Article about Relationships after CSA

I think maybe it's a myth that being sexually abused means that you have to have some kind of sexual dysfunction. Or that if you don't have any sexual dysfunction, then you weren't impacted by the sexual abuse. Although I think it is common for survivors to be affected sexually, in my experience the effects are most easily seen to me in the context of communications with me and my H, especially how conflict is resolved, in other dynamics between us, and in the dysfunctional ways I feel about these things. So I guess I would say that I would find it relevant to disclose if I were in MC, as I would find it relevant to disclose other negative aspects of my family growing up.

But I still think that whether you disclose or how you disclose or how much you disclose is really up to you, even if you think it's relevant. It is one thing to talk about your stuff with your own T, and another to discuss it with your H and another counselor.

There's nothing wrong with what you're saying. The fact that he was a social worker, however, I don't think has much to do with it. No one who's a T should even try to be a T to their partner-- assuming they were even capable, it's like operating on your sister or writing your Mom's will. At home, T's must play the role of loving partner, not T.

I do notice, though, that you can be really defensive about anyone criticizing a guy-- even a guy that isn't attached to someone on this board. It feels unsupportive to me (although not in a bad or hurtful way) as I'm feeling sensitive about putting my H through being a partner to a survivor. Maybe I shouldn't want people to just say this guy's a total @sshat, but in fact I do, and being defensive in his honor just doesn't help support me. Again, I don't feel hurt or upset about anything you said and you have the most right to say it, I'm just saying how it affects me, okay?

I did a very poor job of explaining myself earlier, sorry about that.

I have only experienced this in the context of T, and more specifically, with THIS T, not my prior two. For some reason, his expressions, which I consider very genuine, of compassion do make me feel like I want to punch him in the face. It's not really an impulse, because I don't really want to do it. It's just a fleeting thing.

But I don't WANT to have this kind of hostile emotional reaction to him. So I really want to change this, so I wouldn't say that I am looking for other people in my life to be uncompassionate.

I do not do a lot of disclosing about my history, though. I do end up telling my close friends, about a handful of people. I've told my doctors and other medical professionals, especially within the past year. I can remember the last 3 disclosures to friends, and they were all compassionate responses, and I didn't punch anybody I also remember being able to accept their compassion, whereas it ain't happening with my T. '

Probably because he's one of the enemy.

My H is one of the men who can understand, and he knew from the beginning, before we even started dating. I had no intent to date him when we first met. Apparently he had other ideas

There is one thing that I can never fault my H for, and that is for being unsupportive, uncompassionate, or even flinching for a moment when I have disclosed or talked about my history with him. He has always been very clear that there is a big difference between something happening to you and something being about you. He has said some annoying things, like you are even more impressive because of this, but I can't fault him for that, either. He has never blamed me or ever pointed out my history in a mean way. He has been sensitive when I have been triggered during s e x and has made it clear by his actions that he would never want to hurt me.

And, really, I don't think he's such a super special guy in this way. I think he's being pretty human. The majority of the friends that I have told over the years have reacted with support, and not done that thing that stopdog described well in her earlier post. So I tend to think that being accepting and understanding to a disclosure of abuse is the norm, and I think that you can find it.

I'd like to be a place where I can get involved in this thread, but I haven't been able to focus on it because of my own life issues at the moment. (Or maybe resistance is coming into play.)

When it comes to sex, I suffer tremendously....My exH didn't know about the abuse, but he knew that I had a lot of limits and boundaries when it came to being touched. I was giving in most ways - but there were just certain things that he simply was not permitted to do or I would freak/dissociate/whatnot. I have a lot of shame about my body, so in the 14 years we were married, he never saw me naked. I'd imagine that's a whole other issue in itself.

About disclosing my history of CSA to others, I have shared this with a small number of people...and unfortunately, my poor choice in people to confide in helped it become a pretty awful experience - with them later throwing my history in my face (and others) in order to deflect taking ownership for their own stuff. Awful. A couple of people I KNOW treat me differently as a result of knowing about my past. And only ONE person that I've shared with (besides T) treats me the same and cares for me regardless of my history.

I think, for me, I am my own worst enemy. I just haven't gained that confidence and strength yet to be able to share with people and not be concerned about being viewed/perceived/treated differently.

I have been thinking about what to say to you in response to this, because it was really courageous of you to share this.

I have not faced this. I think if I thought my H was aroused by the idea of me having been abused, there is no way that I could deal with it. I would see it as being sick and perverted, maybe equivalent to being an actual pedophile. I guess I'm aware that arousal may not always be a choice, just like a lack of arousal may not be, and it doesn't have to *mean* anything.

But there are times when it is difficult enough for me to be okay with my H's arousal towards me as a whole person, and he has just an average amount of sexual interest in his wife, and is normal in that way-- that if I felt his arousal was about me being abused, that would literally make me nauseous. How could someone who loves you respond with arousal to the idea of you being hurt and ashamed? It doesn't make sense to me.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this belief of his arousal could be something that comes entirely from you (I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings here). I know that I have had certain beliefs or feelings about other people that have been completely wrong. So if I felt this, I would want to verify my belief by asking him whether this is in fact true. Because part of the legacy of sexual abuse is mixed up understandings and feelings about arousal and everything else related to sex. The wires get crossed in the experience of abuse and can be difficult to untangle as adults having loving, consensual sex.

