Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Freefall,
are you ok? If you need to talk I am here

I know I saw you Monday, but I miss you and our next appointment seems so far away, even though I see you once a week. I really wish I could see you more than once a week, especially right now as I am in a work transition that is really messing with my emotions. The only time I feel safe right now is when I am with you in your office, and one hour a week of feeling safe isn't enough. I'm afraid to do the journaling about my interactions with people like we talked about. I'm afraid that I won't do it right and you will be disappointed. I know that this is an irrational thought because there is no right or wrong way to journal, but I'm still worried. This feeling is very similiar to the way I felt as a child in that I was too afraid to do anything because I was afraid to disappoint my parents. I hate feeling so needy.

I second this.

Thanks for getting in touch. It's been forever. See you tomorrow.

OF COURSE I want to come. Keep seeing T2 instead? What?! As if you could be replaced. He was good. He ain't THAT good.

Be prepared, I'm going to hug you. 5 weeks worth of a hug. Missed you.

Dear T,
I wish there were some way I could contact you. But I'll see you on Tuesday, I hope.

T,
I am terrified. Horrified. I feel so exposed. Why did say anything? HELP ME, please?

I miss you so badly right now.

T,
Why cant I email you? I dont want to be controlling like the other oc person we spoke about.
The one that gets angry? Am I controlling, too? Because I get angry? I need to let you go so I dont destroy you.

Dear T

Good news! I found a friend that will TRULY understand me. So much in common I'm not going to tell you quite yet because the cheerleader will come out and get a smack, but I wanted to tell someone. Do not want to keep this to myself.

Thanks T

I am insane. What is wrong with me? I feel broken. Am I just a puppet on a string? I dont care anymore. I dont.

T,
I kind of feel like you slapped my hand today. Like I was a little kid who misbehaved and you slapped my hand. I felt mothered. I do not want to feel mothered by you... ever. I don't know why this is making me so angry. It was literally 30 seconds out of the entire session. But I feel judged. I feel diminished. I am a bad person. I am bad person for making the mistake. I am bad for even opening my mouth. This is why I don't trust people. This is why it took me months and months to feel safe enough to speak freely. And now...well... I feel like I have to guard everything I say again. I know this is completely my issue. I am probably blowing this way out of proportion. I shouldn't expect you to have to think about everything you say to me. But this stung. I blew it off and said something to agree with you in the moment, but now it bothers me. It really, really bothers me. I feel like talking is less safe now...
Sconnie

Dear T-
I'll never be good enough. It's just that simple. Can we just stop talking about it.
Me

Dear T,

Thank you for salvaging my therapy by pulling out the art materials! I was so afraid you were really going to terminate me today! I'm sorry I'm frustrating you and making you discouraged. Yes, you've helped me a lot, and this is not a good time to stop. If the meds work, we'll be able to accomplish more. I'm not sure why you didn't recognize that today. I know that ethically, if you're not helping me, you have to suggest termination, but I'm not giving up, so why are you?

The art therapy is going to work, and so is the SE. I will be able to tolerate our relationship; it's just hard for me to give up what felt so good to me. I don't think you made a mistake; holding your hand felt safe and comforting in the past. I just wish you had told me you were "taking it away" instead of letting me figure that out by myself.

I felt more connected to you today. I like that you sat closer to me so I could see your eyes. I like that I could draw and color what I wanted to. I liked that you SAW my feelings emerge on the paper. I want you to know how I feel, and like I wrote, a picture is worth 1000 words. Sometimes, that is.

Thank you for the hug. You held me tighter than ever before. I noticed the difference and it meant a lot to me. I'm glad you're not stopping the hugs.

I'm glad I could feel connected to you and still have it be about me and my feelings of wanting to be held and loved. It's not really about you; I know that so well.

Love,
rainbow8

I hate myself with unbridled passion. This is the new me, no facade anymore. Please sit and watch while I drown in this sea of so called life. Wait! -- I'm dependent, so don't try to help me!!! Wait- I'm needy, so don't try to help me!!! REJECT My core self! This is my self-fulfilling prophecy now. I don't belong here on earth, I don't fit in. I never will. Every ****ing day is painful. I'm a waste of time and you will hate me. That is how it always ends.

I just remembered the name you said, the female movie star, but I dont remember the specific context. Are you trying to torture me? I want to cease to exist. You have no idea who I am. God, what an idiotI am? Et tu, brutus?

Hey Antimatter,

You OK? I noticed before that you had written that the abyss had rejected you. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I know you're antimatter and all, so staying away from matter so as to avoid annihilation seems prudent, but all the same, it seems like a little contact (maybe just here on PC) might be helpful.

Hope you're ok.

