Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

t i hope you're not mad about what i wrote in my email i pretty much trust that you won't be but for some dumb reason i'm worried right now that you are going to be upset with me for not bringing it up until now but t it is true it is true i did not realize it until I was typing you the email that that is what is going on please t help me figure this out and don't be mad ok?

I can't find peace, only worry. Get better fast!

I sometimes wonder if you are as lost as I am

Dear T-

F this. I'm done. It's nothing you did. I just can't see paying you for me to struggle this much. I'm over it. I've been saying for a long time that this is it-there is nothing else to it. I quit.

Jersey is outta here.

Dear T,

I have reached out, and NOTHING. I am so pissed! And now, I have got myself thinking you to get back to me because of something *I* did. That is bull. I know when I need to be heard, and this week I needed to be heard by you and had some encouraging words said to me. So, now instead of going into my session tomorrow disclosing all of the thoughts and hard times that I have been having, I am having a hard time convincing myself to even go. What if, it was too much.. I don't want to face you tomorrow. I know that in one of your e-mails when we talked about responsed to e-mails and phone calls that if you didn't get back to me it was only because you were too busy. Seriously, you couldn't find 5 mins in the last 4 days to e-mail/or call me? Then you my dear T, are too busy!!!!!

I know you hate me now. I hate me too. No one, no one could hate me more than I do. So there!

I have felt the way you do, ((((Rose))))). I always see that defense as being irrational, but yet I continue to have self-hatred.

I know that other people can and do hurt you, and that this is probably the only way you know to react to this.

Each time you experience this, try to sit and just feel what you are feeling. Just do it for a few seconds this time, and then increase it. That's my plan. Keep me posted, btw. Sending hugs to you. You ARE worthy and loveable. This I know.

Dear T,

I realize you have real concerns about my ED, but bringing up possible ED inpatient care when I'm specifically asking for help with my anxiety dealing with it, didn't help today. That only heightened my anxiety even more. Let's get through possibly telling my husband about my ED next Monday and then talk about treatment after that. For now, my anxiety levels are at an all-time high and are causing even more problems that need to be addressed. Because of this, I may not even show up on Monday even though I know I should.

Trigger? Dunno? Me being negative about being alive...

T

I miss existing to one person. I miss having one person on my side. I've deluded myself into thinking there was a point in me fighting and holding on. I've never had anything I wanted out of life, it's always been about surviving, and I've done that for a long time now. I really wished you cared about me like I care about you. It doesn't have to be bigger or anything more than that, just the same level of regard for one another. I think everything would have been okay if that was the case. I didn't mean to like you so much. I have no words for my thoughts. I knew how much I liked you straight away, without needing to know anything further about you. It was ridiculous that I'd found that person in a therapist, someone I expected to be dragged along to once and then never see again. You were the right person. It's too bad that to you I'm so worthless, meaningless, forgettable, and not worth saving. I've tried to ride out all the things you've thought, done, not thought, not done. They have not been okay and I can't believe you've been able to wound me from the inside. No on is allowed inside. I stuffed up this time. It's stupid to think that I should be helped just because I'm here and alive. I'm sick of surviving without a reason to ride through all the awfulness. I can't make up a reason for my life, there just isn't one.

Dear T,
I hope your surgery goes well.

Dear T,
In case you're wondering, I have a hard time looking at you in the eyes for fear that you will see my for you. Even though you probably already know, I'm still afraid. I'm so hurt that you don't feel it too. It's crazy to think you'll ever see this but if you ever do, please listen to how I feel:

I am jealous of you and i wonder what kind of relationship you have with your husband. I picture him as being inferior to you, just as I am, and that one day you will break up with him and he'll end up living in squalor, trying to survive, while you maintain your opulent existence and find another man. Then I realise that my picture of him is really just myself, and that your husband is probably a lot more your equal.

Dear T, you're welcome for not emailing you tonight while I've had too much wine. I screamed and cried in the car all the way home from work I am feeling SO much tonight. The stuff I did email you about last Sunday. Please make me talk about it this Sunday. OMG I don't know what to do with all of these feelings. I need you to help me through this. I was so wrong, and you were so right. Please help me.

