My H says I don't need 90 minutes

The new insurance laws are causing me more problems, this time between my H and me. He wants me to pay $20/week because the insurance is paying my T more than she used to get. I said that's not fair to her, and he said I should have 60 minute sessions, not 90 minutes. Since I'm not doing EMDR, I don't need all of that time, he says.

He has always been angry about my being in T, and now that he sees the $275 on the benefits letter instead of $150, he's furious! He doesn't think therapy has helped me, does not like meds, and doesn't see that DBT is helping either. In a way, I can't blame him. He's the one who had a good job, and a lot of that money has been spent on my therapy.

So, my T did say to pay what we're comfortable with, but I don't know if I should tell her that I'll see her for an hour from now on. I'm going to hate that, because I use every minute of that 90 minutes! Or, should I let her make that decision? Maybe seeing her for less time is another step toward separation from her. I know my H would like me to quit everything and never see a pdoc, T, or be in group therapy, ever. I don't think that would make him any happier, though. I'd be resentful of him, too. Any ideas for me? No, my H won't go to T though he came with me a few times. He's a good guy to put up with me for so many years. It's mutual. We each have our issues.

Maybe you could tell your T that the amount you are comfortable with is $20, even if that means 60 mins instead of 90, even though you like the 90. Then see what she says.

How much do you normally pay? is there something else you can give up?

IDK, if I were you I'd tell my T upfront what you need. You want 90 mins and could afford 20 USD for it and see how it turns out. However, I do find strange that your H dictates (for the lack of better word) you what to do... But if you two are OK with that, who am I to say otherwise.

Rain maybe you need to tell your H you need this and explain he is paying incredibly little for what you are receiving I'm sorry he is so unsupportive with this

Maybe you can help him understand by pointing out that she is not being reimbursed for the $275. That is just her full fee but you already told us in another post that the allowable rate from your insurance company is only $186.20, which breaks down to a copay of $37.24 and an amount paid by insurance of $148.96. So she is not getting $275 at all. And if you are only paying $20 for a copay, then she is giving you a good deal since she isn't asking you to pay the full copay of $37.24, plus that lowers her total recoup to about $170 if you don't pay the full copay. Why is your husband so annoyed by the $275 full fee? She could charge $3,000 but it wouldn't matter. Insurance will only allow her to be reimbursed a maximum of $186.20 no matter what she charges. I say your husband shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Your T is giving you a nice discount with that $20 copay.

Beyond just explaining the insurance to him in a slow voice with one syllable words, I would suggest that you consider a part time job. I know you used to work not too long ago. If you worked a few hours a week, then maybe his resentment would be assuaged and you could use those extra bucks to pay your copay and beyond.

I have done both 90 minute sessions and 50 minute. I do mostly 50 minute now. I trained myself to be more efficient and T has also helped us "get into things" more quickly. I still sometimes spring for a 90 but mostly I do 50. It can be done. So if money is tight and you don't want to work at all, then maybe you could alternate 90 and 60 minute sessions to help bring your therapy fees within your budget. Or go to every other week with individual therapy for now while you are also doing the group. You know--just little compromises here and there might save a few dollars.

If you have stayed at home while he worked, or worked part time, while caring for children and taking care of the house and his meals and his laundry, then you have earned that money just as he did. There is no way he could have done his job without you to take care of everything else at home. Even now, my guess is that you do the laundry and clean the house and cook the meals.

You have earned the right to spend your family money and you shouldn't let him undervalue your contribution to your marriage and family. Even now. Why don't you suggest that he pay for a housekeeper and someone to do the laundry and cook for him? What you are asking for in return is funds necessary to improve your health. You may not be able to get him to agree that it's necessary or even desirable for you to spend this money, but it's what you require to maintain the services you provide.

Sorry, this is all probably too feminist for you, but I'm just not a big believer in the husband earns the money so he gets to decide how to spend it. You have earned the money too, and especially now that he is retired, your job probably hasn't changed at all.

The money issue aside (and I totally agree with H earning the money not equaling him getting to dictate how it's spent), do you think there would be some value in trying a 60 minute session? You have written about your sessions before and how you feel the need to tell your T about everything that happened in your week before you get down to the issues. Why not try just having a few minutes of pleasantries, and then getting right to work? Your T really does not have to know about the details of your week in order to help you with your issues.

On occasion, something will come up about my every day life that my T doesn't know. He asked why I hadn't told him something -- oh, it was my son's perfect score on the English portion of the SAT, and on the subject tests he took. I was a little puzzled about WHY I would tell him that. It has nothing to do with my therapy issues, and it's not as if I scored a perfect score on some test. Telling T would have been kind of a waste of time, and would have been almost like taking credit for an achievement that wasn't mine.

