Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Deat FM,

Thanks for returning my phone call. More thanks for letting me call for no reason, and your being willing to take all my calls. I'm not sure why more people don't have therapist like you. It's probably because they wouldn't want or need a therapist like you. One willing to be there basically 24/7 for me, a client, trying to replicate as close as possible the attachment I did not get in my early childhood. Thank you for your generosity? I was really crippled before I started therapy with you, and now I'm walking and even running at times into my OWN life.

P.S: My child left me a dirty kitchen with dirty dishes. Isn't that a good reason to not let his therapy end? Arghhh!

Good night FM.

Love,

GTGT

because they can't afford it? the kind of time yours seems to give; mine would be charging in the thousands for per week

I pay her two sessions a week. I barter the rest. As I've heard on this forum, bartering is unethical, and illegal in some states. My therapist gets the short end of the stick when it comes to bartering. She gets nothing tangible. Sorry to disappoint those that thought I was paying thousands a week in money. I could pay her more, but it would have to come from mom and dad. At what price to my healing (they do pay some already)?

Gotta sign-off, I promised myself. To do rl tonight - back to the dishes. Yuck!

i wasn't meaning you were only that mine (and I think many) would be charging that to give the time yours does ... i already pay mine a lot more than what I should but it seemed and still seems necessary. enjoy the break!

Thanks for not e-mailing back. It makes getting angry at you and thus getting over you really easy.

Thanks for calling me today even though I can't you see while I am under the crisis team you still thought of me which I thought was lovely

t,

sometimes I think, "What am i doing". I dont know why I am going against you and ur suggestions. logically, you should know more than I do. I know that I should trust you. but Im being stubborn. I guess thats just me. I hope that i dont tire you out. dont give up on me. im trying. i really am.

i hope that you can get home. the weather is really ugly. i dont know what i am going to do if the flight is canceled. i dont know what I am going to do. I can't do a phone session. UGH! i miss you.

Why in hell would you list an insurance company on your website as an approved provider if that is not the case?

XT,
I miss you so much. I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. My rage defenses are down and out. Now there's nothing but pain. I want to talk to you at least, but I know you won't. I feel like something is wrong with me, I don't understand I miss you and it hurts more than I could ever put into words. I don't know if I will ever see you again?

Dear FM,

Thanks for seeing me today. It was a 3 hour session and we still didnt get to read. will you read to me on Friday? I have group tomorrow - yuck!

I'm glad we clarified my being on the forum. It's fine until I fly home for the winter holidays. I like posting here. Sometimes instead of emailing you. I wish I knew why.

Thanks for celebrating my success with my students today. More burst of sunshine.

I'm glad you accepted our gifts for Thanksgiving and the one for Christmas (early). You genuinely seemed to like them. The smile on your face and the graciousness in which you accepted warmed my heart. It was so different than the rudeness a therapist showed me many years ago when it came to gift giving. I was touched more than you. Okay, okay I won't argue that point. Just glad you liked them - enjoy.

I'm glad you are there if I need you. I'm pretty sure ill be okay until my appt on Friday. I can call you, email or even post here, Dear FM. I don't think I'll need an extra appt this week. Friday and Saturday will be enough.

I let the kingager decide what invitation to take or if he wanted to eat at the hotel buffet. He actually picked the one I secretly wanted. I think his decision was made with me in mind. You said he is becoming very aware and thoughtful at such a young age. I agree.

Thanks for saying its not about getting knocked down. It's about getting up that matters. Our family is up and running all because of you. Thank you for your healing touch.

Happy Thanksgiving to you FM, and to your family.

Love,

GTGT

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry! i didn't mean to.

I'm angry with you which as usual seems to connect with being angry with me

Dear FM,

Thank you for emailing me to night. It gave me such a lift when we made contact, and not that I was down. So many people are. I'm glad you agreed with what I sent you, and that it's fascinating stuff and the teacher(?) is boring.

You're right about my sibling sending somethings that were wanted for Thanksgiving. He is always more than generous to us. All my siblings are. I think he has also offered to help my parents with our plane tickets for Christmas. Also, I will finally use last years Christmas gift he sent me. It's not me, and so I'm glad there are accommodations and services for two. I've never been to a spa before. He reserved us a room in the remodeled part of the hotel, with dinner and brunch the next day. I hope that I don't chicken out. Besides, I like my broken nails. I'm just not a girlie girl. Poor mom. She's still disappointed.

Thank you for helping me to not keep running from the love of my siblings. I know there are no strings attached and they just want to be there for me and my family. I just wish they could help me get passed mom. I know, it's about accepting her for who she is and that's your job to help me. And, it's my job to trust you - and I do. I'm glad you and I don't have a love hate relationship. And I really meant it when I said I was humbled to be your student and you my teacher.

It's the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to the holidays and all the travel to see good friends and family. And, it's all because of you. I love you lots!