I wish I didn't talk to you about my attachment to you. It felt wrong to do so. I don't really think about you so much. I often wish I could be friends with you but I know it will never ever happen. That is why I got to do something different like try and find closeness with people in the real world. I know how hard that is going to be for me though. Why do I have to pay someone to have that?

Dear T, I keep trying to email you but I can't because if I do you might realise how attached I am to you. I'm scared of that attachment and doubly scared that you know that it exists. It feels natural to deny it and to never tell you. So I won't email you because then I will show that I *do* need you. Strange thing is I think you know that already. I think you're more onto it than you show.

I've done a lot to help myself in my therapy but I don't know if I can complete the "homework" that you wanted me to do.

I wish you would call or something.

Dear T,

Feeling my feelings is painful physically and mentally. I hate this so much. I just want these feelings to go away, I can't handle them. I'm just too weak of a person.

I'm afraid you're not going to get better.

T

Help? Just by listening to me or talking to me for a few seconds. But don't worry, I won't actually make the mistake of asking again, ever.

Dear T,
i wish I had someone like you in my life. I know you talk a lot but this comforts me and makes me feel at home. I was so nervous seeing t one that I couldn't even talk, she would not try to make me feel comfortable, she would just stare at me and not make any attempt to comfort me. I like the way we talk as if two friends talk, about our lifes our families, our likes and dislikes. I like the way you know me and understand me. You know that I will always be on time that if I am not something is wrong and you will ring. You know that I am frustrated with everything right now, so frustrated I get tongue tied and when you manage to get something out of my how you smile and say well now that I know that about you we have lots of work to do so stop staring and lets get on with it.

I like the way you make me recognise my talents and to reconnect with them, you said last week you wish you could paint and I told you how do you know if you never tried. You want me to paint you something and write you something but I feel so much but I am afraid to reconeect with the old creative me, I don't understand why you keep pushing it t. I don't know what you want from me, is this a test?

T please don't make me connect with my old self- I feel like that part of me has died. It has been battered and bruised and should have died, I don't know where I need to go anymore or who I am or need to be because I get hurt everytime and I can't do it anymore T I just can't.

Dear T

How am I supposed to write about my childhood when I can't remember anything?
You expect me to bring these notes with me next week, My mind is blank.

I'll be calling you in 45 minutes. Ugh I'm nervous. I think I better re-read the email i sent you last week so I don't leave anything out.

Dear T,

You seem so far away from me in your chair across the room. I wish you would come and sit next to me on the couch.

I wish that you would hold me.. just for a second. I wish that I could be close to another human being and have it be ok.

I wish that I didn't need to be close to you.

I'm scared that you mean too much to me.. and that I mean nothing to you.

I'm seeing you tomorrow morning - and have been nervous all day today just thinking of it.

So, you'll be off for three weeks during this really difficult time. I know this is ridiculous, but it would really help me if you didn't leave me waiting for 10 minutes at the start of my session...and cut it short at the end by two or three minutes. Yes, I know that's quite petty, but after everything...I don't know. Please just be there for me tomorrow. You have, finally, been there for me the last two sessions, but before then, you were being generous with your time, and now things are quite different. Now I feel bad for talking as we approach the end of the session and I try to stop talking straight away when you start finishing a few minutes early. I feel so worried about this because of the texts you said I could send, which you later said were intrusive (because I was so upset with you for forgetting to call me when you said you would) and also when you didn't say goodbye to me at the last session of 2012 and so I sent it in a text (like you've always said was okay). You later told me it was your annual break (I was careful to text on your last working day and not actually into your break). You said I'd tried to extend the session with the text, just by saying goodbye, thanks for everything...and sorry. So now I'm so careful because I feel so contained by the 50 minute boundary. It would be really nice though, if you could make it 50 minutes tomorrow before this next long break and not 47. I don't think I'm going to cope with this break. I need to work through all the bad things that have happened between us. I need to talk to you and not leave this stuff sitting here eating away at me. Oh well. Here we go again.