2012, 09:18 AM

Dear FM,

I don't think I'll bring the court papers. I would rather talk about coexisting, and playing nice. PC.

Nightlight · Nov 23, 2012, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by likelife

I'm so sorry your T dropped the ball, Nightlight. This sounds heart wrenching. I hope that you've got some support outside of T. My heart goes out to you.

I don't have anybody, so seriously thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot.

10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Dear FM,

I don't think I'll bring the court papers. I would rather talk about coexisting, and playing nice. PC.

On Fri, Nov 23, 2012 at 8:08 AM, wrote:

GTGT: Can we go on the forum. Im pissed off and I'm on a search and destroy mission,and want it to end before it affects my kid and others.

FM: We can. As always it is your session to address what you think is most important to you

GTGT: I'm on my way. Don't want to react from my amygdala, I want to use cognitive abilities to solve. Don't want to be mean.

Miswimmy1 · Nov 23, 2012, 03:21 PM

Thank you for helping me come up with ideas for how to make the absence as painless as possible. thank you for emailing me (usually you dont initiate the email conversations). both actions let me know that you are there for me. I need that reinforcement right now.

I am so so so afraid for the upcoming month. so afraid. it takes my breath away and I feel like my body is being torn in pieces, and my heart doesn't know which way to go. it is cold fear. for me. for you. for everything we hav worked towards. i feel like its all on the line. balancing precariously. what if it falls?

tigerlily84 · Nov 23, 2012, 03:27 PM

Foolishly, I thought that our sessions would exist in a vaccuum. (I.e., we would talk and I could get along with my life... no problem) And this is obviously not the case. Reliving all of these things is so difficult and it makes me want to shut down and not go back to see you. But I have to try because things can't continue the way that they have been. I'm done being that person.

Miswimmy1 · Nov 23, 2012, 03:57 PM

My new pic is one that I took outside your office about a month ago. It is going to remind me of u and that you are still there, no matter what u may be doing or where u may be at the moment. It will be a sign of hope: that I am going to make it through. <3

Nov 23, 2012, 04:00 PM

T,

You loaded me up on way too much information to process the other day. Do you think next week you could turn it down a notch. I couldn't even retain everything you said because it was just too much "textbook" information. Please be human T next session and not robot textbook T.

Nov 23, 2012, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

My new pic is one that I took outside your office about a month ago. It is going to remind me of u and that you are still there, no matter what u may be doing or where u may be at the moment. It will be a sign of hope: that I am going to make it through. <3

Miswimmy1,

It's absolutely beautiful. Have you thought about printing it, and sharing it with those words in a card. I think she would love it.

likelife · Nov 23, 2012, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I don't have anybody, so seriously thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot.

Well, we're here. Feel free to PM me if you'd like too.

likelife · Nov 23, 2012, 05:35 PM

Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me? Or at the very least, very, very tired of me. Me and all of my needs.

Nov 23, 2012, 08:24 PM

T, hope you got moved all safe and sound! talk to you Tuesday! me

Nov 23, 2012, 08:47 PM

Dear FM,

Thanks for going on the forum, and reading my thread. I respect, and accept what you have to say. I will ruminate on it.

I'm really tired, and will call it a night. I'll see you at noon tomorrow.

Love,

GTGT

Nov 23, 2012, 09:30 PM

Dear FM,

I thought I would stay in the mountains tonight, and return in the AM. I can't sleep, so I'm going to wonder home tonight.

Love,

GTGT

~EnlightenMe~ · Nov 23, 2012, 10:20 PM

I am in the worst mood ever. I slept all day and still don't feel well. Self-hatred is all consuming. I wish it would completely consume me already instead of torturing me by dragging it out. I don't have BPD, I am it. I'm not needy, I am it. It isn't MY dependency, I am dependency. It isn't shame I feel, I am shame. Me trying to relate to others is a waste of their time. I ruin all of my relationships. How does one get better from the bottom of the barrel? I hate myself right here and now. Things at work keep happening, I can't make me stop. It may change, but that's how I feel now.

Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Nov 23, 2012, 10:47 PM

Anitmatter, if you're so inclined, read the book: Relationship Managemente of the Borderline Patient . .. OUCH, some of it hurt so much and some if it meant so much to me. It was hard to read this book but it made me realize that I had TRUE responsibility for how I interacted with others. I'm not saying that it didn't hurt, but it made me realize that I had a more of a part in how things happened than I originally wanted to believe.
Take care,! Jaybird!

Miswimmy1 · Nov 23, 2012, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Miswimmy1,

It's absolutely beautiful. Have you thought about printing it, and sharing it with those words in a card. I think she would love it.

That's a great idea! Thanks! Maybe I can work on it while she is gone, as a sort of "get well" gift. It would at least give me something to do

CantExplain · Nov 23, 2012, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I am in the worst mood ever. I slept all day and still don't feel well. Self-hatred is all consuming. I wish it would completely consume me already instead of torturing me by dragging it out. I don't have BPD, I am it. I'm not needy, I am it. It isn't MY dependency, I am dependency. It isn't shame I feel, I am shame. Me trying to relate to others is a waste of their time. I ruin all of my relationships. How does one get better from the bottom of the barrel? I hate myself right here and now. Things at work keep happening, I can't make me stop. It may change, but that's how I feel now.

((Antimatter))

This will pass.

~EnlightenMe~ · 03:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Anitmatter, if you're so inclined, read the book: Relationship Managemente of the Borderline Patient . .. OUCH, some of it hurt so much and some if it meant so much to me. It was hard to read this book but it made me realize that I had TRUE responsibility for how I interacted with others. I'm not saying that it didn't hurt, but it made me realize that I had a more of a part in how things happened than I originally wanted to believe.
Take care,! Jaybird!

Thanks for the suggestion Jay

I realize it is me, but I don't get it sometimes. I seriously would rather try to minimize the amount of people I have to deal with. I am just so tired of working on myself that I can't even just be anymore. I get into situations and I just don't know how to work through them, which makes me majorly anxious, I have no self-esteem which I think is one root of my relationship issues at work, and I always blame myself. Then this leads to anxiety about even going to work, and I mean major anxiety. I dread going to work

I need to find a job where I work with fewer people and I need to work on building my sense of self and confidence. I'm going to be 100 and still have therapy goals. I'm so frustrated. thanks for your reply!

Nov 24, 2012, 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I am in the worst mood ever. I slept all day and still don't feel well. Self-hatred is all consuming. I wish it would completely consume me already instead of torturing me by dragging it out. I don't have BPD, I am it. I'm not needy, I am it. It isn't MY dependency, I am dependency. It isn't shame I feel, I am shame. Me trying to relate to others is a waste of their time. I ruin all of my relationships. How does one get better from the bottom of the barrel? I hate myself right here and now. Things at work keep happening, I can't make me stop. It may change, but that's how I feel now.

Lots of hugs

. Hang in there.

~EnlightenMe~ · Nov 24, 2012, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by likelife

Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me? Or at the very least, very, very tired of me. Me and all of my needs.

(lifelike),
I can relate to that feeling. Please keep us posted as to how it goes.

0w6c379 · Nov 24, 2012, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I am in the worst mood ever. I slept all day and still don't feel well. Self-hatred is all consuming. I wish it would completely consume me already instead of torturing me by dragging it out. I don't have BPD, I am it. I'm not needy, I am it. It isn't MY dependency, I am dependency. It isn't shame I feel, I am shame. Me trying to relate to others is a waste of their time. I ruin all of my relationships. How does one get better from the bottom of the barrel? I hate myself right here and now. Things at work keep happening, I can't make me stop. It may change, but that's how I feel now.

=============================================

Antimatter, so sorry for your pain. I have really bad days too where I feel extremely needy but I think it's because so many of my needs go unsatisfied. Even a little love, kindness, empathy goes a long way and yet some people just can't muster the courage to convey such emotions. I guess it's easier for some to just be cold and heartless.

This may sound crazy but sometimes I think that those of us who feel shame, self-hatred, needy...that we're the people who are normal. Without such deep feelings we would just be cold, empty shells (we'd be like the one's who persecute us). Your feelings are your strength. It will get better.

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Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

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