Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T

Next week will be our last session, I can't put into words how sad I am.

Dear T,

I don't want to give you credit because I don't want to admit that you can see inside my head or that i'm easily read, but we've been making HUGE progress.

We are at the start, but I feel that you are the right person to help me with my issues.

I get nervous that you won't want to see me. No reason really, just a misplaced fear, I guess.

Please don't retire...ever! Don't want to be without T and sure as heck aren't looking for a new T.

Thanks T.

You are GREAT!

Dear T,
i cancelled my appt. just feeling very disconnected from you. i think this is exactly when i am supposed to go to therapy anyways, except the last three or four sessions, i have felt the same way. and i told myself last time i was going in, if i felt the same disconnect i would have to take a break. so, that is what i am doing. i tried to talk to you about it. however, lately it seems as if your very dismissive of what it is i want/need to talk about. i am feeling like i need to entertain you and if i don't spend all my time smiling you don't want me there. please understand. your welcome. me.

T, thank you for all your help this last week and for what is to come as the next week or so transpires. Knowing you are there to call on for help and support as we work through this is a comfort. I'm going to need you; you know that already.

T... I emailed you early Mon am to say I was having a hard time...
it is now Wed late PM, and nada...

do you suppose you might drop me a line? I did some compensatory behavior today that I am not too happy about. Not your fault of course, but we find reinforcement where we find it.

I'm sorry. I know you are SO SO busy.

T,

I think I'm waving a white flag on this subject now. I'm exhausted from it and weary of being disappointed over and over. For once I'm not concerned about me overthinking this to death this week, because I don't want to think at all anymore. It's on me now to accept what has to happen and stop yearning for what can never be.

Dear T,

Gaah. Gaaaah.



PS. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Dear ( ex) T

I think you are a " nutcase". I thought that title belonged to me Thank you for given me a new appointment. I hope I will be able to tell how I feel. In person not just over the phone. I am angry and hurt! I sooo need closure and a more professional termination.

Please just TAAAAALLLKKKK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

update. Now Thurs late PM, and nada.
I'm sorry to bother you, T. I know you are SO SO SO busy.

PS If you read PC, which you said you don't, then I won't have to mention this when i see you again. right?

I was thinking about you on your first day back and hoping it went as well as possible. Still been hoping that all is okay too.

I wonder if I am wasting this opportunity to heal with your help because I am so preoccupied by my infatuation with you.
I countdown the days between our meetings.

Is that really why you phoned that night?

T, I told you way more than I ever expected to tell anyone in my whole life-these were things I've written down but never said to anyone. These were my deepest and most awful thoughts and I felt disgusting as I said them. I also felt like complete trash when I told you I'd SI'd again the day before. I just wanted to get down on my hands and knees and cry and scream "I'm so sorry." But I didn't. Then, later, you told me you were proud of me for something I did. You shouldn't have been proud of me for anything. I'm wasting your time not getting any better. We're going nowhere, and I'm scared to do partial inpatient with you because I'm afraid I'll just waste more of your time.

By the way, its been 3 days since I contacted you by phone, text, or email. That's a record, but I've wanted to so badly. I'm just so ashamed of everything I've done lately.

Wednesday can't come soon enough, t. It will be bittersweet to tell you what I've done and how I felt this week-how I'm not getting any better. I need to talk to you, t, but I know I'm wasting your time and frustrating you.

I'm sorry t.

Nomad

xT,

Sorry all the good was just too painful.

RTS

Oh, and stop asking "Nomad, are you being a turd?" Do you really expect me to ever say yes?

"Yes, yes, t, I am being a turd, thanks for noticing."

Nomad

Dear pdoc,

I'm really pissed that you chose to bring up something that was very hurtful to me when I was in the depths of despair and belittle it. Your tone made me feel like you were laughing at me. It made me feel like my worries (no matter how "real" or not) were not legitimate and that you thought I was depressed for no reason. I thought you were meant to help me feel better about myself, not worse

I'm angry with you for making me do something I hate. I don't want to contact you daily, it doesn't help. Your response doesn't help, it makes me feel even more alone. I told you I don't want to do it but you said if I don't , then we can't continue, that doesn't feel fair to me, if you back me into a corner then I'll react. I am not vulnerable and at increased risk, I'm just hurting right now and very lost. I get you're trying to make me feel supported but it's having the opposite effect, I'd rather contact if I needed you, what does it matter if I'd do it as a last resort. I feel like this is punishment.

I didn't expect a reply to the email, but glad you sent one. It made me feel so much better. I feel reassured. Things feel 'right' between us once more. Now, how for things not to get screwed up again...?!

