[struggling2]

ive noticed something about my sessions with T. i struggle with intimacy a lot...romantic and non-romantic. and ive noticed that when we have sessions where I feel a disconnect or a distance that i can handle her absence better? whereas if we have a really good session and connection where i feel pretty close to her i struggle the rest of the day/week? almost like i dont want to feel that because it points out the void in the rest of my life and i cant have more of it without her? i dunno......anybody have any thoughts on this? ive noticed with most other people its the opposite?

[mixedup_emotions]

I can very much relate to this. When I am feeling disconnected from T, at times, it just feels easier than dealing with the heartache involved in feeling that closeness.

[pbutton]

I can relate. I am much more comfortable when I feel distant from him. I feel like I am more in control.

[struggling2]

glad to know im not alone in this. ive also noticed that it has nothing to do with her.......she is always the same. its not a distance i perceive from her...i think it more comes from me being distant. on the other hand i want that closeness sooo sooo bad but im leary of it because i know its going to leave...not as in her terminating me but its not there constantly.

[mixedup_emotions]

I hear you, struggling2.....I have found, though, that I am doing a little better with holding onto those feelings of connection and caring outside of session. I'm trying to accept that the closeness doesn't necessarily disappear when we're not together. I can still feel it and trust if, if I decide to.

[Sannah]

Are you going to discuss this in session?

[struggling2]

i plan to try. ive gotten better with being able to talk about those things. i was just curious if anyone else struggled with it and maybe how they dealt with it or changed it or if its even necessary to change?

[stopdog]

I do not recall feeling connected to the therapist, but I dislike it when she tries to get closer. It is quite distressing to me.

I do the same, If I keep him at arms length then my week seems to go much better, out of sight out of mind. ( although I feel this is the least productive way to handle things in the long run) If I let him in and get intimate, it reeks havoc on my weak emotionally and I tend to reach out via email in between appointments. ( I think this is real therapy, when I'm emotionally vested , as opposed to going through the motion with my "arms length" approach)

[Screenager]

Of course, that makes a lot of sense and I feel the same.

When my obsession with T was gone, I felt a lot more independent and wasn't struggling throughout the week.
Now my fixation is back and I think of her all the time and it sucks. I'm actually trying to make myself dislike her just so I won't be hurting, as weird as that might sound.

[likelife]

Yeah, I'm the same way too. My T has talked with me a little bit about attachment style. I seem to waver between avoidant and preoccupied. From an avoidant attachment standpoint, it makes sense that I would feel better at a distance. But not so much from a preoccupied one.

[rainbow8]

struggling, I'm the same way too. When I feel close to my T, and super connected, it makes me feel frustrated with the rest of my life. It makes me wish I could see T every day! If for whatever reason I feel distant from her, it's easier to go about my everyday life. It's such a push/pull. I want RL to be like therapy, but therapy, when I feel connected, is so much better that it's like being teased! Like a number of you said, then I want to reach out to T more because I feel so good. The best path is a middle ground, which is difficult.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

struggling, I'm the same way too. When I feel close to my T, and super connected, it makes me feel frustrated with the rest of my life. It makes me wish I could see T every day! If for whatever reason I feel distant from her, it's easier to go about my everyday life. It's such a push/pull. I want RL to be like therapy, but therapy, when I feel connected, is so much better that it's like being teased! Like a number of you said, then I want to reach out to T more because I feel so good. The best path is a middle ground, which is difficult.

it is a tease! i know T herself isnt teasing me, but the feelings feel like a tease because its there and its good and then its for the most part unavailable in the rest of your life. and i know the goal is to take what you learn/have in T and try to replicate in RL but it took me like a freaking year to get close to T and our entire relationship is about me!!!!

Have any of you discussed this with your T, like how to fix or handle better?

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

struggling, I'm the same way too. When I feel close to my T, and super connected, it makes me feel frustrated with the rest of my life. It makes me wish I could see T every day! If for whatever reason I feel distant from her, it's easier to go about my everyday life. It's such a push/pull. I want RL to be like therapy, but therapy, when I feel connected, is so much better that it's like being teased! Like a number of you said, then I want to reach out to T more because I feel so good. The best path is a middle ground, which is difficult.

