Welcome to Couch 27

no I wasn't upset because I felt like he is disloyal... he won't ever say things that bother him to my face... he will get angry at me but be perfectly fine around me and then blow up around the kids after I've left for day or whatever...

I feel like he lies to me... he tells me how much he loves me...blah..blah..blah.. but I don't trust it because he never says when he's upset or angry or unhappy or anything...

Thats part of why he goes to therapy...

I want to be able to trust him that what he says is what he means but this is a prime example of how he is not there yet... because he is not sharing how he feels with me...

I know this sounds strange to say... but if he can't tell me when he's pissed as hell at me then why should I believe him when he says he loves me. He's a Christian so I know as far as he's concerned divorce is not an option so I think he's just saying all the "right" things to my face.

Thanks Ike and CE... true men stepping up into what could have been dangerous territory...

I think he has right to say what he wants in therapy. I've asked in the past for him not to share stuff they talk about...only for him to share stuff he's learned, etc if he wants to...

But I can't trust what he says about other things if he can't be honest with me about when he is upset or not happy, etc.

I feel better...sorry if I cleared off the couch...

RTS- You didn't clear the couch. It's meant to be a place to vent
I am sorry you're in a rough patch.

RTS...IMHO, that is disloyal. It is not an act of love. I try my damnedest not to b***h about my H, even tho I am guilty sometimes.

My H's BFF complains about his wife. One day he was complaining about her to me and I said, "So when you and H get together, y'all just complain about us, huh?" He said, "Well I complain about W, but H has never said a bad word about you. Ever."

Which is why I wonder about my T because she has complained about her H at length to me a couple of times. I don't respect that.

I think it was easier when I was living all shut down... nothing bothered me then...

i'm so tired ... want to sleep ... but don't want to end my day yet.

Have any of you seen the Henri cat videos? I love the second one:


My cat (who is leash trained to take walks) is acting like Henri tonight. He is all sulky and sullen because I won't take him out in the snow and wet.

Thanks Chopin... I don't see it as disloyal to complain...everyone needs an outlet for their frustration at times...

But the difference between what I do and what H does is that I complain about things that I have said to him. If someone I complained to went to my H and said can you believe your W said...blah blah blah... he wouldn't be surprised cause I would have already shared with him that it upsets me.

Personally I like your attitude here. I have to say, it took me a good 6 years to break my T of his being defensive with me, and I don't even count, right? Plus he was really only nondefensive once, last week, so who knows if it's even gonna stick.

I can't speak for all men, I'm not even that good at speaking for myself: I tend to shut down when confrontation is the the next step. Avoidance is much easier for me. But I am curious, why are there so few males on the couch? I naturally gravitated here, it is the most interesting part of the forum for me. I am not even in psychotherapy. My therapist doesn''t think I need one, and my PDOC(who I am in love with) does not currently accept my insurance, so I am in limbo, but seem to find more common ground and support here that anywhere else in my life. I can't talk to my friends about my problems, we're more of a suck it up and drink heavily crowd. I'm not sure there is a point to this post, just wanted to get it off my chest.

I made it through Christmas caroling.. I am in a bad mood now though.. Maybe some hot chocolate and a hot shower will make me feel better.

Hilarious! And in black and white. I have to show this to t he'll love it.

RTS ... IMHO, he is deliberately trying to hurt you by telling you what others say about you in his group. If this is how HE feels then you two need to address that, but if others who dont know you are saying bad things about you it has everything to do with the way he portrays you to them. My point being , is this his way of telling you how he feels... Kinda passive agressive as there is nothing positive to gain from him sharing that information with you.. What is his reason other then to be hurtful?

RTS-he might have not been the one to say those things but he didn't defend you. Who lets someone call their wife names? Sounds like a lot of work needs to be done.

Teenagers..... my son who has done nothing all weekend that was productive EXCEPT water the xmas tree a couple times says to me this evening as I am carrying laundry I just washed and folded to my bedroom "Gosh am I the only one who cares about the xmas tree?" I admit I was a little snarky in my reply well gee son, I've been a little busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and serving you and your father drinks at your every whims, sorry I haven't had a chance to water the tree yet.

Bah. Y'know I don't MIND bringing them drinks when I'm going from room to room anyway what the he!!, it's just, don't you DARE sit on your butt and accuse me of not caring about the xmas tree when it's the ONE dam thing you've gotten off your butt to do all weekend.

Whatever. They both better get used to the new assertive me or they're gonna be fending for their ownselves and I'm gonna take off for three or four days and treat myself to some mystical stuff in Sedona and they won't be invited!!!

Rant over.

p.s. And I'm going to plan a solo trip to Sedona anyway. I deserve it!!!!

Way to go taking a stand Artemis!

Sounds like everyone is having all the holiday fun they can have. It lasts too damn long in my opinion. And now my xm radio had holiday music even on some of the classical channels. The one upside of having this flu/sinus infection crud is that I am not driving around in the car trying to get away from xmas music.

RTS, I agree with Lola. There's no point in sharing that information with you unless it's to hurt you or try to tell you that HE thinks the same thing and wants you change.

I am so sick of Christmas already. Tired of the stress and . . . Tried to get some shopping done today. We don't have our tree up yet and everyone is just saying that they wish it was up, but won't do anything to help me clean up the living and get the spot ready to put it up even. Ready to just say **** it for this year, but then feel guilty about having that attitude.

Wow - aren't you jumping to conclusions? I would say he doesn't know how to share his feelings with RtS and still feel safe and accepted. It took me a long time to feel safe with T because of my family of origin. It may be hurtful but that might not be his intent. His intent may be giving her information. It's a hit and run way of doing it and it may hury but that is clumsiness and shame, not necessarily intent. Well that's how I excuse my own stupidity anyway.

My daughter(step) has a boy over to watch videos for the first time tonight. Why do I have the sudden urge to clean my shotgun in the living room?

Yes he does have passive agressive tendencies and then he wonders why I don't trust his words.

The father of one of my best friend's used to do that whenever she had a date.
That was around thirty years ago.

For him to defend me would have required conflict and he just can't do it...he couldn't even tell the car sales man to get his hands off of my hand when we were buying a car last spring and I was all triggered and dissociated and couldn't defend myself...