Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

i really need you right now. you have no idea. i really need you to just help me be ok. stop pushing. at this point, you are only pushing me farther off the edge.

i dont' know whats going on with you. i dont why you are different. But I do know that you are not the same. You are more harsh. You aren't as soft and caring. I dont know if something happened and that is why, or if this is some idea of a new approach that you are trying out. but i dont like it. it isn't working. and it goes along with my thing so that you make decisions without telling me.

How can you lecture me about trust and go on and on about how we are a team when you go behind my back and talk about me and make changes to our plans without me. that isnt teamwork and it doesnt make me want to trust you.

I think I need a new t. because this is hurting me more than it is helping me. or maybe i shoudl just give up on therapy all together. maybe Im not cut out for it

I dont even know what I'm doing or who I am doing it for. That is no way to live a life. I want it all to be over. Make it stop. Make it all go away.

:/ :/ :/

(((((Miswimmy)))))),
What is she saying in response to your questions? Tell her that what she is doing is hurting you, not helping you. Ask her why she is making her own decisions about your therapy. She may think she is helping you, but just because she is a therapist doesn't mean that she automatically knows what is best for you. Tell her exactly what you wrote. I hope that you can find the spark in you to stand up for who YOU are, to tell her who YOU are and tell her what YOU need from her. In the meantime, start researching other therapists just in case. I don't want to tell you this, but there IS a therapist out there who is a good fit for you, I promise Of course, this sounds similar to what happened in my therapy, so keep that in mind when taking my advice. YOU deserve to be happy, and you can be. I don't know why therapists change their techniques suddenly, but I know how disintegrating and confusing it can be. PM me if you need me, I AM HERE FOR YOU I want you to stay, I want you to enjoy your life, I want you to be free of all of this BS. I am rooting for you, and that means that you WILL succeed (a little hubris on my part.

Dear T

I'm all over the place, all the drugs arn't working yet, I'm crying and crying. You tell me to call you anytime but I can never ask for help. I don't want to trust you or become dependent on you. I wish I could reach out to you like you ask me to do.

I totally feel for you...almost exactly how you feel. Stay strong and don't be afraid. You are worth it.

Nomad

Miss you, the forum and a normal life

We miss you too LonelybyChoice.

I came back yesterday, and I need you already. You are one of the few professionals in my life that would open their door on a Sunday just because I need you, or wants to see you and just to be held. Thanks for being there for me over my vacation. It really made being at home more successful at least in your eyes. I haven't digested all the good stuff yet to let it be permanent for me. Kiddo had a wonderful time, and so did I - who knew. You did. You had faith in me that I could handle it, even as I waived on the last day I saw you which was weeks ago.

Thanks for making me not feel needy, because I can't wait for Monday's appointment. I never told you you're the best therapist I've ever had!

Love,

GTGT

Dear T ( Oh well x-T)
I am trying to write you something. I reeeally need your help and I still need answers. Please get back to me if or when, I decide to write you an email

Hugs
LBC

"When I'm dealing with infertility and you talk about people you know who are pregnant; it really hurts me"

Don't keep saying "call me anytime!" or "call me tomorrow!" and saying "whenever" when I ask the best time to call and then NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE. You told ME to call YOU. If you're never going to pick up then why don't you call me?!

AND STOP CALLING MY MOM.

Excuse my teenage angst...

Nomad

I've been trying to write you a letter, but when I pick up the pen and paper my mind goes blank. When I put it down I suddenly think of dozens of things I need to say to you.

I think I want to take a break. But I cant. You said, I will work with you as long as you are willing to work. I am willing to work. Just not under these conditions... not like this. I will work but only if you stay true as well. I cant take a break because then thats another reason for you to abandon me. And if this relationship is going to end, I want to be the one to end it. Not you.

(((((Miswimmy))))),
I feel so sad for you. I don't think that your T understands you at all. I agree with you, it seems like your T has her definition of what work is, which is do what she says. I think you are working now, working to try to understand why she is so different, and working to try to process what probably feels 'unprocessable'. I think this is her, not you. From what I am hearing, I think there is something going on within you that neither you or your T know, but something that you sense. I am sorry she is so hell bent on doing it her way, and then telling you that if you don't do it her way that you aren't working? I am so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it.

Dear T,
i think i need to take a break. i think i am frustrating you and you seem very disconnected from me. like you are tired of finding more yuck.
it seems like what i need to talk about isn't important to you. me.

i really feel like you want me to disappear.. so i need to for awhile.
thank you. me.

Hi T

Please be there for me tomorrow. Please really be there, fully. I need that so much. I don't know how to put anything into words anymore. I wish you could see what I need sometimes. Are there not times when you could offer some things? When I'm clearly not brave enough to ask. Could you not help me to ask for some things or let me know it's okay to ask, instead of watching me suffer for so long? Could you please come back aware of your part in all of what's happened? I know some things that happened were just mistakes. Mistakes after mistakes. Some of them made me feel so small and I told you that.