Does this make sense? Spending all that time telling her about the details of your week, appears from the outside, to be more about trying to socialize with her than it is about the work you are trying to do in therapy.

That's what I'll probably do.

It's been about $26. It's not about giving up something else. My H is angry about all of my years of therapy and thinks it's a waste.

My H has let me be in T for about 18 years now, and he was always against it. So I'd say that I've dictated what to do though he objected. I used to pay my former T about $100/session for years because she didn't take insurance. Yes, I'm going to see what she says. She'll probably just take my check and say okay.

The problem is he doesn't think I'm receiving much, thinks my T is paid too much, and that I can do okay with 60 minutes. I feel guilty because my issue of not wanting to quit T and the attachment problem hasn't been resolved. All I know is that I can't be satisfied by a T so my H may be right. I need to taper down and do without T. On the other side, I've made progress with shame issues and other things. I don't know what is best for me.

I will go to 60 minutes if I have to, though 90 mins. has always seemed "just right" for me. Yes, every other week is a possibility. I'm almost done with 6 months of DBT. I'd like to do it again, but I'm sure H will object to that too.

He and I both agree that it's "our money" but he hasn't seen results from my years of T. He thinks, and part of me can't argue with him, that I keep going just because I like/love my T. He doesn't get it that it's my issue to deal with attachment problems and accepting limitations and what people can give me or not give me, in T and in RL.

I DO see you point and it makes sense because I know I ramble on about a lot of things. If I see her for an hour, I can cut some of that out, and still share the important things. I can ask for her help to do that if I need to. Thank you.

Raibow, i doubt your h know about the whole t process. Who is he to think therapy is not heping you at all!! I feel your husband has no right to b angry at you for going to therapy. It is your choice,and also you are the only one to know if therapy is working for you! Hun keep the 90mins it sounds like you really need the time and who cares what your h thinks he seems to never be happy with what you do. If therapy is something you need for the rest of your life, that i very ok, theres nothing wrong with going. Also i see you growing so much in therapy and i hope you do go for a second around of dbt group. Do not let your husband stop you from going to therapy. Maybe he comes from the old school of thought "Pick up your socks,and suck it up" So sorry to hear your husband is unsupportive, must be very painful for you! If my husband said that to me i would be in a deep depression! (((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Rainbow - I really want to reply to your post, but everything I've typed so far comes across as being very critical of your H. I'm bothered by the fact that he's trying to make decisions for you about your own mental health. It bothers me that you say your H "let you be in T" as if you need his permission to do something that is beneficial to your health.

I guess, I'm of the opinion that if going to T is something you feel like you need to do, then you shouldn't let anyone stop you or discourage you. If it's a money issue, then talk to T about ways to work around that.

I hope you can resolve this to your satisfaction, and that you can keep going to T and getting the help you need.

Rainbow8: He and I both agree that it's "our money" but he hasn't seen results from my years of T. He thinks, and part of me can't argue with him, that I keep going just because I like/love my T. He doesn't get it that it's my issue to deal with attachment problems and accepting limitations and what people can give me or not give me, in T and in RL.


Well I sort of get your husband. He is paying for not getting attention. I can understand the frustration. = " I am paying, so my wife can obsess and move her focus to someone else". It´s not about him, it´s completely about you and your T ...and you... you and you? He is not being mean... he is just having a human reaction. Who wouldn´t?.....He tells you he hates you being in therapy...do you listen to him?? You agree with him that it doesn´t help.Ever thought of given back?? Not practically but emotionally in your relationship? After 30 years of marriage and you being in T for 18 years, I suspect it´s not about the money. He may just be plain old tired.

I don't think it's the right of a spouse to decide whether therapy is working or not. That is your judgment to make, and yours alone.

Thanks, Taylor. It's hard for me to judge whether I'm growing in T or not, so I appreciate that feedback. Yes, it hurts that my H is unsupportive but at the same time I understand because the bottom line is that he is jealous. He never understood that my need for my T comes from "baby stuff", from the past. I do think T is helping me but it's like the zoloft. The side effects (transference/attachment) get in the way so I don't know which is better: be on the med and therapy, or be off!

Thank you. It's not that I needed my H's permission, but it costs a lot of money for all of those years, and he hasn't seen results. I have, but it's subtle and he doesn't understand or want to understand. I needed to work on shame issues, and I feel better now. He just sees that I am still attached to my T, just like I was to 4 other Ts in the past.