Nope, all mine have just headed for the hills as it were.

However, this response, if I had gotten a whiff of it, would have sent me packing immediately.

BUT, i also know that sexuality in general is a very very complicated thing, even for men.

There could have been any number of reason for his response, ranging from the very benign to the outright horrifying.

I know that personally, I would not have hung around to find out which, and it is likely that he wouldn't know either anyway.

People are just so very very strange.

I like my cave sometimes. A Lot.

Maybe you should count those of us on this board in this group?

The fact that one person has had this response to you-- which you so richly deserve-- demonstrates that it is not about you. You are the same person regardless of your history. And for those people who have used your disclosure to hurt you, feh on them and may karma take care of it within the universe.

I've made some bad choices in disclosures over the years. One was more recent, she asked me if I had been abused and I answered honestly. Next time, I think I will take it as a clue that if someone actually wants to know, then I will not tell them. A couple have done that over reaction thing and went nuts with the how horrible routine until I asked them to stop. One person said (and she had actually been a clinical psychologist for about five minutes at that time) that there is no way I'd been abused, because all "those people" were institutionalized.

But there is that cliche that people say, maybe Dr. Seuss says it best, that you should speak your mind because those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter. You are never required to disclose, though, and I've learned to wait years into a new relationship to do so.

I don't fully know how to better describe my take on this. What others intend as a compassionate response does not feel compassionate to me. It is not that I don't want emotional support as an idea, it is that the way it is usually expressed is not experienced by me to be supportive or useful or caring or anything other than horrible. Because I do realize I cannot control how others respond (which would be for any response not to be expressed externally at all), it is much better for me to forego talking about such things because of how awful for me any response that is not understated to the point of nonexistence is, otherwise it is too much and threatens to engulf, overwhelm or obliterate me OR it seems like the response has nothing to do with me at all (which well may be the case, I just don't want to be expected to take care of someone else because of what happened to me.) This still does not fully and accurately reflect what I am trying to convey.
One thing is that what one person perceives as compassionate is not necessarily what will be that way for me. I have had to learn to do what I consider overreacting and engulfing to friends and lovers because although I was thinking I was being compassionate, they experienced as cold, distant and unconcerned. It feels wrong to me, but they seem to like it and it does not hurt me any - it just is so odd. I do it because I do want them to know I care or whatever.

Thanks for the article and the thread Anne.2
My ex parnter and I were both abused when we were younger and this resulted in a very turbulant relationship, I wanted to be touched by her and for her to love me but she couldn't do it, she said everything reminded her of the past. In future I would be weary of dating another who was abused, I guess everyone behaves differently but I could never figure her out, she wanted sex all the time at first and then it went to nothing then she started having affairs and was at it with everyone. I used to blame her abuse but I was abused and many of us were and don't behave like that.

And if I knew my parnter was being turned on by this I would first punch him then run for the hills.

My exH didn't know about the abuse, but he used to get turned on by being abusive to me (non-consenting). I was disgusted by it, and my disgust didn't phase him at all. ACK. Triggered.

MUE, I am just really sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing. I know others have had this experience, and it is heartbreaking. I am glad he is your ex.

Thanks, Anne. I try not to think about the ugly stuff too much, because it doesn't jive with what I feel towards him. It's just a reminder of how much work I still have to do in therapy.

I am curious about some of the differences perceived in how a male partner receives this information versus a female partner. I have found with the women I have been with (perhaps an excessive number of msws in my life and fewer gym teachers) has been a super over the top heightened absurd sensitivity. Tied in with feminism and taking back the night and so forth. If anything, it was like they can be too happy to hear about it. Like it gives me a romantic or tragic air or something.
For what it is worth, I don't condone men or women breaking up by email or text.
And when csa has come up for me, or when I have felt the need to give an explanation that includes csa as part of why I react or don't do something, it has been in the context of sexual activity. Which I find somewhat odd and like maybe I am using it as an excuse rather than explanation because mine involved an older male not female.

I haven't experienced this personally, but it would sure bother me if I did. I guess I would feel that I am not my past, whether you want to put a negative or a positive spin on it. I'm the same person, whether you know this about me or not.

The gender differences perspective is interesting to think about. I've told a total of 4 partners, 2 male and 2 female, about my history. Only one of my women partners had a negative reaction, and hers wasn't that negative. She thought I should be "over it" or at least not talk about it at all. But she was boring, and I broke up with her for other reasons (but not by email).

I too have only told 4 people but all were women. One other had abuse as a small child (violence both sexually and physically- where mine was mostly not) in her background. No one had a negative response to it, but all did get more upset than I am about it and I did not give much description or detail at all.