Often it was your reaction and your words that hurt most of all, because they were more deliberate than the many other mistakes. Like when I told you how small your words were making me feel, when I made it obvious how badly I was coping with what you were saying. When I said you were making me feel like I was a number, you just confirmed that I was. That stuff hurt so much. You just continued on like that, saying so many other hurtful things and not responding at all. I've never felt worse in front of another person before that day, and you, my T, you ignored that. You added to the hurt. I still tried to apologise right at the end, for how bad the session had seemed, because I knew you were so angry. You didn't even look at me when I apologised. You opened the door and started talking to your next client. Like I was just a number.

I got back to my car and I couldn't believed I'd walked down the street looking like that. My face was so red and puffy. No one ever sees that and you just turned away, even as I tearfully said sorry at the door. Even the last time I saw you, after many more mistakes and weeks after that first bad session, I tried to talk to you about it and you just said "people cry when they are processing things". Processing things, like that I am just a number to the one person I've felt connected to like this? Like that person thinks I would be a bad mother? Just processing that she forgot some big details in my life? Like when she tells me she forgets my details because 15 other people told her the exact same thing. Processing that she was yelling again and again about how much I wasn't trying, even when I was actually trying my best. Or when she compared me to people who are better than me, like all her other clients who make more progress than me. Do you still seriously believe that T, because I've turned my whole life around with your help, don't you realise? Or when you compared me to people who I'm nothing like, like my own mother. When you said I would be the same sort of mother as she was. Don't you realise, I'm nothing like her? How could you not?

Anyway T, I just wanted to say, please, please after this break, please just be there for me again. Please try to understand why things like boundary changes hurt me, when what we were doing before was finally helping me to move forwards and feel a bit more independent. Try to understand why it hurts so much when I've always been ultra respectful of any potential boundary let alone a real one set out by you and please understand why it hurts that you've changed boundaries during this awful time when I've needed more support, not less and less. Please be there for me and realise that sorting this out in 50 minutes a week is really hard. I've been hanging on for so long. Please try. Please really try and see me. I know you don't love me, but please care about me, as a long term client who is worthy of helping if nothing else.

I'm sorry I was such a pain in the a s s, today, and lost my ability to just come in an talk today instead of rejecting you. After the meeting this morning at Kiddo's school, it hurt like the dickens to hear them say they were disappointed in his PSAT score - 96% of all juniors, and a 99% in reading. He was fine with the message, and told me he should have done better. Wow, what a kid! I, on the other hand took to hibernating all day, feeling I failed him as a mother. WTF!!! I can't get him to do his homework! It's his job- not mine!

Aren't those excellent scores? I don't think it's good to set him up to be a perfectionist. Do you?

I thought they were excellent scores, but his school doesn't. It won't qualify him for a merit scholarship. I don't know what their thinking is, and I don't care. I just want him to know that I am proud of him.

Dear T,

PLEASE don't talk about not being able to help me anymore. You're scaring me! Are you moving away? That thought came into my head so I will probably ask you. I need you now more than ever!

Are you going to let me draw anything, even if it's about you? I know if it's about you, it's really about me. I have this urge to draw the child who had those shameful things happen to her. Is that all right? I don't want to be an adult tomorrow. It's too hard with all this med stuff. I want a break. Maybe I go into the past to get a break from the present.

Or maybe I'll draw me the way I see myself. Yuck. I hate the way I look.

I hope I don't get an email that you are sick tomorrow. Please be healthy. I hope you got a flu shot!

Love,
rainbow

Nightlight I hope your session goes well today.

Thank you SO much SAWE. Really, it means a lot. I've actually been now...and survived. It was hard. Next week is a long time away. I think she heard me, but I talked non stop so much (so unlike me) that I barely managed to find out for sure. She looked really sad for me when I looked up at her sometimes though, and so that really helped. She validated some things I said too. When I told her how hurt I felt that after the really bad session (I talked over how so many of the things she'd said had really hurt me) and then that she didn't even look at me when I tried to say sorry right at the end. She pointed out today that at the time we'd run over by then and what did I want her to do instead, not talk to her next client until I'd left? I said she could have tried to do anything in return to my apology, and when she really pushed for a specific answer, I said she could have said something like "I'm sorry it was so hard too. We'll fix this next week". She was quiet for a second and then she said "that would have been a good thing to say". So some of the time it was like she heard me, finally, now, a couple of months later. Thank you for thinking of me SAWE

((( Nightlight )))

SO glad that you went to your session and were HEARD! What a relief! I'm hopeful that you'll be able to work this out with T. (( HUGS ))

Thanks so much MUE! It's been so stressful and hard. I've been just hanging on for so long now. T helped me turn my life around and she was the one really positive, stable, reliable thing I had in my life. So much was lost when I lost that. It's not all magically better. It still feels suddenly like she's not my safe person anymore I hope she'll keep hearing me, and that she will work through the mess with me and keep helping me too. It's a start anyway...

It's always scary to be told something like that and then having to wait to find out what's going on. Hopefully it just means they want to talk about what's going on even though it isn't anything too serious. I'm hoping if it was really serious that they wouldn't discuss the nature of it at all over the phone and would just tell you to go in?

I know what it's like to feel as though your T isn't your safe person anymore, in the midst of a rupture. I found that it takes time and work to get back to that feeling of safety.

....And thanks about the medical stuff. It IS scary. The panic usually keeps me from taking action - but I AM going in to see the dr....I have to take better care of my health. I wish it was easier. *sigh*