I said PART of me can't argue with him. He came to T a few times and she suggested ways to improve our marriage. That helped a little. We hug now. It's not either or, but my H thinks it is. Therapy has helped me with issues that have nothing to do with my H. I'm slowly accepting that it's about ME, not my T. I slipped up a little because I was away, but we are working on issues just about me, and they are productive. But the trigger is there, especially when my H embarrasses me about it. I don't think he's the "bad guy", but he's still being mean to me.

I'm taking the zoloft so I can stop obsessing about my T but I don't know if I can get up to the correct dose because of the side effects. The pdoc KNOWS this is one of the reasons--obsessing about T and other things in my life. It's kind of a mixed up situation, I agree. You're correct, my H is correct, and I'm ALSO correct. It's not black or white. Not being able to quit T is an issue in itself, being able to connect/attach and be able to detach, to accept reality. So my H is being human, but he's not being helpful to me about T in any way.

But why should the husband pay for it then, if he feels it´s not right?? Therapy is about making relationships work, not sabotage them.

If I were you, I'd tell him that I certainly DO need therapy. I need therapy to determine why I have spent so many years married to an unsupportive person - one who uses his jealousy as an excuse to behave poorly.

So do you have to "approve" everything he does? Doesn't he see how crazy this can become? What if you stop approving of the kind of underwear he prefers? Make him switch from boxers to briefs, or vice versa? You have some say, you have to wash them. Married life is like spaghetti, you can't pick out strands like this! I think I'm having a better reaction this time to a husband's pout - I'm not taking myself off to a nunnery!

I can't tell if your issue is that it is *his* money so he is the one who "pays", instead of them, or if your issue is that one person in a partnership gets to veto an expense that the other person needs for his or her mental health. It isn't that she's spending the money on manicures or clothes, it's a health expense.

I've already explained that I believe that RB has as much right to spend money as her H does. Further, I suppose I believe that one part of a couple is "allowed" to spend money to improve his or her health without the approval of the other person. Otherwise a spouse would just line item veto any expense they don't personally believe in. But my beliefs aren't really the issue-- couples can arrange their finances in whatever way they see fit. I personally would not live in a relationship where my H felt he had the right to veto anything I wanted to spend money on, health wise or not. I'm just not big on control in marriage, I'm not interested in controlling him and he's fortunately not interested in controlling me. We give each other a wide berth for expenses. We are not rich, but we earn enough money to afford the things we want in life for the most part.

Or I need therapy to continue tolerating this marriage, and overcoming my desire to stab you with a sharp object between the eyes. Given that I have not killed you yet in your sleep, consider the therapy productive.

I'm really not trying to mock you, RB. I'm mocking the idea that someone else can know whether YOUR therapy is working or not.

Submit your hourly bill for maintaining the house.... or pick a weekly salary then open your own account..... of course you will need back pay

This is genius!

I recommend you get quiet, think, do whatever it is you have to do to know what you want and fight for it.

Thanks for all the responses. Yeah, I haven't killed him yet. LOL I think. I've felt like it, though!

Question about the length of the session and the money. IF she sees me for 60 minutes, then isn't it ethically wrong for her to write down the $275 as if it's 90 minutes? I'm putting her on the spot, because I think she'll get more insurance money if she sees me for 90 minutes and lets me pay $20 a session. So I assume she'll take what I give her. Or, I could her the $6.00 extra in cash without telling my H. I don't want to be dishonest, though. I really don't think the extra 5 or 6 dollars will matter to her since she already said I could pay what I was paying or whatever is comfortable for me.

I don't quite get why you're paying her less this year than last year? Because your husband thinks she's getting too much money from the Ins. Company? Because that's really none of his business and shouln't dictate what your co-pay amount is. Just because the insurance codes changed, it doesn't mean she is getting something "special". It means she is being better compensated for your extended sessions.

Also, from a business perspective, you're basically taking up 2 session times - she could see two people for 45 minutes in that amount of time and make more money. That's why the 90 minute session isn't the cost of one and half 60 minute sessions.

Thanks, pbutton. I agree except for one thing. My T sees everyone for 60 minutes minimum. At least that was the option when I started. She told me last week that some Ts are cutting down the time of sessions, but she's not.

But why did my copay go up then, by $11.00?

I had to pay my deductible and we can easily see all the amounts on our declaration of benefits statement, so I wondered why the copay went up and why it now says $275 instead of $150. That seemed wrong to me so I had my H look at it. That's why he wants me to see her only for an hour and pay what we used to.

I would pay her what I was before but my H will get angry, so I'll see what she says at my session.