Hi T,

Thank you for looking so genuinely sad for me as I talked about what happened last year. It really helped me to feel like you finally saw me and understood my experience. Thank you for also apologising so genuinely again. I needed to hear it and it really helped. I really appreciate that you agreed with some of my experiences of it all too. You agreed that the way you were reacting and responding to me had gone too far and had not helped me at all. You agreed that I've fought as hard as I could every step of the way since then to try to repair the relationship.

You seem to think I'm holding onto it and not letting it go, not allowing space for forgiveness. The thing is, some of the thnigs you said and did, they hurt me so deeply. I need you to continue to be patient, to hear me, and to help me to understand what happened and why. I need you to hear about my experience. There are things I still haven't said about it and I still need to say it all. Tomorrow I'd like to tell you how I felt when you compared me to my mother and said I wouldn't be a good mother in the way she wasn't a good mother to me. I'd also like to talk about how I felt when you ignored my apology for how badly the session gone, when you instead opened the door and started talking to your next client. I mentioned it last week, and although you acknowledged that it would have been good if you'd replied to me then, you also seem to think that it always upsets me to know anything about you dealing with other clients. You seemed to think that's why it was so hard for me. It's never been like that for me, you don't seem to believe that.

So yes, I'll be talking about this stuff all over it again, but no, it's not because I'm just hanging onto it forever. I just need to tell you my experience. I'd like to tell you that the reason I was so upset about the ending to the bad session was because 1) you ignored my apology completely and didn't even look at me 2) that happened after I'd just told you for the first time in four years that I thought I wasn't going to return at all and that I'd never expected to end like that (I really thought that was the end and you didn't even look at me, let alone say goodbye), and finally 3) because I had to walk from the middle of your office past you in the doorway (immediately after you'd ignored my apology and me altogether) while you were talking to another client. At the time I was looking as awful as I'd ever looked in front of someone else and for that reason alone, I was upset about seeing you talking to another client like that. Yes, I was aware we'd run over time, but I'm a long term client and I'd never felt that distressed in front of another person in my life and I thought that was the last time I'd ever see you.

I still need you to hear all of this stuff. So PLEASE don't suddenly change on me again and start doing things that aren't helpful for me, like demanding I take control. Don't you realise we work together and than in my own time I do take control and talk to you about what I need, as long as you don't force me? Please don't try to tell me I need to move on from this and let it go before I've finished talking about it. None of this is said to blame you. I've fully accepted that I contributed to it all, even though I wasn't aware at the time that I was doing anything wrong. I've acknowledged my part in it. I'm saying it because I need you to hear how badly each of these things hurt me. They've changed the way I feel about myself. There are so, so many things like those examples and so little time. I still don't know how to do this in 50 minute time slots each week...and I don't want you to get sick of me and give up on me. Obviously although I keep talking about it, I'm still only going over the things that hurt me the most.

I really do wish that I mattered to you beyond my 50 minute time slot, which you've carefully stated is all our contract is for. Just keep trying in the time I'm with you, please? That's the most I can ask for. So please do that. I'm worried that you'll return to the same pattern as last year. Being gentle with me for one session and then suddenly pushing too hard despite how distressed I have been over the situation, or suddenly distancing yourself from me. Just please, if I matter to you within only 50 minutes each week, then please spend that time really trying to do the right thing by me. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I'll be trying too, just in case you wondered.

You know when you told me if we were in a lifeboat together and a wave hit that you wouldn't be thinking about me, you'd be looking after yourself? I'd be thinking about you, you realise that don't you? Sometimes this relationship isn't very fair.

Did he really say that? and not in a joking way like "Yeah, we're friends and all, but If zombies are chasing us, I'm so tripping you" type way?

Because, it's just common human decency to think of others in a situation like that. Therapy is not every man/woman/child for themselves.

Good lord.

I know you are trying to mend fences here and forgive, but WTH? I mean really, WTH?

Thanks Elliemay! That was how I felt and it did really hurt. Even better, she wanted me to record my sessions, because she thought I was misinterpreting things she said, I think. So I have that particular statement recorded too. She was serious. It was in reference to why she forgot to call me after she'd said she would, the one and only time I'd asked for a phone call in between my sessions in the four years I've seen her. I really, really wasn't okay (because of our huge rupture actually). She forgot because her own life stuff got in the way and she was busy dealing with that and the next day she left the city for a few days. So that's what it was about. She's actually very caring, so it's hard to know what she fully meant by some of the things she's said recently.

Well then the lifeboat was a horrible analogy. Modeling good self care - yes. Lifeboat, no.

Still though... *shakes head*. It's quite an odd thing to say - and by odd I mean really out there.

Dear T,

You said, you don't need to worry about me.
But sometimes I do worry. If my deformities were to affect you, I don't know what I'd do.

Dear T. I really wish I could see you this week. I am hurting pretty bad right now. Trying to hide it though and run from the feelings so I can make it till next week without seeing you. *BIG HUGE SIGH HERE*

I really need to get over myself.