Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,
I don't know how to handle the pain.

Unbelievable.

The good thing about it is that it's just another confirmation that I made the right decision.

I'm not sure if you're all the way there yet or not. But I hope you had (or are having) a safe trip and that everything goes as well as possible. I hope this ends up being something you were very glad you did. I also hope you don't completely forget me and I hope you follow through with getting in touch with me if you can. I was struggling to say much because of all the recent boundary changes around it, but I hope you don't take that as a sign to withdraw more contact during this difficult time. I hope you can continue to to do the right thing by me when you return. I can't deal with too much more anger or harsh comments, so please, let me find my feet and be patient and gentle with me while I do that.

I hope you're well.

T

Also, I really don't cope well with breaks. Things get worse and worse in my head. I keep replaying some of the most hurtful things you said like "you wouldn't be a good mother, just like your mother wasn't able to be a good mother to you". Don't you think that was just a bit too much? I can't believe you truly think that of me. When I first questioned it you said it was only true if I stayed the same as I am now. I'm not sure if you realise that that comment doesn't make it much better, because right now, my therapist thinks I would be a bad mother. Ouch. Don't you know I'm allowed to think that of myself, but not you? You're not supposed to think that. I'm nothing like my mother and there's a lot that I would do right. Why aren't you focusing on that stuff anymore? How could you truly think so little of me? Last time I saw you, we both spoke about how there was truth in all the things you said that hurt me so much and you said you wanted me to use it to help move forwards. But, a bad mother? Don't you think that was just a bit too much?

Dear T,

I don't know how to continue with you. I am so hurt - again.

Dear T, please forgive me

Dear T,

I was just out shoveling snow. We had about 8". The trees are beautiful, even the damaged ones.

Dear T -
Really, really, really bad day. I talked to my mother on the phone and she hurt me so much. I tried to reach out to friends, but they were all busy. I need you, but I refuse to call you on the weekend unless it's a true crisis. I'll see you on Monday, so I think I can wait. I've spent most of the evening crying, though, and I don't think tomorrow is going to be any better.

Dear T,

So when I called you hysterically crying because the one thing I was waiting for and dreading to happen happened and you heard my message (and never called me back) did you think:

a) We can just talk about that Monday.
b) She's hysterical. Again.
c) She'll be fine. She always is.
d) She called. Again.
e) Whoa, my Iphone is so cool
f) All of the above

This is why we are STUCK STUCK STUCK. I needed like 3 minutes of your time and I do NOT want to ask for it.

Dear Ex-T,

I still need you so badly that words cannot describe how much. And you left me. After you promised you would be there as long I needed you to be. You weren't.

The psychiatrist you work with is never going to respect you or what you do. I wish you just stay away from him. HE'S the idiot.

He's just using you to send business his way.

I'm so sorry Tractionbeam. I really feel for you in needing to have a call back from your T and not having to ask for it. I'm guessing the policy is different for all T's when it comes to returning calls. But you sound like you are in a desperate state and T must have picked up on that, if they listened to their messages. It's hard to say if T rec'd your message at all or if they had so many other personal matters to attend to that they could not clear their calendar to give you the attention that you needed. I don't know what was up but maybe Monday you'll find out? Maybe they have an explanation that might make sense? Try to hang on till then. I'm so sorry that the worst you thought might happen actually did.

I wish you would love me. I also wish this wish would go away.

Dear T,

if I were to send you a txt and ask you not to listen to the VM I left you on Friday morning, would that do me any good?
No, I didn't think so.

Signed, "painted myself into a corner this time"

Dear T. As I'm sitting here by myself all weekend-I'm really glad that we scheduled that extra session this coming Tuesday. Lets continue to work on the shame, anger, guilt, and finding a bridge between the sessions. Also, I am going to ask you again if I can see my file. But I plan to wait until the end. Yep, I'm gonna doorknob that request so we can talk about why during our next session.

T,

I'm sorry about that email I sent you earlier. I shouldn't have sent it. It wasn't important at all.

I feel so needy. I'll never contact you on a Sunday again.

Nomad

Dear T, i know i freaked out the last couple minutes and i am sorry.
however, i think for awhile i need to take another break, the one i never took.

four lousy sessions followed by two great session leaves me feeling very unsure of myself.

if i do go back, we do need to discuss my eating/weight issues. hope you are ready for a whole new ball game. i do not have a eating disorder; i have disordered eating...

Dear T, you are amazing.
Love, me

Dear T,

I will never try to reach out to you again between sessions.
apteryx

My gut is churning with anxiety. I miss you so much.

I forgot the homework assignment by the time I walked back to my car. It's going to drive me nuts all week trying to remember what you wanted me to bring to our next session.

****. Well that was fun. How you must look forward to seeing me. **** **** ****.

If a therapist can't handle the heat, perhaps he or she should not be working in this field. Don't worry. People are stupid and cna't truely understand other people. Talk to us instead.

Dear T,

Please help me figure out what I want to talk about. I keep confusing myself.

T, I'm so confused.

Nomad