I feel the same way. It's like "here bamapsych, you can have this... but only for 50 minutes a week." It's like putting candy in front of a kid and telling them they can only have a small amount.

I felt this teasing the most when my T invited me to her church. I went 2 times. I know without a doubt that she meant well. But she can have relationships with every single person there except for me. If I went there regularly, I'd have to see her hugging everybody, being friendly, having normal conversations, self-disclosing to others, etc. I'd have to be on the outside looking in since we can't have a normal relationship since we are T and client. Makes anger, sadness, and jealousy rise up in me. It's not fair.

[QuietCat]

Yes. Same for me. The feeling of a carrot being dangled in front of me and not being able to capture it for my own is a huge issue I dealt with even before T came along. I was horribly in love with a person I worked with daily but knew I could never be with.

So with T I really struggle to keep a distance and not get too attached. Not to mention all the childhood issues that plague me.

This week I had a good session with T and felt we were both happy wIth one another. So I've been trying to come up with topics for next session that will perhaps be more difficult for hm to get through to me on just so I can get irritated with him again.

I wish I could say the same, but for me, especially lately, the 'distance' I've felt in sessions has been intolerable, and just has me desperately hitting 'send' on texts and emails - either profusely apologising and/or wanting explanations - trying to reconnect and wanting to feel the connection 'properly', wanting those warm fuzzies. Ugh. I have a problem (especially as I won't see my T now until the new year - if ever again at all. It's all gone Pete Tong, as they say).

[Miswimmy1]

when we cut ourselves off, its easier because we feel safer, less vulnerable. we sort of numb ourselves to the pain of being close to someone and the unpredictability of it. I can totally relate.

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

when we cut ourselves off, its easier because we feel safer, less vulnerable. we sort of numb ourselves to the pain of being close to someone and the unpredictability of it..

Yes, totally. I agree that it's easier - safer - 'in the moment' to be cut off and numb, less vulnerable - it's easier to speak, for a start... but I find for me it's ultimately distressing. I crave the closeness with T, the maternal warmth. If I'm 'comfortably numb' in session, usually I drive home feeling empty and alone, and by the time I'm curled up in bed for the evening I'm a mess, wanting a do-over.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Yes, totally. I agree that it's easier - safer - 'in the moment' to be cut off and numb, less vulnerable - it's easier to speak, for a start... but I find for me it's ultimately distressing. I crave the closeness with T, the maternal warmth. If I'm 'comfortably numb' in session, usually I drive home feeling empty and alone, and by the time I'm curled up in bed for the evening I'm a mess, wanting a do-over.

this is interesting how opposite we are on this.....i as well crave the closeness and maternal warmth with T and i feel all warm and cozy in session and for probably an hour or two after it still feels good but then i start to have the empty and alone feeling and by the time i go to bed im all "omg i hate therapy and i hate my life and wtf was wrong with my mom and now im all aware of how screwed up things were and T is like 6 days away and only for 50min"....but if none of that occurs during session im all "i can totally live without her"....my life my otherwise still be in shambles and i will be avoiding all problems but i wont feel empty and motherless.

i say neither are a win-win...we need a middle ground!!!

If I have a connected session, I can feel warm and cozy for an average of 36-48 hours, and then crash. Those crashes came with panic attacks for a while, like proper full-on panic attacks... took me a while to suss it was therapy doing it, and that it was down to the attachment thing (my current theory anyway, like a kind of separation anxiety.)

We DO need a middle ground!

a lonely way to live.

[struggling2]

ya, im starting to realize that

[feralkittymom]

I certainly experienced close and distant sessions, had relatively calm times and frantic times, and times of dissociation and groundedness. But it never seemed to influence how connected I felt to my T and therapy outside of sessions. I guess I'm saying I never felt a disturbance in our alliance at the deepest levels, even when there were frustrations happening at more surface levels.

I wonder if it might have something to do with the way in which Ts show their support. I think Ts who demonstrate a lot of warm fuzzies may touch vulnerabilities more strongly. My T tended to be extremely calm, stable and consistent which seemed to help me develop the ability to experience feelings in a more contained and neutralized way. Maybe that carried over between sessions.