Dear T,

Why haven't you written me back? It's been four days now. I'm making myself crazy with checking my email. Why do I do this to myself?

I'm both looking forward to and dreading our session on Friday. I have so many things I want to say, but I don't know that I'll actually be able to say any of them.

The more time that passes between seeing or hearing from you, the more I think that I don't really need you, that that's just an illusion I've created over time to lend some sense of stability to my life. Of course that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because in the end, the fluctuations in and limits to our contact often make me feel more unstable.

I want to just let you go. And I want to heal whatever it is that happened between us. I can. not. let. this. go.

It did reject me, I was hoping for a quick burst of annihalation but even the depths of hell reject me, lol. So dramatic. Then it wouldn't talk to me so I could be resolved,so I just exist in a purgatory like fashion PC has been most helpful to such an explosive particle such as I. I am scared. This feels harrowing. I am calming myself down now but I am going to be so tired.
New T has some 'splaining to do. I dont know if I can take all of this. I hate my emotions. Thanx so much.

Eh, the abyss wouldn't know a good thing if it, well, fell into it.

Glad to hear you feel a little calmer. Not sure where on the globe you are, but in these parts, it's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping. If it's the same for you, I wish you deep and peaceful slumbers.

Dear T,

I wish I were with you right now. I miss you.

Me

((((((((((((Antimatter)))))))))))

sending lots of safe hugs

Dear T,

I thought I was over that awful last session before Christmas where you went all Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on me...with the finger pointing and the yelling and the wanting to talk about THAT topic all of a sudden. Yelling. Never in our years together had you raised your voice and shook your finger at me. And then suddenly not being ok with silence when it has always been fine. How could I speak? How could I not be triggered with you yelling and shaking your hand in my face? I thought it was a huge accomplishment not to run from the room.

And then it just got worse. You accused me of thinking about "the topic" and then said I was not allowed to talk about it if I was. You forbade it! WTF? And then you were asking questions that seemed to be leading to that...was it a trick? Was I suppose to talk or not talk? I panicked. I was just trying not to puke. I was pretty sure you were a pod-person because it's so unreal that you would ever, ever, ever say NOT to talk about anything.

But, I got through. I survived the session from hell. I showed up for the next session and you seemed back to normal. And then I kept coming and I thought we were back on track. So, why did I quit today?

It's not a good time for me to quit. My family is falling apart. You know this and you know I have no support there. I don't have any friends. Over the holiday, I realized that - even after these years of trying - I haven't managed to build a working relationship with you either. If I had the energy, I'd shake my finger in my own face and yell at me for that, but I'm too bummed out to care. Once, you said "Sometimes, it hurts too much to care." I wish I didn't remember that.
I know none of this matters to you.

*note: her= my best friend that i just was visitng

I wish there was a crying emoticon. Because that's all I've been doing since the plane took off.

I miss her so much. I am so lonely. I had a week in which I was able to drop the act and just live. Being here is just too painful. I am a mess. It all is. So much is wrong I can't even begin to think about how to fix it. I can't even tell u because I've given up trying to explain myself. It makes no difference. It just causes more issues. I might as well just give it all up because it seems like I am destined for a life of misunderstanding and unhappiness anyway. Who am I even doing this for? Not for you. For me? I don't care anymore. So... What even is the point.

This whole trip was a bad idea. I should have known. It keeps getting worse. It wont stop. How can u expect me to work when I can barely get through each minute. I feel like I'm beyond all hope of rescue now. Saturday seems so far off. The good thing about her was that she was there. Right then. I don't know if I can make it to Saturday. I need to talk to someone now. I don't even know what I would say. Maybe I just want to trick myself into feeling like I'm not alone.

I miss her in bed beside me. I miss knowing that I could reach over and squeeze her arm, just because. It's so empty and so lonely tonight. I feel like my insides are being torn apart. I hate it. It hurts so much. I feel so alone in it all

I just wanted to tell you again. I am so sorry about the death of your father. Thank you for putting me at ease in the appointment. I feel so sad for you. I wish I could comfort you the way you always comfort me. I love you. Thanks for being there for me.

A lot of that sounds so similar to my experience. Four great years, then suddenly, I'm being yelled at and I don't know why. I'm being lectured. I'm being told horrible comments about myself. I'm not being heard. I'm being forgotten and ignored. What a crazy couple of months all of a sudden (my therapist didn't really revert back to normal). Geez did it make the Christmas break hard and I don't know what I'm returning to either.

I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time. It's unfair when it happens like that. I imagine you therapist does care. Mine said that's where her anger came from, because she cared. I'm guessing that if there truly was no care then they surely wouldn't get so suddenly caught up and irrationally angry...

I hope you let yourself try again with your therapist. You deserve to have support through this difficult time.