GTGT

Dear T,

I am very scared to see you tomorrow and talk about that subject. I feel like I am BAD. I'm ashamed to look at you--ever! How am I going to get past this? I don't understand what my feelings are and if they are "those" kind or not. J. said they weren't, that they were sensual. What do you mean that you "saw and felt it?" Do you know how I wanted to sink into the floor when you said those words? You make me cry. I thought I was okay because I don't want to "do" anything with you, but if it feels "too good" is that just as bad? When you said "crossing over" I felt more confused and embarrassed. I don't know if I can look at you tomorrow. If I blush will you will think it's happening again? Maybe I should fingerpaint or draw tomorrow so I can talk, instead of doing SE.

Is it still okay to love you?

rainbow

GTGT,

I am curious and have a few questions. How are you able to avoid a love/hate relationship with your therapist? Is it because he/she sees you so often/calls you and is meeting your needs and most of your wants? I have BPD, so I truly don't understand this Because I have BPD and a preoccupied attachment type, I guess I need a different kind of therapy, but not having contact feels like a consequence for who I am, and it is very painful. I guess I can deal with painful.

I am so glad that you have such a good relationship with your therapist. Because I have BPD, ultimately to begin with my relationship is going to be love/hate, because anything in between requires trust, which takes alot of time for me. I think it is okay that this is where I am (not really). I delete posts like crazy because I write while I am in one state, and then hate what I write in another state. I have a am okay with me sometimes/hate relationship with myself, so me relating to anyone else in a fashion any better than that won't happen until I can change. I have no choice but to try and accept who I am now, but I don't. I want myself to be better now, but I can't be that. I can't be who I want me to be right now, or anyone else.

Another question, hope you don't mind. You talk about being a student and your therapist being the teacher. That sounds terrifying to me, sadly. I know that I have alot to learn from my therapist, and that he has the knowledge. However, I also have alot to teach him about me before he can ever use his knowledge to help me (he already has). Really, I think the power differential is something I have difficulty dealing with. I don't have to be in control, but I don't want my therapist to be in control. I feel ungreatful.

I need to accept Borderline self as little as I desire to do so. I also need my therapist to accept me even if I have a love/hate relationship with him to start. If he can accept this, then I can trust him to teach me how to be less black and white when it comes to feeling. For the first time with my new T, i am afraid that he won't be able to accept this.

I'm not sure if these were questions for you as much as they were points of processing for me. What you wrote stirred something withing me

Anyway, thanks for listening to me process. I hope you enjoy the holidays It sounds like you will

Antimatter, I feel for you, and all the others, which seems like almost everyone right now. It was not so long ago that I had many of the same feelings you and others on the forum had. One of the first things I suggest is everyone stop seeing themselves as a walking diagnosis out of the DSM-IV. How does labeling yourself help you?

I have decided not to post or speak on the forum anymore, except in this section to my therapist, and meaningless other ones. I don't really feel welcomed on PC. And, that is about me, not about people on the forum. I will PM you if you want to discuss more.

Oh, Antimatter I felt total support by you, Rainbow8, and a few others. I feel the pain of many on the forum. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for anyone - I say this with sadness and tears.

In my logical brain I know it is a good thing, but in my heart I wish you weren't a guy. I also wish you didn't *know*. I don't want to see you tomorrow.

Um, i'm concerned because you only started seeing me for longer than 5 or 10 minutes at a time a few months ago when I started having problems, and I worry about when you will revert to your old format suddenly and i will be disappointed because I enjoy talking about myself for 45 minutes at a time.

Dear T,

We were talking about a writing exercise that is likely to be very difficult, painful, and yes revealing, and you suggested I do it in the room, with you, instead of trying it at home.

I just froze at the thought.

You said, this would be a good place for it; this is your safe place, right? and there was a pause.... before I mumbled, "well .....mostly."

The roots of rupture run very deep, T, deeper than I thought. I am so ashamed to realize it.

I am glad you felt support from me, because that was my intention. You added alot to the forum, and helped me and I suspect others, so you do make a difference! Take care.

Anti you could turn your statements around to say 'Because of BPD I'm more likely to react to ___ like ____ , but I can learn to change it to ___ instead and be happy.' ? Just a thought.

How is it that someone who otherwise checks their phone constantly takes almost an entire week to get back to me when I send them something?

I told you that things felt off between us.

You responded by asking if I had received anything from my insurance company.

What happened? I used to look forward to hearing from you, now any messages I get from you just piss me off and put a dark cloud over my entire day.

I seemed 'level'? Disconnected, don't you mean? I'd have been pissed off if I could bother to care anymore. What happened to doing inner child work? And what happened to you knowing who I am? Nothing about today made any sense to me. I'd email you... but I don't fancy getting into another 'rupture' over it. The little girl has shut down. So have I.

Dear T,

I think I'd rather just talk to the version of you that lives in my head. Having to talk to to real T is freaking me out. Quit being an actual person, ok? thanks.